Nathan sat down next to me. I wanted him to hold me in his muscular arms, I craved the comfort that would bring, but my husband clasped his fingers behind his head and looked into the middle distance. Then he crossed the room and looked out of the window that faced the street. ‘Alfie’s full of shit. As if I’m going to let him take my son over a stupid debt.’
The perfect opportunity to come clean had just presented itself to me. Nathan deserved to know the truth, but I couldn’t seem to find the right words, so I kept quiet. I didn’t want him to know the real reason Alfie was threatening to take Luca away. As time had gone by, the deception had increased in size, and now it had grown out of all proportion. I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. It was too heavy for me to bear, and I felt myself collapsing under the strain.
‘Don’t look so worried. Nothing’s going to happen to Luca.’
I hoped Nathan was right, but I knew he was as concerned as I was. He had always been an expert at hiding his feelings and could maintain an untroubled demeanour in the most stressful situation, but at this moment in time, his haunted expression gave away what he was thinking.
I was on borrowed time, and could only protect Luca from Alfie for so long. I didn’t share my husband’s optimism, but I admired his ability to remain positive in a hopeless situation. I sometimes wished I could fast-forward my life and see into the future, but I was scared of what might be waiting for me.
Nathan took hold of my hand and led me out of the living room and up the stairs. ‘Let’s get some sleep. Everything will look better in the morning.’
I wish I had my husband’s confidence that things would turn out OK, but my mind was in turmoil.
60
Alfie
At one point, I had considered giving up on the idea of having a future with Gemma and Luca. It was proving almost impossible to come between her and Nathan, and despite my best efforts, he was still on the scene. I’d tried everything I could to convince her that she’d be better off without Nathan in her life. Although the man was a leech, she wouldn’t consider leaving him, and I wasn’t about to let another man bring up my child. So we were at a stalemate.
I’d spent an eternity trying to win Gemma over, and my patience had finally worn out. Gemma wasn’t playing ball, so I’d had no option but to back her into a corner. I’d given her plenty of time to do the right thing. It wasn’t fair on Nathan or on me that she was withholding the truth. Much as I couldn’t stand the guy, I felt a bit sorry for him. He was bringing up a child thinking it was his son, and the longer Gemma deceived him, the worse it was going to be.
Gemma’s unswerving loyalty to her husband was causing me problems, and I was having to fight the urge to take Nathan out of the equation. It would be easy to put a bullet in his head, but that would be too obvious, and Gemma would never forgive me. I’d have to try and divert her attention away from him, but it was hard to get through to her. Being in competition with him left a bad taste in my mouth. Nathan wasn’t good enough for her; it was about time she realised that.
For Gemma and I to move forward, I’d have to make her break up with her husband. But the decision to leave had to be hers. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have a future. She would always hold it against me if I intervened. Once Nathan knew the secret she’d been keeping, with any luck, we wouldn’t see him for dust. He had pre-existing trust issues, and Gemma wasn’t concealing a small lie. She was covering up a huge betrayal. Logic told me it would be very hard for them to stay together after she came clean.
When their relationship crumbled, Gemma would need a shoulder to cry on, and I would be waiting in the wings. I’d be more than happy to take Nathan’s place. Biding my time was proving to be the hardest part of this process. One of the most important things in life my dad taught me was to be patient. If I could master that skill, rewards would follow.
Now it was time to force her hand. If I let Gemma walk away from me, I’d have to admit defeat, and that wasn’t something that sat easy with me. Gemma needed to understand the message loud and clear: Luca was my son, and whether she liked it or not, I was going to be part of the child’s life. There was no way I was going to stand back and let another man raise my son. So I had no choice but to play my trump card. Once Nathan knew the truth about Luca, he’d wash his hands of his deceitful wife and the problem would be solved.
61
Gemma
Although Alfie was insistent that he was Luca’s father, I had never confirmed it. I hoped I’d delivered the denial convincingly enough that he would let the matter drop, and because we’d used a condom, I’d thought Alfie wouldn’t realise he’d made me pregnant.
I’d always been frightened that the truth would come out if any of Alfie’s family saw Luca. He didn’t look a bit like me. He was a Watson through and through. Something told me, the older my son got, the more he would resemble his father and grandfather. The similarity between Jethro and Alfie was striking.
I never intended to tell my secret. Originally, I’d kept the result of the scan to myself because I was scared of what my husband would say. I’d been selfish because I didn’t want to raise a child on my own, and I loved Nathan more than anything so I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. Deciding to keep the father’s identity under wraps and hoping that the truth never came out was a big mistake.
Alfie was tightening the thumbscrews, and the stress I was under was causing arguments between Nathan and I. The pressure of living with this lie had driven a wedge between us and for the first time in ages we were at each other’s throats. I didn’t want to live like this; it wasn’t healthy for Luca to grow up in an environment where his mum and dad were constantly arguing. It would be better for a child to grow up with one loving parent than a mum and dad who were fighting.
