by Linda Ellen
For several thumping heartbeats, his eyes held hers and he seemed to be waiting…for what? When she didn’t react, his countenance seemed to wilt into complete resignation as he mumbled, “I guess I’ll let you two work this out.”
Wait…what?
Then, he turned and politely tipped his hat at Dwight. “It was nice to meet you,” he muttered before pivoting on his boot heel and exiting the room!
Her mouth dropped open in astonishment as she watched the door close. He left her. Just like that.
Well? What did you expect? He hasn’t exactly declared his love for you, you know. Like mother always says, a man’s heart doesn’t have to be engaged for his body to be in the mood. He was just toying with me. Just enjoying the moment. Kisses and cuddles with a willing participant. Immediately her eyes pricked with tears and she shut them to try and stem the flow. His departure had hurt, terribly.
“Well, I guess we see how he feels, huh?” Dwight scoffed.
Pauline whirled on him. “Oh, shut up, DJ! Just, shut up!” she cried. Slapping the fingers of one hand over her mouth at her own outburst, she dashed from the room.
Her eyes swam with liquid, impeding her flight up the stairs to the sanctuary of her bedroom and causing her to stumble more than once, even hitting her shin on the steps. When she finally reached her room, her chest heaving with intense emotion, she slammed the door for good measure.
Pressing her hands against her flushed cheeks, she looked around at the lovely chamber she had called home for four weeks. Was it only last night that Tobias had walked her to the door and they’d stood there, entwined in one another’s arms, kissing, until they heard a door open down the hall? Only last night that they had sat on the settee together, snuggling and blissful, telling one another all about their lives before they met and what their hopes and plans were for the future? Only last night that she’d thought of him as the man she was now head over heels in love with and wanted to stay with forever? In light of everything that had happened on this horrific day, it seemed like a lifetime had passed since she had risen and dressed that morning.
In despair, she flung herself onto the bed in a torrent of tears, her thoughts producing jagged shards of pain.
Tobias didn’t love her. He didn’t want to remain her husband. He didn’t want her as his wife. He had no intention of trying to stop the annulment from taking place. His kisses had been lies. His looks of affection had been nothing but physical desire. The tormenting thoughts coursing through her brain caused her such agony, she couldn’t prevent an anguished moan from escaping. If we weren’t meant to be together…why, oh why had it felt so right to be in his arms?
Never had life seemed so wretched as it did at that moment.
Toby had stomped down the front steps, fuming. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so angry and frustrated in his life—nor as miserable.
When he’d stood up during the heated argument with Pauline’s brother—after the cad had declared that Toby had no dog in the fight—Toby had stared right into her eyes, waiting…expecting her to stand up not only for him, but to join with him in defying her brother’s edicts. But, she hadn’t. She hadn’t said a word, just sat there staring up at him. Did that mean Pauline cared nothing for him? She agreed with her brother? Had she been faking the ardor of her kisses? Had she been merely toying with his affections? What kind of a woman was she to allow him to take the liberties he’d taken…albeit not the full liberties of a husband, but still…and not feel something in her heart for him?
Her brother comes to town to take her back, and in spite of her taking exception to the way he’s doing it, evidently, she intends to obey and go with him.
But…where did that leave him? What about their marriage? He’d forgotten about the dang, stupid annulment papers, never having fully intended on signing them once he had seen Pauline step off the train and into his heart and life. He had started falling in love with her that instant. And now, he was completely in love with her…
But God in Heaven—she was going back to Louisville to resume her old life, and there didn’t seem to be a dang thing he could do about it! He certainly was not going to try and make her stay if she didn’t want to.
