by M J Hardy
“So, you think your job in the local supermarket qualifies then? Wake up Esme and accept who you are. We’re not like them. We don’t have the qualifications to compete with them, or the money. We are just here because our old house shot up in value and that’s it, end of story, no big deal. But ever since we came here, you think we should be something we’re not. These people won’t care what we do to earn our money, it’s who we are as people that count and you’re desperately trying to be something you’re not and I’ve had enough.”
I stare at him in amazement as he actually glowers at me, looking as if he hates me. I take an actual step back as I feel the force of his anger completely directed at me and he growls, “I mean it, Esme, this stops now. We are who we are and they will have to accept that. Don’t believe for a second they are better than us because that little stunt earlier with your so-called privileged friend across the road, shows me you are way better than her where it counts. So what if they have more money than us? Who cares if they drive more expensive cars and eat out all the time? I don’t. I only care about you and the boys and if you change, I may stop caring—for you.”
The hurt must show in my expression because he moves towards me and takes me in his arms, saying gently, “I love you, Esme, I’ve loved you for a very long time but I don’t like you very much at the moment. Don’t become someone I won’t like being around, because I kind of miss my funny, beautiful wife who would wrestle bears if it meant making her family happy. I don’t like this super woman who is trying to be something she thinks others want her to be. I love you, every annoying part of you, so show me where that girl is who used to attack me when I came home at night. I kind of miss her you know, and this isn’t much fun without her.”
The tears fall as I learn a valuable lesson. The only person I need to impress is the man looking at me with love in his eyes. The only person I need approval from is the man who smells like diesel and hard beginnings, and the only people whose opinions count are the two little boys who have been locked in their room to finish their homework or lose all privileges.
I feel ashamed of myself and look up at the husband I adore and say sadly, “I’m sorry, babe. You’re right, I’m behaving like a bitch, in fact I’m a robo-bitch and you’re right to remind me of that.”
He leans down and captures my words with his lips, and I taste forgiveness and a passion that has stood the test of time. Why did I want to make him into someone I never fell in love with? Where’s the sense in that when I had perfection already?
As I vow to be a better wife, better mother and better person, I look around my immaculate kitchen and see no soul. There is no heart to this place and no memories to cling onto. This house, unlike our previous one, doesn’t hold snapshots of our journey, it’s a blank canvas waiting for the paint to fall. We will make important decisions that affect our lives in this kitchen, and we won’t lose sight of the people we were when we got here. I feel ashamed that I wanted to be anything else and so I pull back and laugh softly. “Do you have the number for Deliveroo, babe?”
Lucas smiles and the sun comes out. There he is. The man I fell in love with, my best friend and the father of my children. Why did I ever think I would be happy with someone who would be a poor imitation of this amazing man standing covered in grease and an honest day’s work? I’m a fool and I admit it.
As Lucas heads off to shower and change, my eyes are drawn to the window of the house behind us. What’s going on behind those shutters? It strikes me that people who cause us to think about our shortcomings give us the greatest gift of all. Knowledge and not being afraid to stand up for who you are. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Maybe it was bad of me to pass the burden of something that bothers me onto someone else. Ironically, it’s the very people who make the most fuss we turn to in a crisis. It was easy to heap the burden of what I saw onto the Wickham’s shoulders, but was it fair?
It’s as if I’ve seen the light and decide that first thing in the morning, I will deal with this problem myself. It’s time to take charge and not be afraid of the consequences. If I’m wrong and nothing is going on there, I would rather be found foolish that proved right. If I did nothing and there was someone being held prisoner in that house, I would be no better than the person holding them there. After all, true evil is found in those who look away and do nothing to help. I won’t be that person and I’ll make my family proud.
Chapter 30
Nancy
As I draw the curtains on an extraordinary day, I steal a look at the house with the pretty pink door. Is there somebody who’s being held prisoner inside? Are they desperate for help and what is the room with the camera for? I feel unsettled and afraid because Ryan is teetering on the edge of darkness. He’s shown a side to him that no mother wants to see, and his desires are walking a fine line between right and wrong.
Adrian stands in the doorway and watches me, and I feel a prickle of alarm run through my veins as I sense change coming.
He appears to be searching for words and spinning around, I can tell I’m not wrong as he throws me an agonised look and says softly, “We need to talk.”
