by Diana Nixon
“But there’s still one thing that I don’t understand… Why did you think you were not capable of falling in love again? Why were you so afraid to love again? Because for me, this letter only proves that you couldn’t let your love go just like that, that you wanted to fight for it.”
“Because it was easier that way. It was so much easier to pretend being a heartless bastard, fucking around, than to make a commitment, to stop and look at my life from a different point of view. It was easier to not feel a thing, than to let love destroy me again. You can’t even imagine how hard it was to forget about my love for Melody. Despite everything she did, I kept loving her. Deep down inside I never stopped loving her, or rather the perfect image of her that I once fell in love with. But then I met you…” He took the letter out of my hands and tore it into small pieces, throwing them to the ground and letting the wind blow them away. “I didn’t live before you, Stella. You showed me just how miserable and pointless my existence had been. I finally realized that I didn’t have to hide in my imaginary shell for the rest of my days, I could feel again, I could smile again, I could do anything I wanted, because you were there with me.”
“Then why did you leave? I asked you to stay, I told you I loved you, but you still left… Why, James?”
“Because I foolishly thought that I didn’t deserve you and your love. I thought that you didn’t need a broken man by your side, that you were worth so much more than me.”
“Then why did you follow me last night? And why did you come to my place today?”
“Because when I saw you with Steven Turner, I wanted nothing more than to kill him right there and then. The mere thought of you two being together scared the hell out of me. I couldn’t believe I would let you be with a man who is so much worse than me and my fucking fears. Do you even know how many women he has been with?”
I smirked. “Are you saying that his list of female ‘friends’ is shorter than yours?”
“Ha-ha, my list can’t be even called a list compared to the amount of dates he changes in one week.”
“So it was simple jealousy that made you realize you couldn’t live without me?”
“No, it was not just about jealousy…” He ran one palm down my cheek, then rubbed my lower lip with his thumb, saying, “It was the time that I spent away from you, the nights that I couldn’t hold you in my embrace, the days I spent without hearing your voice, without seeing your smile. The endless hours that I spent away from the only woman who somehow managed to see and love the real me.”
He stepped closer, touching my forehead with his. “I will give away everything I have just to have you by my side again.”
“Even your books?”
“I don’t need fictional words to live in anymore. My own reality is so much better now.”
“But I don’t want you to stop writing. I kind of love your stories…”
He smiled, still holding my face in his palms. “I thought you hated them.”
“Well, I think there are more parts about them that I love now.”
“Let’s talk about it somewhere else.”
I nodded in response. James looked one last time at the grave behind me, then wrapped one hand around my shoulders and we went back to his car.
“Do you think we can try starting all over again?” He said, watching me. We were sitting in his car, waiting for the sudden rain to stop pouring. Neither of us had an umbrella, and I didn’t want to soak to the bone, so I asked James to wait until the weather got better before he would take me back home.
“Do you think we can make it work this time?” I asked in response.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to turn this around…”
“How about you invite me to your new book launch first?”
“I have already said I would be happy to see you there.”
“Yes, but I want an official invitation. You do have invitations, don’t you?”
“Okay, I’ll send you a special one.”
“Deal.”
Later that day, after James took me home, I called my sister. I needed a piece of advice and she was the only more or less sane member of my family to get it from, who would probably ask a million questions, but wouldn’t judge me after doing that.
“Okay, so let’s make it clear… You slept with James Collins when he came to Braiwood, which was fo-freaking-ever ago, and I only now find out about it?”
“Don’t make me regret this call, Nikki. I really need your help.”
“With what?”
“I want to cook a dinner for James.”
“On your own?”
“Yep.”
She laughed into the handset. “Is this your way to take revenge for his escape?”
“Very funny, Nik. No, I just want to surprise him.”
“Put on a nice corset and high heels and ask him to come to your place. I’m sure he will be surprised to see you like that. And the chances of poisoning would be not so high.”
“You are not helping, Nikki. He already saw me in bed and not just there, but never in an apron.”
“Wait a second, let’s get back to ‘not just there’ part. How many times exactly did you two have sex that I didn’t know anything about?”
“We are not going to talk about it.”
“Why not?”
“Because right now, I need you to tell me how to truffle a duck.”
She laughed even harder. “Why don’t you just make an omelet?
“Not an option, I always burn omelets.”
“But you want to truffle a duck… What makes you think you won’t burn your entire place trying to cook it?”
“Please, Nik, your duck is always perfect. Just tell me what to do, and I will follow your instructions.”
“Okay, take a pen and a piece of paper, and don’t you dare to ruin my amazing receipt!”
“Can’t promise you anything, but I’ll try my best to make the duck as perfect as yours.”
