by Mark Tilbury
‘You got any idea what the number means?’
Yeah, it’s the name the man gave me before he cut my back. ‘Ain’t got a clue.’
‘It was really freaky. Almost as if you were possessed or something.’
Tommy shrugged. Tried to appear nonchalant. His mind wandered to dark, fragmented places.
‘You also ripped your sheet off, turned over and—’
‘Leave it, Danielle. I don’t wanna know.’
‘Sorry.’
‘I’m getting pissed off with people telling me what I’ve done, or asking me if I remember anything. I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing when I have these blackouts. I’m beginning to wish I’d died in that fuckin’ road.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Why? What have I got to live for? I feel like crap, can’t remember nothing, and now I’m acting like a zombie in some stupid horror movie.’
Danielle sat. ‘It’s probably just the head injury. I’m sure it’ll pass once you recover.’
‘And if it doesn’t? Or starts getting worse?’
‘Then we’ll all be there for you.’
Gawping at me like an animal in a cage more like.
Kate returned with a jug of water and a plastic beaker. She poured his drink and handed it to him. ‘How you feeling?’
‘Confused.’
She put the jug on the bed tray. ‘Well, I’d be really surprised if you weren’t. You’ve suffered a major head trauma and spent the best part of a week in a coma.’
‘My head’s killing me.’
Kate checked her watch. ‘Your pain medication’s due in twenty minutes. Is there anything else I can get you? Cup of tea?’
Tommy shook his head.
She turned to Danielle. ‘What about you, love?’
‘I wouldn’t mind a coffee.’
‘Coming right up.’
After a short silence, Tommy said, ‘I’m sorry I got pissed off. It’s just—’
‘No need to apologise. I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel. It must be really scary not knowing anything.’
‘My head feels as if it’s being constantly squeezed.’
Kate returned with Danielle’s coffee and put it on the bedside table. Smiled at Tommy. ‘I’ll be back soon.’
‘She’s really nice,’ Danielle said, picking up her cup and blowing steam from the rim. ‘I wanted to be a nurse when I was a kid.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. But I didn’t want to leave home and go to uni. And I don’t like blood, so…’
‘Good job you work in Waitrose, then.’
Danielle took a sip of her coffee. ‘Well, not really. I wanna do something better with my life.’
‘Like what?’
‘Maybe work in a nursing home. Do something worthwhile.’
‘Selling food’s pretty important,’ Tommy said. ‘So they tell me, anyway.’
Danielle smiled. ‘So are toilets. Doesn’t mean I wanna clean them, though.’
‘Have you applied for any care jobs?’
‘Oh God, no. My head’s been all over the place. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning and go to work. Waitrose is mind-numbingly boring, but at least I can do it with my eyes shut. Literally sometimes.’
‘Well, you can go for it now I’m back.’
Danielle put down her cup. ‘I’m not doing anything until you’re better.’
‘And if I don’t recover?’
‘Then I’ll spend the rest of my life helping to take care of you. It’s the least I can do.’
‘Don’t mess up your life ’cos of me.’
‘I’ve already messed up your life.’
‘No you haven’t. There’s no one to blame. Shit happens.’
‘When you get home, we can go through all the pictures on my phone. It might help to jog your memory. By the way, before I forget, Jordan asked if it was all right to visit.’
‘Jordan?’
‘Your best mate.’
Tommy shook his head. ‘What’s the point? I’m not gonna remember him, am I?’
‘Maybe not, but it might help.’
‘I doubt it. I can’t even remember my own family.’
‘Do you mind if I nip outside for a cigarette?’
Tommy was grateful for the chance to have a break. He wanted Danielle to go home but didn’t want to be rude to her. ‘Fine. I could do with a rest until I’ve had my painkillers.’
She seemed relieved. ‘I tried to give up a few weeks before you went missing, but I ain’t got no willpower. I might have another try soon.’
Tommy didn’t answer. He closed his eyes. Willed the pain in his head to go away. A slow rhythmic chant started in his head. Belle of the ball… belle of the ball… belle of the ball. This time, there was no accompanying girl dancing in his mind’s eye, just a dark empty space pulsing with monastic incantation.
