by Michael Todd
Brock caught on. “Oh. Right. Absolutely.” He looked at the other guys, who immediately started to mumble about the trials of paperwork.
“Shit, yeah.”
“Hate the stuff.”
“The last dude who gave me paperwork? I punched him right in the dick.”
Katie glared at Eddie, who fumbled for words. “I mean, I did that, and I just got more damn paperwork. It’s, like, never-ending. Terrible. Yeah.”
Juntto nodded in grave agreement. They all sat down together, human, Damned, and frost giant, and ate breakfast.
The concierge had the SUVs packed and waiting by the time they got down to the first floor. Katie looked in the direction of the condo and sighed. “Hopefully it’ll be okay until we get back.”
Angie heard a mournful note in Katie’s voice; her tone was different than it normally was. She gave Katie a big hug before she left, but somehow, she wasn’t reassured.
“…it doesn’t feel pity or remorse.”
Katie leaned her head back and looked at Juntto. He was sitting in the seat across the aisle from her on the plane. “They’re talking about you.”
Juntto narrowed his eyes and cleared his throat, the words of the Terminator coming from him. “You are terminated.”
Everyone chuckled except Turner, who hushed them, having never seen the first Terminator. The ride to the base was pretty long, so they drew a movie name out of a hat and put it on to pass the time. Pandora was completely bored by it. I don’t know why we couldn’t have watched Batman.
Katie rolled her eyes. Because you’ve watched all of them a thousand times.
And I’ve learned so much from them, yet you still won’t let me be who I am meant to be. I am…Slut Girl!
Katie shook her head. Still no. Nice try.
You know you want to be my sidekick. I’ve seen your moves.
I’m nobody’s sidekick.
What about Brock over there? Eh?
Hmm.
See? You’ve got a little Slut Girl in you, too.
They sat laughing at the terrible special effects. Juntto was completely enthralled by the unstoppable bad guy, of course. When the movie was over, they were close to the base. Juntto stood up and stretched. “I am done with Van Damme. I think it is time to go Terminator.”
Angie stood up and got in Juntto’s face, crossing her arms over her chest. “Oh, hell no.”
Brock leaned toward Katie. “She’s about to go angry shopper on his ass.”
Angie put up her finger. “You better change into a shape that fits those clothes, or I’m taking you to Walmart to get your replacements. You’ll be fighting in sweatpants and Dickie overalls.”
Juntto wrinkled his nose. “That would be terrible.”
Angie nodded, but Juntto started to smile. She stepped back as Juntto changed anyway, making himself into an Arnold Schwarzenegger look-alike. However, instead of ripping his clothes to shreds in the process, he used magic to make them fit the new frame.
Angie tilted her head to the side, wheels turning. “So, wait, can you do that for other people?”
Juntto chuckled and stood tall, almost hitting his head on the ceiling. “I can use my magic for anything, really. I could do that for anyone. It’s kind of my specialty. I once created a full wardrobe for a giant. Not me, a different giant. And I changed a dress for a fairy so that she could walk tall around the others. It was pretty sweet.”
Angie had a mischievous smirk on her face, so Juntto quickly shut up. He realized that Angie just might have cornered him, now he’d admitted he could do that. The last thing he wanted was to become a clothing designer for women.
7
As the plane taxied onto the base hidden in the hills of Colorado, everyone got up and started collecting their things. Juntto and Katie were the last ones off the plane. Katie stopped at the door and turned to Juntto. “Whatever happens on this mission, if I suspect you of having one thought outside of being helpful to our side, I will personally take your dick and throw it in a lava pit.”
Juntto gave a gap-toothed smile. “I’ll be back…on your side.”
Katie sneered and exited the plane. Pandora was cracking up at Juntto, but Katie found it less than comical. I am surrounded by fools all the time.
Oh, lighten up. A laugh is good for you sometimes.
