by Lynn Stevens
“Besides Psych, I have American History, Political Science, and English Lit I.” He opened his laptop and powered it up. “Lit’s the hardest. There’s a lot of reading, and it’s time consuming. I listen to a lot of audiobooks just to stay on top of it.”
I stared at the top of his head as he focused on his screen. He took a full college load, plus his high school classes. How did he have the time? That was a lot of work.
“I don’t sleep a lot,” he said, as if he heard my question. “I’ve had insomnia for as long as I can remember.”
“Your brain won’t shut down long enough to sleep,” I stated, knowing that feeling. Fortunately, it wasn’t every night for me.
“Pretty much, so I study. When my eyes are too tired to stay open, I listen to the audiobooks.” He opened a book and ran his finger down a page, then started typing. “It’s weird how my eyes are tired, but I can’t fall asleep. Sometimes it feels like I’m in that weird awake sleep dreamworld. Like I know I’m not awake, but I know I’m not asleep either.” He shrugged and grimaced. “I’ve tried everything. After the whole Vicky incident, I smoked weed every night.”
I remembered hearing stories of Erik getting high all the time. Even this past summer when he showed up at a party where Vicky was with Daniel and her teammates.
He leaned forward on the table. “Before Mom put me in therapy this summer, I was... This is hard.”
I took his hand and squeezed.
“Dr. Goldstein said I needed to open up to people. Be honest. Tell them even the bad parts of me.” He squeezed back. “He called it spiraling. What I was doing. He didn’t want me to continue taking college courses this semester. Said he thought it was too much pressure. Anyway, I was starting to do more than just weed. Anything to not be me, because me was pretty miserable.”
“Is that why you broke Vicky’s ribs?” I asked, not wanting to open that can of worms but knowing I should. Maybe if I knew the reason, I could help them move on.
“I love how I get blamed for that.” He chuckled darkly. “There’s no way I threw that ball hard enough to break her ribs. She had been beaned earlier by some other pitcher. From what I heard her entire side was bruised from waist to her arm. That guy might’ve cracked a rib then.” He shook his head and closed his eyes for a minute. “I’m not saying what I did was right. I take full responsibility for intentionally throwing at her.”
“Why did you?” I asked again.
“Because I lived in a ball of anger. I still do really. Dr. Goldstein’s been great, and he’s teaching me how to control it. The anti-depressants help too, but I hate them. I feel like I’m underwater sometimes and I can’t see clearly.” He stood and started pacing the length of the patio. “I threw at her because she had humiliated me, made me feel like less of a person. I threw at her because she represented everything I hated in my life.” He stopped, kneeling beside me. “I threw at her, because I hate myself for not being good enough for anybody.”
I grabbed his face and kissed him gently. “I know how you feel.”
“You do?”
I nodded. “You’ve met my father. I don’t have a penis, so I don’t rate as a human.”
Erik stood and pulled me with him, hugging me like he couldn’t get close enough. “I’m glad you don’t have a penis.”
I started laughing. If people saw this side of him, they’d like him so much more. I tried to remember Erik B.V. (before Vicky) and I couldn’t. Not really. I remembered his face. I remembered him always being around. But who he was, that was something that I just couldn’t recall.
He kissed my temple. “I’ve spent my life trying to be good enough for my father and my mother. As much as I appreciate Mom forcing me into therapy, she didn’t do it for me so much as for herself. Dad flat out refused for the same reasons Mom insisted. They just want to keep up appearances.” He leaned back and brushed my hair off my forehead. “Like tonight, they both hate the Coopertons, but they went to their dinner party anyway. It’s all about looking like the perfect family.”
“You’re totally not perfect,” I said, causing Erik to raise an eyebrow. “Perfect doesn’t exist. I love your flaws. You get pissed, but you work to control it. You show this cocky self-assurance when you’re actually a nice guy. You tap your pencil when you read. You bite your lip when you’re thinking about kissing me and before you do kiss me. You type like the keys are on fire. You hide your true self from the world even though you’re amazing.” I smiled and stared into his gaze. “You kiss me like I’m going to break. You hold me like I’m precious. You like me for me.”
