And that feeling was back.
The one that reminded me that everything was the same, and yet so different.
At least Harley could move on.
At least she would know why.
I could taste her still, wanted her more than my next breath.
I didn’t deserve her.
I needed to be the strong one, the one who took the fall. That’s what my dad would have done, that’s what he taught me. I was the superhero of the scenario, and she deserved to be happy.
She pulled away from me.
I gritted my teeth and waited for the inevitable.
She walked to the middle of the living room, and then turned her head toward the hall.
I knew what she was thinking.
No noise.
Why did silence piss me off so much?
Because at least when she was crying, I knew she was alive.
“I just wanted sleep,” Harley said in a whisper I barely heard. “She was dying, and I was sleeping.”
“Harley.” I stomped over to her and grabbed her by the elbow, forcing her to look at me. “You need to stop! The doctors said there was nothing we could have done, nothing! Hate me, blame me, yell at me, but don’t let that guilt fester in your soul. You were sleeping and so was she. The only difference is, you woke up, and she went to Heaven.” My voice cracked.
Damn it, the pain was still so raw.
Harley burst into tears all over again. “At least she wasn’t in pain.”
“Sweetheart.” I wrapped my arms around her trembling frame and held her close. “What was the last thing you did with her before putting her down?”
She clung to my shirt, twisting it in her hands. “I sang her Twinkle, Twinkle.” She sobbed harder. “And I told her to reach for the stars.”
I squeezed my eyes shut as fresh tears poured down my cheeks. “And Harley, she did, our little girl did. She reached, and she was happy, so fucking happy.” So were we.
“I yelled at you.” Harley’s voice was so heavy with sadness I just wanted to keep holding her in my arms and ask her to give it to me, the burden, the grief, all of it. It had been over a year, and I was still mourning the loss of her.
I couldn’t even bring myself to say her name out loud.
Harley pulled away from me, walked into the kitchen, jumped up on the counter, and grabbed the giant stash of candy I kept in my cupboard above the fridge.
She reached for a bottle of rum.
And then she moved to the couch and set everything down. She flopped down and started drinking straight from the bottle, following that with a healthy bite out of a Hershey bar.
“Clearly everything’s coming back to you if you’re chugging rum and eating chocolate.”
It was one of my favorite things about her. The fact that she didn’t give a shit. She was unapologetically herself. If she wanted chocolate, she didn’t weigh it or say she was going to skip dessert for a week so she could have it. She just opened the damn candy bar and made it her bitch.
The same with rum.
Life, according to Harley, was meant to be lived.
Tentatively, I walked over to the couch and sat down.
She handed me a Snickers bar.
I shoved it in my mouth and chewed. Chocolate sweetness melted on my tongue, and I almost moaned out loud, it tasted so good.
Next came the bottle of rum.
I took two swigs and reveled in the smooth burn as it went down. I handed the bottle back.
And then I was buzzed enough to blurt, “I missed you.”
She stood, held out her hand, and led me to the bedroom we used to share.
Without speaking, we moved around the room, I shed my clothes down to my boxer briefs and tossed her a white T-shirt. She grabbed it midair and pulled it over her sports bra. I caught the flash of black boy short panties.
And then we crawled into bed.
She flipped on the ID channel.
I kissed her head.
And still without speaking… we eventually, fell asleep.
15
Harley
I was sick with sadness.
It felt like my heart was rotting inside my body, like someone was drowning me in my own tears, making it so I couldn’t suck in the air I needed.
I jolted awake.
Her smile filled my line of vision.
We’d gotten pregnant accidentally.
And then the happy accident turned into this amazing miracle. Jax was the best father. So patient, so helpful when it came to feedings since I didn’t produce enough milk.
He took the night shift.
He let me sleep.
And then pre-season had started. He wanted me to get a nanny to help, and I told him I could do it on my own and he could kiss my ass.
Slowly I’d gotten more and more exhausted. He tried to help, he sent a masseuse to the apartment once a week, and said he was going to start interviewing nannies so I could at least shower during the day. I was so absorbed in being the perfect mom to the perfect family that I lost myself a bit. I wasn’t showering as much as normal, and I was sad, so sad. And I couldn’t figure out why I was so sad when I had everything.
I was living the dream.
Engaged to the hottest quarterback in the NFL.
With a precious little child.
Whom I resented.
That was my secret.
That was my guilt.
Something was broken in me.
Because I didn’t feel like I was the same after giving birth. The rooms felt darker, the universe altered. I didn’t feel like me.
So, I faked it.
And I resented Jax when he left for practice.
And then I felt guilt when he’d come home and make it look so easy.
And then she would cry and I would cry, and then I would hold her and realize how much I loved her, and how much I loved us.
The last few days of her life were the happiest of mine.
Jax noticed something was off, but he never said anything. I could see him watching me as though perplexed sometimes.
And I finally decided that I needed to talk to someone, a therapist. I did one of those online consultations where you Skype, and she immediately told me what was wrong.
