The Lover

by E. L. Todd

  Not the least bit.

  We walked outside and stood on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant to say goodbye.

  Tom hugged Pepper. “Thanks for having dinner with us. Colton always speaks so highly of you. You’ll have to tell me some embarrassing stories one of these days.”

  “Oh, definitely,” she said. “I have a lot of those.”

  I stood with my hands in the pockets of my jacket and felt my brother staring at me. I continued to look away like the empty street was far more interesting than the blue color of his eyes.

  “Soldier misses you,” he said. “Maybe you should come by the house and visit him.”

  I missed the dog too, but I hated Finn more. “Pepper can bring him by the apartment sometime.”

  “No place for a dog of his size.”

  “We’ll take him to the park.” I kept my gaze directed away.

  Finn stepped closer to me. “So, what are we going to do for the holidays? You’re going to pretend I don’t exist, and Mom and Dad are going to watch our relationship fall apart? Yeah…that sounds like a nice Christmas.”

  “When they figure out what you did, they’ll understand.”

  “You forget that Mom wants Pepper to be happy more than anything. If I make Pepper happy, then Mom’s happy. Maybe you’re too selfish to understand that.”

  I slowly turned my head back to him. “What the fuck did you just say?”

  “I said you’re selfish.”

  “I’m selfish?” I pointed my finger in my chest. “I told Pepper she could do whatever she wanted because I want her to be happy. But that doesn’t mean I won’t hate you. You’re the selfish asshole who couldn’t keep your dick in your pants, even around your brother’s ex-wife. No, asshole. You’re the selfish one.”

  Pepper sighed as she watched us tell each other off. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

  Tom nodded in agreement.

  “Hate is a strong word, Colton.” Finn stared me down with his arms by his sides.

  “In this case, it’s not strong enough.” I turned to walk away, knowing Tom would come with me to his car in the parking lot.

  “What do you want me to do, Colton?” Finn yelled as I walked toward the lot. “Stop seeing her? Is that what it’s going to take?”

  I turned back around, hating my brother for not understanding my feelings at all. “No. I want you to go back in time and actually give a shit about me. I want you to go back in time and figure out what it means to be a brother, what it means to be loyal, what it means to be family. Because you have no fucking idea how important that is.”

  5

  Pepper

  Instead of driving to his house outside the city, Finn pulled up to the curb outside my building. Then he rested his arm on the steering wheel and stared straight ahead, like he expected me to hop out of the truck without saying a word.

  I didn’t undo my seat belt. “What are you doing?”

  “Dropping you off.”

  I slept at his place most nights of the week, so this was out of the ordinary. “I’m only going into my apartment if you’re coming with me.”

  He sighed as he looked at the empty road in front of him. “And be across the hall from the man who hates me? I’ll pass.”

  “Then let’s go to your place.”

  He sighed again, like that was the last thing he wanted to do. “I want to be alone.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Trust me, I do. I’ve been alone my whole life.”

  “But you aren’t alone anymore.” I kept my hands in my lap as I watched him on the other side of the truck. “So we can keep arguing about this while the engine runs and we waste gas, or we can go to the house where Soldier is waiting for us.”

  He ground his teeth together slightly before he hit the gas and pulled away from the apartment complex.

  I looked out the window, relieved I won the standoff. “He doesn’t hate you.”

  “That’s not what I heard.”

  “He didn’t mean it.”

  “I think he did, Pepper.”

  “I know that man better than anyone. Trust me, he doesn’t hate you. He’s just struggling to internalize the pain he feels. Seeing us together reminds him what you did, and he feels that betrayal all over again. He doesn’t know how to control his emotions, how to accept what’s going on right in front of him.”

  He drove down the streets until he left the city and entered the suburbs. “And what am I supposed to do about that?”

  “I don’t know…give him time.”

  “I don’t think there’s enough time in the world.”

  “I know it’s hard, but you need to be patient with him. It’s difficult for him. We were married for three years. Seeing me with his brother is probably really weird for him, even if things had run more smoothly.”

  He turned down the dark streets and approached the front of the house. He pulled into the garage then shut the door behind him.

  Soldier’s barks could be heard coming from inside the house.

  Finn got out without waiting for me and entered the kitchen, ignoring Soldier when he whined for attention.

  It was impossible for me to ignore him, so I leaned down and gave him a good rubdown before I joined Finn in his bedroom.

  He was already stripped to his boxers and in bed, and judging from the fact he wasn’t naked, he wasn’t in the mood for sex. With one hand behind his head, he looked up at the ceiling.

  I got ready for bed in the bathroom then joined him a moment later, Soldier getting comfortable at the foot of the bed. The three of us crammed together on the single mattress, one large man and one big dog taking up most of the space.

  I didn’t cuddle with Finn because he didn’t seem interested.

  With his eyes glued to the ceiling, he said, “I don’t know what to do.”

  “There’s nothing you can do.”

  “I don’t want my own brother to hate me.”

  “He’ll get over it eventually. He’s never really seen us together, so let him get used to it.”

