Darkest Hour Before Dawn

by Charlie Cochet

  "I miss him so much." Hudson blinked away his tears.

  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to bring you any pain."

  Hudson closed the album, then put it to one side before launching at Seb and knocking him onto his back, kissing him. Seb didn't hesitate. He wrapped Hudson in his embrace and returned his kiss. Hudson slowed his kissing, taking his time in exploring Seb's mouth, showing him how much this gift meant to him, how much he adored Seb for his thoughtfulness, for just being him. When they came up for breath, Seb searched Hudson's gaze.

  "Lobito--"

  A smoke alarm went off somewhere upstairs, and they both started. Seb looked to the stairs before turning his attention back to Hudson, his expression torn.

  "Go," Hudson said, his voice breathy. "I'm right behind you."

  Seb gave him a quick, heated kiss before gently moving Hudson off him. He jumped off the couch, then ran for the stairs and took them two at a time.

  With a shaky breath, Hudson straightened his clothes and raked his fingers through his hair. His glasses were somewhat fogged up, and he chuckled. Cleaning them on his shirt, he hurried upstairs. Smoke was coming from the kitchen, and Hudson ran in just as Seb placed a blackened roasting pan in the sink. It appeared to contain the charred remains of some kind of beef, possibly. He ran water on it before grabbing a dish towel and fanning the smoke alarm. Julia was on the verge of tears.

  "I'm so sorry, honey. Your dad needed me, and it took longer than I thought, and now dinner is ruined."

  Hudson gathered up Julia in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "There, there, darling. Nothing to fret over. It's still early. Seb and I will go to the market and pick something up. Then we can cook together. How does that sound?"

  Julia wiped a tear from her eye. "I was going to surprise you with your favorite roast since it's your birthday, but...."

  "Oh, Julia." Hudson squeezed her tight. "My being here with you means more to me than anything. Please don't fret."

  "Mom, it's okay," Seb assured her, then gave the top of her head a kiss. "Promise."

  She pressed her lips together, putting one hand to Seb's cheek and the other to Hudson's. "Such good boys."

  "We'll be back in no time," Seb promised.

  Hudson gave her cheek a kiss before following Seb to the front door, where Seb picked up his keys and wallet. He took Hudson's jacket from the coatrack and held it out to him with a wink.

  "Such a gentleman," Hudson cooed, slipping his arms into the sleeves before turning to kiss Seb's lips. The most wonderful sigh escaped Seb, and when Hudson made to move away, Seb took hold of his chin and kissed him again. Hudson chuckled against his lips. "Your mother is waiting for us, Sebastian."

  "Right," Seb said with a breathy laugh. He put on his jacket and opened the door for Hudson, followed him out, and locked the door behind them. They took Seb's red-and-black Dodge Ram Rebel. Hudson thanked Seb for opening the passenger-side door for him, and he took Seb's hand when he offered to help Hudson up. It was a beast of a machine, but then Seb had always driven large trucks, Destructive Delta's BearCat being one of them. Seb had loved the damn thing. The Hobbs brothers had a natural talent for maneuvering starship-sized vehicles, and they had a habit of driving said vehicles as if they were competing in the Daytona 500.

  Seb's favorite supermarket was on West 37th Street. It had the feel of an old-fashioned grocer but sold organic fresh foods along with gourmet options. It offered Therian-sized cuts of meat, with a deli that made Hudson's mouth water. Plants hung from the awning, and fresh flowers in an array of colors and bouquets were on offer to the right of the entrance, while fresh fruits were displayed to the left. Hudson couldn't help his smile. It had been so long since he'd been here, he forgot how much he enjoyed his trips with Seb.

  They received a cheerful greeting from several of the employees when they walked in. The store was as bustling and filled with customers as Hudson remembered. As they headed for the deli, Seb bumped him playfully.

  "Hey, you want me to grab some chips and that organic salsa you love? You're going to be hungry like an hour after dinner."

  Hudson arched an eyebrow at him. "Are you insinuating that I eat a lot?"

  "Not insinuating. Next to Dex and Cael, you have the biggest appetite I've ever seen in a guy your size. It's all those smarts you got up there," Seb said with a wink, tapping Hudson's head. "Burns a lot of calories."