I had postpartum depression.
Time helped heal, but also I was my own worst enemy. With my need to prove myself to Jax, to the world, that I could do this and I could rock it, I was killing myself. My emotional health wasn’t what it should be.
Once I realized it wasn’t the new normal, that it wasn’t my perfect child, but a mixture of projection, fear, resentment, hormones changing, and shock, I finally let myself go.
That’s when I started singing her to sleep at night.
It was our time.
Special.
And that night, I went to bed thinking, wow, all we needed was time.
And I woke up without the knowledge that I had no time left.
“Hey.” Jax pulled me into his arms. “You’ve been crying again.”
“I had postpartum,” I blurted, my eyes finding the alarm clock that said four a.m. “I was so angry at you, how easy you made it look, how perfect you were at just… everything. And I was so tired, Jax, and I was trying so hard.” I shook my head. “And I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t.”
“Shhhh.” He pulled me onto his lap. “Har, I know you weren’t yourself. I knew it then, but I also knew that the more I pushed, the more you pulled away.”
“I blamed you,” I admitted. “Because I tried so hard and still felt like I failed, and because I was finally feeling better, and then this happened and I couldn’t take it, Jax. My heart couldn’t take it.”
“I know.”
“Stop being so understanding and yell at me!” I tried shoving against his chest. It was futile, the man had the best guns in the business.
“You done struggling?” he whispered against my neck.
“Maybe.” I leaned back against him, sinking into h
is hard body, loving the way he protectively held me, making himself a shield against the world. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Stop.” His command was harsh. “I’m the one that kept this from you for a year, Harley. I just — I knew you had a second chance at life, a second chance at happiness without seeing the memory of her in my eyes.”
“I messed up,” I whispered.
“We both did.”
Without even knowing it, I had missed the way he held on to me with such strength. He’d been everything to me, who was I kidding? He still was.
He was all I had left.
He wasn’t just my past.
He was my future.
No matter how painful it was to think about, to look into his blue eyes and know that hers had been identical… he was what I had left.
And it was time to pick up the pieces, wasn’t it?
“I don’t forgive you yet.” I turned in his arms and locked eyes with him. “You pushed me away for a year, and I struggled on my own—”
“Harley I—”
He stopped talking, and his face flashed with such intense pain I wanted to pull him in for a hug and never let go.
“Listen.” I gripped the sides of his face. “You need to promise me, no matter how ugly, how painful, how horrible things get, that you don’t shield me from them, you don’t make decisions on our behalf, you let me get a vote. Otherwise this isn’t going to work. Ever.”
His eyes searched mine. “Are you saying you’re willing to forgive me?”
I waited a few seconds then rasped, “Yes. If you’ll have me—”
He kissed the sentence away, gripped me by the ass, and threw me down on the mattress. Sigh. Football players.
So aggressive these days.
A little helmet to helmet action, meaning his forehead was pressed against mine as he tugged down my boy shorts and threw them to the side. “You won’t be needing those.”
“I won’t be needing those,” I agreed with a wide smile as he pulled up the cotton T-shirt and threw it on the foot of the bed.
“That either.”
“Agreed.” I bit down on my lower lip to keep from smiling like a fool as he leaned over my body, his hands roaming up and down my sides like he was memorizing me all over again and taking mental pictures of how perfect we were together, how perfect we’d always been.
“I love you, Harley.” He kissed me softly, the hard weight of his body had me squeezing my eyes shut with pleasure as he slid into me, effortlessly pinning me against the mattress, holding me there, exhaling against my neck as he whispered in my ear. “I’m never letting you go.”
“Just feed me and let me have bathroom breaks, and you have a deal,” I teased.
“Ah, already negotiating.” He rolled his hips.
I let out a little shriek. “Hmmm, yes?”
Jax grinned down at me his mouth finding mine as his body continued to move, creating waves of pleasure that had my soul flying off the bed into the universe while my body was still beneath his. “The next time you walk out that door it’s with an empty suitcase, and when you walk back in, it’s for good, and I want that suitcase fucking full.”
Tears welled in my eyes. It was almost too much. Jax was everywhere, inside me, pleasuring me, his hands touching me, the heat of his gaze searing me in place.
This beautiful man was mine.
And no matter what pain stood between us, at least it reminded us that we were alive, that we got that chance, that we owed it to our little girl to live and to love each other through the sorrow.
“I love you, Harley.” I felt his huge body still, like he was trying to hold back.
Always such a gentleman, my quarterback.
“I love you too.” I yanked his head down for a kiss and whispered against his lips. “Let go.”
“You first.”
“Together.”
“Always,” he rasped.
I’ll never forget the way it felt.
Finding my way back home.
In his arms.
16
Jax
Pre-season
Bellevue Bucks vs. Seattle Sharks
“She has fresh flowers,” Harley said in an awestruck voice.