  “Do you think I should talk to him again?”

  “I don’t know… I think space is what he needs.”

  His eyes were wide open, and his chest slowly rose and fell while his military dog tags moved with his breathing. He couldn’t really be happy with me because the guilt tugged him so hard. He was a man who’d lived a selfless life, and then when he really wanted something, he couldn’t have it. It was off-limits. “I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

  “I know…” I scooted closer to him and rubbed my hand over his chest. “Me neither.”

  “How am I supposed to be happy when I feel guilty all the time?”

  “You just have to trust that it will pass.”

  “But when will it pass?”

  I didn’t have a concrete answer. “Eventually.”

  I took the stairs up to my floor the next morning, makeup gone from my face, and I wore the same clothes as the night before. I headed down the hallway and watched Colton step out of his apartment, a bag of trash in his hand.

  He stopped when he saw me. One glance told him I’d spent the night at Finn’s, and that he’d just dropped me off. When Colton recovered from the realization, he walked forward and headed to the trash chute. “Morning.”

  “Morning.”

  He dropped the plastic bag in the chute then turned to me.

  I understood Colton’s feelings perfectly, but I was still disappointed in his behavior. “You really hurt Finn’s feelings last night.”

  He couldn’t keep the derision out of his voice. “Oh, I hurt his feelings? Gosh, I’m so sorry.” He turned away and headed back to his apartment.

  “Finn didn’t want to be with me to hurt you. But you told him you hated him because you wanted to hurt him. It’s not the same thing at all.”

  He stopped. “I didn’t say that to hurt him. I said it because that’s how I feel.”

  My eyes narrowed. “You don’t me
an that. I know you don’t.”

  “Ever since he came back to Seattle, he’s been making my life miserable.”

  “Don’t be dramatic.”

  “I’m not. You and Finn are the only people who think what he did was right. And that’s because you’re fucking all the pain and guilt away. While everyone else understands he crossed a line he can’t uncross.”

  I was starting to worry that this would never be okay, that this would ruin friendships and relationships. “You told me you wanted me to be happy.”

  “And I meant that.” Sincerity was in his eyes, shining like a beacon.

  “You aren’t doing a good job of showing it.”

  “They are two separate feelings. I want you to be happy, even if it is with him. But anytime I see him with you, I think about what he did, that he’s with the woman I was married to. It’s like incest or something.”

  “It’s nothing like that, Colton.”

  “It’s still a betrayal. You expect me to get over that in a month?”

  “No. But I expect you to be a little classier. Telling him you hate him is not okay.”

  “But I mean it.”

  “No, you don’t, Colton,” I snapped. “You’re the most loving person I know. I refuse to believe you’re capable of feeling something so evil, especially for your own blood. It’s perfectly fine to be angry, but don’t say cold things like that. I understand Finn’s actions were wrong, but he didn’t do this out of spite. He did this because he cares about me.”

  Colton turned away, his eyes filled with anger mixed with resentment. He stopped in front of his front door with his hands on his hips, wearing his sweatpants and t-shirt and carrying his attitude like a cloak.

  “Colton.”

  He still wouldn’t look at me.

  “You need to tell Finn you didn’t mean it.”

  Silence.

  “Colt.”

  He finally turned back to me, his jaw tight.

  “You don’t hate him. I know you don’t. Make sure he knows that too. He was really down last night.”

  He watched me, his blue eyes slowly filling with remorse.

  “I’m going to be honest with you, Colton. When I first saw you with Aaron, it was hard for me.”

  His eyes slowly dropped as he listened to what I said. He pivoted closer to me, his attention piqued.

  “I wasn’t necessarily jealous. I wasn’t necessarily heartbroken. It was just…difficult. We used to do everything together, used to come home to each other, and seeing you move on with someone else made me realize we would really never be what we used to be. You’d been mine for so long that it was hard to let you go. Kinda like a parent who watches their kid go to kindergarten the first time. But I knew I had to let it go and be happy for you. That’s what I chose to do…and then it became easier.”

  Colton crossed his arms over his chest. “I get what you’re saying, but it’s not the same thing. It was difficult for me to accept Jax in the beginning too.”

  “But I’ve gone out of my way to make Tom feel welcome. I see the way he makes you happy, so I would still treat him well even if I didn’t like him. You started a new life and made such a drastic change, but I’ve been nothing but supportive. Even when you broke my heart and told me you were gay…I was there for you.”

  His eyes slowly filled with tears, a thin film of moisture that reflected the light from the ceiling. “I know you were.”

  “And I’ll always support you, no matter what you want, even if you decide you’re an alien from another planet. Because love is selfless and infinite. I just wish…you would try harder to be okay with this. I know it’s complicated because of Finn, but he makes me feel… I can’t even explain it. We should be in the honeymoon phase right now, but the stress of you has killed that momentum. I don’t want this relationship to end before it can even start. I just wish—”

  “I’ll try harder, Pepper.”

  Finally, I’d broken through his spiteful exterior and reached the compassionate man underneath.