“Oh, dear lord… So, first you need to buy a duck…”
Chapter 20
James
“I know that I’ve let you down, Stella. But I will put everything at stake if only you give me a chance to prove that I have changed…
P.S. This is the copy of my new book. Hope you will like it…
James.”
I put the invitation inside the box with the book and asked the courier to deliver it to the address written on the box.
I was a little afraid of Stella reading the book. I knew she would immediately know that it was all about her. I even called the leading character after her. But the real Stella was still so much better than any stories and my fantasies about her. For me, she was perfect, with just enough imperfections that only made her even more attractive and desirable.
I took my phone and called Stella, hoping she would be at home to receive my package. I haven’t seen her for almost a week. She said we needed to start from the book launch and I didn’t want to rush things so as not to scare her away. This time, I was even more afraid of everything I was doing.
What the hell, man? What is wrong with you? Well…
“What?” Stella snapped into the handset.
“Um… Sorry, bad timing?”
“Oh, my God, James, it’s you! I didn’t look at the screen before answering the call, I thought it was Nikki again.”
“What did your sister do this time to piss you off?”
“Nothing, in fact, I think this time I pissed her off.”
A weird noise came from the other end of the line.
“What are doing there?” I asked.
“Committing a murder.”
“And who is the victim?”
“Don’t ask, James. You will never believe that.”
“Now, I’m curious. Who are you trying to kill?”
“Well, not to kill exactly… I’m… God, I can’t believe I about to say that… I ‘m cooking.”
“Oh… And how is it going?”
“Not su
ccessful.”
“Why so?”
“The duck hates me.”
I smiled, trying to imagine Stella cooking a duck. “Did you try talking to her?”
“Talking to her? Are you kidding me?”
“You know, ducks like cooks being nice with them.”
“I’m on my third freaking duck now, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to finish cooking it any time soon. Crap!”
“What is it?”
“Looks like I need another duck. I just dropped the one I had been trying to cut to the floor. Sleek bitch.”
“Jeez, Stella, why did you even start cooking? Didn’t you have anything better to do tonight? You could have just called me instead… I would gladly help you busy this evening with something more interesting than cooking.”
“I needed practice. I wanted to surprise you and make a dinner and blah blah blah… Damn it… I should have just put on a nice corset and heels instead, just like Nikki said.”
“She said what?”
“Forget it. Good news, the sauce smells really good. And looks so much better than the damn duck corpse on my kitchen floor.”
“When were you going to invite me for that ‘ducky party’ of yours?”
“Don’t know. Why?”
“Why don’t you listen to your sister’s dress-code advice and I take care of the food?”
“Looks like I don’t have a choice…”
“By the way, I sent you an invitation.”
“Really? I haven’t received it yet.”
“The courier should deliver it within an hour. Will you be at home?”
“Yes, I need to clean the kitchen, remember?”
“Right… So, I’ll see you tomorrow night, then.”
“You will. If I like the invitation.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“I hope you will.”
Never in my life time seemed to be going so fucking slow. I don’t know how many times I looked at the round clock on the wall from across the hall where my book launch was about to start. The damn thing was obviously broken, because I surely couldn’t look at just thirty seconds ago.
“Mr. Collins, a few words for our paper?”
“Sure,” I said absently and forced a smile looking into a photo camera flashing right into my face.
More and more people were gathering in the room, but I didn’t see Stella among them. Was she going to ignore my invitation? No, she couldn’t. I looked at my watch and frowned. She was supposed to be here five minutes ago. The reporter asked another question, and I needed a few moments to realize that my interview wasn’t finished yet. After I was done with the questions, I forced what felt like a million smile tonight and posed for the cameras now surrounding me from both sides.
A crowd of well-dressed people was growing with every passing second. Some came to greet and congratulate me on the release of a new book, but I just didn’t have energy for anything but a few nods and short answers. I went to the table with drinks and took a glass of champagne, hoping it would distract me at least a little from my thoughts about Stella. She was obviously trying my patience, being late for the event that I wanted her to like so much. She was my inspiration for the book I was launching tonight, and I wanted everyone to know about it.
I turned just in time to see her walking into the room. She wasn’t alone. Olivia and Leon were with her. I quickly put the glass back on the table and headed to greet them. Stella looked breathtaking, wearing a sleeveless, floor-length, black gown. Her hair was made in a high bun, exposing her beautiful neckline and making my desire to be closer to her even harder to resist.
I took a deep breath, before I spoke, “Miss Holt, what a pleasure to see you here tonight.”
“See, he didn’t even notice us,” Leon said to his fiancé.
“Leave him alone, don’t you see he can hardly speak at all?”
Stella giggled, watching me. “Mr. Collins, you look unbelievably mysterious tonight.”
