by Valia Lind
"You never asked," I begin, looking at Brendan, "after we escaped, you never asked what I remembered or about the light and the power."
"I figured you'd tell me when you were ready."
Such quiet faith in me, that it brings tears to my eyes. I blink them away, focusing on the task at a hand.
"You know I still don't have the full extent of my memories," I say and the boys nod, "but I do know what I did with the orb. I...I placed it inside with my heart."
My declaration is met with stunned silence and I know it's a calm before the storm. I’m spinning the truth, because I cannot tell them I’ve replaced my heart. There are too many repercussions with that, but wording it this way, it may buy me some time. Even so, I remember enough about my heritage to know what this type of a ritual may mean to Brendan and Maxwell. What they may very well suspect about me now.
"Cali," Maxwell begins, pausing to clear his throat, "this...the ritual to do something like that, it hasn't been done in thousands of years."
"I know. I had reason for doing this, I'm sure. I just don't know what it is," I'm lying and I wonder if that's all that I am now. A liar.
But if I can protect them from the truth a little longer, if I can protect myself from losing them, I will do what it takes.
"So the orb is inside you?" Brendan finally speaks up. I meet his concerned gaze and it tugs at my insides.
"Yes."
"And your heart?" It’s like he knows I’m not saying everything, but there is no way his mind goes to the darkness and the possibility of my heart no longer beating in my chest. There’s only ever been one person with that particular trait and it’s not one we speak of often. I’m hoping that helps with buying time.
"It’s fine. It’s healthy.”
I almost tell him the rest, but technically, I’m not lying when I say those words. It is fine and healthy, it’s just hidden away in a place of unknown coordinates. But I can't. I know I can't because if we were ever captured, if he was ever compromised, he's safer not knowing. They can't extract information he doesn't have.
"Is that where the power comes from?" Maxwell asks now, tearing my attention away from Brendan and his sad eyes. I can't imagine what's going on in there, but it breaks me all the same.
"My own majyk and the majyk of the orb are one inside of me. It's why I am the way that I am. It's why my majyk is...different."
How careful am I with my words? Brendan hasn't taken his eyes off me and I can feel their weight like a physical touch. He's trying to piece it together, I can tell without even looking, and I become even more careful with my words.
"It must empower me somehow, mess with the natural order of my majyk."
"How do you explain this?" Brendan asks, sweeping his hand around the room. He unbeknownst has given me a gift with bringing up the orb and now, I'm prepared for this question as well.
"Baba Yaga seems to want Glava out of Shadowlands rule." I state, and both of the guys take a step toward me, bewilderment warring between concern on their faces.
"How do you know?"
"She left a message." I relax my shoulders, slouching just enough to show without words that there's no danger here. I need them to see that I trust what's going on here and to follow my lead. "The house has been drawn to us. She must've enchanted it to find us."
"Why would she do such a thing? She's evil. That's just who she is. She's not about to change to help us."
It takes much of my willpower not to react at Maxwell's words. I know he's talking about Baba Yaga, but he could be talking about me. After all, isn't my whole existence predestined for me by some old story? I've never believed in such things before I found out the truth about myself. I almost wish I was one of the chosen, one of the ones who are meant to save, not destroy. Because at the end of the day, isn't that all I'm good for? Both Brendan and Maxwell will be destroyed the moment they know the truth. Their world, like mine, will be shattered.
"The message said that the house will protect us. It'll be faster traveling inside of it."
"You trust her?" This comes from Brendan, and he's still watching me in that way that makes me feel completely exposed in front of him.
"I do," I find myself saying, meeting his eye maybe for the first time since he came in here. There's so much worry there, but also complete trust in me. I can't let him down. I can't.
"I think that she wants to be her own person," I reply, softly. "Being a prisoner is the farthest thing from being in control of one's own destiny. If we can help free her from that, she'll help us."
"That's good enough for me," Maxwell announces, then moves away, giving Brendan and me an illusion of privacy.
"If you're sure about this," he begins, but I don't let him finish. I cross the space between us, placing a hand on his chest. I don’t typically initiate contact between us and in the last two days, I’ve reached out more than I should have. And this moment, this simple touch is too intimate, too loaded.
"It feels right, Brendan," I whisper, my eyes on the spot where my skin meets his shirt. "You told me yourself to trust my instincts."
"Now you listen to me." There's a smile in his voice, but I can't tear my eyes away from his chest. Being this close, breathing him in, my body awakens in ways it is not allowed. When I go to bite my lip, I feel his sharp inhale and my eyes fly up to meet his. There's fire there, and my own body feels aflame. Words are lost somewhere in the before or in the after. All I know is that I want to close this tiny space and feel his skin against mine. My body moves just a fraction closer, but when it does, the house shakes and we're torn apart.
Instantly on alert, I regain my balance, focusing my breathing, and glance at Maxwell. He's at the window, staring out into the forest outside. I know what he's going to say, even before he says it.
"We've got company."