Alfie was going to make sure the whole world knew that Luca was his son and heir to the Watson dynasty. My biggest worry was that Alfie might insist on a DNA test to prove paternity. I couldn’t let that happen. It would have a catastrophic effect on Nathan’s and my future. Once paternity was established, it would confirm Alfie’s suspicion. Luca was a Watson. There was no way to get around that. Then I would have to face a greater fear: Alfie would have rights, and he would be determined to enforce them.
Running away seemed like the only option I had. I needed to think things through. I didn’t want to make a spur-of-the-moment decision, but I couldn’t bear to be part of this circus. If I was going to end up a single mother anyway, instead of waiting for Nathan to leave me, maybe I should take Luca and go somewhere far away from everyone. Then I could raise my child without Alfie’s interference, but where would I go? I’d need to think this through carefully. There was only going to be one chance to get this right. I’d have to try and formulate a plan, but time was running out, and I couldn’t think straight.
Since Luca was born, I hadn’t found things easy to cope with, and I’d had many moments where I felt close to the edge. I needed to dig deep and channel my inner strength if I was going to get out of the mess I’d created. There was nothing I could do to alter what had happened, so there was no point in dwelling on that. I couldn’t change the past, but I was determined to be in control of my future. Even though I didn’t want to be a single mother, I mustn’t doubt my ability to raise my son alone. I could do it, and I would do it.
The last thing I wanted to do was leave Nathan, but I had no choice. Alfie had taken that away from me. I would never be able to explain my reasons for keeping the secret. The right words didn’t exist to justify my actions. The thought of looking my husband in the eye and telling him that I’d lied to him was too painful to contemplate. I wished I could turn back the clock, but I couldn’t, and life was too precious to be living with regrets. I owed it to Luca to make the best of this terrible situation.
62
Alfie
What I wanted more than anything was for Gemma, Luca and I to be a proper family. Because of my mum and dad’s dysfunctional marriage, I felt li
ke I’d missed out on a normal childhood. Money couldn’t replace the simple things in life. We’d never had family trips to the park or the zoo like other kids. We didn’t even sit around the table and eat dinner together. Dad was always out working or making himself scarce, but I was inseparable from my mum and two sisters, Dani and Sam.
When we were young, if Dad took the three of us out anywhere, Mum never came with us. She would have loved to, but she was never invited. Dad used to say it was to give her a break from us, but that was bullshit, and we knew it. He couldn’t be in the same room as my mum without taking a verbal swipe at her over something or nothing. In my dad’s eyes, she couldn’t do anything right; from the clothes she wore to the way she made his tea, Dad found fault with everything. The worst thing about it was she never stopped trying to please him.
I hated the way Dad treated Mum, and for a long time, it poisoned our relationship, especially when she died so suddenly. I held her hand as she lay on the trolley in the ambulance, gravely ill. Mum kept asking for my dad, but we both knew he wouldn’t come. I’d never forgiven him for that.
I would never get over losing my mum. I adored her; all three of us did. She would have been over the moon to know I had a son. Out of respect for her, I wanted to do the right thing and help raise my child and be the kind of father my dad never was. Mum would be proud that I’d broken the mould.
I loved Gemma, but she was determined to torture me. It was like a thorn in my side having to watch her and Nathan playing happy families from a distance, especially after my son was born. What a shame the love they had for each other was going to come to an end. It was a tragedy. My heart bled for them. If you believe that, you’d believe anything.
Gemma had another thing coming if she thought she could cut me out of my son’s life. She was playing a game, but she wasn’t going to win. Gemma should know from experience that I always got what I wanted in the end. Nothing would stand in my way.
I knew my name didn’t appear on Luca’s birth certificate, so I wouldn’t automatically have parental responsibility even though I was the boy’s father. Trust was one of the most important things in a relationship, and Gemma hadn’t just broken Nathan’s, she’d smashed it to pieces. If, by some miracle, they ended up staying together after the truth came out, I’d fight Gemma for full custody. I didn’t want Nathan to be a part of my son’s life. Not now, or ever.
63
Gemma
My deception had come back to haunt me, and it had finally caught up with me. I had to face the agonising dilemma of whether to tell Nathan or not. Even though I knew I had to come clean, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I kept finding reasons to put off the inevitable. Nathan deserved to know the truth so that he could make his own choice. But the truth was so awful, it made me want to continue with the lie.
Nathan didn’t deserve any of this. He had always been my anchor. The rock I clung to when times got tough. He was the most loyal man you could ever meet. That was one of the reasons I couldn’t picture my life without him. If I hadn’t betrayed my husband, I wouldn’t be in this terrible mess. But this wasn’t the right time for a pity party; I had nobody to blame but myself. The sooner I told Nathan the truth, the better. I couldn’t let Alfie be the one to deliver the news I knew would destroy him. I was fully aware that once something was said, it could never be taken back. With that thought still in my head, a text message came through from Alfie. It was as if he’d just read my mind.
Time is running out, Gemma. Tick tock…
My strength had deserted me at a time when I needed it the most. I’d have to pluck up the courage to talk to my husband before Alfie did it for me. As I played over the scene in my mind, my anxiety levels went through the roof. All of a sudden, I felt introverted and riddled with self-doubt. I used to be self-assured, and now I was an insecure mess, worrying about how the situation would pan out. I had to find my confidence and pull myself together.
