“Yeah, you don't want your yoga teacher pissed at you.”
“Hah!” He barked out a laugh. “Well I’ve been on the opposite end of her temper more times than I’d like to admit. I think I know how to handle it.”
“Maybe I’ve changed.” I crossed my arms, a bit offended but also not wanting him to get ready, because it meant I had to leave. It meant this moment, whatever it was, would be over, and I needed it. I needed him.
He tilted his head then leaned over, his massive body coming within inches of mine as he put his hands on my shoulders and then very slowly pulled me to my feet.
I exhaled a shaky breath as those same hands ran up and down my arms, only to stop as he crooked my chin with his thumb and forefinger, leaned in and whispered in my ear, his lips grazing my skin, “I highly doubt it.”
I was afraid to breathe.
He lingered there like he was seconds away from kissing my neck.
And I would let him.
My heart pounded in my chest as he slowly pulled away and then gave me his back. “Spare towels in the cupboard. If you want to shower, I’ll feed you before you go.”
I stared after him, stunned. “Are you going to poison my oatmeal?”
“Bacon,” he corrected moving out of the room. “And I’m not going to poison you… yet”
“Why the sudden change of heart?” I called after him.
He stopped and looked over his shoulder. “I’m not as strong as I thought I was.”
“It takes strength to stay away from me? I’m not sure if that's a compliment or an insult.”
“Oh, I’d take it as a compliment. Now I’m going to leave before I do something we both know we’ll regret.”
“What’s that?”
His eyes locked on mine and then lowered, never had I ever seen such a sexy look on a guy’s face before. I squeezed my thighs together as the corner of his mouth tilted up in a smirk that should be illegal. “Use your imagination. I know I am.”
I gaped.
“Oh, and you’re going to want to brush—” He pointed to my head. “—all of that.”
I touched my head. Sure enough, my hair was a mess. I probably looked homeless.
“Brush in the right drawer.”
He shut the door quietly behind him.
Disappointed, I stood there for a few brief seconds then opened it a crack and watched him walk down the hall cursing the entire way. And I might have smiled a bit when he adjusted himself and banged his head against the wall at least three times before disappearing around the corner.
Game. On.
10
Jax
I stared hard at the bacon, the pan, the utensils. I figured if my focus was elsewhere I’d lose my shit, march into that bathroom, and slam her against the nearest sturdy surface, lick her from head to toe, repeat, and then burst into tears.
Actual tears.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
She was supposed to hate me.
She was supposed to stay away.
She wasn’t supposed to know where the candy was, or why her finger still had a small imprint from the rock I’d put there.
And that wasn’t all of it.
There were so many secrets between us, I could have built a wall to Heaven only to jump back down into Hell the minute she looked at me and realized the truth.
I was keeping the most painful parts of our relationship to myself, holding them with my bloody beaten hands, I was giving her a free pass, and I was going to make her fucking take it, if it was the last thing I did.
The bacon was cooked.
I worked on a few eggs.
I numbly walked around the kitchen and set her plate down in front of one of the bar stools and then grabbed my cell.
She needed closure.
I would give her the only kind I knew how to give.
I dialed the number.
Of course, she picked up on the first ring. “Jax?”
“Yeah, hey, you free tonight? I was thinking dinner?”
“What are you doing?”
“Please?”
“Jax…” She was hesitating. I knew why. We’d been friends forever. But she was beautiful, and she would make Harley second guess, she would help me push her away.
Damn it, why was it so painful?
My chest felt like it had taken so many brutal hits, there was no way my heart wasn’t exposed like this giant raw nerve.
“Fine,” she said. “I’m assuming you want this front-page news?”
“Please.” I choked down the word and waited a few beats before hearing another sigh from her.
“You owe me, Romonov.”
“I know, Noel.”
“Eight?” She sounded disappointed in me. Then again, she’d known me since I started in the league. She was the GM’s daughter, had always been off limits to the team, but after everything with Harley she’d reached out as a friend.
And I’d used her ever since.
To keep up appearances.
To make everyone think I was completely fine.
When I was dying inside.
“Yeah.” I hung up.
We’d go to the usual spot.
We’d laugh and eat dinner, we’d put on smiles for everyone. I’d show everyone that I was fine, I’d prove to Harley our chapter was closed, and Noel would prove to the last jackass running back she dated, that she’d moved on to bigger fish.
“Hey!” Harley rounded the corner and then plopped down on the barstool the way she used to.
My mouth went completely dry.
Her dark hair was wet, and she was wearing one of my cotton white shirts that hung past her hips.
Was she even wearing underwear?
I fisted my hands to keep from reaching for her and checking.
“What the hell are you wearing?” I asked in a tone that bordered on murderous.
She grinned. “A shirt. Just like you are. Anyways, I was thinking, after the bacon you have practice, weight lifting, yoga with yours truly.”
I suppressed a groan.
“Why don’t we hang out after?”
