Luca wasn’t my biological son, but I’d been the only father he’d ever known and now, thanks to my wife’s deception, I had lost my child. No parent should ever have to experience the pain that caused. I couldn’t even begin to describe the devastation I was feeling. It was the ultimate tragedy. The gaping hole Luca’s presence would leave behind would be impossible to fill. I felt like I’d suffered a bereavement.
Gemma had robbed me of my parenting role, and that left me feeling numb and disconnected. I couldn’t just switch off my emotions. I loved Luca, and now I’d have to learn to live without him, but it would be torture. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.
I couldn’t believe Gemma had hidden this from me. I felt like I didn’t know her at all. How could she have maintained the lie for so long? My wife clearly didn’t have a conscience. If Alfie hadn’t forced her hand, I wondered whether she would have ever told me the truth. In the blink of an eye, Gemma had destroyed the trust we’d worked so hard to rebuild.
Suddenly, without warning, Gemma had turned my life upside down, and her selfish actions had destroyed my whole world. I asked myself if our relationship was worth trying to salvage. Now that I knew the truth, I didn’t think there was any way we could work things out. I would never be able to trust my wife again, so I wasn’t sure I wanted her to be in my life any more.
Gemma’s confession had left me with a wound so raw, I wasn’t sure it would ever be able to heal. I couldn’t help thinking there were some things you were better off not knowing. I wished Gemma’s secret had stayed under wraps and spared me the pain of this unbearable heartache.
85
Alfie
Nathan’s suffering gave me great satisfaction. His face was a picture when Gemma broke the news to him. What heightened my enjoyment of the situation even more, was that at the start of their conversation, he’d thought he had the upper hand. He’d had no idea his wife was keeping such an enormous secret from him, so the pleasure had been all mine when she floored him with the news. Gemma hadn’t tried to sugar-coat it; she’d dropped a bomb and delivered the facts in her usual no-nonsense manner.
Although it had been a long time coming, it had been worth the wait. Seeing the devastation on Nathan’s face had made my day. Gemma’s betrayal had hit him every bit as hard as I knew it would. Stage one of the demise of their marriage was complete, which left the door wide open for me. Now I had Gemma right where I wanted her. She could live with me in the lap of luxury or struggle on her own as a single parent. Staying with Nathan was not going to be an option for her, and the sooner she accepted that, the better it would be for all of us. When I’d fathered her child, it had been the kiss of death for her marriage.
I’d been kept at arm’s length for long enough as Gemma confidently batted away my insistence that I was Luca’s father. She’d blatantly lied to me about his age in a desperate attempt to throw me off the trail. Gemma was stupid to think she could keep her secret without anybody finding out. I had to admit I’d enjoyed backing her into a corner. I was intrigued to see how far she’d be prepared to go to conceal the fact that I was Luca’s father. She didn’t disappoint me. Gemma would have taken this to the grave if I hadn’t forced her to come clean.
But now that the truth was out, I wanted to get to know my son. It was funny how things worked out. I’d never seen myself as a family man, but now that I’d been given the opportunity, I was determined to throw myself into the role one hundred per cent. It might be a good thing for Gemma to see the softer side of me. I did have one, but I didn’t show it to many people.
I wasn’t completely inexperienced with babies, I had nephews and nieces, which was unfortunate for Gemma, because I was able to pick my sisters’ brains about child development, and that definitely helped me catch her out.
86
Gemma
I’d made the decision to bring a child who wasn’t biologically my husband’s into the world without consulting him. In hindsight that wasn’t the smartest move I’d ever made. But I stood by my decision. Even though our relationship had been strong at the time, if Nathan had known I was carrying Alfie’s child, it would have destroyed him, and the last thing I’d wanted to do was hurt him.
It was naive of me to think I was going to get away with keeping Luca’s paternity to myself. That wasn’t fair on Nathan, Luca or Alfie. It was a selfish thing to do. They all had a right to know the truth. But the truth was so awful, I didn’t want to think about it. Life was cruel. This whole experience was emotionally draining.
