by Logan Jacobs
“Gah!” I yelled and opened my eyes to see Grizz’s hologram next to me in the bed, his face centimeters away from mine. I scrambled back from the gigantic projected light image that was my gruff trainer and subsequently fell out of the other side of the bed.
Grizz laughed as his hologram shimmered and reformed near the foot of the bed. “That was almost worth you missing the first two hours of your training today.”
“Give a guy some warning next time, Grizz,” I grumbled as I got up and brushed myself off. “I was expecting someone much more soft and accommodating.”
“You should know as well as I, human, that Artemis is neither of those things,” he said kind of like a protective older brother, and that made me respect Grizz a little more. I mean, he was still a dick, but I couldn’t argue with him.
“Where is the little troublemaker?” I asked him as I threw on a shirt I’d found in one of the dresser drawers near the bed. They’d already been filled with underwear and socks as well as a couple of pairs of sweatpants and shirts.
“Unlike you, she is constitutionally capable of getting up without getting a lot of sleep,” Grizz said as he walked around my tiny, but really nice, studio apartment that surprisingly looked like it would have if I’d decorated it. There were a few plants, a picture of my mom and great uncle Joe, and my DVD collection from back home on a shelf by the big screen.
Grizz’s laughing had finally died down, and he stood with his arms crossed in front of his massive chest and stared at me.
“Artemis is at the training facility, preparing the constructs for today’s training,” he said with more than a hint of condescension. “She was there promptly at eight this morning.”
I walked around his bulk, grabbed the coffee he’d left on the nightstand, and took a sip. The rich, bitter taste of the darkest java I’d ever had hit my taste buds, and I was no longer tired. I took three more sips in rapid succession and nearly burned my mouth.
“Holy shit, that’s fucking good, Grizz!” I exclaimed, then I realized how odd it was. “How’d you make me coffee if you can’t carry anything?”
“I did not make you that disgusting concoction that passes for a breakfast beverage on your planet. Do you mistake me for a humble manservant? I am a merchant of death and avatar of destruction!” he said with grim severity. “Artemis programmed the automated chef.”
I glanced over and sure enough, there was a cylindrical robot with four mechanical arms in the middle of my kitchen area. It had a coffee pot in one hand, a bowl in another, a spatula in the third, and two eggs in the fourth. It whirred and chirped happily as it cracked the eggs, whisked them vigorously with its mechanical fingers and poured them into a small frying pan on top of the tiny range.
“Cool,” I said as I took another sip of the coffee.
“Now hurry and consume your morning sustenance so that I can begin to teach you how to crush your enemies and drive them before you!” Grizz exclaimed as he punched his right hand into his left palm for effect, a look of almost childlike glee on his face. “Finally to make good use of this day.”
“I always say,” I started as I finished up my coffee, “a day without crushing your enemies is a day wasted.”
“That is the first intelligent thing you have said, human,” Grizz said almost affectionately. “I still think you are terribly unsuited for combat and are going to die horribly, but I believe I dislike you less than I did a moment ago.”
“Thanks, Grizz,” I said hesitantly, “I think.”
The little cylindrical robot whirred over and handed me a plate full of fluffy scrambled eggs and two pieces of buttered toast. I was starving and dug in heartily.
Grizz’s orb, which had positioned itself in the corner of the room where it projected his hologram, let out an electronic chirp.
“Ah, Artemis is almost finished calibrating the constructs,” Grizz smiled in a way that had me more than a little worried. “Get dressed and meet me downstairs.”
And with that, he flickered out of existence, and his orb floated down from the ceiling and out my front door.
I finished up my breakfast, handing the empty plate and mug back to the little robot who bleeped excitedly as if it was thrilled to do my dishes. I shrugged, brushed my teeth, and slipped into the new jumpsuit and boots that were hanging in my closet.
I found Grizz’s orb floating impatiently inside a hover-taxi that sat outside the entrance of my apartment complex. I hadn’t really been paying attention the night before, but in the light of day, I could see that I apparently lived in a busy little neighborhood about three miles from downtown. I hopped into the taxi which lifted off and sped into the flow of traffic.