"You don‘t think she trapped us in here for them, do you?" Maxwell throws over his shoulder, as Brendan and I move to the window as well. I can’t blame him for being skeptical, because I’m wondering if my instincts are wrong and I’ve led us into a trap. But at the same time, I push that away, because this doesn’t seem the right place to second guess. I’m trusting my initial assessment.
"No, I think they were too close behind us not to take this as an opportunity for attack. They think she's on their side." I reply.
"You're sure she's not?" Maxwell asks, turning to face me. Brendan stays quiet at my shoulder, and I meet Maxwell head on.
"I'm sure." And I realize I might have to reassure them of this often. They’re trying to open to the possibilities, but I see things from a different perspective and it’s still difficult for me.
"Okay," Maxwell nods, turning back to the window, his hand already wrapped around the sword he pulled out of his mesto. "Shall we?"
I grin, the thrill of the anticipation of the fight rushing over my skin. My own arm reaches out, bringing the sword from the majykal storage place we all learn to equip ourselves with. Brendan is reaching for the door, his sword gleaming in the low light, his own lips curled up in a small smile. He's just as ready as I am. But even though the handle reappeared, when he yanks at the door, it stays closed.
"What?"
I look around, as the boys turn their imploring eyes to me. Thinking back to earlier, I realize it shut on purpose.
"I think the house is protecting us."
"That's great and all, but we have to get out there and fight. We can't stay in here like sitting ducks." Brendan says. They're all waiting to me. They're waiting on Znaniei. I don't hesitate.
"Let us out." And the door swings open.
The boys and I jump out, one after the other, surprising the creatures into stupor. Even with the few seconds it takes them to realize we are not being held captive inside the hut, we're already moving. I slice my sword against the closest monster, taking his head clean off. The blood sprays all around me, as I spin toward the next attacker. But he's already recovered and his own sword clashes against mine. I enjoy this a lo
t more than the clean kill of a moment ago. The power within me rises up to the challenge, fueling my body from head to toe.
I hear the sound of fighting behind me, trusting that Brendan and Maxwell are holding their own and I focus on the movement of my own self against my attackers. They're not taking turns. Three come at me at once, and I spin into a fall, rolling out of the way and coming up on the other side of the circle. My weapon is sure as it makes contact with the back of the first creature, and he falls into the one coming at me, taking him down.
I don't waste the opportunity to rush over and stab both of them through the heart. The third creature is already moving and when his sword comes down against me, I don't move out of the way fast enough. Stumbling, my sword still inside the two creatures, I roll to the left of his large weapon. He swings a little too hard, falling with the movement, as I jump up. Slamming my foot into his arm, he drops his sword, bellowing in anger more so than pain.
There is no hesitation as I launch my whole body at him, wrapping my legs around his stomach, my hands around his head. He tries to shake me off, but I've got a death grip on him. The strength from years of training, coupled with my majyk, snaps his neck like a twig. We stumble to the ground together, and I manage to jump off him before he crushes me with his dead weight. I race to where I dropped my weapon, picking it up on the run.
Maxwell shouts a warning and I jump back just as another two creatures come around the house. It takes me a second to realize they were waiting at the front, just in case the hut decided to take off. Sword clinging against sword, I twist and turn, keeping my feet planted as best as possible in the dirt. A noise catches my attention and I turn my head in time to see Brendan take a hit. My own concentration breaks and a fist comes at me before I can block it. The wind is knocked out of my lungs as I fly back, slamming into a tree.
My vision blurs, as I try to regain my footing. As if in slow motion, I can see the boys fighting, blood and sweat mixing together as they swing their weapons. The creature that got the best of me is walking towards me, watching me with glee. When I try to get to my feet, it's as if I'm wading through water. Instead of standing, I stumble to all fours, my hands landing on the damp ground. Instantaneously, the grass reaches for me. There isn’t much of it in this forsaken land, but the little there is, it’s searching for me and then it finds me. The moment the fresh plant touches my skin the majyk inside me flares up like a flame. The fog is pushed away, stolen away by a blast of wind in my mind. It's as if I've forgotten the power inside of me. Now that I have the reminder, the majyk awakens.
I dig my fingers into the soil, reaching for the power living inside Skazka, still there even in this broken section of the land. The majyk doesn't hesitate. It electrifies every part of me, pouring out of my body like light. I scream, the raw intensity blinding me. Before I can think too much of what I'm doing, it's gone. It leaves me exhausted and the last thing I know is Brendan rushing to me, his arms reaching for me, then everything goes black.
The crowd begins a careful cheer,
Until a whir of wings they hear
And see a bird with lance-like beak,
A golden bird, with feathers sleek,
Dive at the Tsar, piercing his head.
Dadon groans once, falls, and is dead.
Where's she who was to be his queen?
Vanished, as though she'd never been.
The story's false; but in it lies
Some truth, seen but by inward eyes.
- Pushkin, The Golden Cockerel
7
I wake up slowly and then all at once. I've come to know this feeling all too well. It's as if I'm aware, before I become aware. The first thing I notice when I open my eyes is the darkness. Instantly, I know we're inside the hut again.
