by Jenny Han
* * *
After Reeve’s first day at my school, I tried to steer clear of him. Which wasn’t easy, because we had to ride the ferry to and from Jar Island together every day. Reeve would sit in the galley with the other passengers, and I’d go outside on the deck. Even when it started to get cold, I’d ride outside. I was fine with it. I actually like sitting on the deck, always have. But then one day when it was rainy, he saw me walking outside and called out, “Hey, Big Easy. Come here a second.”
Big Easy was the nickname Reeve gave me after a social studies unit on New Orleans and Mardi Gras. It caught on with my classmates really fast. The only person who used my real name at the Montessori was my teacher. I was Big Easy to everyone else.
Who would want to eat lunch with Big Easy? Or be science partners, or have sleepovers together? Nobody. I wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with me either. So how could I blame Anne for abandoning me? I couldn’t, but it still hurt.
I remember exactly how his voice sounded that morning. Kind of bored. I wondered if he’d noticed me, had thought of me standing out in the rain just to keep away from him. If that was why he’d called me over. Because he felt bad.
I wish I could travel back in time and push myself out that door and into the rain. But no. I walked over, as if Big Easy was my name. I even said “Hey, Reeve,” as if we were friends. And I smiled, too. I was appreciative. I was lonely.
Reeve looked up at me from his seat. After a second or two, he said, in a low voice, “Take one step to your right.”
I did what I was told.
Reeve slid off the edge of his seat, and it flipped up, the same way the seats do in movie theaters. Then he crouched in front of it on the floor, his back to me, and pulled something out of his pocket.
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
Reeve didn’t answer me, but I could see his shoulders start to shake up and down. I heard scratching noises.
I glanced over my shoulder. Behind me the old woman inside the snack booth was reading a newspaper, waiting for customers. I guess she felt me staring, because she lifted her head and smiled at me. I forced a smile back and then turned and pretended to be watching the storm through the windows.
That’s when I knew—Reeve was using me for cover.
I didn’t want to get in trouble. But also, I felt . . . useful.
When he was done, Reeve sat back on his chair. He flicked the knife open and closed with one hand. “I stole this off my brother Luke,” he said.
I wasn’t sure what to do, if I should walk back outside, but Reeve added breezily, “If you want, I’ll show you what the different blades are for.”
And he did, for the rest of the ride.
When the ferry got close to the mainland, Reeve gathered his things and left to use the bathroom. I waited for him to come back. When he didn’t, I went to the window. Reeve was already off the ferry, headed up the road to school.
I took my time, walked slow, careful not to catch up.
* * *
The bell rings and the room gets noisy right away, as if the entire class has been collectively holding their breath for forty-five minutes, but now they’re free to talk to each other. Everyone separates into their groups of friends and heads into the hallway, leaving me behind.
It’s not that I expected to come into Jar Island High and be instantly popular. I’m not delusional or anything. At Montessori I didn’t have a million friends. But there were plenty of people who talked to me. I had a place to sit during lunch. My life was perfectly fine, until Reeve showed up.
Why did I come back? What did I hope to accomplish, exactly?
It took a long time for me to get better, but I did. I got better. But suddenly it’s like the last four years never happened, and I’m feeling all the same terrible feelings about myself that I did back then. I could be at home right now, with my mom and dad. Instead of here, surrounded by bad memories and no friends and the boy who made my life a living hell.
So that’s it, then.
I’m leaving.
As soon as I make the decision, I feel loads lighter. I pack up my things. I walk down the hallway and see Reeve at the very end, as cocky and confident as he ever was, taking his sweet time getting wherever he needs to go.
Perfect.
I know exactly what I’m going to do. Yesterday he caught me off guard, but today I’m ready. I will get right in his face, say my name, my real name, out loud. Let him see for himself that he didn’t break me. I’m here. And then I’ll blow him a big fat kiss good-bye and put an end to this chapter of my life once and for all. No more regrets. It’s no way to live.
