by Jacqui Rose
As the rain began to fall, Vaughn ran after her, catching up with her easily. He grabbed her arm.
‘Leave me alone, Vaughn. Just leave me alone.’
He held his phone in his hand and waved it in front of Tia’s face, not quite sure why he was so enraged, not quite sure why Tia’s cheating was affecting him so much. ‘Unless you start talking, I’m calling Harry.’
‘Why? Cos you think he’s the great hero? Saint Harry, that’s what we’ll call him, shall we? Harry, rescuer and saviour.’
Vaughn stared at Tia and he sighed, trying to calm himself down. ‘Look, Tia, I get it, I get he ain’t the best husband in the world. And if I didn’t have Wan and Franny right on my arse, I wouldn’t be here now, but I am cos Harry is looking out for me.’
Drenched, Tia glared at him, wiping the rain from her face. Furiously, she hissed her words, spitting anger at him. She pointed to herself. ‘No, I, I have always looked out for you. Me. Right from the start.’
‘What are you talking about?’
Crying, Tia looked up at the sky, closing her eyes as she yelled, ‘You don’t get it do you? You should be thanking me, not Harry. Me, Vaughn, me.’
Vaughn shook her, causing her to look at him. ‘What the fuck are you on about, Tia?’
‘Wan. You’re not dead because of me, not Harry.’
39
It was gone 11pm that same Saturday and Milly sat in the late-night greasy spoon café in Beak Street with her beanie hat pulled down low. She sighed as she looked at Ellie who was sitting opposite her, full of hostility. ‘Thanks for coming, El. I’m sorry about earlier. I never meant to upset you.’
Ellie shrugged and took a sip of milky tea. ‘Well you did. You had no right to talk shit about Wan. I love him and he loves me. Why can’t everyone understand that?’
‘I know and I’m sorry. I’m just worried, that’s all.’
Ellie’s eyes seemed to darken. ‘There you go again. If you’ve only asked to see me to talk more shit, then I’m going.’
She went to stand up but Milly pulled her back down. ‘Please, don’t.’
‘Then stop saying all that stuff about Wan. He’s the only person who’s ever loved me in my life, the only person who’s ever taken care of me. My mum treated me like a punching bag and most of the time when she wasn’t drunk or sleeping with any bloke who would buy her a double vodka, she was locking me out of the house, so I was always out on the street. But Wan’s not like that. He buys me things, he feeds me, he looks out for me, he’s given me my own room with all matching furniture – I’ve never had anything like that in my life. So I know he cares, I know he loves me and if he needs me to do him a favour with his mates now and then, it’s worth it to be with him.’
Milly’s heart broke for Ellie because even though she knew Ellie could come across as mean and horrible, underneath all she wanted was to be taken care of. So she nodded at her, though in truth she wanted to scream. She wanted to warn Ellie, tell her that this wasn’t love, cos although Milly’s dad, Harry, had been a nasty bully, her mum, Tia, had always loved her.
Thinking about her mum made Milly feel sad. After what she’d seen she didn’t want to think about her, so she turned back her attention to Ellie. ‘Okay, whatever you say.’ Milly smiled. ‘But I want you to come and stay with me. It’ll be fun and we can just hang out together.’
‘I got a boyfriend in case it’s escaped your notice and I’d rather hang out with him.’
Milly shrugged. It was clear that Ellie wasn’t interested in listening to anything that even hinted towards the fact that maybe her so-called boyfriend wasn’t Prince Charming after all. ‘I know but … and don’t get me wrong here, but … look, promise you won’t get mad at me?’
Ellie shrugged. ‘It depends what you say.’
‘Well, what do you know about him? I mean, what do you really know about him? What are his family like? What are his friends like? Have you met his mum? Been to his house?’
Dropping three more cubes of sugar into her tea, Ellie yawned. ‘What’s with all the questions? And anyway, I don’t need to meet his bloody mother to know that we’re in love.’
Playing with the piece of toast on her plate, which had far too much butter on it, Milly nodded. ‘That’s true, but you don’t want to get locked down with one guy.’
Ellie scowled. ‘What are you on about?’