All I could think about was whether our marriage would survive now that my secret was out in the open. Breaking up with Nathan would feel like the end of the world. If he left me, he would take my heart with him. The thought of losing him was terrifying. My decision to lie came from fear. I did it because I thought it would be easier to live with the consequences of the lie than face the pain of the truth. By concealing the facts, I’d hoped to minimise the damage and keep my husband’s pain at bay. This was the most difficult emotional trial I’d had to go through for some time, but that didn’t justify the way I’d handled it.
Nathan was the most loyal person you could meet, and I kept hoping he wouldn’t bail on me now that the shit had hit the fan. But there was only so much a man could take. I had wounded his pride at the deepest level and destroyed his masculinity by telling him that Luca wasn’t his son. When I’d delivered the news, I saw it suck the life out of him.
87
Nathan
I sat alone at the kitchen table with my fingers clasped around a mug of coffee, mulling over the drama of the night before. Gemma’s confession had come out of the blue. I couldn’t believe what she’d told me. My instinct was to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this had happened, but I knew that wasn’t an option.
Keeping a secret this size had caused the death of the dream, and now, not for the first time, our marriage was on its last legs. It was wrong of Gemma to let me believe Luca was my child. How could the woman who claimed to love me be so cruel? In order for a relationship to thrive, trust had to be present, and that was something that had to be earned. I should never have given her a second chance, but I was a glutton for punishment.
Looking back, I should have realised something didn’t add up. If I’d been given a pound every time somebody asked, ‘Who does he take after? Is he the milkman’s?’ when they saw the blond-haired blue-eyed baby, I’d be a very rich man. But I was so delighted in my new role that the penny didn’t drop, and we weren’t the only dark-haired parents in history to produce a fair-haired child, so I didn’t think anything of it. Gemma always glossed over the issue of our son’s colouring with some spiel she’d read in a book. She spoke with such confidence, so I didn’t suspect a thing. That was no doubt to cover up her guilty conscience.
My emotional stability was a distant memory. I didn’t know what to do for the best. My mind was all over the place. The bombshell Gemma had dropped had changed our lives forever. Now the truth was out in the open, I couldn’t ignore it. For once, I couldn’t brush the issue under the carpet. The problem needed to be dealt with.
88
Gemma
I put my phone down on the blue pearl counter, let out a slow breath and stared into space. I frowned as I struggled to work out the logic behind Nathan’s suggestion.
‘Why the long face?’ Alfie smiled.
‘It’s nothing.’
Alfie knew something was wrong, and he didn’t try to hide his enjoyment. He was like a pig in clover savouring every moment of my despair. The fact that my marriage was once again in trouble filled him with delight. ‘What did Nathan say?’
As I turned to face Alfie, I noticed Jethro watching me. He was observing our exchange from the sidelines, but it was a private matter, and I’d rather not be discussing it in front of an audience.
‘Come on, Gemma, don’t keep me in suspense. What’s the big secret?’ Alfie raised an eyebrow.
‘Nathan wants us to do a
DNA test.’
Alfie’s eyes blazed, and he slammed his fist down on the counter next to where I was sitting. The sound of the impact made me jump as Alfie’s mood suddenly shifted.
‘Calm down, Alfie,’ Jethro said when he realised his son had startled me. ‘Are you OK, Gemma?’
I could see Jethro’s concern was genuine as he looked deeply into my eyes. ‘Yes,’ I replied, nodding my head.
‘Who the fuck does he think he is demanding a DNA test? Nathan’s got bigger balls than I gave him credit for. Phone him back and tell him to get his ass over here right now. We’ve got things to discuss.’
Alfie balled his right hand into a fist and began punching his left palm with it as he paced backwards and forwards in front of the full-length windows.