‘I’m back, Tommy,’ Danielle said, as the chanting was about to carry him into the sanctuary of sleep.
He jolted back to reality. ‘That was quick.’
Danielle frowned. ‘I’ve been gone almost half an hour. I went to the canteen to get a sausage roll, then back outside to have another fag.’
‘But…?’
Kate bustled in with an MDS Trolley. ‘Time for your meds.’
Tommy looked from one to the other, convinced he’d only closed his eyes for two minutes at the most.
Kate took several pills from the trolley and put them in a small plastic cup. ‘Ready?’
He nodded.
She handed him the cup. Two paracetamol, two codeine and two ibuprofen.
He swallowed them with a few mouthfuls of water and sank back against his pillows. ‘Thanks.’
Kate grinned. ‘My pleasure.’
Tommy thought she had a lovely smile to go with her lovely nature. As she wheeled the trolley out of the room, he said to Danielle, ‘I can’t believe you were gone for that long. It only seemed like a few minutes.’
‘You probably nodded off.’
‘Yeah. Everything’s messed up, even the bloody time.’
‘I’m gonna have to get off soon. Is there anything you want?’
‘Just to wake up from this nightmare. What I don’t get is how everything was wiped from my mind before I wound up here, but I can recall other stuff.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘The names of things. Like the bed I’m lying in, or the table over there.’
‘Perhaps there’s a separate part of the brain that records all that stuff. You ought to ask the doctor.’
Tommy shrugged.
‘How about at home? Do remember anything about the things in your room?’
He searched the vaults. Nothing. Not even a chest of drawers. ‘No.’
She smiled. ‘Your bedroom wall is covered in Arsenal memorabilia. Scarves and posters. You’ve even got a shirt signed by Aubameyang.’
‘Who’s he?’
‘A striker who plays for Arsenal.’
‘Never heard of him.’
‘Dad took you to the cup final last year to see Arsenal and Chelsea. Arsenal won. You wouldn’t shut up about it for weeks. I really don’t get football.’
Tommy didn’t either. But he knew what football was. He didn’t know whether that was frustrating or encouraging.
‘Mum and Dad said they’ll visit tonight after she finishes work.’
‘Could you do me a favour?’
‘What?’
Tommy thought about how to word it. ‘Tell them I’m really knackered. I’ve had the detective and you here already. Not to mention Dr Larkin and the nurses. It feels as if someone’s set fire to my head.’
‘Okay.’
‘Don’t get me wrong,’ Tommy said. ‘It’s not like I don’t wanna see them. It’s just I can’t take any more conversations today.’
Danielle smiled. ‘Fair enough.’
‘Thanks.’ Tommy stared at the bed tray. The water jug. A magazine. Several get well cards. If on
ly they had the power to do so! He liked Danielle. She was nice. Caring. Everything a sister should be. So why couldn’t he make a connection to her? His heart wanted to, but his mind wouldn’t let him.
‘Would you like me to bring you a book or something?’ she asked.
He didn’t hear her, once again a prisoner to his absent mind.
‘Tommy?’
He looked at her, eyes misty. ‘Why do you always tease me?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Tease me with your lips? Tease me with your eyes.’
Danielle frowned. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Yes you do. Always dancing in front of me. Touching me. I don’t like it.’
‘I don’t. I’m your sister.’
‘You’re a whore.’
Danielle stiffened. ‘You’re not making any sense.’
Tommy laughed. A sound that seemed as if it had been dredged from a swamp. ‘You may think you own me, Bella. But I’m gonna get you. And I’m gonna fuckin’ strangle you.’
Danielle backed away from the bed. ‘I’m gonna get the nurse.’
‘Piss off.’
She turned and hurried from the room.
‘That’s right, Bella. Run to him. Tell tales. Do you get off on watching him punish me for the things you’ve done?’