They dragged their gear toward the building and piled it up in one of the hangar bays. The captain running the operation came up and shook Katie’s hand. “Good to see you doing well. The doctor and his assistant are waiting for you in the gate building to go over the plan. Is your team ready to get going immediately?”
Katie looked at the others and back at the captain. “Locked and loaded.”
He nodded. “Good. When you are done with the debriefing, we’ll get everyone suited up.”
They followed him back to the room from which they had, just weeks before, entered hell. The doctor and his assistant stood up and shook everyone’s hands. Dr. Thorough nervously sat back down. “This mission should be much simpler than the last, and Alice and I will not be accompanying you. I think we will just get in the way if we do.”
Katie liked that idea but wasn’t going to say it out loud. Pandora just laughed. Thank you, Lucifer. Babysitting is hard work. Unless it’s this baby, sitting on Brock’s face.
Going to hell soon. Focus.
Okay. I’m focused, Mom.
Katie ignored her as Thorough pulled out one of his drones. “This is a drone we specially designed. It’s meant not only to withstand the climate of hell but also to be as inconspicuous as possible while sending data back through the portal. They are easy to set up. You place them on the ground, click the white button until it begins to blink, and hit the green button. All in all, the whole thing should take fifteen seconds per drone. After that, you want to make sure they are communicating. That is the trickiest part. As soon as I get the signal, I will turn them on. When you see the blades spin, you know it’s communicating.”
Katie looked at the drone. “And if it doesn’t spin?”
The doctor looked at Alice, who cleared her throat and flipped the drone over. “You flip it upside down and press the only button on the bottom. It will reset the circuitry. Then press the white button and then the green like you did the first time. If, after about fifteen seconds, there’s still nothing, just pick it up and bring it back.”
“But please try. We need these images,” Dr. Thorough added.
“And how many at each of the three locations?” Brock asked.
Thorough nodded. “You will be dropping twenty-four at each location, so six each. You can do them as fast as possible. I have a whole system in place. I’ll be able to respond as soon as I get the signal. I designed it not only for ease of use but for swiftness, especially since I know you guys will be inside. The entire operation should take, hopefully, no more than ten minutes tops. We tried to pick locations away from any activity. After you’re out, the drones can fly deeper in for observation.”
Katie clapped her hands. “Good. Is there anything else we should know?”
Thorough shook his head. “Nope. There are six sacks laid out, one for each of you. Grab your sack and…”
Pandora chuckled. Grabbin’ sacks and taking names. It’s our new motto.
Katie kept the smirk off her lips. Thorough continued. “…get in and out as fast as possible. We will be standing by and will be ready if you run into any kind of problem. We thank you for this.”
The team nodded and got up from the table, going to where the suits were. They quickly changed and tested their gear, then threw their satchels over their shoulders.
Sean grumbled, “Heavy gear, bro.”
“Heavy mission, bro,” Eddie responded. He looked at Juntto, still in Arnold form. “Don’t you need a suit or something?”
Juntto shrugged. He wasn’t wearing any protective gear, just a headset so he could communicate with them. “I’m not a weak human. I am a frost giant. A Leviathan. A conqueror of
stupid, squishy beings such as yourself.”
“Oh. Right.” Eddie and Sean exchanged a glance, and Sean rolled his eyes.
The team stood in a line facing the area where the first portal would be made. They looked down the line, giving each other the thumbs-up until it reached Katie.
Katie squared her shoulders. Okay, Pandora, do your work.
My pleasure. Abracadabra, reach out and grab ya’.
Pandora reached out through Katie, and the air in front of the team shuddered and shimmered and tore open. Heat and the smell of sulfur billowed from the new portal. Katie waved them forward, and everyone ran into hell as fast as they could. They fought through the blast of heat and knelt on the edge of a cliff overlooking several wide lava rivers. Jagged mountains stretched up to a sky glowing with an eerie light that seemed to have no source. Without talking, they went straight to work. Each took out drones, turned them on, and waited for the signal.