I was surprised Nathan had asked for a DNA test too. There was no doubting Luca’s paternity. But knowing Nathan, he was probably in denial and didn’t want to accept what I’d told him. I didn’t know what he was hoping the test would prove. It wasn’t going to change anything, but maybe he needed to see the result in black and white to be able to accept it. In reality, he was putting off the inevitable.
Alfie returned to where I was sitting. He put his hand under my chin and tilted my face towards his. ‘I’m sorry I scared you.’ When he kissed the side of my cheek. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I recoiled from his touch. Alfie laughed. Then he turned away and spoke over his shoulder. ‘Thanks for the slap in the face. I should have known you wouldn’t let me down gently.’ Alfie paced across the kitchen floor and disappeared out of sight.
*
When Nathan and Gareth arrived, Alfie swaggered back into the room, and the scent of trouble wafted in behind him. Clutching a tumbler of Jack Daniel’s in his hand, he went to stand next to Jethro.
‘So I hear you want a DNA test?’
Nathan ignored Alfie’s question. ‘I want to speak to my wife in private,’ he replied.
‘This matter concerns all of us, so you either talk to Gemma here or not at all.’ Alfie glared at Nathan while he swirled his drink around in his glass.
We’d left Gareth’s house abruptly, so I hadn’t offered Nathan an explanation. Now that my husband was standing in front of me, it was time to find my voice. ‘I’m so sorry I kept the truth from you,’ I began, hoping my apology would pave the way to a peaceful resolution. ‘I should have been honest and come clean when I first…’
Nathan interrupted me before I’d finished my sentence. ‘How long have you known?’
‘Since I went for the dating scan.’ I looked down as I spoke, so the tears in my eyes wouldn’t be visible. I didn’t want this to turn into a pity party. Nathan was the one who’d been wronged, so I had no right to cry.
‘Naughty, naughty, Gemma, you realised ages ago the child was mine.’ Alfie’s face broke into a slow smile. ‘And to think you were so insistent that Nathan was Luca’s father when I confronted you about it.’
Nathan’s mouth fell open when he realised how long I’d been keeping the secret. He stood opposite me, staring blankly into space.
After listening to Alfie stir the pot with his big wooden spoon, I couldn’t help myself, and I took a thinly veiled swipe at him in retaliation. ‘Fascinating as your running commentary is, I’d appreciate it if you could do us all a favour and pipe down for a minute. You’re not helping the situation.’ I felt like I’d just scolded a naughty child, but Alfie threw his head back and laughed, taking no notice of my reprimand, so I scowled at him, before eyeing him with disgust.
‘Why are you looking at me like that? Anyone would think I’d just said, do me a favour and show me your tits, love.’
I exhaled louder than I’d intended. Alfie was being an arsehole, so I wasn’t going to waste time engaging with him. ‘Part of me thought I should tell you the moment I realised there was a chance Alfie was Luca’s father, but the other part of me knew, if I wanted us to stay together, I shouldn’t ever tell you.’ I locked eyes with my husband and tried to block everyone else out of my mind.
Gripped by guilt, I continued to talk, rambling on as I tried to come up with a justifiable reason for keeping the information a secret. But there was nothing I could say. The only excuse I had was that my heart had overruled my brain. I made the best decisions when I used a careful balance of emotion and logic. At the time, my emotions were running high, so my logic must have been low. I was sure that was what led me to take the irrational decision to cover up the truth.
At one point, I saw Nathan’s eyes glaze over. I knew by the spaced-out look on his face that he wasn’t listening to me. His attention was on a different commentary that was going on inside his head. Nathan had zoned out because it was too much for him to take in. He started staring into space with dead eyes.
A blind person could see the hurt I’d inflicted, and I knew there was a chance that Nathan’s wounds might never heal. I was ashamed of myself. I shouldn’t have treated my husband like this. Once again I’d broken his trust, and now I was going to pay dearly for the betrayal. A feeling of devastation came over me. I looked into my husband’s dark eyes, then went to hold his hand, but he pulled away.
Alfie laughed. ‘Now you know what it feels like, Gemma. Rejection stings like a bitch, doesn’t it?’