My adrenaline is pumping as I pick up the pace and fight my way through the hallway traffic to get to him. “Reeve!” I shout down the stairs.
But he doesn’t turn around. And I can’t get close. There’re too many people standing in my way. A wall of people.
“Hey, Reeve!” I call out again, pushing my way through. He still doesn’t hear me. “Reeve!” I suck in a huge breath. “REEVE!”
A rush of something bursts forth, a wind, and the force of it makes all of the locker doors slam shut in unison. The sound fills the hallway, one big clap of metallic thunder.
Reeve stops and looks around. Everyone does.
“What the hell was that?” someone says.
“How should I know?”
“A storm?”
“Dude, we just came from running laps in gym. It’s sunny outside.”
The air is quiet for another second, and then the second bell rings. It brings the place back to life. Everyone goes about their business.
I spin and take off in the opposite direction. I have to get out of here. That’s my only thought.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
LILLIA
I’M DRESSED FOR SCHOOL, LYING ON TOP OF MY BED, MY eyes wide open.
I didn’t sleep last night. How could I, when I didn’t know where my own sister was? Even after Alex dropped Nadia off, after I heard her tiptoe up the stairs, her door creak open and then closed, even then I couldn’t sleep.
I doubt Rennie will pick me up. Not after how we left things yesterday. I wait until ten minutes to eight before I tell Nadia to get in my car, that I’m driving us today.
After that neither of us says a word to the other.
The whole ride I keep trying to find a way for this to make any kind of sense. What could they have been doing together in the middle of the night? Maybe he wanted his shirt back, and he drove her over to Janelle’s to pick it up. Maybe I made Nadia feel so guilty, she wanted to go apologize to him for spilling her strawberry daiquiri everywhere, because some might have gotten on his carpet or something. Or maybe they were planning me a surprise birthday party. In the middle of the night. In the woods.
Alex Lind and my little sister. I don’t even want to think about it. Because when I do, I feel so mad, I can barely breathe.
* * *
Homeroom bell is about to ring when Rennie appears behind my locker door. She’s wearing a loose scoop neck top that hangs off one shoulder, leggings, and gladiator sandals, and she’s holding out two Blow Pops like they’re a bouquet of flowers. “Peace offering,” she says. “One for you, one for me.”
“No, thanks.” Does she honestly think that a Blow Pop is going to make it all better? If she hadn’t dragged me off to that party, none of this would have happened.
“I tried calling your cell yesterday,” she says. “Guess you were in a dead spot.”
Practically the entire island is a dead spot. “Well, I had no missed calls. Why didn’t you try my house?”
I can tell she’s trying to think up another lie. But I guess nothing comes to mind. She bites her lip. “Okay. Real apology. I’m sorry I left like that yesterday. It wasn’t cool. But come on! This is weird. You and I never fight.” She leans against the locker next to mine and looks at me, concerned. “I know things have been kinda crazy the last few days, but I promise you, senior year is still goin
g to be awesome.”
I take the Blow Pop and slowly unwrap it. I don’t even care about senior year anymore.
“So are we cool?”
When I look up, I notice that Kat’s lingering in the stairwell, watching me.
“Yes,” I say quickly to Rennie. “We’re cool.”
“Sweet. Will you come with me to Mrs. Gismond’s room? I need to drop off my science lab.”
I look over Rennie’s shoulder. Kat mouths, We need to talk, and my stomach turns over.
I say, “Actually, I have to take something over to the office. I’ll meet you in homeroom, okay?”
Rennie nods and gives me a peck on the cheek. “See you in a few.”
I watch her go. As she passes Kat’s locker, she opens it up and tosses her half-licked Blow Pop inside, like it’s a trash can.
As soon as she turns the corner, I walk up to Kat and say, “What do you want?”
“Not here.” Kat looks around. “I know a place where we can talk in private,” she says, like some Mafia don beckoning me into her study.
I let out a sigh. “Seriously, Kat. You need to quit doing drugs. They’re destroying your brain. We’re not friends, remember? We haven’t been for a really long time. So I don’t want you calling me, I don’t want you trying to talk to me at school. I’m sorry Alex played you for sex, but—”
“I didn’t have sex with Alex!”