All along the cliff, drones began spinning their blades. In a moment the hellish sky was filled with small drones. They had no problems with any of them. Katie talked into her microphone inside her helmet. “All right, team, round up and get out of here.”
The portal had been left open, so one by one they jumped back through. The whole team took a knee to relax, their armor steaming from the unbearable heat of hell. As soon as Katie and Juntto were in the hangar bay, the portal snapped shut behind them. Several military members ran over, placing new satchels in front of each of them.
Doctor Thorough was on the headset frequency as well. “Excellent job. You ready for placement number two?”
Katie gave a thumbs-up. Pandora opened a second portal, this one in a flatland area covered in hardened lava. They jumped through and went straight to work, doing the same thing all over again. It went easy-peasy, with no fuck-ups, and within fifteen minutes they were back on Earth.
The military members again gave them new sets of drones and Katie looked at her team. “You boys ready?”
Juntto beat a fist against his chest. “I am a frost giant. I was born to war, not to free little metal bugs.”
Sean turned to Eddie. “Dude is super weird.”
Eddie shrugged. “Badass, though.”
Sean nodded reluctantly. “True.”
Katie called, “Let’s get to it. Two down, one to go.”
The dust billowed out in dense clouds as a UPS truck charged down the gravel road. The driver took a big hit off his vape and added his own smoke to the dust cloud. He tapped on his steering wheel to the beat of the radio, keeping one eye on his GPS. He frowned, trying to find the location of his next delivery. The device kept glitching, so he reached up to tap the screen. “Come on now, good buddy, don’t die on me out in the middle of nowhere. I’ll end up being someone’s supper.” He drove on at a snail’s pace.
Just as he rounded a hill, he slammed on his brakes. The truck was right in front of a guard shack. Where had that come from? A long metal fence stretched from either side of the shack. As a bulky guard with a scar on his cheek came over, the driver did his best to hide his vaporizer.
The guard put his hand out. “How can we help you?”
The driver made a show of looking through his notes. “I’ve got some shipments here for Timothy…the IT Gal? Huh. That’s what it says, though. Hey, I didn’t actually think that I would find you guys. The GPS went all haywire. I didn’t even know there was a military installation out here.”
The scarred guard just stared at him. “We are everywhere, sir.”
The driver blinked. “Yeah, well, where would you like me to leave the boxes? With you, I mean? Or can I go on base?”
The squeal of tires brought their attention to the road behind the guard shack. The jeep stopped at the fence and a man in tight pants, a lime green shirt, and a tan sports coat hopped out of the car. He walked through a gate in the perimeter fence, holding a handkerchief to his mouth and nose, and looked at the guard. “Because of all of the dust.”
“Oh.”
He stopped next to the guard and stared at the driver. “Well, it’s about damn time. And what is he doing just standing here? I need my packages.”
The guard looked a bit thrown off. “We were told no unauthorized personnel beyond this point.”
Timothy waved the idea away with one hand, the other firmly placed on his lower back. “Can’t you see that this is an emergency? I cannot possibly operate without new clothes. Since we decided to be out here in the middle of fucking nowhere with dust and bugs and grass and shit, I took matters into my own hands. You either bring me to the stores or the stores to me, and I’m a busy bee. I’ve got things to do, and I’m not doing them in off-brand crap. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I would hyperventilate looking down at knockoff Marc Jacobs. I can’t even.”
The guard shrugged, and the driver hopped out of his seat and pulled down four boxes. He helped Timothy load them into his jeep.
The driver was getting ready to leave when Timothy put his finger up and hurried back to the jeep, where he grabbed his wallet. He smiled as he sashayed back to the driver and stuffed a fifty into his pocket. “For all your trouble. Having to make this hellish drive.”
The driver smiled widely. “Thank you. I’ll keep an eye out for other boxes.”