89
Nathan
When I’d first found out Gemma was pregnant, I’d shouted it from the rooftops. I’d told anyone who was prepared to listen that my wife was expecting our first child. It was an exciting time in our lives, and I wanted to enjoy every minute of it. Now Gemma had pulled the rug out from beneath me, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to forgive her.
I had boundaries, and Gemma had well and truly overstepped them. Under the circumstances, I didn’t think I could raise another man’s child. Luca was the product of Gemma’s infidelity, so it would be hard to look at him and not be reminded of what my wife had done. It wasn’t easy to repress the jealous thoughts that kept surfacing within me.
When I’d discover what Gemma had been hiding from me, my gut instinct was to walk away from her and Luca and save myself from a lot of suffering. Something I’d learnt over the years was that I should never ignore my intuition. Its ultimate purpose was to protect me. But it wasn’t as simple as that. I still loved them both, so it was going to be torture to face a future without them.
While I was agonising over my decision, Dad was doing his best to support me. But I found it hard to talk about and was overcome with a host of different emotions every time I tried. One minute I felt angry, and the next I was drowning in despair. This was a humiliating experience. I hadn’t even told my mum yet; it was too embarrassing. As far as I was concerned until I had the official result, the fewer people who knew the better. Then Dad offered me some advice. He told me it wasn’t fair to make Luca suffer. None of this was his fault.
Although I knew deep down what the outcome of the test would be, I was clinging to the hope that Gemma was mistaken and Luca was my son after all. Until I saw the proof in black and white, I wasn’t prepared to accept it. I’d spent the last six months caring for that baby as if he was my own flesh and blood, and I wasn’t going to walk away from him that easily. It was my name that appeared on Luca’s birth certificate, not Alfie’s, so Gemma was going to have to prove to me without a doubt that he wasn’t my son.
The sooner we took the DNA test, the better. This matter needed to be settled once and for all. I was keeping everything crossed that it would prove Luca was mine, but if it didn’t, hopefully, it would help me come to terms with the fact that the baby I’d been raising wasn’t my son.
90
Gemma
Thanks to the growing trend in people tracing their ancestry, DNA testing had become a simple procedure. But this genetic test wasn’t going to be harmless fun; the outcome had the potential to split my family up for good and leave us traumatised by the emotional fallout.
I fired up my laptop and found a company that provided a confidential DNA te
sting service using state-of-the-art technology. I scrolled through the information on the website to see what was available. A standard DNA test took about four days. That was quicker than I was expecting. We weren’t taking the test out of casual curiosity; it was to resolve the issue of paternity, so the sooner we had the result, the better.
I was just about to fill in the online form to request the testing kit when Alfie breezed into the kitchen. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m sending off for the DNA test.’
‘Don’t bother. The doctor’s going to carry out the test so the results will be court admissible. We can’t use a do-it-yourself kit; it needs to be a legal one.’ Alfie smirked.
Alfie summoned Nathan, and the three of us gathered in the dining room. When Jethro’s doctor arrived to collect the samples, a sudden fear gripped me. What if I’d made a mistake and Nathan was Luca’s father after all? Could we trust Jethro’s doctor not to tamper with the results?
The doctor put on his gloves and opened up the first kit. ‘Let’s get started,’ he said.
‘Ladies first,’ Alfie replied, prodding me in the back with his index finger.
‘Wash your mouth out three times with warm water and then take a seat,’ the doctor said.
I was a bundle of nerves, and my mouth was as dry as the Sahara desert, but I did as instructed.
‘Open wide.’
When the doctor removed the first swab from the sterile packaging, I leant back in the leather high-backed chair and gripped onto the seat. He rolled the buccal swab firmly on the inside of both of my cheeks and under my tongue for about one minute to collect the cells that would provide my sample. He repeated the process another three times, as four swabs had to be submitted.
‘Next,’ the doctor said when he’d finished the procedure.
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