Cutter
I call to check on Theo on Monday—refusing her offer to make herself available for fake couple time on Tuesday before she goes into work, insisting she needs more time to heal—but by Wednesday, I’m getting restless.
Theo and I made a good impression on Megan at our brief first meeting, but it was just that—brief—and the clock is ticking on my time in Hidden Kill Bay.
So I do what any reasonable human being would do in my situation.
I head over to Zack’s house to steal his dog.
“You want to borrow Thermos?” Zack frowns, swiping the sweat from his recent run from his forehead as he bounds up the steps to his front porch, where I’ve been lying in wait with a cup of coffee his gram fixed for me; the sweet old soul delighted, as always, for company to show up unannounced.
Back in high school, Zack’s house was the safest place to crash at a moment’s notice—as long as you weren’t too drunk. If Gram smelled liquor on your breath, you’d be in for a lecture on the dangers of alcohol poisoning while she force-fed you a plate of sticky pasta with no sauce and an extra-large glass of water. Still, being smothered with concern was preferable to the crushing judgment I’d get over at my house. Not to mention getting grounded from using the car, which only made it harder for Dad and me both to get to work since we shared a single vehicle for a good stretch during the leanest part of my teen years.
“Want to? No. I’d prefer to borrow a dog with a less stupid name,” I say, rising from the porch rocker. “But you’re the only dog owner I know who owes me a favor so…”
Zack grins and props his hands low on his hips. “A favor? Since when? I’m the one who bailed you out of jail in Kansas City after you peed on someone’s pet chickens.”
“There weren’t any bathrooms between downtown and the hotel. And what kind of hipster loser keeps pet chickens in the city and puts their coop right by the back alley? The owner was asking for those chickens to get pissed on.”
“Urban chickens are a thing, man. They have been for a while.”
“So is beard oil and savory ice cream.” I shudder. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to get on board with that hipster bullshit.”
Zack laughs. “You sound like Gramps. Only with more cussing.” He crosses his arms over his sweat-stained T-shirt. “So why do you want to borrow my dog? I didn’t think you liked animals. Or anything that’s soft and cuddly.”
I definitely liked waking up all cuddled together with Theo on her couch the other night, but I banish the thought as soon as I have it. Instead, I shrug. “Been feeling a little low and heard animals can help with that shit. Figured I should try it out with a loaner before I commit to getting a dog of my own, though.”
“That’s a good idea,” Zack says, frowning like he’s suspicious or worried or both.
But he knows better than to ask any more questions. Shep is the only member of the band I open up to—he’s so laid-back he puts everyone at ease, even feeling-haters like me—but the last time Zack pressed me to confess what was bothering me, I threw a beer bottle at his head. In my defense, we were much younger, I was already drunk, and I purposely missed his big red-haired noggin by a mile, but we both learned a lesson that night.
Zack learned to leave me alone when I’m in a mood, and I learned that if you shove people away hard enough, they’ll eventually stay gone.
Far, far away, in spirit if not in body…
With random people who piss me off, that’s not a big deal, but with friends…
I count myself lucky that Shep and Colin have shorter memories than Zack and have forgiven me for the sins of my younger, angrier self. That’s part of the reason Zack annoys me more than anyone else in the band, I guess. His cool reserve when it comes to yours truly is a constant reminder of how young Cutter fucked up relationships like it was going out of style.
“Okay, then let’s head inside.” Zack nods toward the house as he reaches for the screen door. “We’ll see if Thermos is in the mood to go for a play date at Uncle Cutter’s place for a few days. Is that what you were thinking? Like two or three days? If you want him for longer, I’m okay with it, but Thermos and Gram are pretty tight, so you’ll have to clear that with her.”
“Two days would be great,” I say, cursing myself for not coming up with a smarter lie. I just want to take Thermos to the dog park and accidentally-on-purpose run into Megan, not clean up dog shit for forty-eight hours.