‘I just mean that there will be other guys apart from him.’
Ellie’s face flashed with anger. ‘I don’t want other guys, I don’t need other guys, cos I’ve got him, ain’t I?’
Milly chewed on her lip. ‘Yeah, but—’
‘But nothing. You know what, I’m sick of this. Maybe you can’t get your head around that fact that I love him and he feels the same. I reckon you’re just bitter cos you’re going to be one of them sad, single mums … Oh shit.’
‘What?’
‘Don’t look now, but the guy who’s just come in, he’s the one I’ve been telling you about.’
Instinctively, Milly began to turn around but Ellie hissed at her. ‘I said, don’t turn round! Oh shit, fuck, he’s coming over.’
‘You like to cause trouble, don’t you?’
Milly froze. The minute she heard his voice she knew exactly who it was: Harry. Her dad. Standing directly behind her.
Pulling her beanie further down her head, as well as pulling her hoodie up, Milly kept absolutely still, praying that Harry wouldn’t move from where he was. If he did, he would see her. A beanie and a hoodie for a disguise only went so far.
She could feel herself shaking. All the memories of living at home came rushing back. All the times she was terrified of his temper whirled around in her head. The day he’d literally thrown her out into the street came thundering to the forefront of her mind.
He was one of the reasons – no, he was the only reason – why the last year of living at home she’d got herself in trouble, partied, hung out with the wrong people.
Looking back she knew it was an act of rebellion to not only get pregnant but also to keep the baby. It was her way of taking back control. Stupid, she knew it was, but when he’d found out that she was pregnant, he had beaten her black and blue and dragged her out of the house.
Of course it was an excuse. She knew that he’d been waiting for one. Waiting to be able to throw her out with what he saw as a valid reason. He was nothing but a hypocrite, a bully and worse still, from what she was picking up from this conversation, he was one of the men Ellie had been sleeping with. And that thought not only made her shiver and feel sick, it made her want to kill him.
‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ Ellie said as she stared up at Harry.
Harry brought down his voice to a whisper making sure that the large Greek man sitting in the corner eating a plate of chips and onion rings, didn’t hear. ‘I’m talking about a little whore like you causing trouble. Complaining how we treated you. Well next time, you won’t be so lucky. Next time, I’ll get them to bury you a-fucking-live.’
And with that Harry stomped out, leaving Ellie and Milly sitting there.
‘Who was that?’ Milly said, pretending she didn’t know.
‘One of the guys I sometimes do a favour for.’
Not looking directly at Ellie, Milly frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Jesus, do I have to spell it out? Wan asks me to sometimes keep his friends happy, that’s all.’
Angry for her, Milly shook her head. ‘Can you hear what you’re saying? That’s why he can’t love you.’
Ellie stared at Milly across the table. ‘What did you say?’
Unable to stop herself, Milly’s words rushed out. ‘He don’t, Ellie, he just don’t love you! He can’t do if he makes you sleep with my … if he makes you sleep with men like that, and I just wish you’d listen to me.’
Ellie stood up scraping her chair back. ‘I don’t even know why I came to see you. You can’t stand it that I’m happy.’
‘But I don’t t
hink you are. You can’t be, not with him anyway. You can’t be happy with him! Look at your neck, look at your bruises, and you can’t even remember what happened properly but he doesn’t even care anyway. You could’ve died … It’s sick, Ellie!’
Furious, Ellie picked up her drink and threw it at Milly, drenching her face and coat in cold tea. ‘You don’t know anything and you’re the sick one.’
‘But I do! I know more than you think. And I know that your so-called boyfriend wouldn’t get you to do those things if he loved you and I know that he wouldn’t …’ Milly trailed off, tears running down her face.
‘Wouldn’t what?’ Ellie screamed as the waitress came over to see what was happening.
Not wanting to say anything more to hurt her friend, Milly shook her head. ‘Nothing.’
‘Yeah it better be nothing and you need to keep it shut. From now on, don’t call me, cos you and me ain’t friends anymore and if I ever hear that you’ve gone round slagging off my boyfriend, you’ll be sorry.’