Tommy’s stomach fizzed, as if it was full of baking soda. He instantly regretted his words. Bella was a bitch, but The Master always took her side. Believed everything that came out of her lying mouth.
He suddenly wanted to rewind and stuff his stupid words back in his head where they belonged. It was funny how careless you could be in the face of provocation. But, of course, Bella understood this. She played with your head. Sucked your mind like a thought vampire. Thrived on cruelty.
‘I’m sorry,’ he shouted, his voice rasping. ‘I’m sorry, Bella. I didn’t mean it.’
And then he fell into deep, dark nothingness. His head rolled to one side, and his eyelids fluttered rapidly.
A temporary respite from an eternal nightmare.
Chapter Five
Tommy returned home the following Friday. The doctor had prescribed him Mirtazapine to help his moods. Although he was sleeping slightly better, his mind was about as even as a cobbled street. Danielle and his parents had put up a welcome home banner stretching across the lounge above the window. All purples and reds and yellow stars.
He gawped at it, wondering how he was supposed to respond to something that meant nothing at all. He forced a smile, afraid his words might betray his thoughts. Scanning the room, he searched for a connection to the furnishings. The green leather sofa and matching recliner. The glass-topped hexagonal coffee table and mahogany bookcase. Magnolia walls. Beige carpet. Brown, velvet curtains. But nothing seemed vaguely familiar.
‘How does it feel to be home at last?’ Mum said.
‘Great,’ Tommy lied.
‘I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve sat in this room wondering about you and dreaming of this day.’
‘Me, too,’ Charlie said. ‘Other than yours and Danielle’s births, this has gotta be the happiest day of my life.’
Tommy thought it would’ve been better if he’d never been born.
Mum, who he’d been told was called Rachel, asked Tommy to sit on the recliner and put his feet on the stool. ‘The most important thing is to get plenty of rest.’
I’ve been doing that ever since I woke up. ‘Right.’
‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘Okay. Thanks.’ He eased himself into the chair, mindful of not jolting his body and setting off fireworks in his ribcage.
‘We’ll have spaghetti bolognaise tonight,’ Mum said, as if that was the way to put Humpty back together again. ‘And I’ve bought some raspberry ripple ice cream for afters.’
‘Sounds great.’
Charlie ambled to the recliner and put a hand on his son’s shoulder. ‘It’s great to have you back, son. Really great.’
‘Thanks.’
‘I’ve just got a phone call to make, then we can all sit down together and watch a movie.’
Tommy didn’t want to watch anything. His attention span was barely geared up for a cartoon, let alone a film.
Danielle sat on the end of the sofa, her hair fanning out across her shoulders. She tucked several loose strands behind her ears. ‘It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?’
He nodded.
‘Any time you want to be on your own, or have a chat, let me know.’
‘Okay.’
‘Mum and Dad might be a bit overbearing at times, so if you need to escape…’
‘Thanks.’
‘How’s your head?’
‘Somewhere between shit and a sewer.’
Danielle’s eyes widened. ‘Try not to swear in front of Mum. She hates profanity.’
‘Oh.’
‘Dad don’t mind, and I definitely don’t, but Mum’s a bit more prudish.’
‘How old is she?’
‘She had her fortieth birthday last month. We never really celebrated it, though. Just a bit of cake and a glass of wine.’
‘And Dad?’
‘He’s forty-seven.’
How long have they been married?’
‘Nineteen years.’
‘Are they happy?’
Danielle thought for a moment. ‘Mostly. I mean, everything’s been upside down and back to front this last year. It’s put a strain on everyone. But other than that, they’re pretty well matched.’
‘Have I ever had a girlfriend?’
Danielle shrugged. ‘No idea. But boys don’t exactly open up to their family.’
‘I keep wondering where the hell I got the name Bella from.’
‘Do you remember thinking I was Bella at the hospital?’
‘No.’
‘You accused me of teasing you. Touching you. And other disgusting stuff.’
Tommy gawked at her. ‘Oh, shit. Fuck. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s all right. I know it wasn’t really you talking.’
