by E. L. Todd
When I got home from work, I called him.
“Hey, baby.” He answered the phone in his typical deep voice, a sound that left most women paralyzed.
Including me. “I had lunch with Colton today. He told me about the long talk you had.”
The sound of keys and footsteps filled the background, along with Soldier barking. “Yeah, it went well. Now I’m leaving the house to pick him up. We’re going to the Mariners game.”
“Yeah, he mentioned that. I’m so happy you guys made up.”
“Me too. I should get going. I’m already running late.”
“Of course. You want to sleep over when you drop him off?” I didn’t get to see Finn last night, and if I didn’t see him tonight, that would be two nights in a row. For most relationships in the beginning stages, that was fine, but now that I was having the best sex of my life, just one night without it was too much for me.
“I got stuck with the morning shift again, so since I’m gonna be out late, I think I’m just gonna go home.”
“Alright…” I tried to mask my disappointment but failed miserably.
“But I’m off the following day. How about you come over then?”
At least that gave me something to look forward to. “Okay. I guess I can wait that long.”
“Miss me already?”
The teasing tone in his voice turned me into a puddle on the floor. All I wanted to do was tell him that I was so deeply in love with him, it scared me. I wasn’t one of those women who were obsessed with getting married. After my divorce, the idea of getting remarried terrified me, but now I wanted to rush into it at a sprint. I wanted to come home to him every day, see him leave for work every morning. “I always miss you…”
He was quiet over the line, letting the emotional statement echo in both of our minds. “I miss you too. I’ll see you soon.” Then he abruptly hung up.
“How was the game?”
Colton had stopped by on his lunch break, splitting his sandwich with me at the counter. “Good. We all ate hot dogs and chugged down as much beer as we could. The game went into extra innings, so we were there pretty late. I’ve been so tired at work, but it was totally worth it.” He held the sandwich to his mouth and took a bite.
“I’m glad you guys had fun. Was it awkward in the beginning?”
“A little, I guess. He was kinda quiet. But Finn is always kinda quiet.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
“We got a lot of free beers while we were there. Women kept buying us rounds—”
“You mean, buying Finn rounds?” I rolled my eyes because it was impossible for that man to go anywhere without getting free shit.
He shrugged. “I was trying to be sensitive.”
“I know I need to get used to it, but I never do.”
“That would get old after a while. I would hate to watch men hit on Tom everywhere we went. But if it makes you feel any better, Finn keeps his eyes to himself.”
“I know he does.” He was a loyal and faithful man. He would never fool around on me, even if he could get away with it. That was the kind of man he was. If he committed to something, he was completely invested.
“He dropped me off pretty late then went home.”
“I asked him to sleep over, but he said he had to work pretty early this morning.”
“He did?” Colton asked. “He told me he had to work at eleven.”
“You must have heard him wrong.” Finn wouldn’t lie to me, and if he had been wrong about his schedule, he would have told me.
“Maybe.” He finished his half of the sandwich then looked at the time. “I should head back to work. I was thinking we could have a game night at my place this weekend. You down?”
“Of course. But how are we going to do the teams? You and I always dominate.”
“I figured it would be couple teams. You and Finn, me and Tom, and Zach and Stella.”
“What about Tatum? She’s not seeing anyone right now. Don’t want to make her feel left out.”
He shrugged. “I’ll tell her to bring someone. If she can’t, whatever. We’ll play anyway.” He leaned over the counter and kissed me on the cheek. “See you later, babe.”
He hadn’t called me that in so long that I forgot how good that nickname felt. Full of affection and familial love, it made me feel like we were back to what we used to be, best friends. “Yeah…see you later.”
When I got home, I picked out a sexy piece of lingerie and prepared to go to Finn’s place. I packed a bag because I intended to stay there a couple of nights and through the weekend. Now I was so used to sleeping with him that my bed felt lumpy and uncomfortable. His deep breathing was a lullaby I needed to hear to get to sleep. Without it, I tossed and turned until exhaustion finally pulled me under.
He called me a few hours later. “Hey, baby.”
“Hey. I just finished packing my bag. You want me to bring anything?”
“Actually, can we do a rain check?”
The disappointment was even worse this time than last time. “Everything alright?”
“Yeah, I’ve had this crazy migraine since last night, and I’m just not in the mood for company.”
Did he consider me company? I considered myself to be more than just company. “You want me to get you anything? I have Tylenol.”
“I already took a few. Not doing the trick.”
“Maybe you should go to the ER.”
“No, I’m not that desperate,” he said with a chuckle. “I’ll feel better tomorrow. The house is a mess anyway. I’ve got to catch up on laundry.”
I didn’t want to accuse him of making excuses, but it was starting to feel like that was what he was doing—making excuses. “Finn, I know you wouldn’t lie to me, so I’ll believe whatever answer you give me…but is there something wrong?”
He was quiet over the line for a long time.
That wasn’t a good sign.