As he strode along, confused and hurting, griping and grumbling under his breath and not caring where he was going, guilt over something Dwight had said came slashing back at him like a sharp stiletto. It was his fault that Pauline was almost killed—twice. What if he hadn’t taken his gun with him when he took her to Lover’s Vista? Lord Jesus, he didn’t even want to imagine the outcome… What if he hadn’t been fast enough with the gun? What if he’d missed? He cringed away from the image that thought conjured. What if he’d missed when he aimed for Loomis’ temple? The outlaw could have sliced into Pauline’s throat! She could have died in his arms! Lord, how would her brother have reacted if he’d arrived in town to find that out? Witnessing Dwight’s anger just now, he probably would have wanted to choke the life out of Toby—and he wouldn’t have blamed him one bit. It was good fortune that things turned out the way they had, both times. Well…skill on his part and answered prayer…but good fortune, nonetheless.
“Ahh, dangit to he—” he ground his teeth with a growl, biting off a choice word. What was wrong with him? Meeting that little gal and falling in love with her flipped my world, my brain, and my body, completely upside down. I can’t even think straight.
Looking up just then, he realized he had stomped all the way to the sheriff’s office. So, with great effort, he tore his thoughts away from his immediate problem and opened the door to go inside.
The deputies had manhandled all of the prisoners into the jail, protesting and squirming every step, and locked them away for safekeeping, and Toby knew Doc Reeves had bandaged Loomis’ head and pronounced him fit for travel. The outlaw had regained consciousness and Toby could hear him raising Cain from inside his cell down the hall.
As Toby walked in, the constable and Sheriff Dave were discussing how best to make the transfer to Platte City.
“Sheriff, I think it would work if you just lend me your deputies for the first leg of the trip,” the constable was saying. “And you stay here to take care of anything that might come up in your town, providing you have a few good men you can deputize in an emergency…” Sheriff Dave gave a nod and the constable continued, “Once in Nebraska City, I’ll have reinforcements there to help with the transfer the rest of the way. All I need to do is send a few telegrams. Is that agreeable with you?”
Sheriff Dave looked around the room at his three deputies. Keith and Phil both nodded their acquiescence. Toby chimed in, “Count me in, boss.”
Dave swung around and narrowed his sights on Toby. “You sure, son? I mean…what with your wife and all she went through today…surely she must want you to be with her—”
Toby threw up a hand to interrupt. “My wife’s brother just got here to take her back to Louisville. Looks like she’s going with him,” he blurted in a defeated monotone, effectively silencing the sheriff. Every eye in the room zeroed in on his face and he felt himself blush. He knew what they were thinking, and it made him feel blasted sixteen again. “Clumsy Toby” ain’t man enough to keep a woman happy. Evidently, his kisses hadn’t set her to melting the way he’d thought they had.
“I’ll be ready to go first thing in the morning. Right now…I guess there’s some business I need to take care of,” he mumbled as he turned toward the door, feeling every eye in the room boring into his back. As he emerged again out into the bright sunshine of midday, he resolutely headed toward Attorney David Mercer’s office. Might as well get this thing over with.
A powerful ache had taken up residence in the region of his heart, as if he’d been kicked in the chest. His whole world had been yanked out from under him and would never be the same. The way his stomach was roiling and his gut felt like he’d swallowed a bowl full of lead, he might as well have been volunteering to go to the gallows.
Yeah, I might as well at that�
��put me out of my misery.
She felt numb. Absolutely, positively, completely numb.
After the insane morning she’d had the day before—being held hostage, Tobias shooting her captor in the head just inches from her own, and then her brother arriving in town and demanding that she leave with him on the morrow’s train—she couldn’t believe it had all happened. It was like some sort of nightmare from which she couldn’t awaken…and oh how she wished things were different. Why couldn’t she just wake up and find it was the morning of the day before and none of it had actually happened?
Where was her gallant, attentive, warm, romantic husband? Once her brother had arrived, Tobias had turned into a figurative block of salt as solid as Lot’s wife! He’d not tried, even once, to tell her he had feelings for her or wanted her to stay. From his cold aloofness after Dwight’s entrance, it didn’t appear he had any feelings for her at all! How could she have been so wrong?
She had still been crying on her bed when Tobias had come to her door less than an hour after he had stalked out of the parlor. He had knocked, and told her—through the surface of the wood—that he had signed the annulment papers and all that was needed was her signature for their marriage to be as if it had never happened. That she was free to do as she pleased and he wouldn’t put up a fight.