With Ellie gone, Milly attempted to dry off her coat in the café’s toilets before leaving. Stepping out into the road to avoid the group of school kids milling on the corner, she crossed to the other side of the pavement and with her heart thumping she continued to rush down the street. Taking a deep breath, she instinctively placed her hand on her stomach, knowing that if Ellie wouldn’t help herself, then she would help Ellie …
40
It was hot inside the building as Milly walked down the stairs and at the first door she came to she took another deep breath, her hand trembling as she placed it on the door handle. She closed her eyes for a moment before pushing the door wide open.
‘Hello, Wan. Long time no see.’
Wan looked up from his desk and smiled, showing no attempt to hide his surprise. ‘Milly, what do I owe this pleasure to?’ He stopped suddenly as he looked at her large, pregnant stomach. Then he grinned.
‘I take it it’s mine.’
Milly stared at Wan. She shook her head. ‘No.’
Putting out his cigarette in the solid gold ashtray, Wan came around from his desk and laughed, striding over to her. He took her hair into his hands, playing with her gold curls.
‘You were never a good liar, Mills.’
‘Whereas you were.’
‘Touché, darlin’.’ He placed his hand on her stomach but immediately she jumped away as if she’d had an electric shock.
‘Don’t touch me.’
‘Oh come on, Milly, don’t be like that. After all, by the looks of you, I’ll be playing daddy soon, won’t I?’
Milly’s face turned red. ‘I already told you, the baby’s not yours.’
‘Milly, I know you too well. Why else are you here? Did you miss me? I told you that you would.’
‘No, Wan, I didn’t miss you … not one little bit. I saw you for what you were.’
Wan licked his lips. ‘Not before we had our fun.’
Milly stared at him. He was right, they had. But that was before she’d known what he was like. Before she’d seen what a liar, a creep and worse he was.
She’d first met him when she’d been hanging out at one of the arcades off Tottenham Court Road, wanting to be there, wanting to be anywhere, rather than go home. He’d made her laugh. He’d made her feel special. Safe. Everything she needed to feel.
He’d treated her like a princess. Taking her out, buying her things, being the perfect boyfriend, but then over time she’d seen the way his moods had changed when she didn’t do something for him – small things at first, like not drinking when he wanted her to, not wearing the things he’d asked her to, not taking the coke he’d wanted her to take.
And at first, like Ellie, she’d wanted to please him, but then one night everything changed.
Wan turned to look at Milly, smiling and gesturing her inside the room. ‘Hey, Milly, good to see you – I’m glad you came, darlin’.’ He shut the door then proceeded to lock it.
She frowned. ‘You okay? What’s going on?’
‘Oh I’m fine, I just thought it was time.’
Milly shrugged. ‘What you on about?’
‘Come on, Mills, you ain’t that stupid … I just think it’s time I got to know you better, don’t you?’
Feeling uncomfortable, Milly reached for the door, but Wan stood in front of it. ‘It’s locked, Milly, and besides, no need to rush out, is there? We’ve got all night.’
Beginning to panic, Milly shook her head. ‘I … I … I’ve got to get home. My mum will go mad. She’ll go ballistic if I stay out late again.’
He stepped towards her and shrugged. ‘That’s never bothered you before; in fact, most of the time you didn’t want to go home. What’s changed?’
Milly could feel her heart racing as Wan stared at her. ‘Nothing, I just, you know, I’m tired, that’s all.’
‘Well how about I give you a massage? Help you relax – or maybe you want a couple of pills or some powder. What do you say?’
‘No, it’s fine, I’d rather go home, thanks.’ She went for the door again but again Wan blocked her.
He laughed. ‘Where you trying to go, Mills? What’s with the drama?’
‘Please, Wan, just let me out.’
He looked at her strangely. ‘Milly, you sound like I’m holding you hostage. Come on, stop. Stop being so uptight.’ He grabbed her coat and pulled her into him.
‘Wan, don’t!’
Wan’s tone became hostile as he dropped his hold. ‘Don’t? Don’t? Are you being fucking serious? You weren’t saying “don’t” when I was buying you things, when I was letting you eat in my restaurant or when you were getting your nails done. It wasn’t “don’t” then, was it? Did you really think that I was just doing all that for nothing? Did you think that I wouldn’t want anything in return, Milly? I ain’t a fucking saint and I never said I was.’