“Not happening.” I handed her a fork. “Eat.”
“Someone's grumpy this morning.” She dug into her eggs with fervor and then shoved a piece of bacon in her mouth. I’d always been obsessed with the way she ate.
A woman who enjoyed food as much as she did was just… a beautiful thing. I never had to worry about some weird diet if anything I was more restricted in what I ate than she was.
“I’m not grumpy, just exhausted, and I have a long day.” I stared at her pointedly. “Harley, I know you want answers.”
She paused mid-bite.
“And the truth is…” I felt like I was going to throw up. “The truth is, I’ve moved on, and I think you should too.”
“What?” Her face paled. “What do you mean you’ve moved on?”
“Dating,” I lied. “I’m in the process of moving on, and I think considering the circumstances, it would be healthy for you to do the same.” That sounded good, right? Even though I was minutes away from running in the opposite direction full speed toward a wall to purposely knock myself out.
“What’s her name?” She narrowed her eyes and kept eating.
“What?”
“Her name, the girl you’ve moved on with.” She waved the bacon in front of my face and then bit down with a grin. Damn, did she have to be so sexy? I was ready to crawl out of my skin. Torn between biting her and biting into my dry toast.
God, she’d tasted good.
Smooth skin beneath my fingertips.
Smiles against my mouth in between kisses.
“Noel.” I crossed my arms. “And the rest is none of your business.”
“So, you wouldn’t mind…” She didn’t miss a beat. “…if I went and just made out with what was that guy’s name? The hot wide receiver?”
I grit my teeth. “Which one?”
“You know, the one with the
ass.” She waved her fork at me and then stood and slowly walked around the island.
I backed away. “They all have asses.”
“No, you know, the one that the Sports Illustrated body issue said was carved from actual stone, Isaac was it?”
Isaac fucking Roberts?
No. HELL. No.
The guy had slept with half of Seattle and Bellevue by now!
“That's not moving on, that’s a one-night stand.” I gave her a challenging glare. “I mean truly moving past all this shit and finding someone who will make you happy.”
“That's the problem, Jax.” She had me cornered against my own damn stove. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who can do that.”
“And I’m pretty sure; I’m the only one who’s not willing.”
She flinched.
I hated it.
The pain I saw in her eyes.
The knowledge I was the cause of so much of it.
“Just leave it, Harley. Leave us.”
“We’re not worth fighting for, then? Is that what you’re telling me?”
I sighed. “I’m telling you that when it came to fighting, only one of us showed up for battle.”
“Oh yeah? Who?” Tears filled her eyes like she knew the truth.
I leaned over her, kissed her forehead as if I was saying goodbye and whispered. “Me.”
“That’s not true! I would never—”
“Never say never. You have no idea what tragedy does to a person.”
“Tragedy?” Her eyes were wild. “What tragedy? My accident?”
“Go.” I swallowed the emotion in my throat. “Now.”
“But Jax—”
“Go!” I roared, slamming my hands onto the table, knocking her plate from its place on the granite as it sailed to the floor in a loud crash.
Tears streamed down her face as she grabbed her purse and ran out of my apartment like I was the devil.
Sad part was.
Most days, that's exactly how my life felt.
Like Hell was on rewind.
And I had no way out.
11
Harley
I cried all the way to my car, big ugly tears that made my face feel hot and itchy and when I finally did make it to Grandma’s to change, she was already taking her morning nap in front of the TV, remote in hand.
I tiptoed around, put on my yoga gear, and stopped in my room to just breathe.
“We’re soup people.”
I laughed and then giggled when he said, “I could use some soup.”
“Nice ass that one.” Grandma winked at me.
A headache pulsed between my eyes as I squeezed them shut. The voices and the memories came slowly, all taking place here in my room. My duvet was falling on the floor. I stared it down, searching for answers, and then I saw him there as if it was yesterday, shirtless, tugging me toward the mattress, hovering over me eagerness in his expression an almost boyish grin on his face. The guy didn't have a bad boy bone in his body, did he?
How did I know that?
What had shifted?
He was darker now, on the inside.
He had been so light then.
We were so light.
I let out a sigh and waited for more to come.
But I was grasping at air, trying to hold on to it, knowing it would just seep through my greedy fingers. There was so much more.
And he was a dick for not telling me.
Even if it was the worst news in the world, I deserved to know.
I wiped my tears one last time, put on a fresh coat of makeup like I was getting ready to go to war, and stared at myself in the mirror.
High ponytail.
Red lipstick.
Mascara.
Jax Romonov was messing with the wrong ex.
I stomped out of my room feeling lighter than I had in years, kissed Grandma’s soft cheek, and drove like a bat out of hell all the way to the stadium.
One purpose in mind as I stomped down the hallways.
Without thinking, I opened up the locker room door where the guys changed and let myself in. It was the off-season, not like the whole team would be there, plus it felt right.
Like I used to do it all the time.