Sitting up on the bed and swiping at her eyes, she had wanted to throw open the door and fling herself into his arms to beg him to reconsider, but pride had rescued her from making that much of a fool out of her pitiful self.
Managing to answer him with a weak, “Thank you,” she had heard his footsteps retreat down the hall and descend the stairs.
He truly has no feelings for me. With a self-deprecating huff of joyless laughter, she had shaken her head. Evidently, I’m no better than Mary at deciphering a man’s true feelings and thoughts. Tobias had me utterly fooled.
So, she had gathered her pride as well as her nerve, rose from the bed, smoothed her dress, washed her face, and gone downstairs to the parlor—where her brother had remained—to tell him that she had reconsidered and would be returning to Louisville with him on the next morning’s train. Then, she had excused herself, and sailed right out the door, head high as she asked directions, and made her way to the attorney’s office to sign the blasted papers.
“Once I get Judge Renner to sign this, that will take care of it. You’ll be a free woman again,” Attorney Mercer had said, a satisfied smile on his face as he pulled the annulment paper back toward him to blow on the ink of Pauline’s signature.
So, it was all finished.
She and Dwight had eaten dinner in the Larsen’s dining room with the other boarders, the atmosphere was decidedly uncomfortable and unusual—no one seemed inclined to converse or share about their day, and Tobias’ absence felt like a gaping hole at the table. It was obvious that everyone had heard about what had transpired—truth be told, the whole house had heard her weeping—and they were silently disapproving of the outcome. Indeed, Pauline had intercepted more than one judgmental look aimed her way. She’d spent a sleepless night lying on her bed, her hand on the cold plaster wall, achingly wondering why he hadn’t come back to his room, and torturing herself with self-recriminations while allowing every word, touch, kiss, and moment she’d spent with Tobias to parade across the window of her mind.
Now, she was no longer a married woman and she was sitting next to her brother on the train waiting for it to pull out of the station. Matter of fact, according to the grinning lawyer when he had come to the boarding house two hours later to give her the news—it was as if she had never even been married. That’s just what Tobias had said, too.
Ha. That’s what they think. I was married, and in my heart, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget that feeling. In four short weeks, my identity as Pauline Keller, wife of Deputy Keller, had become a part of me…a part of my soul. The vows I spoke had seemed so real… although I’d not yet even laid eyes on Tobias, I’d promised to love, honor, obey, and cherish him, till death do us part. She sighed softly. Well, I guess I’ll be able to let it go someday—but it will take a very long time. I know I’ll never forget him…the touch of his hand…the warmth and softness of his beard…the twinkle in those blue eyes…his thunderstruck kisses…as long as I live…
Dwight leaned over and patted her hand. “Are you all right, Pebs?”
The familiar nickname felt like a warm, welcome blanket on a cold day. Turning her head, she met her brother’s inquiring eyes and managed a faint smile. “I guess I’ll be all right, DJ…someday.”
He shook his head. “You really had feelings for him, didn’t you.” It was a statement—he knew the answer.
She looked away, fighting the tell-tale heat that was coloring her face. “I did. But, obviously, they weren’t returned.” She paused, a thought occurring to her as she glanced back at him. “Matter of fact…I’m glad you came when you did. Things might have been more…difficult…to untangle if I’d stayed much longer.”
Dwight raised one eyebrow and stared into her eyes, causing her blush to deepen. “Difficult to untangle, huh?” Then, seeming to realize what she was getting at, he let out a snort and grumbled, “That man must be a complete idiot not to appreciate what he had.”
Tears came to her eyes, unbidden, and Pauline turned away, not wishing to discuss her failed marriage anymore. It was exhausting, and she just wanted the train to get going—away from Brownville, Nebraska and everything that reminded her of him.
In a brotherly fashion, as if he knew she needed a change of topic, Dwight cleared his throat and asked, “Did you say goodbye to your friend…Mary? And the other ladies, Charise and Beth Ann Maynard, right?”