“It’s all because he can’t take his eyes off you,” Olivia said. “Come on, Darling, let’s give them some space.” She took Leon by the hand and pulled him away.
“I started to worry you wouldn’t come,” I said to Stella.
“How could I ignore your invitation… It was so intriguing. As well as the book.”
“Did you have time to read it?”
“Not all of it, I read just a few chapters.”
“And? What do you think about them?”
“You have been very observant, Mr. Collins…”
I smiled. “You mean that part when I mentioned a birthmark on your thigh?”
Her cheeks reddened. “You should have warned me about the contents of your book.”
“It was supposed to be a surprise.”
“It did surprise me.”
“Good. Now how about a glass of champagne?”
“Would be great.”
I nodded and waited for the waitress to bring us the drinks.
“James, can I have a word with you?” Olivia was back and judging by her expression, I didn’t have a choice but to go with her.
“Be right back,” I said to Stella. I didn’t have the slightest desire to leave her alone. Especially tonight, when I was going to tell her something very important.
“What is it, Liv?” I asked, following my agent. She stopped at one of the tables with the copies of my book and pointed angrily at someone behind me.
“What the hell is she doing here?”
I turned around and saw Jessica Wieland standing just a few feet away from us.
“Oh, I should have warned you about her.”
Jessica was Olivia’s cousin who once tried to steal Leon from her, and since then, my friend hated her to death.
“That bitch has no right to be here.”
“She’s the representative of The Gossiper. I couldn’t tell her to not come. You know how much they like writing shit about me.”
“Oh, God, help me through this night.” Olivia took a glass of champagne from the table and drained it dry. “You’d better keep her away from Leon, or I won’t leave a single hair on her head.”
“I’ll see what I can do. By the way, do you know when Rick is going to join us? I want him to meet my Stella.”
“Your Stella? Since when has she become yours?”
“Since the day I laid my eye on her.”
Olivia shook her head in disbelief. “Who would have thought a sworn bachelor James Collins would be so hopelessly in love one day?”
“Is that so obvious?”
“To me, yes. I’ve known you for ages, James. I have seen you with many women, but the only glance at you and Stella together is enough to see it all. And I’m truly happy for you. It was just about time to stop being an asshole.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for being so honest, Liv.”
“You are welcome. All right, I’d better go find my fiancé before that curvy bitch, my cousin, does it first.” She left, and I looked at Stella again. My eyes moved along the line of her neck and shoulders. Her creamy skin contrasted so perfectly with the blackness of her gown, making her look like a porcelain piece of art, decorated with velvet.
I remembered the first time I met Stella. There was so much challenge in her eyes. She was the first person who didn’t start praising my books just to get closer to me. But she was still the first woman that I let that close to me in a long time. She consumed me. Her prim surface, hiding so much passion, wildness and recklessness behind was one of those things that I loved most of all about her. She was always unpredictable. I never knew what to expect from her. Even last week, when I took her to the cemetery and let her read the letter written by Melody, I didn’t expect her to be so deeply touched by the words written there. She didn’t hate me. She supported me, she said it was not my fault, and it was more than enough to believe that. For years, I had been trying to justify myself, and she needed just a few minutes to change it all, to free me from my guilt.
I w
alked around the edge of the room, stepping behind Stella. She took a long sip of her champagne, and I suddenly wanted to turn into the glass that she was holding in her hand now and feel her lips touching me.
“I know you are watching me,” she said, turning slightly around, but not showing her face completely.
I stepped closer, running my hand up and down her back. “How did you know I was standing behind you?”
“I saw you walking here. People seem to be so excited to see you tonight.”
“What about you?” I asked in a low voice.
“Me in particular…” She responded, leaning slightly back.
“Good to know that, ‘cause there’s a surprise I have prepared for you. I intentionally sent you the invitation and the book just last night. I didn’t want you to read the book by tonight.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s a part that I want to read for you.”
“Hmm… I remember you loved me reading for you as well.”
I smiled at the memory. “I will let you read more of my stories, aloud… I promise you that.”
She turned around, finally letting me see her eyes. “You made quite an impression the day we first met. I don’t even know how I managed to not kill you back at Dillon’s. There were moments when I felt like doing that with my bare hands.”
I leaned closer, so close I could smell champagne on her lips. “If you ever feel like killing me again, do it with a kiss…”
A slow smile curved her lips. “Don’t tempt me, Mr. Collins. You want to live to the end of this launch, don’t you?”
“I would rather die if it were from your kiss, Miss Holt… Did I mention how much I love your dress?”
“I don’t think so. You do?”
“Oh, yes, I do. But even more I love the idea of taking if off of you. What do you say?”
“I thought we were going to take is slow this time.”