“You’ve noticed all those things about me?” he asked, his fingers digging gently into my lower back.
“Well, yeah. Once I got to know the real you, even a little, I started paying attention.” I moved my arms around his neck and pulled his head down to mine. “But we really need to talk about the pencil tapping.”
Erik laughed and pressed his lips to my forehead. “I think you’re pretty amazing, too.” He kissed my cheek. “Hey, girlfriend, can I tell you something?”
“Yes, boyfriend,” I said as he kissed along my jaw.
“Not to sound all caveman or anything, but you’re mine.”
I tilted my head back as he moved to my neck. “Oh yeah, I’m totally yours.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Vicky met me at my locker the next morning. She eyed Erik warily, but she didn’t storm off. It felt like a good old Western showdown, only without the guns. They stared at each other, glared is more like it, but Erik was trying to keep his cool. Vicky was trying not to jump down his throat. It was intense.
“I’m sorry,” Erik finally said to her. He squeezed my hand, and I returned the gesture. “I... I never should’ve thrown at you. And I’m sorry if you believe I told everyone about our physical coupling last year. I didn’t, but I understand why you might have thought I did.”
“Physical coupling?” Vicky raised her eyebrows and a smirk emerged. “Is that we’re calling it?”
He shrugged and matched her expression. “Sounds better.”
“You’re such a dork,” I said, pumping his hip.
He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “When we get to that point, I’ll call it something much more suitable, like making love.”
My blush must’ve been bright because Vicky stared at me and pointed at her own cheeks. I ducked my head. The burning only intensified.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive and forget yet,” Vicky said. “I’m willing to try to move on because I miss my best friend.”
My head shot up. I dropped Erik’s hand and threw my arms around Vicky. I missed her too, even if I’d had several epiphanies over the last few weeks about our friendship. It still wasn’t something to just throw away with the trash. “I miss you, too. But I’m not giving him up.”
“I get that,” she said as we broke apart. She looked at Erik and took a deep breath. “I’m not going to lie either. Daniel hates you and will always hate you.”
Erik held up his hands. “I promise to do nothing to intentionally rock the boat.”
“Fair enough.” Vicky turned to me. “Can we have lunch together tomorrow? I have to meet with the counselor today about my college essay. Apparently she thinks I paid someone to do it for me.”
“Sure, I think Erik can live without me hovering over him in the library.”
He threw his arm over my shoulder, tugging me against him. “Well, if you see a puddle of goo at my usual seat, you’ll know I died a gruesome death of loneliness.”
I rolled my eyes at him. His smile lit my heart. I never wanted to see him not smile. It was beautiful and the world should see it. The world should see him.
Vicky didn’t say anything. It was going to take a while, but they both agreed to at least try. Maybe it would work out. Maybe those bad feelings wouldn’t go away. Maybe at the end of senior year, we’d all go our separate ways. A pang shot through my heart. Maybe we wouldn’t. I didn’t know what the futu
re held for any of us, but I wanted us to always be together.
No matter how impossible that might seem.
“Deeper,” Rex snapped.
I did as instructed, squatting deeper. My thighs burned. Sweat coated my face and soaked through my shirt.
“Good,” Rex said swinging his putter in his hand.
“You’re a masochist,” I said as I stood. Rex just grinned. “Why are you smiling like that?”
“Oh, a little birdie flew by and paid me your entry few to next weekend’s tournament.” His grin widened. “Little birdie was your mom, by the way. She seems pretty stressed out.”
“A lot’s been going on,” I said. Rex did not need to know all the intimate details of my life. Mom came through with the fee after all. Maybe she’d be home tonight, and we could talk. “It’s complicated.”