He suddenly turned hostile. “I told you I have a headache.” His playfulness disappeared, and now he seemed irritated with me. “We spend a lot of time together. I can’t have a few days to myself?”
He’d never spoken to me like that before, like I was the most obnoxious person on the planet. “When I have cramps, I don’t act like a bitch. Just because you have a headache doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole.” I loved this man so much it scared me, but I wouldn’t put up with bullshit like this. “Judging from your behavior, I can only assume there is something wrong, but you don’t have the balls to tell me what it is. So, you hide behind your excuses like a coward. I didn’t realize that was the kind of man you were.”
“Don’t you—”
“Bye.” I hung up on him. And since it was my turn to be an asshole, I turned off my phone.
When a few days passed and we didn’t talk, I knew things were bad.
He was stubborn like Colton, so he refused to reach out to me after I hung up on him.
Well, I was more stubborn, so two could play that game.
I wouldn’t cave. I did nothing wrong, and he was the one acting like a jackass. All I wanted was to spend time with him, and since we were together almost all the time, it wasn’t wrong of me to assume nothing had changed.
Despite my anger, I was also scared.
Scared that something terrible was about to happen. We’d been so happy lately, and I didn’t know what had happened to change his attitude so drastically. It seemed to take place after he spoke to Colton, and it made wonder if something else transpired during that conversation.
Was Finn going to dump me?
That couldn’t be possible. He’d just given me his necklace, something that was so valuable to him. That couldn’t be it.
Then what was the problem?
After I finished dinner and drank a bottle of wine on my own, a knock sounded on the door. It was almost nine, so it could only be Colton or Finn. Colton usually went to bed around nine, so it was unlikely to be him.
That meant Finn h
ad caved.
Good. Because I sure as hell wasn’t going to.
I peeked through the peephole and saw him standing on the other side, a slight beard growing across his jawline. He was in a black sweater, the dark color contrasting against the fair skin of his face. He was looking at the ground.
I opened the door, my guard up high. “Yes?” I kept one hand on the door, making it clear he wasn’t welcome to step inside. Until he apologized and made amends for his behavior, he wasn’t a welcome guest in my home.
He lifted his chin and looked at me, his blue eyes dull and lifeless.
I held my ground and suffered through the silence. It was Finn’s best attack, but I was used to his intimidating stare.
He finally released a breath through his flared nostrils. “Can I come in?”
“No.”
His eyes narrowed. “So you want to have this conversation in the hallway?”
“Doesn’t make a difference to me. Colton is asleep.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I do.” I started to close the door so less of him was revealed. “Unless you’re here to apologize, I don’t see what else there is to talk about. Because I’m obviously not going to apologize to you—since I did nothing wrong.”
His hands slid into the pockets of his jeans. “I want to talk inside.”
“I said that’s only going to happen if—”
He yanked the door open and helped himself inside, forcing me back with his size. He pushed the door shut and stepped farther into the room, making me move back because there was nowhere else for me to go. “Yes, I was an asshole. I didn’t handle that situation well, and I said some stupid stuff. What I want more than anything is just to forget about it and move on.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, my hair and makeup done because I’d been expecting him to drop by unannounced at some point. “You expect me to drop it without an apology or explanation?”
“I am sorry.” He looked me in the eye as he said it, like he wasn’t just saying what I wanted to hear. “I was a dick to you when I shouldn’t have been. I don’t have a good justification for acting that way, so I’m not going to bother. But I want a pass. Can we just forget about it and move on? I’m here because I miss you. I’m here because it’s been days since I’ve had you and I want amazing make-up sex. I’m here because I want to sleep beside you and forget this nightmare ever happened.”
So, he wasn’t going to dump me. That was a relief. “Why don’t you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”
He broke eye contact. “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s pretty simple.”
“But what could I have done to make you so angry?”
He bowed his head and sighed. “I said I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s forget about it.”
“But what if it makes you upset again?”
He lifted his head, lost for an answer.
“Tell me, Finn. We can’t move on from this unless we talk about it. If I’m doing something that’s bothering you, you can tell me. I’ll stop. Am I overstaying my welcome at your place? Is my hair stuff hogging up your bathroom? Does it really bother you when I buy Soldier treats?”
“No. You aren’t doing anything wrong.”
“Then what made you flip out like that?” Now I was drawing a blank, having no idea what would make Finn lie to me and push me away. “You told me you had to work early, but Colton told me that was incorrect. Did you lie to me?”
He closed his eyes for a moment, as if he was embarrassed.
“If you feel like you need to lie to me, then there’s something wrong.”
“I just wanted space.”
“Why? We were happy days ago, and now you’ve pulled this stunt.” His necklace was still around my neck because I never took it off. Even when he pissed me off and I hung up on him, I still didn’t take it off.
He kept his mouth shut, refusing to give me an answer.
“Finn, you’re scaring me. Everything seemed fine to me until recently. If you’re unhappy, I want to know about it.”
He took a step back and pulled his hands out of his pockets. “Just let this go, baby. Please.”
“I can’t.”