  Hudson wrinkled his nose. "You're lucky you're pretty to look at, Sebastian."

  Seb gasped in mock horror. "Are you saying you only love me for my body?"

  "Well...." Hudson pretended to give it some thought, laughing when Seb poked Hudson's side right where he was ticklish.

  "Dr. Colbourn?"

  Hudson's heart stopped. He knew that voice. How could he forget it? It haunted his nightmares.

  "Mrs. Palmer?" Instinctively Hudson straightened, and he felt Seb stiffen beside him. "How are you?" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Her jaw muscles clenched, and her gaze dropped to Hudson's hand in Seb's before moving on to Seb. Tears welled in her big blue eyes. Anger soon followed.

  "As well as you can imagine. Kurt would have started high school this week."

  "I'm sorry," Hudson said, his voice rough. "I'm so sorry."

  "Your apology means as much now as it did then. It won't bring my son back, Dr. Colbourn."

  "Mrs. Palmer," Seb began gently, only to have her put a finger up.

  "Don't you dare. There is nothing left for you to say to me. Had you done your job, my son would still be alive." She shook her head, tears spilling over to roll down her cheeks, her bottom lip trembling. Hudson took a step forward only to have her recoil from him. "Stay away from me," she snapped. The anguish and loathing in her eyes made Hudson wince. What could he do? What could he possibly say to ease her pain? Her son's blood was on his hands, just as it had been the day he was killed.

  HUDSON COULD recall the incident in detail, from what he had for breakfast to everything that happened after. He remembered the conversation he had with Nina that morning in his office over tea and coffee before they were called out. Nina had driven since it was the van and not the mobile command center. She hated driving the massive vehicle. He recalled the scene clearly. Recalled crouching beside Nina, inspecting the body of a man gunned down in a residential neighborhood not far from Central Park. The area was sealed off before their arrival, no traffic coming in or out, while THIRDS agents maintained the perimeter, keeping watch.

  Hudson inspected the man's wounds with his gloved hands while Nina checked the man's pockets for identification. "Three gunshot wounds to the chest." He had carefully rolled the deceased onto his side when a familiar scent hit his nose. Hudson smiled.

  "Good morning, Sebastian."

  Seb crouched down beside him, his smile wide and his voice low. "Morning, sunshine. Tell me you're as sore as I am."

  Hudson shushed him. "You're going to give Nina the wrong impression of me."

  "Please, like I buy this whole prim-and-proper act of yours," Nina teased. She elbowed Seb playfully. "I bet he's all wild and freaky in bed."

  "Nina," Hudson hissed. "Honestly." He motioned down to the body on the ground.

  "What?" Nina blinked innocently. "He's not going to tell anyone."

  "You're incorrigible," Hudson said, shaking his head.

  Nina laughed and stood. "I'm going to let Sloane know we're ready to take the body."

  "You do that." Hudson ignored her poking her tongue out at him, along with Seb's rumble of a chuckle.

  "I was thinking we might have dinner at that cute little Korean place over on East 31st Street, the one where we had our first date."

  Hudson beamed up at him. "Really?"

  "Yeah, there's something I want to talk to you about, and I know how much you love that place." Seb's cheeks flushed, and Hudson's heart skipped a beat. He had opened his mouth to reply when a fellow agent called Seb over. "Hold that thought."

  Hudson w
atched Seb go, admiring the breadth of his shoulders, the way his body moved beneath the layers of his uniform. It took everything he had not to release a breathy sigh, and he reminded himself a crime scene was certainly not the place to leer at his hot boyfriend.

  Movement from the corner of his eye caught Hudson's attention. A man emerged from behind one of the BearCats.

  It all happened in a blur. The man aimed a gun at Hudson's chest just as Hudson hit the pavement, Seb shielding Hudson with his body. Shots rang out a heartbeat before a barrage of gunfire exploded through the air. The world seemed to slow to a crawl, and Hudson was engulfed in silence, hearing nothing but his ragged breath. The quiet was shattered by a bloodcurdling scream. Hudson lifted his head, his heart leaping in his throat.