Since Grizz’s imposing visage did not appear, I assumed that he was done with chit-chat for the moment and looked out the window as the taxi navigated the busy traffic. From this altitude, the view of Valiance city was amazing.
I could see that the city was essentially a giant spiral that started in a tightly coiled center and grew steadily in Fibonacci proportions as it sprawled on out through the horizon. Streams of hover-car traffic wound through the city like lines of ants, and spacecraft of various sizes burned their way into the atmosphere to rest at various docks and landing pads attached to the buildings. I found myself mesmerized by the rhythm and flow of it.
The next thing I knew the hover-taxi touched down next to a gargantuan, four-story building that looked like someone had taken a giant sea anemone and plopped it down in the middle of the city. The facade was a sinuous, seamless skin of spun metallic discs that shone with neon blue light with several open portals that had hover-walkways coming in and out of them. It was unlike any building I had ever seen.
Grizz’s orb floated out and the Space Barbarian pixelated into existence next to the taxi. I got out and stood next to him as I ogled the building.
“It is quite something, isn’t it, human?” Grizz asked, his voice tinged with reverence.
“Yeah,” was all that I could manage to say, my mind lost in the strangeness of the architecture.
“This is the Hall of Champions,” he said as we started to walk toward the building, “where you will train, store your equipment, and learn to be a true warrior.”
I was silent as we walked inside. The foyer was a large hollow sphere with literally hundreds of hallway entrances in the wall. Aliens of every make and model walked, crawled, flew, and slithered into and out of the hallways.
I followed Grizz as he walked into one of the hallways and I realized fairly quickly that this was where I had materialized the night before. A few short minutes later, we walked into the locker room.
Artemis was at the computer bank again, her hair done up in a loose bun held in place with a bright yellow number two pencil. She heard us enter and turned to greet us.
“There’s the slumber cranium,” she said with a smile as she walked over to us. “I hope you liked your breakfast.”
I was a little unsure how it was going to play out between us. In my limited experience, business and pleasure didn’t mix, and I felt a little hesitant on how much affection to show. Artemis put me at ease when she gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek with not an ounce of awkwardness or self-consciousness.
“Didn’t hold a candle to dessert last night,” I grinned, “but it sufficed.”
Artemis smiled and winked at me as her cheeks flushed ever so slightly. We walked into a large rectangular open area that reminded me of a karate dojo, there was a sparring area, workout corner with futuristic weight machines, and along the far wall a mini weapons locker with various cool looking implements of destruction. Down from the weapons area was a table that protruded from the wall full of computer equipment and a futuristic dentist chair next to it. We walked to the table, and Artemis motioned for me to sit in the chair.
A two-dimensional rendering of what I assumed was me appeared on the display wall behind the table. Various alien markings appeared in green and red.
“Our immediate job is to get your phys
ical prowess numbers up into a competitive range.” Artemis asserted.
“Indeed, human,” Grizz concurred as he paced in front of the table, “although I heard you did well in a scuffle at the Breach last night.”
“I did okay, I guess,” I said as I sat in the weird looking dentist chair, “it was mostly left-over adrenaline and the Blue Betty I think.”
Grizz stopped pacing and looked at me.
“That may well be, Havak,” he said, the use of my last name was a familiarity that took me back a bit. “Your body was possibly still enhanced by chemicals both natural and artificial, but in my experience, that will only take a combatant so far. The heart of a fighter must reside within your chest if you wish to become a champion. A flame of ferocity that lives at your core that cannot be extinguished. A will to survive. No chemical can replicate that, and it is something that cannot be taught.”
As he spoke, his pace had quickened, and I could almost see his holographic blood begin to pump.
“The only reason I am still here, willing to train you today, is because I believe I see that flame within you, Havak,” Grizz said as his eyes met mine. “Let us see if I am correct. How many Carnage Credits can he spend, Artemis?”
Artemis read over her computer screen for a moment.