She managed a nod, dabbing at her damp, swollen eyes with her hanky. “Yes. I must say, I’m going to miss them. And Miss Martha…and Iris…and Pastor and Mrs. McKnight…” and Tad and Sherry Ann…Bridget and Shirley…Nettie…. Her breath shuddered with emotion again, her eyes filling. Oh Jesus, please help me!
He smiled in that big-brother way of his and patted her hand again. “Well, you can always write.”
“Yes, I suppose…” Except that Mary had only just started to do well in our lessons. She’s not up to writing a full letter yet, nor could she read much more than simple words. I wonder if she’ll take my suggestion and approach Miss Martha for help. I wonder if she’ll be able to find work. I wonder what will happen to her… Sherry Ann and I were going to spend the day together next weekend…Tad wanted to take me fishing at his favorite spot… Oh, so many things I’m leaving undone! I wish I didn’t have to go…
With a growl of frustration, she retrieved from her reticule the dime novel that Olivia had given her to pass the time on the trip to Brownville—it was only half finished—and tried to get her mind back on the plot of Denver Doll, The Detective Queen, and not the melodrama her own life had become.
Chapter 15
“T obias Alexander, I can’t believe you’re just going to let Pauline get on that train and go back to Louisville and not try to do anything to stop her!” his mother berated him for the third time about the highly painful subject.
“Ma, please,” he sighed wearily. “I told you. Her brother came to take her back, and she’s going. She signed the annulment papers. That’s that. It’s done. All right? Just leave it be,” he raked his hair back in exasperation with both hands and forced himself to sit with his elbows on the table, his head in his hands as he strived with everything in him to hold back the force of his emotions. He wanted to roar at the top of his lungs like a wounded lion at the injustice of it all! This marriage he had deemed made in heaven had dissolved into a puff of smoke, thereby rendering his life the exact opposite of the celestial realm. His head ached and his stomach churned. His mind and heart were a field of destruction, as if they’d been through a Kansas twister and finished off with a black powder bomb.
He hadn’t been able to make himself go back to the boardinghouse to sleep. The thought of Pauline laying
on her bed just on the other side of that wall, and yet so far out of his reach that she might as well have been back in Louisville already, made his stomach clench. So, he’d gone to his old home and asked his mother if she’d let him stay the night—even if he had to sleep on the floor. She had, of course, invited him in. Her care and concern had helped to soothe at least a bit of his wounded pride. He’d chosen not to tell her about the annulment until after breakfast.
Since Bridget and Sherry Ann shared a room, Tad had his own and he had been thrilled to share with his hero brother—even insisting that he would sleep on a pallet on the floor and give Toby the bed. Toby hadn’t had the heart to tell him that it wasn’t necessary to put himself out as it wouldn’t make much difference for him. Either way, he knew he was in for a night of lying on his back with his eyes open, staring at the moonlit ceiling, bemoaning the turn of events, and thinking of nothing but Pauline. He did his best to answer, without showing his frustration, Tad’s endless questions about the standoff in the schoolhouse.
Now, he just wished his mother would let him alone. As she started to speak again, he ground his teeth together. At least she had waited until Sherry Ann and Tad had left the room. They had both, in no uncertain terms, let him know they were decidedly not happy with the current state of his affairs. Matter of fact, they were downright put out with him. Join the club. I’m put out with life itself right now.
“Did you ask her why she signed the papers?”
“No, Ma,” he addressed the tablecloth, his fingers gripping his hair a bit harder. “Dwight was talking about how dangerous Brownville has been for Pauline. She didn’t deny it, and I couldn’t either. She didn’t say she wanted to stay. I gave her a chance; she didn’t take it. So—I signed the dad-blamed papers. She signed them. That’s it.” He hoped she would drop it. He needed to get his mind on the upcoming prisoner transfer. A distracted deputy could become a dead deputy, and he would surely be afflicted by distractions on this assignment.