  "No," he whispered, pushing at Seb. Seb rolled off him, and Hudson scrambled to his feet, tears blurring his vision as he sped over to the woman holding a small lifeless boy in her arms. Hudson dropped to his knees, bile rising in his throat and threatening to choke him at the sight of the gaping wound in the tiny body. No, oh God, no. Frantically, he felt for the boy's pulse, refusing to listen to his brain as it told him the boy was gone. The woman screamed, each shriek like a knife to Hudson's ears. She held her baby to her, rocking him, her hands and clothes covered in blood. Looking down, Hudson inhaled sharply at the blood on his trembling hands.

  "I... I'm so sorry." Hudson's words were a broken whisper. Tears rolled down his cheeks as agents and EMTs darted around them, trying to assess the situation, get to the boy, and calm the mother. She had gone ashen, her body racking with shivers. What if he was wrong? He had to check again. Maybe the little boy was all right, maybe if he checked again.... Someone grabbed Hudson under his arms, and Hudson fought against them.

  "No, I need to check again. I'm wrong. I have to be. He has to be--he can't--please." Hudson was dragged back and pulled to his feet away from the hysterical mother. His knees buckled, and he would have crumpled to the ground if Seb hadn't held him up. Hudson gazed up into the tearful eyes of the man he loved, the heartache and guilt a reflection of Hudson's own. It should have been Hudson. The bullet had been meant for him. Maybe it would have killed him, maybe he would have survived, but either way, the child would be alive. Because of their bond, their first instinct had been to protect each other when it should have been to protect the public.

  "What have we done?" Hudson's words were barely a whisper.

  "YOU TORE my family apart, and here you are like nothing happened." Mrs. Palmer's voice snapped Hudson from his trance, and Hudson thought he might be sick.

  "Is that what you think?" Seb asked in disbelief. "That we picked up where we left off? I know I can't possibly fathom the extent of the loss you've suffered, but we didn't just carry on with our lives. It ripped us apart. I might not have lost my mate to a bullet that day, Mrs. Palmer, but make no mistake, I lost him."

  "Your bond made you both unfit to serve, and you proved as much with your actions that day. My son lost his life due to your animal instincts. The courts may have ruled in your favor, but they were wrong. Marked mates have no place in law enforcement, much less in the same department. You're no better than animals, unable to control your impulses."

  "Forgive me." Hudson ran from the supermarket, ignoring Seb calling his name. He took off toward 10th Avenue, grateful for the head start. Seb wouldn't just take off and leave a distraught Mrs. Palmer standing in the middle of the grocery store in tears. If Seb decided to go after him, Hudson would never make it to the 7 train station on 11th Street. For all his bulk, Seb was a tiger Therian. If he pushed enough, he could easily catch up to Hudson.

  By the time Hudson reached the escalators down to the train, he was out of breath, but the lack of air and burn in his lungs was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. How could he have been so foolish, believing he and Seb could have a life together? Mrs. Palmer was right. Their bond made them unpredictable. They'd sworn an oath to protect the citizens of New York City, yet when they were together, their instincts fought against that promise. Hudson was often called out to Theta Destructive's crime scenes. Seb was fiercely protective of him as it was. How much worse would it be if they were together again? Hudson couldn't take the risk of history repeating itself.

  He wiped at his eyes, refusing to fall apart in the middle of the damned train station in front of strangers, but as he crowded into the corner of the car, he couldn't hold back the crushing grief that washed over him. There was no going back to Seb.

  Ever.

  "HEY."

  Seb was faintly aware of someone hovering over him, carefully removing the beer bottle from his hand. What time was it? How long had he been sitting here on the couch staring at nothing? The last half of the evening was a blur, a jumble of images and events. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to remember.

  Mrs. Palmer.

  Seb had apologized again and again. Not that it would do any good. He spewed word vomit at her, pleading for her to listen, to understand. He doubted she had, and he didn't blame her. Why should she care? How the fuck was she supposed to move on from losing a child? The area should have been secured. They'd been informed it was secure. Why did she choose that exact moment to leave her home? Seb let out a snort of disgust. How many times was he going to ask himself the same questions?

  When the gunman emerged, gun pointed at Hudson, Seb reacted to Hudson being in immediate danger, all the while believing the mother and child weren't targets. In court, it was argued that he'd breached protocol by not preserving the life of the mother and child, but the defense argued that since the intended target had been Hudson and the gunman had aimed solely at Hudson, Seb had done his duty in preserving life. It never occurred to Seb that the mother and child would end up in the line of fire or that the gunman would get another shot off before being neutralized. The court had ruled in Seb and Hudson's favor, and the agent who'd given the all clear took the fall, but the damage had been done. Seconds. That was all it took to shatter two families.