But I can always come up with an excuse to bring Thermos back tonight if I need to. Though, maybe we’ll get on okay. He’s a solid furry dude, way cooler than Kirby’s psycho cats or the pet rabbit that Phillip, our new drummer, insists on dragging on the fucking tour bus.
What kind of badass rock star wannabe has a rabbit for pet? Though the rabbit can use a litter box and give out high fives on command, which makes it way cooler than Phillip, who has the charisma of a bowl of oatmeal.
I follow Zack through his grandparents’ immaculately maintained Victorian cottage, ducking my head as we pass through the doorway leading from the living room into the kitchen.
“Does your gramps still hit his head on that every time he goes through?”
“Every time,” Zack says with a sigh. “And Gram still refuses to change anything original to the home.”
“That’s right,” his gram says from her perch on the window seat, where she’s cozy with a book and Thermos nestled between her legs, chewing on the corner of a tattered old blanket. The pug is grayer around his black muzzle than I remember, but he’s still the cutest ugly thing you’ll ever meet, with a big friendly smile and fat rolls on his back that just beg to be scratched. “You have a good run, honey?” She beams at Zack with so much love it makes me a little uncomfortable.
No one in my family ever looks at each other that way. Even my Uncle Greg, who has his shit together and actually seems to love my cousins, shows his affection by thumping his sons in the back of the head and wrestle-hugging them until Brick or Ryan taps out.
The Comstocks don’t have a softer side, and if we do, we keep that shit locked down.
“Yeah, it was good. Finally warming up a little out there,” Zack says, grabbing a banana from the bowl of fruit on the counter. “Cutter was wondering if he could borrow Thermos for some cuddle time. He’s having his man period and feeling emotionally needy.”
The dig is something I would expect from Colin. It’s out of character for Zack, who is usually all sunshine and smiles, but I decide to roll with it and flash a “true story” grin Gram’s way.
She laughs as she reaches down to scratch Thermos between the rolls of skin on his neck. “What do you think, Thermy Worm? You want to go play with Cutter at his place? His dad’s got a nice big backyard where you can run and play fetch.” She glances up at me, her eyes crinkling as she smiles. “That’s the one thing I don’t like about my bite-sized house. The yard is too small to get in a good game of fetch.”
“I was actually thinking I would take him to the dog park. Let us both get some exercise.”
Zack cuts a narrow look my way, clearly wondering when my body was switched for a pug-loving-pod-person, but Gram just coos to Thermos. “Did you hear that, buddy? You want to go to the park with Cutter? Go play with your friends and chase the ball?”
Thermos makes the snuffle-cough sound that passes for his bark, and his curly tail begins to wag.
“Yeah, buddy, we’ll have fun. Let’s go to the park,” I say in my best babies-and-animals voice, which, owing to the fact that I rarely speak to babies or animals, is pretty lame.
But it’s enough to get Thermos excited.
He jumps off the window seat and runs over, dancing in a happy circle in front of me until I crouch to scratch his neck and hold out my free hand for a good licking. Dog spit is as gross as I remember, but I do notice a strange…lifting sensation in my chest as I rub his head and pat his sturdy ribs.
Maybe pets do help with depression.
Not that I’m depressed or even
sad, really. I just want things to be different than they are, and the fact that they aren’t different is a fucking bummer.
But I’m doing something about my disappointing reality, and that’s what separates me from my father, a man who hasn’t been happy for so long I can’t remember the last time I saw him smile.
Or maybe he just doesn’t smile when I’m around.
“Any tips on how to keep Thermos happy for a couple of days?” I ask, deciding maybe forty-eight hours with this snuggly drool factory might not be so bad.
“Well, he’s going to want to sleep with you,” Gram warns.
“That’s a common problem,” I quip, earning a laugh from Gram and an eye roll from Zach.