‘Jesus Christ, what’s happening to me?’
‘It’s probably all linked up to where you’ve been. Dreams. Fragments of memory. Like a puzzle you can’t put together until you’ve got all the pieces.’
‘I had a dream the other night I was on a roof trying to rescue a rhinoceros. It was telling me to throw a rope around its horn.’
Mum returned to the lounge with a cup of tea. Handed it to her son. ‘Dreams are usually trying to tell you something.’
‘Perhaps the rhino was symbolic,’ Danielle said. ‘Like it represents a mountain you need to climb.’
Tommy took a sip of tea. ‘Why didn’t it show me a mountain?’
Mum smiled and sat on the sofa. ‘A lot of the answers are given to us in riddles.’
Tommy prayed Danielle didn’t repeat what he’d said at the hospital when he’d thought she was Bella. He studied his tea, trying to find something to say to change the subject. The milky tea had dark dots floating on the surface, giving it the appearance of a freckled face.
‘Is your tea okay?’ Mum asked. ‘I made it how you liked it before… well, you know.’
‘It’s fine,’ Tommy lied. It was way too sweet, but in the grand scheme of things it was hardly important. He searched his mother’s face for a glimpse of recognition. The way she sat with her hands in her lap, fingers constantly exploring one another. The dimple in her chin. Rapid blinking when she said something concerning his missing year.
Dad returned to the lounge. ‘Sorry to be a pain, but I need to pop to Auntie Barb’s for a bit.’
Rachel’s eyes widened. ‘What, now, Charlie? We’ve only just got home.’
‘I’m sorry. Her telly’s playing up again.’
‘No, Charlie, she can’t figure out how to work that stupid smart TV. It’s beyond me why she even wanted one. Gemma told me the bloody things can even spy on you.’
Charlie laughed. ‘I think Gemma’s paranoid.’
&nbs
p; ‘Yes, well, I hate all that bloody smart stuff. God only knows where it’s all leading.’
Charlie walked to the door. ‘To a better life, hopefully.’
Rachel shook her head. ‘Yeah. Until robots take everyone’s jobs and no one’s got anything to do.’
‘I won’t be long,’ Charlie said. ‘I promise.’
‘Who’s Auntie Barb?’ Tommy asked.
Danielle grinned. ‘Dad’s sister. She’s the nicest person you could ever wish to meet. She phoned nearly every day when you were missing.’
‘She’s not all sweetness and light,’ Rachel said. ‘She can be quite spiteful given half a chance.’
‘Well, she’s always been lovely to me and Tommy. And she likes a fag and doesn’t make me stand outside in the rain when I want one.’
Rachel shook her head. ‘Smoking’s a disgusting habit. I don’t understand why anyone would want to spend a fortune on cigarettes like Barb does, then moan about the cost of heating.’
Danielle bristled. ‘Because she’s on her own and only has a cat for company. She hasn’t got much to make her happy since Uncle Jack died. Just the TV and her ciggies.’
‘That’ll probably put her in an early grave.’
Danielle shook her head. ‘And all those who don’t smoke are immortal, are they?’
Rachel sighed. ‘You know what I mean.’
Danielle stood. ‘Talking of fags, I’m gonna nip outside and have one.’
Rachel waited for her to leave the room. ‘I wish she’d pack up before she ends up spending half her wages on the damn things.’
‘She told me she was gonna try soon,’ Tommy said, wondering why it was any of his mother’s business what people did with their money. Surely if you worked hard, or you were on your own like Auntie Barb, it was up to you what you did.
‘It’s hard enough getting by these days, without the burden of cigarettes and alcohol. They’re crutches that don’t do anything positive for you. I can’t think of anything worse to do with…’
Tommy’s mind wandered away from Rachel’s voice as it droned on about the dangers of something you might enjoy. He put his cup on the coffee table, careful to use a coaster. He wanted to be happy to be home. Be able to lie in his own bed at night. Spend time with his family. But it was already becoming apparent he didn’t much like his mother. She irritated him. Seemed as if she liked bossing people around.