I shrug. “Okay, but he clearly isn’t interested in you, because he’s with someone else. But that person is not my sister.”
Kat groans. “Look, I don’t know why you’re playing dumb. Alex drove Nadia to hang out with all your friends at the Bow Tie parking lot last night after their little hookup.”
What?
Kat continues, but her words come slower and she’s watching me really closely. Which is not good, because I am barely holding it together right now. “Nadia and Alex drove up in his SUV, and Rennie ran up to the window and kissed her hello.”
I want to say something, I want to tell Kat she’s dead wrong, but I can’t make words.
Something blooms on Kat’s face. A smugness. “Oh. Rennie didn’t tell you they were all hanging out together?” She taps her lips with her pointer finger. “Gee. That’s weird.”
“I’m done talking about this.” I start to walk away, but Kat reaches out and stops me.
She says, “We both know it, Lillia.” There’s something about the way Kat says my name—sad, mad, a bit pleading. “We both know how Rennie is.”
It’s the pleading in her voice that makes me bite my lip and give her the slightest nod. Then she lets me go.
* * *
It’s not even five o’clock yet, and the sun is already moving away. Squinting, I tilt my chin up so I can feel the sunlight on my cheeks.
“You want my sunglasses?” Rennie asks from the pool. “They’re on top of my clothes.” Ashlin’s hanging between two pool noodles, and Rennie’s stretched out on a raft, and she’s got one arm holding on to the side of the pool so she doesn’t float away.
“No, thanks,” I say.
“Lil, you should wear sunglasses, or else you’ll get crow’s-feet.”
I shake my head. I never wear sunglasses. I don’t want to make it feel darker out than it is. I want it to be daytime for as long as possible.
We’re at my house, hanging out by the pool. I asked Rennie to come over so we could talk, but then she invited Ashlin.
I’m lying on a lounge chair, trying to figure out what I’m going to say to Rennie. I’ll ask her to stay longer when Ash leaves, and I’ll give her the chance to explain herself, to tell me what the hell is going on between Alex and Nadia, but then that’s it. We’re done.
I’m going over it again in my mind when I hear music growing louder. Bass. I put my sweater on over my two-piece and walk to the gate. Through the slats I watch as Alex’s SUV pulls into my driveway, with Reeve, Derek, and PJ inside.
I spin around. Rennie’s already paddling her arms to get to the ladder.
“Why did you invite them?”
She shakes her head, like I’m being ridiculous. “Reeve texted me before practice and asked what I was doing. So . . . I told him. Why?”
If Nadia was home, I would lock the gate. But she’s not. She went to her friend’s house to work on cheer routines.
The boys come in, sweaty and grass-stained from practice.
Ashlin runs up and hugs Derek, but quickly peels herself off him. “Eww. You guys stink.”
Reeve grins at PJ, and in a second they both strip down to their boxers and dive into the pool. Derek cannonballs behind them, and then Ashlin and Rennie hold hands and jump in too.
As soon as they hit, Alex takes a seat on one of the lounge chairs. Not exactly near me, but definitely closer than I want him to be. I put Rennie’s sunglasses on after all, to hide how angry I am.
My mom must hear the splashing, because she comes out the patio door. Right away Reeve and PJ chorus from the pool, “Hi, Mrs. Cho!”
“Hi, boys!” Then she notices Alex sitting by me. “Alex! How are you?” She loves Alex.
He stands up like the fake gentleman he is. “Hi, Mrs. Cho. Did you get your hair cut? It looks nice.”
My mom beams at me like, Wow, isn’t he something? Yeah, he’s something all right. “As a matter of fact, I did. Thank you for noticing, Alex.”
I keep expecting Alex to try to make eye contact with me. But he doesn’t. He looks everywhere but at me. Maybe he’s still mad at me. Or maybe it’s his guilty conscience.