“I imagine, hot stuff,” she teases as she rises from the window seat, book in hand. “But this little man hasn’t gone to bed by himself since he was a puppy. Other than that, he’s a low-key dude. Zack can fill you in on the food and water routine. I’m going to head upstairs and check in with Bill, see if he’s up for dinner and a movie tonight since we won’t have a pup at home.” She pauses in the doorway and turns back. “Oh, and don’t forget Therm’s blankie. You should probably take that with you to the park, too, Cutter. If Thermos gets anxious around the bigger dogs, his blankie always calms him right down.”
“Got it. Thanks, Mrs. Golden,” I say, waiting until I hear her starting up the stairs before I turn to Zack and hiss, “Seriously? A blankie? Is he a dog or a toddler?”
“Dogs are a lot like toddlers,” Zack says around a bite of banana. “Except they never get potty trained. Thermos is good about scratching at the back door here when he needs to go out, but in a new place, you’ll have to watch him. Take him out last thing before bed and first thing in the morning and at least once in the middle of the day. Think you can fit that into your busy schedule?”
Hmm…
Another dig. Not a serious one, but still, it’s enough to make me ask, “Did I do something to offend, my friend?”
“Nope.” Zack takes another massive bite, the muscles in his jaw working overtime as he chews.
I stand, wiping my dog spit-covered hands on the back pockets of my jeans. “I don’t have to borrow the dog, man. If it’s not cool, just tell me.”
“It’s fine. Thermos seems to like you.” He shrugs, a tight jerk of one shoulder. “I guess I just don’t understand why a guy with an amazing girlfriend is feeling so down. Unless you’ve already screwed things up with Theo since this weekend.”
Ah…
I see.
This isn’t about the tension that occasionally crops up between Zack and me. This is about someone he’s always liked a hell of a lot more than yours truly.
“I’m not down, just lonely from three p.m. to midnight,” I say with an innocent smile. “Has it escaped your notice that Theo works all the damn time?”
“Her career is important to her. And since she got promoted, she’s been under a lot of stress. The owner’s been a real piece of work.”
“I know,” I say, trying not to take a tone with him. I don’t want to fight. I need his dog, and I’m not going to start a feud with Zack over a fake relationship that will be over before Labor Day. “That’s why Theo’s opening her own restaurant in my building. We’re signing the lease tomorrow.”
Zack’s eyes widen. “Seriously? She’s going for it?”
“She hasn’t announced it to her boss or anyone else just yet, so keep it between us, but yeah… She decided going out on her own is the best thing for her career and her sanity, and I agree. And the complex is the perfect location. The hipsters will be duking it out in the streets for reservations.”
“Yeah, I think so, too.” Zack tosses the banana peel into the compost bin next to the trashcan before he adds, “So are you giving her a break on rent?”
“I’m giving her a good deal for what she’s getting.”
His lip curls. “Seriously, man? You’re going to charge your girlfriend full price for a retail space when she makes like one one-hundredth what you do a year?”
“I never said I was charging her full price,” I protest, even as guilt moves in and banishes the puppy-petting lift.
“Whatever,” Zack says, spreading his fingers wide. “I told myself I wasn’t going to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Nothing. Theo knows who you are and what she’s getting into. If she’s fine with it, that’s all that matters.”
My jaw clenches. “Who I am? What’s that supposed to mean? That I like having fun when I’m single and on the road? Because there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“There is when you’re in a long-distance relationship at the same time.”
“Hey, Theo’s the one who wanted to keep our options open, man, not me.”
“Which should tell you something,” he mutters.
“Tell me what?” I ask, my tone sharpening. “That she thought she could do better than a guy like me but finally decided to slum it up, after all? Because if that’s what you’re saying, I’m very fucking aware of that, friend. Believe me. I know there was a time when Theo thought she was too good for me.”
“Because she is too good you,” Zack growls, surprising both of us, apparently, because a beat later he shakes his head, and adds, “I’m sorry. That’s not what I… I didn’t mean that.”
“Sure, you did,” I say, forcing a smile. “But that’s okay.”
“No, it isn’t. I just meant that Theo is a color-inside-the-lines kind of girl, and you’re the opposite of that, Cutter. You know that’s true. Theo’s sweet and honest and still innocent in a lot of ways. I’m just worried that—”
“I’m not going to hurt her,” I cut in, hating this “intervention” more with every passing moment.