Rex put his hand on my shoulder. “Kid, I couldn’t even begin to image what you’re going through, but if you need an ear, you’ve got mine.”
“Thanks,” I said smiling at him. “I appreciate that.”
“As long as you know.” He pointed with the putter to the putting green. “Now, let’s work on your short game. There are some tough greens on the course this weekend. I know you already know that, but I want a plan of attack.” He nodded behind him to the office. “I’ve got a game plan in the office. By Monday, I’ll have one for next weekend’s course too.”
“Game plan?” I asked as we walked toward the green.
“Yep.” He stopped at the edge and tossed a ball randomly on the green. “If you know the inclines, the dips, the ridges, you’ll have a better idea when you tee off at each hole. Now,” he pointed to the ball, “get it in with one putt.”
We worked on the green for an hour. My arms and shoulders burned, as usual. It felt good. I loved working out. I loved being active. And I loved this game.
“You’re going to kick some serious ass this Saturday,” Rex said as we sat in his office. We’d just gone over the report of the course. Nothing I didn’t already know. I’d played at the club enough to know every nook and cranny, every slope and dip. “I can’t wait to watch.”
“Watch? I thought you were going to be my caddy,” I said before chugging half my bottle of water.
“Yeah, I talked to your mom to see if she thought I might be a distractions, but she suggested that I come anyway.” Rex leaned back in his chair and put his feet on the desk. “I know we agreed I’d caddy you at the next tournament, but I thought you might not want me around this weekend considering.”
“Actually, I’d appreciate it.” I swallowed hard. “My dad’s not... supportive. I could really use somebody who’ll support me out there.”
“But he’s your partner?”
“Only because my brother told Dad no. I was a second and last minute choice.” I picked at the label on the water bottle. “If Brendan hadn’t insisted Dad take me, I think he would’ve dropped out of the tournament all together.”
“Why?” Rex sounded truly perplexed.
“Because it’s the father son tournament. I don’t have the right sex organs.” I pulled the label off and started shredding it.
“Your father is a moron.” Rex snapped back up and stared at me across the desk. “I wouldn’t have considered coaching you if you didn’t have what it takes. To be honest, I’m enjoying my retirement. I don’t coach anybody else unless it’s for profit. That’s my job now. But, Andrea, you have a gift. You shouldn’t be wasting it because your dad is a dick.”
I laughed at that. “You’ve never even met him.”
“No, but I’ve met enough guys like him.” He leaned back again, putting his feet on the desk. “Besides, these father son tournaments are about bringing in money for the course, not the actual game. If I wanted to play with some random player, they’d let me.”
“They’d let you play regardless.” I said throwing my empty water bottle at him. “You’re Rex Vargas.”
Rex laughed. “Damn straight. And don’t you forget it.”
I drove home in a haze of happiness. Vicky was going to try to get along with Erik, and we were going to work on being friends again. Rex was going to the tournament on Saturday just to support me. I’d never had anybody do that for me before. It was surreal.
A strange car blocked my spot in our driveaway. I parked beside it, wondering who in the world would be at the house this late. When I walked inside, a quite murmuring came from the dining room. I followed the sound, dropping my bag on the floor by the door.
Mom sat at the head of the table with stacks of paper spread out in front of her. Empty plates scattered in the empty space to her right. On her left was a man I’d never seen before. His thinning hair was brown-ish red. The narrow nose and pale skin looked vaguely familiar. Mom smiled when I came into the room.
“Andrea, this is Andrew Van Dyke,” she said pointing between us.
It dawned on me why he looked vaguely familiar. “Elise’s dad?”
“Uncle, but I get that a lot. Her father Scott and I are twins.” Mr. Van Dyke stood and shook my hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Andrea.”
“You too.” I glanced between them and at the papers. “What’s going on?”