When my mom goes back inside, the guys come out of the water. Like a king Reeve goes, “Somebody towel me up.”
Rennie says, “Lil, you have towels for them, right?”
“Actually, no,” I say. “Our housekeeper is doing the wash right now. The most I could give you is a dishrag. Or paper towels. Sorry.”
Ashlin and Rennie share a look. PJ makes a sad face at me and starts to shiver. I roll my eyes and throw him my towel. PJ gives me a big smile. “Thanks, Lil!”
“Yeah, thanks a lot,” Reeve says.
Ashlin lets Derek borrow her towel. Rennie holds out hers for Reeve, but he declines the offer. Instead he just runs his hands over his abs, wicking away the water, and grabs his clothes. “There’s a real shortage of hospitality up in here. You ready, Alex?”
“Yup.”
I walk over and open the gate for them. “Bye,” I say.
Reeve makes a peace sign at me and leaves, shaking his head. Since when is Reeve Tabatsky the authority on manners? I’ve seen him pick food out of the garbage. It was at Alex’s house, but still.
The boys file out behind Reeve, and Rennie and Ashlin go inside to change. I get up and lean against the fence. That’s when I overhear a conversation on the other side. Because Alex hasn’t left yet. His SUV is still in my driveway.
I hear Reeve say, “God, Cho is such a bitch. Do you think she knows that you and Nadia had a sleepover?”
I gasp.
“No way. Nadia swore to her that she slept at that girl Janelle’s house. There’s no way she’d tell her.”
“You’d better hope not,” Derek says.
Then Reeve says, “Bro, what are you even getting out of all this? I say you just stick with DeBrassio. I give that girl respect. She knows what kind of girl she is.”
Alex starts his SUV. “I know what I’m doing.”
Rennie comes up behind me and puts her hand on my shoulder. I jump, and say, “Hey. Where’s Ash?”
“She’s peeing. Lil, I don’t know how else to say this to you, but . . . you need to get it together.”
“What do you mean?” My mind is still racing. Nadia slept over at a boy’s house. Not just any boy. Lindy. Someone I thought was my friend. Who’d never do something like that. I don’t know why I’ve been so naive. Boys, they aren’t to be trusted. Not any of them.
“Those guys are our friends, and you don’t want to give them a towel? Today is Wednesday. Carlota isn’t even here today. I
wasn’t going to call you out in front of everyone, but come on.” She looks around before lowering her voice. “Lil, you need to chill, or people are going to figure out something’s wrong.”
I can’t think straight. I lean against the fence, use it to hold myself up. “You’re right,” I manage to say. I’ll tell her whatever I have to, just to shut her up.
But she doesn’t. Her eyes light up. “OMG! I didn’t even tell you what happened at Bow Tie last night.”
This is it. Finally. “What?”
“Reeve and I kissed! I mean, it was only for a second. He pulled away and told me that I was too important to him to just be a random hookup. Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard? I’m telling you, we’re like this close to being an official couple.” She does a spin, like she’s already wearing her wedding dress.
I force a smile. “You guys are perfect for each other. Honestly.”
* * *
After dinner I hear Nadia in the den, watching television, but I don’t join her. I could barely stand to look at her from across the kitchen table. I go straight up to my room, lie down on my bed, and wonder what I’m going to do now that I can’t trust anyone.
My phone buzzes, and I reach over to my nightstand to pick it up. It’s a text from a number I don’t recognize.
This is Karma. I’m a bitch. Can you think of anyone who deserves a bitch slap?
Oh, yes, I can. I can think of a few.
My phone buzzes again.
If so, meet at Judy Blue Eyes, 2am. If not, sit back and enjoy the show.
That’s what Kat always said she’d name her boat if she ever got one. After her mom. It was Judy’s favorite song.
CHAPTER TWELVE
MARY
IT WASN’T ME. IT COULDN’T HAVE BEEN ME.
Whatever happened back at school, whatever that was—I don’t even want to think about it. I just want out of here. Off this island, away from Reeve and everything that reminds me of him and who I used to be.