“He has enough to upload two forms of unarmed combat or undergo a metabolic enhancement,” she replied efficiently.
Grizz nodded his head as he rubbed his chin, his brow furrowed in thought.
“Carnage Credits?” I asked with a smirk. “Great branding. Carnage Credits are the credits you get for delivering maximum carnage!”
“Yes,” Artemis said impressed. “That is exactly how you get them.”
“What will it be, human?” Grizz interjected impatiently. “Combat upgrade or metabolic enhancement?”
“Um, what is a metabolic enhancement?” I asked skeptically. “That like meal replacement shakes or something?”
“We can speed up the REM rejuvenation process that occurs when you sleep,” Artemis answered simply.
“Huh?” I muttered a little annoyed. I was tired of not understanding what the fuck everyone was talking about.
“Your bed is equipped with a REM rejuvenator,” she replied. “It helps speed your metabolism for faster healing, as well as strength and stamina improvement.”
“Oh, is that why I don’t have any bruises from yesterday?” I asked as I stretched in the chair, trying to find any muscles that were sore. I couldn’t.
“Yes,” Artemis answered. “It is set at the base level for now. If we want to speed up your strength building process, you can spend experience points earned in a Trial to upgrade the device, or we can use it to inject a combat module into your N.C.I.”
“Which will give me the know-how but not the practice,” I finished for her, and Grizz raised an eyebrow at me. “What? I pay attention sometimes.”
“Hmm, we shall see,” Grizz replied unconvinced. “I propose we forgo the REM upgrade and upload the combat techniques. Through vigorous training, we will build your strength. The combat modules will be available, if not perfected, immediately as well. REM conditioning takes time we may not have.”
“Copy that,” Artemis chimed. “We’re restricted to Earth-borne combat styles for the time being. Our options are on the screen now.”
The display showed a list of ten martial arts styles – Karate, Jiu-jitsu, Boxing, Muay Thai, Krav Maga, Silat, Tae-Kwon Do, Keysi Fighting Method or KFM, Kenjutsu, and Glima.
“Hmm, yes, interesting,” Grizz said thoughtfully as he considered each one. “Thank you, Artemis, for making these available to our neural network, saving me the time of having to research them. I would say our best options are--”
“Krav Maga and Glima,” I blurted out. “I want Krav Maga and Glima.”
“Really?” Grizz questioned as his gaze fell on me, one eyebrow raised. “Do you not think we should discuss the merits of each one?”
“Nope,” I retorted quickly. “Krav Maga. Glima.”
“Marc,” Artemis cajoled, “maybe Grizz is right, this is a big decision that could affect the outcome of every trial from here on out. Do you even know what those are?”
“One, I am very aware that my life, and the fate of my planet are on the line here,” I said emphatically. “Lord knows that’s been beaten into my skull enough. And second, I was a dorky kid who loved action movies who had a lot of free time to surf the internet. Krav Maga is the official unarmed combat technique of the Israeli armed forces, you know, those folks have been fighting anyone and everything since forever. And Glima is a catch-all term for Viking fighting techniques. That’s right, I said Ragnar Lothbrook, Hammer of the Gods, Norse raider mother truckin Vikings. Boom. You both can suck it. Gimmie.”
I had gotten a bit animated during my little diatribe and had to sit back in my seat once I was finished. Grizz and Artemis just stared at me.
“That coffee was very strong this morning,” I offered as an excuse for my outburst, “and Vikings are badass.”
“What exactly am I supposed to suck, human?” Grizz asked, confused. “I cannot figure out why you would say such a thing. It makes no sense!”
“It is an Earth euphemism,” Artemis explained, “that means you are to suck a genital appendage.”
“Whoa!” I blurted out. “That’s the one you get right?”
“Ah,” Grizz uttered as he mulled it over in his head, “yes, now I think I understand. In this context, the sucking of a genital appendage is a negative?”
“Correct,” Artemis replied academically. “One would think sucking genital appendages to be a positive, but in this instance, sucking a genital appendage is used as a form of good-natured insult.”