“Cover it up if you don't want to be laughed at or pointed at!” I yelled as guys quickly grabbed towels and clothing.
“Romonov!” One of the guys yelled. “Your woman's pissed!”
“My balls just shriveled,” another guy muttered when I walked past.
I rolled my eyes and stopped right in front of Jax.
Our eyes locked.
He dropped his towel and smirked.
I gritted my teeth.
I would not look down. I would not be impressed. I would not lick my lips. I would not smolder. I would not waver.
But Holy Mother of God.
Mouth dry I waited for him to say something.
“Harley.” He said my name in such an innocent, polite way that I wanted to smack him. “It’s been hours since you left my place and you’re still pissed?”
I felt my face heat.
Did he just declare we’d spent the night together?
In front of his entire team?
He crossed his arms.
I narrowed my eyes. “Well, maybe I’d be in a better mood if you knew what you were doing!”
“Dayum…” Sanchez said from behind me. I’d recognize that voice anywhere. My eyes flickered to the right, where Miller stood with a concerned look on his face. What? It’s not any worse than what he said!
Jax’s eyes moved into tiny slits as he stared down at me. “Look, if this is about me going out on a date tonight, you need to grow up.”
Enraged, I shoved against his chest. “I’m not the one hiding shit!”
“I think everyone agrees I'm not hiding anything.” He spread his arms wide. Completely naked.
Ugh, what a jackass!
“Bro, you have a date?” Miller chimed in. “Since when?”
“Not now, Miller,” Jax said through clenched teeth. “Now…” He turned back to me. “Would it kill you to just let it go and find your inner Elsa?”
“Yes.” I gulped. “It just might.”
“Everything okay in here?” One of the assistant coaches popped his head into the locker room.
I took a few steps back and nodded. Then I turned on my heel and left.
I just left.
The fight was in me.
But he was being purposely cruel, as if he was trying to shove me as far away from him as possible. But his eyes betrayed him.
His body language said go to hell.
His eyes said, you’ve always been my heaven.
“Now, just rest in downward dog for a few seconds, feel the stretch, and push back on your heels.”
All the guys looked like they were enjoying themselves.
Every guy but Jax.
I decided to face away from the guys today, I didn’t want to see his face, but every time I did a movement where I had to look under or behind me, his glare said it all.
He wanted to murder me.
Perfect, because I wanted to poison him.
And then ask him to kiss me.
And then cry a little bit.
Why did this have to be so hard?
Why did my brain have to be so broken? And why did it feel like my heart wasn’t quite right, like the beats were out of cadence?
“That's it for today.” My voice sounded uncertain and wobbly. I looked away when Sanchez seemed like he was about to ask if I was doing all right.
Miller walked up to me while I was gathering my things.
“So.” His voice was gruff. “Jax told me you found out about the engagement.”
The sting of tears burned both eyes. “Yeah, I may have gone a little crazy, yelled at him…”
Miller laughed. “He needs a little crazy in his life. I think he misses all the crazy.”
I frowned. “Is that what I was?”
&
nbsp; “No, you were more insane than crazy but in a really good way that changed him into a better man.”
My heart leapt. “Care to fill in any details?”
“Oath of silence.” He held up his hand. “Sanchez too. In fact, the whole team was told not to ruin your recovery, sorry.”
“How the hell is that going to ruin my recovery?” I wondered out loud.
Miller eyed me up and down. “I'm not a doctor, but I could make an educated guess that any sort of mental shock to your system isn’t going to be beneficial when your brain is already working really hard to fill in the spaces. Let it happen naturally, that's what the doctors said at least.”
“It may never happen,” I lamented.
“Then you need to move on,” he said softly.
I looked up into his haunted eyes.
He knew.
They all knew!
It was like being part of a reality show only not being in on the actual project and assuming everything was real!
Miller put his hand on my shoulder and gave a light squeeze and then lifted it and walked off.
Jax stared at me across the small expanse of yoga mats and equipment and then he turned and gave me his back.
No.
NO.
Something was dying inside me.
Something big.
Something beautiful.
I ran at him, clearly without a plan, since the minute I was close enough to touch him, I jumped into his arms, not giving him time to think.
I slammed my mouth against his.
With a growl, he kissed me back so hard that he stumbled trying to hold on to me. I wrapped my legs around his waist. I lost myself in the kiss he gave me, and I prayed memories would surface as the feeling of his tongue pressed against mine made each heartbeat almost painful in my chest.
He tasted like good memories, bad ones too. He tasted like us.
Like what I was supposed to wake up to.
But there was more, such sadness in his kiss, in the way he shuddered. I clung to him for dear life
Dear God, please don't let me go. Please. Not this time.
His chest heaved as he pulled his mouth from mine, his eyes drilled into me. “You can’t do that to me.”
“Why?”
Slowly he pulled me from his body and sat me on my feet. “Because.”
“You can't just say ‘because’!” I yelled. “Tell me why, damn it! When there's this thing between us that's still there! Why?”
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