Timothy winked. “Excellent. Drive safe back out of here, honey. It’s a doozy.”
Timothy ran back to the jeep and hauled ass back toward the base. The driver turned and hauled ass away from the base.
The scarred guard stood there for a moment. He was joined by a young guard. “No trouble?”
“No, but it was strange.”
The young guard ventured, “Should we call it in?”
The other guard nodded. “That would be the safest thing since I have no fucking clue what just happened here.” The scarred man walked over and picked up the phone. In a moment the general’s gruff voice came on the line.
“What do you want?”
“General, it’s Lieutenant Briggs at the front gate. Just wanted to let you know the UPS guy came to drop off Timothy’s clothes. We didn’t let him in, as per your orders, but we let in several boxes. They could be clothes, but I was thinking they could be something else.”
“Something else, Lieutenant Briggs?”
“Like contraband.”
“Contraband?” The general groaned. “For fuck’s sake. Deal with these issues on your own. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t piss off that IT guy.”
Pandora opened the third and final gate, and the team stepped through into hell. This location felt a hell of a lot hotter than the other two, and Katie exchanged a look with Brock. He waved his team on to check their surroundings.
Katie had a bad feeling in her gut, but she figured it was just the heat. This one is scalding.
Pandora sniffed. Yeah, because you are much closer to the rings of hell. Keep an eye out, and just get this shit done.
Katie nodded and looked at the others. “All right, team, let’s get these down and get the fuck out of here. I’ve had enough hot, molten days in my life.”
Brock pointed across the ledge they were on, and he and his three teammates went to work. Juntto lumbered up next to Katie and began setting up drones with his fat fingers. “This was a really stupid place to land. Who picked this, the human in the lab coat?”
Katie looked up. The gate they’d walked in through had already shut behind them. Pandora couldn’t hold it open forever. “I don’t know, Juntto, but if we concentrate we can get out of here in one piece.”
Suddenly Katie gasped and grabbed her chest. She could feel the surge of an incoming portal opening. She stood up and turned quickly as a gate began to open in the distance.
For a moment the portal stood there like a shimmering wound, then the demons came pouring out.
Katie groaned. “Fuck, fuck. Everyone, where are we with these?”
Brock looked at the other guys. “We are struggling with the connection over here. We need more time.”
Katie glanced at Juntto. “All right, big guy—you said you wanted a war.”
Juntto pounded his mighty fist into his other palm. “I’ll give them more time. Those fuckers are going to get their heads slammed together.”
Katie took a deep breath and walked to the guys. “We will buy you as much time as possible, but get those drones in the air. Our future on Earth is at stake. Work quickly.”
Brock caught her eye and nodded gravely, then sent his team back to work on the drones.
Katie turned toward the droves of demons coming toward them and cracked her neck. She pulled out her two pistols.
Juntto flexed his muscles. “Let’s do this, angel bitch.”
8
Juntto leaped forward, ready to run headfirst into the swarm of damned fiends. Katie grabbed his arm and found herself pulled along with him.
“Shit!”
Juntto stopped and lowered her back down. She straightened herself with a perturbed look. Juntto put his hands out. “So, what are we doing here? You want to have tea or something?”
Katie groaned. “No, I want to know what your strategy is going to be. You’re unarmed, and you have this huge, slow-moving body.”
Juntto looked down at himself. “Not slow. Muscular and powerful. What are you going to do in that frail human body?”
“Point taken,” Katie replied.
Juntto put both fists in front of him and flexed his muscles, green moving up his arms. “I can do that Hulk character. Hulk smash!”
Katie put her hand on his arm. “No! Just stick with what you have. Green monster is too much, dude. Too much.”
The green faded as he relaxed his muscles. He shrugged. “I’m gonna head right into that large group and rip some heads off. I will also watch your back in case you find yourself slashed and crashed.”
Katie sighed. “Where are you learning all these sayings?”
“The internet…mostly me-mes.”