He watched me for a long time, his eyes filled with unease. “Fine.”
I waited for the explanation that would explain all of this strange behavior.
“When I talked to Colton, he told me that you said…you were in love with me.”
Once the truth was out in the open, I suddenly felt embarrassed. I didn’t think Colton would be stupid enough to tell Finn that, and now my cheeks were reddening in shame and there was nowhere for me to hide. We’d only been dating for a couple months, and that was way too soon to drop a bomb like that…especially on someone like him. Now it all made sense. Colton spooked him, and now he was so uncomfortable, he didn’t know what to do.
“Is that true?”
He obviously didn’t feel the same way, so I wanted to lie and pretend it never happened. I’d told Colton that in confidence, assuming he would take the secret to the grave. Why the hell would he tell Finn that revelation so nonchalantly? “Colton took that out of context.”
“He did?” His left eyebrow rose. “Because he seemed pretty confident about it.”
“I started crying when you left with Layla. I said a lot of things out there in the rain, and he must have misheard me.” I wished I could come up with a better explanation, but since I was put on the spot, I couldn’t think straight. My heart was beating too fast at the moment.
“So, you don’t feel that way?” he asked, being more direct and cutting Colton out of the conversation entirely.
I looked him in the eye and lied to his face. “No. Not yet, anyway.”
He tilted his head slightly, thinking about what I said. “When Colton told me that…it freaked me out. He started talking about marriage and us having kids together…”
I’m gonna kill him. Fucking kill him.
“He said our kids would be his nieces and nephews. It just…overwhelmed me. We haven’t talked about those sorts of things because I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t know where I’ll be in the next five years. I’ve been a nomad for my entire adult life. Settling down in one spot forever…terrifies me. I’m not scared of anything except that. The mundane, the ordinary.” He cupped his face and dragged his palms toward his neck. “It freaked me out. I just needed some space from you.”
“Now it makes sense. Thanks for telling me.” I kept a diplomatic attitude, but inside, I was a bit heartbroken. I knew Finn didn’t want any of those things, at least not right now, but hearing him respond to my love so negatively hurt anyway. “Colton might have the wrong idea about our relationship. He saw me wearing your necklace, and I think he assumed that meant you loved me.” That was a reasonable explanation, so I clung to it like a life preserver.
Finn watched me for a long time, his blue eyes filled with a universe of emotions. “I do love you…”
I heard the words so clearly, but I struggled to put stock in their credibility. He was so distressed by the thought of my love that it chased him away, so how could he possibly say those words to me? I stared at him for several heartbeats, examining the heartfelt expression in his eyes for validation. “What…?”
“That’s why I’m confused. Everything has happened so fast, and I’m not ready for it. I was fine when it was just us living in the moment, but picturing our future kids and shit just made me angry. I know that’s what love leads to. And now that I’m in love…I’m scared that my future is set in stone. I don’t want those things, but I also don’t want to lose you either.”
Everything else seemed irrelevant in comparison to those three little words. Maybe he didn’t believe my lie about not being in love with him, or maybe it didn’t matter to him if I loved him or not. “I’m sorry Colton upset you with that conversation. I’m not looking for a proposal or a family right now. I’ve barely been divorced for a year. We have all the
time in the world to live in the moment. We can worry about that stuff later.”
His shoulders relaxed slightly. “I’m just not sure if I’m ever going to want those things. I can’t picture myself being a father. And I know you need to have a family…”
“I do want a family, Finn. I’m not going to lie about what I want in life. I want to go to sleep with the same man for the rest of my life. I want to have children with him, have grandchildren. I want to be in love even when I’m seventy. But we don’t need to talk about that stuff right now. I’m sorry Colton provoked you into this conversation you weren’t ready to have.”
His hands moved to his hips. “I’m sorry I acted like an asshole.”
“It’s okay. Next time, just talk to me. I’m pretty understanding.”
“Yeah…I realize that now.” He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “Any time love is mentioned, it’s always the catalyst for proposals and kids. But could we just be two people who really care about each other? That’s it?” He pulled his head back and looked at me, showing a vulnerable side he never let the world see.
Now I wished I’d been honest when he’d asked me about my feelings. I’d lied when I shouldn’t have, and now I had to admit my wrongdoing. “I lied before…I do love you.” My eyes lowered and broke contact because I was ashamed of my embarrassment. I should have just told the truth without caring about the repercussions.
His fingers moved under my chin, and he lifted my face. “You do?”
I looked into his blue eyes and felt weak everywhere. “Yes…”
“Why didn’t you tell me that before?”
“I assumed you didn’t feel the same way.”
“You should never assume with me. You think I would have given you the most valuable thing in my possession if I weren’t an idiot in love? You think I would have risked my relationship with my brother to be with you if you weren’t the woman of my dreams? You think I’d be monogamous with a woman I wasn’t even sleeping with if my heart didn’t belong to her? Baby, I’ve loved you since the moment I kissed you. And I’ve only loved you more since.”