"Hey, there you are," Maxwell's face comes into view as he leans over me. I turn my head and find him settling back in a chair beside me. There's a fireplace behind him and it's the source of the shadows that play across the wooden walls. The place feels heavy, and I'm not sure if it's the darkness outside or within me.
"How long have I been out?" I ask, my voice a little raspy and I clear it as I sit up. That's when I notice Brendan is nowhere to be seen. Maxwell has no problem reading my mind.
"He went out to get some more wood. You've been out for about five hours. The hut wouldn't let us take you outside." At that, I bring my focus back to him.
"What do you mean?"
"It wouldn't unlock the door until you were resting in here. It swallowed us in as soon as you passed out. We didn't have a moment's notice. We were just suddenly in here and moving. The house got us a good few miles from the scene of the battle and then stopped. It only let Brendan out once he stopped trying to take you outside."
"He wanted me near the plants." It's a statement, but Maxwell answers anyway.
"Yes. The majyk took too much out of you. I've never seen anything like it. It's as if you lit up from inside out. You were completely transformed into the light and then it was gone in a blink."
I can tell he has a million questions, but I'm afraid I have no answers for him. Or for myself. This thing inside me, this relic mixed with the majyk of the prophecy, I don't know what part of me uses which. One time, it energizes me into the most powerful creature and the next, it drains me of all power. I can't exactly ask Maxwell about it. He only has part of the information.
"Cali," Maxwell's voice brings me back to the here and now. Looking at him, I find concern etched into his features and I hate that I keep putting it there.
"What is it?" I ask, even though I'm afraid of whatever he has to say.
"I..." he visibly swallows, before leaning forward and focusing his intense gaze on me, "I've known you for a long time. I know you don't have all of your memories, but you know we've grown up together. I have seen the kind of a person you are and the kind of majyk you yield. I also know there are things you are keeping from me. And from Brendan." I almost pull back at that, but I keep my expression neutral. "You don't have to be afraid to tell us. We'll stand by you, no matter what. You have to know that."
With that, I can't help but look away. I glance down at my hands, wondering how I will every have the courage to tell them exactly who I am. The fear that they will abandon me is so great that sometimes it's hard to breathe. But I also know I can't keep lying to them, because it will push them away all the same.
"Maxwell," I begin, looking back up into his face, "It's not that I don't want to tell you. It's that there are parts that I have to figure out for myself."
"You don't trust us." Brendan's voice comes from the doorway and I turn to find him standing there. I didn't even realize he returned, but maybe Maxwell had. But I won't be manipulated into a corner. They may gang up on me all they want, but I am still me and I will never allow others to influence my choices again.
I stand, turning to face both of the men at the same time.
"I am asking you to trust me in the way you have asked me to trust you. Even before I had my memory. You," I point at Brendan, "you pulled me away from my life without a concrete explanation, but I trusted the instincts inside of me and I trusted you. The same goes for you Maxwell. I allowed your majyk into my mind, and I asked only for you to trust me in return."
"You have also asked me not to keep things from you," Brendan says, stepping closer to where I'm standing. I can see the fire in his eyes, mixed with concern and another emotion I refuse to name.
"And yet, you have. In order to keep me safe. Know, that whatever I may or may not be keeping from you, it is for your own safety."
"Just like that?"
"Yes, just like that. I am still your commanding officer and there are pieces of information you are not privy to."
I think I've won, until Brendan is right in front of me, all the emotions written plainly on his handsome face.
"I don't believe that!"
"It doesn't matter what you believe." I fight to remain calm, but my own body is answering to the i
ntensity in his. I could lose myself in him if I’m allowed even a fraction of a leeway.
"Cal, you lit up like a nuclear bomb, obliterating those monsters in a fraction of a second. Whatever I may have seen before, this power is so much more than the relic. It's coming from you. I felt it. And I felt something else."
At that, my eyes snap up to his.
"I'm not sure what it is, but it's more powerful than anything I've ever felt. Tell me that I'm wrong. Tell me that you're not keeping some huge secret from us...from me."
We’re in the middle of this conversation again because the half-truths I tell them are only good for seconds. The secrets I’m keeping make up hours. Every time they see a glimpse of my majyk, the doubts rush back. And every time, I’m so close to breaking.
I almost tell him. I almost tell him everything. But before I can speak, the house begins to shake, sending me right into his arms.
"What is going on?" I shout, tumbling right on top of Brendan. His arms are secure around my middle, keeping me pinned on top of him and I would be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying myself a little too much. Staring down at his face, I see the same desire that's pooling at the bottom of my stomach mirrored there. The house shakes again, and my own resolve returns. Pushing off Brendan, I try to stand but he won't let me go.
"Brendan, now is not the time," I hiss, even as my own body betrays me.
"I think it should always be the time."
At first, I don't think I hear him right. His words are too real, too intimate. We agreed to never go down this road. He agreed.
"Brendan..." but he let's me go before I can finish that thought. The house is still shaking and I glance back to find Maxwell on the opposite side of the room, plastered to the wall. He looks comical, holding on for dear life, and I'd laugh if I wasn't still reacting to both Brendan and the house.