  “I know I’ve made this whole thing about me…which is wrong.”

  “I really love him, Colton. It may never go anywhere, but I want to be with him nonetheless.”

  He gave a slight nod. “Then I’ll be better.” He blinked his eyes quickly and his tears dissipated. “I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult. I just get lost in my feelings and forget about the big picture. I need to keep my feelings for Finn separate from your relationship with him.”

  “Thanks…and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him. He never meant to hurt you. And he cares about you more than you realize. He would die for you.”

  “I’ve never gotten that impression from him…” Instead of turning angry and spiteful, Colton was still calm and quiet, speaking from the heart rather than from rage.

  “Well, he would. I know he would.”

  He stared at me for a while, his gaze dropping toward the floor.

  I stared at the man who used to be my husband and saw all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. He was beautiful and soft like a rose, but sometimes, his stem was embedded with painful thorns. “I should get going. I’ve got a business to run.”

  “Yeah…me too.”

  I smiled and squeezed his arm. “Good talk.”

  “Yeah.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his chest, his lips landing on my forehead. “Love you.”

  I closed my eyes and sighed against his chest, immediately forgiving him for his behavior the night before. “I love you too.”

  Finn walked inside, in his workout clothes after hitting the gym. Sweat had soaked into his shirt around his neck and under his arms, and I’d never seen sweat stains look so sexy. But this man could pull off anything.

  Soldier was close to my side as we watched TV together. He didn’t even get up to greet Finn because he was so comfortable.

  “How was your workout?”

  Finn took a long drink of his water as he walked into the kitchen. “Hard.” He eyed Soldier on the couch. “Traitor.”

  Soldier rested his chin on my thigh.

  “He’s just comfy.” I scratched him behind the ears.

  Finn set his bottle in the sink then walked toward me. “Doesn’t look like you guys missed me at all.”

  “Because we didn’t.”

  He narrowed his eyes, but his lips were slightly raised in a smile. “If that dog had to save one of us, he would pick you.”

  “Only because you would want him to.”

  His smile faded, and affection entered his eyes. “True.”

  “So I talked to Colton yesterday…”

  “Oh, this should be good.”

  “He doesn’t hate you. He’s just emotional right now, and he got carried away.”

  He stood with his hands on his hips, seeming indifferent, but his eyes showed his true feelings. “I doubt that means things will get better.”

  “Give it time.”

  He eyed both of us before his eyes settled on me. “Are you going to get up and give me a kiss?”

  I looked at Soldier on my lap, where he was clearly comfortable snuggling into my side, and then looked up at Finn again. “I don’t want to disturb him.”

  He rolled his eyes and chuckled at the same time. “My woman prefers a dog to me.”

  “Well, he is the better snuggler…”

  He headed to the stairs. “I’m going to shower. I have this thing at work tonight. Do you want to come along?”

  “Work? You already worked the morning shift.”

  “It’s a dinner party type of thing. The emergency department rents out a room at a restaurant, and we get together…as if we don’t already spend enough time together. We give out awards and shit like that.”

  “You make it sound like fun…”

  “Just giving you the rundown. You want to come or not?”

  “When is it?”

  He glanced at the time on the clock. “In about an hour.”
<
br />   “What?” I asked incredulously. “That’s all the time you’re giving me to get ready?”

  “Aren’t you ready now?”

  “I’m just wearing your t-shirt.”

  He shrugged. “Wear that. You’ll be the best-looking person at the party.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Only to you.”

  “I disagree.” He stopped at the top of the stairs. “Wear lingerie underneath whatever you wear.”

  “Why?”

  “Because this party is going to be dull. Gives me something to think about.”

  Thankfully, I had a dress in his closet to wear. It had three-quarter sleeves, a sash around the waist, and it flared out around the hem. It was casual but also a little dressy, perfect to match with a pair of heels.

  And it was perfect to hide a one-piece bodysuit underneath.

  Finn eyed me up and down when I came down the stairs. “This party definitely won’t be dull now.” His hand moved into my hair as he leaned in and kissed me, giving me that possessive embrace that made me numb all the way to my toes. His fingers dug into the back of my neck, and he squeezed my lower back.

  Soldier sat on the floor near us, and he let out a growl.

  Finn pulled away and looked down at him. “Did you just growl at me?”

  It was a really good kiss that made me think about what we would do when we got home, but the second the dog growled at him like that, I could barely stop myself from laughing.

  Soldier started to wag his tail again once Finn stopped kissing me.

  Finn turned back to me, wearing a V-neck gray t-shirt with a black blazer on top. “Looks like you have another admirer.”

  “We’ve gotten pretty close.”

  “I’ll say.” He leaned in to kiss me again.

  Soldier growled once more.

  Finn looked down at him. “You’re kidding me, right?”

  “Maybe he’s jealous of me, not you.”

  He rolled his eyes. “We both know you’re the one he’s obsessed with.” He grabbed his wallet and keys off the counter and placed them in his pocket. “Let’s get going.” He walked out to the garage.

  This time, Soldier followed him.