The fact that one of my oldest friends thinks I’m a heartbreaking asshole hurts. I may sleep around, but I’ve never pretended to be someone I’m not. I’m honest with my friends with benefits, and I respect the hell out of them. I just don’t believe in the one-guy-one-girl shit the way Zack does.
At least, I haven’t since I screwed things up with Megan.
“Theo and I are honest with each other.” My voice is calm and controlled, but it’s a struggle. “Like you said, she knows me, and I’m not going to promise her anything I can’t deliver.” I hesitate but then can’t help adding, “And she’s not nearly as innocent as you think.”
Zack’s brown eyes go dark. “Don’t go there. Don’t disrespect her like that.”
“I’m not disrespecting her,” I say, exasperated. “I meant that she understands shit. She understands me. She might not have been through the things I’ve been through, but she gets it.” The words ring true because…they are. Theo does understand me, better than anyone has in a long time. And I’m starting to understand her, too. “And if you’re such a great friend, you should call her more often while we’re on the road. Email and social media don’t cut it for her. She needs to see a face or hear a voice. Otherwise, you’re just making her feel more alone.”
Silence falls in the kitchen, broken only by Thermos’s heavy nose-breathing as he trots between us with a toy in his mouth, waiting to see who’s going to play first.
“All right. Thanks for the heads-up,” Zack finally says. “I’ll keep that in mind. And, if I’m wrong, and you and Theo end up being good for each other, I’ll be the first to congratulate you both. All I want is for my friends to be happy.”
I want to push back, to press him to see if that’s really true, or if he’s waiting for me to fail so he can step in and take my place.
But I decide I don’t want to know.
If Zack has finally realized he’s in love with Theo, the only decent course would be to call off the fake girlfriend plan and free Theodora to hook up with one of the good guys.
But I’m the bad guy, and I’m not ready to give her up. I need her to win Megan back, and I enjoy Theo’s company. If she were off canoodling with Zack all the time, I’d never see her again. And even if I d
id, I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about Zack’s stupid red mop between her legs, summoning those wild coming sounds from her throat, tasting the sweet and salty heat that haunts my dirty dreams.
It wouldn’t be enough that I’d had her first. I’d still be pissed that Zack had her for keeps.
Better get over it, asshole. It’s only a matter of time before you’re replaced. If not by Zack, then by some other loser who won’t appreciate how fucking delicious Theo is.
It’s true. Few men have devoured as much pussy as I have. I’m a giver who has joyously sampled the lady fruit of this great nation. And I wouldn’t take back a single encounter—except maybe that time with Fresno, when her ex jumped out of the closet and asked if he could join the fun, giving us both fucking heart attacks in the process. But I am ready to slow down.
Hell, I’m ready to settle down with the right woman.
But Theo isn’t that woman, and she’s eventually going to end up with a man who doesn’t appreciate her uniquely sweet self as much as he should. As much as I would. But Zack wouldn’t be a bad second best. His ex-girlfriends seemed happy enough, I guess, though they were all so boring it was hard to pay attention to them for more than a few minutes at a time.
Theo would be a major departure from Zack’s usual beige-clad granola girl. She’s not the innocent little lamb he thinks she is, either. She’s so much more than that. She’s passionate and thoughtful and complicated.
Maybe by the time my fake relationship with her is through, Zack will have realized that and see her for who she really is.
Clinging to that thought—I’m not being selfish; I’m helping Theo’s potential forever-man see her in a clearer light—I nod toward Thermos.
“Don’t worry about the dog. I’ll figure out something else.”
“No, take him,” Zack insists. “He likes you, and Gram and Gramps haven’t been on a date in forever. I always offer to watch the dog while they go out, but Gram thinks it will hurt his feelings if he sees them both walk out the door at the same time.”
I nod stiffly. “Okay. Thanks. I appreciate it.”
Bang on Loosely Page 8