“I see,” Grizz responded as if discussing the rules of iambic pentameter, “so sucking genital appendages--”
“Please stop saying genital appendages!” I yelled, not able to take it anymore.
“Why do you yell at me, human?” Grizz asked, his voice dripped with fake defensiveness. “It is not my fault your utterly nonsense form of verbal communication is the most backward, haphazard, and confusing language I’ve ever learned. I honestly don’t know how anyone who does not grow up speaking it is able to wrap their brains around it on your planet.” Grizz motioned with hands as he spoke, quite animated about the subject.
“Fair point, it is a mess,” I agreed. “If you think speaking it is hard, you should try writing it.”
“I do not find it hard,” Grizz said haughtily. “I am a champion of the Ar-X'ans-Oturi. Outside of the glorious struggle of combat, I find nothing hard.”
I shot Artemis a glance to see if she caught the accidental innuendo. She was barely able to stifle a giggle as she typed on her console.
“What?” Grizz asked warily.
“Nothing,” Artemis said innocently.
“Do all humans behave this way in the mornings?” Grizz asked absently. “Bah, enough idle lip-flapping. Artemis, please load the Champion’s requested combat packages post haste.”
Artemis tapped a few buttons, and I felt a small tingle at the base of my skull.
“Do you guys need to plug me in or something?” I asked sheepishly. I felt a little bad about my outburst.
“Oh, no, not at all,” Artemis chirped. “Your C.N.I. is linked to the network via a high-speed data tunnel that is capable of transmitting and receiving up to four light years away. These are pretty big files so it will take a few minutes.”
“Space Wi-Fi sync, sweet,” I uttered as the tingle got more intense.
The tingle became a buzz, and I could feel a pressure at the bottom of my skull that grew in intensity until there was a small pop and it was like a movie on fast forward got jammed into my brain. Images flashed like shadows on the back of my eyeballs. I could see them but not see them, like getting lost in a good book when the words disappeared, and it was almost like watching TV. Then it was over. I shook my head and rubbed my eyes.
“That was w
eird,” I croaked, my voice strained from an effort I wasn’t aware I had expended. “Do I know Kung-fu?” I asked Artemis, my voice low and kinda breathy in my best Keanu impression.
“No,” Artemis answered cautiously. “Why would you know Kung-fu? You did not ask for Kung-fu. I am very confused.”
“Artemis,” I chuckled, “I’m being silly. That’s from a movie. My brain is a constant jumble of movie quotes, pop culture references, and random non sequiturs. Some call it annoying, I say it’s part of my charm.” I winked at her.
“The verdict is still away on that one, Marc,” she teased me, “although you do have your moments.”
“Not many, but I do have them.” I smirked. “Play your cards right and maybe you’ll get to see some more.”
“Oh, promises, promises, Marc Havak,” she grinned as her eyes devoured me. “Upload complete, Grizz.”
“Yes!” Grizz growled excitedly. “Today begins your transformation from the slovenly form you have now into an emissary of destruction capable of victory in the Crucible of Carnage.”
“Who’s slovenly?” I asked half-jokingly and half-hurt. “And how exactly does the Crucible work? I still have no idea.”
“The Crucible of Carnage is a series of enhanced augmented reality constructs that take place in various locations in, on, or around this planet, where you will face a myriad of foes from the far reaches of the universe, as well as all kinds of environmental dangers,” Artemis blurted out. “Some trials are individual in nature, like yesterday, others will pit you against champions from other planets in battles to the death. While others may have you join forces for team combat.”
“Okay,” I mused, “PvE and PvP style. I’m gonna assume within those you’ve got free-for-all, defend a location, assault, escort, destroy, and any combination of those. Do I need to pay a subscription fee to unlock the best weapons?”
“I thought you were unfamiliar with the Crucible, human?” Grizz asked, his eyebrow raised.
“I am,” I answered, “but this is just standard video game stuff. I’m either fighting against the computer or against other players essentially. That’s what you mean by constructs, right?”