‘I didn’t think about it.’
‘Oh come on, don’t try the innocent act with me. You owe me, sweetheart. It’s all about the give and take. Ain’t no big deal.’
Milly rushed for the door again but he grabbed her, holding her by her waist, his strength overpowering her. ‘Stop playing hard to get, or is that what turns you on? You like a bit of rough?’
‘No … no, no I don’t.’
‘Jesus, Milly, lighten up, have some fun, for fuck’s sake. You never know, you might enjoy it.’
‘I just don’t want to.’
He laughed. ‘Don’t tell me this is your first time?’
Milly nodded, to which Wan said, ‘Well ain’t I the lucky one?’
She could feel his erection as he pulled her into him and she struggled as he kissed her on her neck, holding her in an embrace she couldn’t escape from.
Trembling, fear rushed through her. ‘Please, Wan, don’t, don’t!’
‘Sshhhh, Milly, stop struggling.’ He ripped at her top, pulling it off, exposing her breasts as tears rolled down her face. Then with one arm still clutched around her waist he undid his trousers, causing Milly to whimper in terror. Then, without warning, Wan slammed her against the wall.
‘I said stop. This is what you wanted from the beginning, so don’t start pretending it ain’t. I ain’t doing anything you didn’t want.’ His fingers caressed her neck as he leant in for a kiss. ‘Don’t look like that, Milly – you and me are going to have some fun. I’m only doing what boyfriends do …’
Suddenly Milly halted her thoughts; she didn’t want to think any more about that night. She still blamed herself. She should’ve known better. And she guessed it was like Wan said: how could she ever think that he wouldn’t have wanted anything in return? But that was the point – she hadn’t thought.
She’d just been so unhappy at home, so desperate not to feel miserable that it had felt good to hang out with Wan. Felt good to get his attention. So she knew. She knew exactly what Ellie was going through. She knew how Wan had made her feel. Loved, special, but most of all wanted, just when she’d needed it th
e most.
That’s why she hated Wan so much – he was a wolf disguised in sheep’s clothing. He had known how to give her and girls like Ellie enough attention, enough care to make them think that they meant something to him.
But unlike Ellie, she did have someone who loved her. Her mum. No matter how difficult it was at home, she’d always known that her mum had cared, and it was that love that had eventually let her see what Wan was giving her was as far from love as a punch in the face.
That’s why seeing her mum with Wan had been so difficult. It had messed up her head. Why would her mum want to see some scummy guy like Wan? Her dad was bad enough. Maybe that was her mum’s taste. Guys who treated her like shit. She hoped it wasn’t but why else would she be hanging out with him? She still had no idea how long her mum had been seeing him or how she knew him for that matter … Suddenly she stopped her thoughts again, not wanting to go there. It hurt too much.
And of course when it came to her and Wan, she hadn’t told her parents about what had happened with him and especially what had happened that night. And she certainly wouldn’t be doing that now. As far as they were concerned, it was just some boy she’d slept with at a party.
And as for the baby, well, she’d kept it for many reasons. At first it had been to spite her dad. He’d told her to abort it and by keeping it she felt like she was defying him, sticking two fingers up at him; whereas in fact, she’d actually hurt herself more than she’d hurt him. And by the time she’d realised what she was doing and why she was doing it, she was too far gone in her pregnancy to do anything about it.
So she’d decided to change the way she thought. She’d decided that even though Wan was the father of her baby, he or she was the good that came out of something bad, something evil, something painful. So instead of thinking of Wan when she thought of her baby, she thought of the love she’d give it, just like the love her mum had showered on her.
‘Come on, Milly, you intrigue me, darlin’. If you’re not here to whisper sweet nothings, what are you here for?’
Milly’s gaze flicked around the leather-walled room, looking at the expensive ornaments and furniture. Then she stared back at Wan. Yes, he was handsome, strong, charismatic, but she was no longer blinded by those traits. She could see him for who he was.