Mom inhaled sharply. “Andy, can we have a moment?” He nodded and strolled out of the room. Mom pointed to the seat Mr. Van Dyke vacated and I sat down. “Remember the firm I was interning for? That’s Andy’s firm. His brother Scott hired me to work in their corporate law division. Once ...” She closed her eyes briefly. “Your father refuses to go to therapy. He doesn’t want things to change, but I can’t live like this anymore. I’m filing for divorce. Andy’s going to represent me. Once it’s finalized, I’ll leave Scott’s firm and join Andy at his practice. Things will get back on track, but it’s not going to be easy.”
“What... you and dad are getting a divorce?” I held up my hand. This was too much too fast. I got it, but Mom had said she wanted to work it out or at least try. “It’s been a week.”
“I know, sweetie,” She put her hand over mine, but I pulled away. “I have been at his brother’s every night trying to convince him to start therapy, to make an effort.” She tucked her hand under the table. “He won’t listen. I’m hoping it won’t come to divorce, but maybe he’ll see I’m serious. He needs to work on making this family his priority and not his damn image.”
I raised my eyebrows. “So you’re filing for divorce, but you want to actually avoid divorce?”
“If I can, but ... I don’t know if that’s going to happen.” She sighed and put her elbows on the table, leaning toward me. “I can’t be the only one invested in this marriage. You understand that, right?”
I nodded slowly because I kind of did. When she put it that way, it reminded me why I’d put my foot down with Vicky. The difference was Vicky wanted to try to fix our friendship. I wasn’t sure Dad was willing to try anything to be with his family. Even though I knew this was a possibility, it still hurt.
“Andrea?” Mom asked again putting her hand over mine.
I looked away from her and stared at the ceiling. “I just... I wasn’t expecting this.” Tears slopped down my cheeks. Questions streamed out of me. “Do you think he’ll wake up and realize you’re serious? If he doesn’t, how long will it take? Will he fight it? Does Brendan know? What’ll happen to us?”
“Financially, we’re on better ground already. I kept my checking account I had before I met your father. He’s never had access, but it didn’t have much in it. My trust fund doesn’t have much left now, but there’s still enough to get a few more things straight before I start working and my parents gave us enough money to right the ship so to speak. In a few months, we’ll be back to somewhat normal.”
I nodded, because none of it made sense and she needed to know I thought it did. She had said we were broke. I started shaking me head.
“I used what was left in my trust to pay off the bills, including paying off your car and your brother’s car. There’s still substantia
l debt to contend with in terms of the credit cards, but I’m dealing with it. More than half of that debt is your father’s. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. It’s still a hole to dig out of.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Your brother doesn’t know yet. I plan on calling him later this evening. And as to how your father will react, I can’t tell you.” Her shoulders drooped. “He’s not the man I married anymore. I don’t even know him.”
I stood and walked around the table to hug her. Despite anything I was feeling, this was harder on her than it was on me. I had never really had my father. But at one point, he’d been the love of her life. She promised to love him until death do us part. What happened to them? Why do adults have to turn into such assholes? For years, I couldn’t stand my mother. She worked so hard to be everything Dad wanted. She shopped with the girls. She went to the spa. At some point, she realized that wasn’t enough and started going to school to get her law degree. She worked hard to make herself happy. It almost felt like this was the final step for that to really happen.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I said as she started crying in my arms. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” she whispered.
No, it wasn’t, but I was so blinded by not wanting to be like her that I hadn’t realized I’d been following her lead all these years. We were both changing for the better, both taking control over our lives. I’d never felt closer to her than in that moment. Mom was stronger than anybody I’d ever met. I just prayed I’d grow up to be just like this version of her.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lunch was quiet until Vicky poked my side with her freshly manicured nail. She’d painted them peach. I actually liked it. Normally Vicky went with red or blues. It was a nice change. The last time I had a mani-pedi was before school started. My nails looked like shit.
“What’s going on?” she asked, before poking me again. “I know this has nothing to do with Perday, so don’t bullshit me. Or are you pissed he got a lunch time suspension?”