I should have realised Alfie wouldn’t keep his word and give me forty-eight hours. He was going to torment me until he got his own way. I suddenly felt like I wasn’t in control of my destiny. I never wanted Nathan to find out he wasn’t Luca’s father. I loved my husband so much. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him.
Carrying this incredible burden of guilt was like a weight around my neck. Knowing I was about to ruin my husband’s life was difficult to come to terms with. Nathan had been reluctant to start a family because he hadn’t had a role model, and he was scared he’d fail at the task. Nathan had been worried about nothing; he was a wonderful dad, which made this all the harder. If Alfie got his way, he would take the opportunity away from him. But there was more to fatherhood than being a sperm donor.
Do you think Nathan’s going to stay with you when he finds out the truth?
Nathan loved Luca and I unconditionally, but I could sense our future wasn’t going to have a happy ending. Much as I hated to admit it, Alfie was right. Once Nathan realised that Luca wasn’t his son, he would leave me for sure. Discovering a cuckoo in the nest was the ultimate way to destroy a man’s pride. I’d unintentionally publicly humiliated him, and I hated myself for that. I’d let him believe that Luca was his son when I’d known all along that wasn’t possible. I should have been honest about my pregnancy the moment I found out that Alfie was my baby’s father. Then Nathan would have known the facts, no matter how unpleasant they were, and he could have made his own decision. It was unfair of me to have tricked him into believing a lie. Nathan never suspected a thing. It served me right that now I was trapped in a snare of my own making.
My infidelity had become a festering wound at the centre of our relationship. No matter how hard we tried to put it behind us, it kept resurfacing. Alfie was about to tear the wound wide open again, and this time I wasn’t sure we’d be able to salvage what was left of our marriage. Nathan and I were destined for a lifetime of emotional pain. It was heart-breaking because everything was going so well between us until Alfie made a reappearance.
Although my aim had been to protect Nathan, nothing could justify what I’d done. I’d held on to the mistaken belief that nobody would find out about my deception, but now the shit was about to hit the fan. The revelation would floor Nathan, and I knew Alfie wouldn’t be a gracious victor. He would rub Nathan’s nose in it every chance he got.
I sat alone on the sofa while my baby slept in his basket, contemplating my next move. I knew if I stayed, none of us would ever be free of Alfie. He would always be hovering in the background, making his presence felt waiting for the opportunity to take Luca away from me. He was never going to sit back and allow Nathan to bring up his son.
Alfie had planted the thought in my head, and now my mind was happy to do the rest. My imagination went into overdrive as his words swam around in my head. Alfie knew his text would hit me hard. He’d wanted to hurt me and knew how to get under my skin. Stirring the pot came naturally to him. I didn’t seem to have any control over this situation. I stupidly hadn’t realised the decision I’d made in the act of self-preservation would have such a destructive and harmful outcome. The thought of that made panic begin to rise within me.
The last thing I wanted to do was leave Nathan, but I had no choice. Alfie had taken that away from me. I would never be able to explain my reasons for keeping the secret. The right words didn’t exist to justify my actions. The thought of looking my husband in the eye and telling him that I’d lied to him was too painful to contemplate. I wished I could turn back the clock, but I couldn’t, and life was too precious to be living with regrets. I owed it to Luca to make the best of this terrible situation.
Running away seemed like the only option I had. I didn’t want to make a spur-of-the-moment decision, but I couldn’t bear to be part of this circus. If I was going to end up a single mother anyway, instead of waiting for Nathan to leave me, maybe I should take Luca and go somewhere far away from everyone. Then I could raise my child without Alfie’s interference, but where would I go? I�
��d need to think this through carefully. There was only going to be one chance to get this right. I’d have to try and formulate a plan, but time was running out, and I couldn’t think straight.
Little did Alfie know, his latest text had just helped me make up my mind. If Nathan was going to leave me anyway, what was the point of me staying? I would leave in the middle of the night while everybody was asleep and take Luca with me. I knew that was the coward’s way out, but I couldn’t face the alternative.
Don’t worry, Gemma, you won’t have to raise my son on your own. I’ll be happy to take you off Nathan’s hands.
Being skilled at manipulating a situation, Alfie wasted no time offering me a solution to my problem. He was intentionally exploiting my vulnerability. I decided not to reply to his text. I’d let him think I was considering his proposition, when in fact, I was trying to work out how to get away from him. At least it would buy me some time.
Over the years, I’d had my fair share of crap to deal with, just like anyone else. But sometimes, I couldn’t help feeling that life was more unkind to some people than it was to others. When I’d come face to face with Jethro in the street that day, fate dealt me a cruel blow. The Watsons were back in our lives, whether we liked it or not. I couldn’t change that, but I could try and do something about it. Nobody was going to put my baby in danger.
This wasn’t the right environment to raise a child in. Luca’s needs had to come first. He was the real victim in this situation. I could see where Rosa was coming from when she cut Gareth out of Nathan’s life. She didn’t want her son to be influenced by the bad example he’d set. I felt the same way. I didn’t want Alfie to be part of my son’s upbringing. Since I’d become a mother, it had changed my attitude and outlook on life.
Tangled Lives Page 18