“Every week.” I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “I bring fresh flowers every week for my dad, and I bring fresh flowers for her.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I love that they’re buried side by side.”
I pulled her close. “I love that she has a papa in Heaven.”
She turned her face into my chest and let the tears fall. “You think he sings her Twinkle Twinkle?”
“I think he holds her while she sleeps.” I admitted. “I think I can feel them sometimes, laughing with each other. I can still hear her giggle, and I wonder if the greatest gift in my dad’s death was that he would be there paving the way for when she went to meet him in Heaven.”
Harley pulled away from me and sank to her knees in front of the tiny grave that no parent should ever have to lay flower on.
Daisy Rose.
“Beloved daughter, our joy.” Harley read the tombstone then laid down yellow daisies, “Your dad and I found each other again. It only took a severe head wound on my part and complete stubbornness on his, but we’ll try, for you we’re trying. Our love made you and our love for you will keep us close forever, I promise.”
I put my hand on Harley’s shoulder and helped her to her feet, then dropped to my knees in front of our little girl’s grave. “I want you to be my wife, I want our little girl to see her mom and dad happy, together, laughing again, I want us to try for more little girls when the time’s right, and I want her to be proud.”
“Yes.” Harley squeezed her eyes shut as tear after tear dripped off her chin. “Yes!”
I shoved a new ring on her finger, not the one she’d seen before, but one that held new meaning. I got to my feet, still watching her.
Maybe she noticed a difference in the feel or something, because she finally looked down and burst into tears.
I was a gold daisy with a giant diamond in the middle of it, antique cut, and tiny little roses etched along the band.
“It’s her.” She said reverently, staring at it.
“Because she brought us back,” I said simply. “And because she’ll always be part of what’s special between us.”
“God, I love you Jax Romonov!” She launched herself into my arms.
I caught her and swung her around. “I love you too.”
“Okay.” She pulled away, sighed, and wiped her tears. “Now it’s time, now I’m ready.”
“Oh, you’re ready?” I teased.
“Yes.” She beamed. “Daisy and your dad will cheer from heaven, and I’ll take care of things down here. Throw an interception and I’m withholding sex for two days.”
My face hardened. “You wouldn’t do that to a man.”
“We can’t lose,” came her response.
I let out a groan and led her back to the SUV. “Seriously? Just like that?”
“It’s the pre-season opener, I can’t have my man throwing interceptions. Your concentration has been complete shit, even Sanchez says so.”
“I feel ganged up on.” I muttered, starting the car and driving us toward the stadium. I needed to get there a few hours early and I didn’t want to let Harley out of my sight.
Things had been good.
Better than good.
We still fought. Then again, I would think something was wrong if she wasn’t stealing my toothbrush or hiding my candy stash.
It felt better.
But it still hurt.
This was the first day she’d wanted to come to the grave. I understood her reasons for not wanting to see the cold hard ground and the marble gray tombstone above it. It still wreaked havoc on my soul when I visited.
But I was a dad.
And dads took care of their little girls.
So I went.
Every week.
; This was the first time the weight had lifted, just slightly, maybe because I had my other half with me, and I wasn’t facing the grief all by myself, and I wasn’t taking all the blame like I had before. She was communicating with me, and she was laughing again.
She was in my arms again.
I wanted it to stay that way forever.
Which was probably why I was already sweating.
“You okay?” Harley asked once we made it to the stadium and parked.
“Totally,” I lied as she looked around and frowned. “What?”
“It’s completely packed.” She waved her hand around. She was in a black and white Bellevue Bucks jersey, mine obviously. She had two little streaks of black under each eye and a temporary Bucks tattoo on her right cheek. Her leggings were the typical white and black streaked and she had on her pink Nikes. One of my favorite Bucks beanies covered part of her head, and in that moment I realized she’d never looked more beautiful.
With my ring on her finger.
In my gear.
Grinning from ear to ear.
“Yeah well, it’s a big game.” I shrugged it off and exhaled roughly before going to her side of the car and opening the door.
She stepped out and wrapped an arm around me. I kept my bag on my right and walked with her toward the back door through which the players entered.
We were right on time.
I checked my Rolex and tried to get the jitters out.
“You ready?” I reached for the door.
Harley gave me a funny look and crossed her arms, her dark hair spilled over her right shoulder. God, she was pretty. Her eyes gazed into mine. “You never get nervous before games. And it’s pre-season. You won’t even play the whole time.”
“Maybe I’m nervous that you’re going to be watching and refused to give me sex if I throw an interception.”
I jerked the door open.
Sanchez blocked the way. “She’s withholding if you do what?”
I let out a sigh. “How did you even hear that?”
“Bro, I was standing right here, and I’m happy to say you’re right on time. If you’ll just drop your bag and head on out, I’ll stay here with Harley.”
“What?” Harley looked between us.
Sanchez winked, the bastard, too good looking to be touching her, but such a great receiver I put up with his shit. Plus he was a friend, hell he was family.
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