  Once Mrs. Palmer left the grocery store, Seb did the same. He called his mom, and calm as could be, lied, telling her he was sorry, that work had called and they wouldn't make dinner. He couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth. No doubt she saw right through him; she always did. But he just... couldn't. He arranged for dinner to be delivered to his parents from a local restaurant. Then he picked up a lot of alcohol from... fuck, he couldn't even remember where. Someplace.

  The room was blurry, and his head felt fuzzy, thick. His limbs uncooperative. At some point he'd gotten rid of his shirt, too hot and uncomfortable in his own skin. Someone tilted his head back and waved a hand in front of his face. Seb swatted at the shadows with a grunt, or at least he thought he did.

  "Shit. Look at you. How much did you drink?"

  Curses followed the sound of clinking bottles.

  "Not enough," Seb muttered, scoffing at himself. He patted the cushion next to him. Where the fuck was that bottle? He frowned and squinted at the face in front of him. "Dom? What you doin' 'ere?"

  "You butt-dialed me."

  "I did?" Seb felt his jean pockets. Wouldn't his phone need to be near his butt to butt-dial someone? Where the hell was his phone? With a frown, he scanned the living room. His phone lay on the coffee table across from him. How did it get over there? Then again he'd kind of tossed things wherever as soon as he got home, intent on drowning his sorrows.

  "When you didn't answer, I got worried."

  "I'm fine," Seb grumbled, letting his head fall back against the couch cushion. He squinted up at the ceiling. Was it his eyes, or was a square patch of ceiling slightly discolored. Like it had a translucent sheen to it.

  With a scoff, Dom took a seat beside Seb. "Yeah, nothing says 'fine' like alcohol poisoning Therian style."

  "Go 'way." Seb tried to get up. He needed more booze. Maybe then his heart would stop fucking hurting so much. Maybe then it would... stop... just stop. He didn't want to feel.

  "Don't say th
at."

  Seb stilled. Shit, had he said that out loud?

  "Yeah, you're fucking using your outside voice, genius." Dom sounded mad. Why the fuck was Dom mad? Seb rubbed at his eyes and sucked in a sharp breath. They burned. When had he taken off his shoes?

  "How long you been here?" Seb squinted at Dom, leaning toward him to point a menacing finger at him. "Stop moving my shit."

  Dom shook his head at him. "I just got here, and I don't know what you're talking about."

  "You took my shoes," Seb accused. He lifted his socked feet. "See."

  "You took off your own shoes, asshat. They're right there."

  "I did?" No, he didn't. Did he? God, he was drunk. He must have. Seb lolled his head to where Dom was pointing and there were his boots, neatly tucked under the side table. With a shrug, he searched the couch. "Fucking fuck. Where is it?" He grabbed at Dom. "What did... what you did with it?"

  "Okay. I see we're going to have to do this the hard way."

  Seb flipped him off. Maybe. He moved his hand. It got quiet, and he forced himself to sit forward, elbows on his knees and fingers in his hair. Man, he felt like shit. Water ran somewhere behind him.

  "Hey, I found your booze stash. It's over here."

  "Yeah?" Seb waved a hand. "Bring it."

  "Nah, bro. It's too heavy. You need to come get it."

  Seb let out a sound of disgust, peering at Dom when Dom wrapped an arm around his back, grunting as he tried to lift Seb.

  "You wanna maybe help me out here? It's like moving a fucking cement truck."

  "You need to bench-press more," Seb grunted, his face pushed away from Dom's.

  "And you need to fucking talk downwind and not in my face. Your breath smells like something fucking died."

  "That's just my heart."

  Dom paused. "What?"

  "That died. My heart died."

  "Jesus. Okay, come on, big guy. One step at a time."

  Seb followed Dom into the kitchen, scowling at the lights. Everything was so damn bright, like it was trying to set him on fire. Maybe that was the alcohol. Why were they in the kitchen? Seb wasn't hungry. Thinking about food made him want to puke.