My heart thumps as I sit on the bed and he crosses the room, sitting beside me but not taking my hand as I would have expected. He falters and seems anxious and I struggle to breathe because this is unusual. What is he going to say?
“I’m sorry, Nancy.”
“For what?”
“For not being truthful.”
“What do you mean?” My voice quivers and I look at him, waiting for answers and dreading hearing them at all. Is it better not to know something that may break you, or is it best to break and then find the strength to rebuild something worth keeping hold of?
He looks at his hands and says wearily, “I’m moving out.”
“What?”
I almost doubt my hearing because I never expected this.
He shrugs and won’t look at me as he mumbles, “I’m moving to Eastbourne, there’s a flat there I can use until we sell the house and we can share the equity.”
“Are you kidding me, Adrian, what the hell are you talking about?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing and feel as if I’m in a room with a stranger as he shrugs and says wearily, “It’s over. In fact, it’s been over for some time, but we haven’t admitted it. I thought the new job, our new home, would change everything but we just brought all our old baggage with us. Nothing has changed, just our address. You are still the boring housewife you became and I’m the poor sap who pays for it all, getting nothing back in return. Well, it’s over, I’ve had enough.”
My blood boils with every word he speaks. Boring housewife, how dare he?
“Boring! You have the audacity to call me boring? If I am, I learned that lesson from you.” I laugh bitterly.
“Well, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t know what is. Boring, you’re a fine one to talk. You are every bit as much to blame as me in all this, and now you’re leaving because I’m boring.”
I feel so angry I could batter him to death with my fists. I’m so worked up I can’t control the thoughts spinning in my mind. Me - boring, he has got to be kidding.
He stands and shakes his head as if disappointed by my outburst.
“I can see you’re emotional so I’ll just go now. I’ll be in touch when you’ve calmed down a little. You see, Nancy, I stopped loving you a long time ago. I just never had the strength to do something about it. Well, I’ve found what I’m looking for and it’s time to draw a line under this soulless marriage.”
“What do you mean, found what?”
My voice falters as I face the possibility there is someone else involved in this. Has he met someone else, is he leaving me for another woman?
“You cheated on me?”
The derision on his face causes me to question my sanity as he nods slowly. “I found someone who you could never measure up to. I found someone who accepts me for who I am and never judges me. I found a life I
can’t believe was there all the time and even in my darkest hour could have pulled me through. To answer your question, Nancy, the thing, the person, the entity I found, is God.”
He turns on his heels and leaves the room, and my jaw hits the floor. Religion. Adrian is leaving me for religion. How can I possibly compete with that?
When I wake the next morning, I try to act as if nothing is different. I go about my morning routine and paint a brave face on when I fix the boys their breakfast. Adrian has normally left by now anyway, so nobody will be any the wiser. I will explain his absence as a business trip, allowing me time to formulate a plan before it becomes public knowledge. How on earth can I tell anyone what Adrian is leaving for? They will never understand, I’m not sure I do. Surely God would disapprove of a man leaving his wife and kids—for him? It doesn’t make sense, and I can only imagine that Adrian is having some sort of mid-life crisis that will be resolved as quickly as it came. Maybe I should invent a longer trip because I’m confident he will see sense when solitary life bites. So, the decision that came to me in the early hours is to do nothing at all and just ride the wave until it dies away. There will be no question of this pulling me under, if I’m sure of anything it’s that.
Just after ten, the doorbell rings and my heart races as I wonder who it is. Adrian? But why wouldn’t he use his key?
Quickly, I rush to answer it and see Jasmine looking anxious on the doorstep. In fact, the closer I look, the worse she looks and I say fearfully, “What’s happened?”
Her eyes are bloodshot and her hand is trembling as she tries to stop it by clasping it in her other hand. Her hair is wild and her make-up smudged, appearing as if she’s been up all night. Quickly, I open the door and pull her inside, my own problems pushed aside for somebody who looks in need of help.
“What’s happened?”
I wonder if it’s something to do with her ex-husband, but she says, “I don’t feel that well. To be honest, Nancy, I’m a mess.”
Steering her towards the kitchen, I flick on the kettle and settle her in the comfy chair by the window. “Tell me everything.”
She puts her head in her hands and sobs, which surprises me more than anything.
“I think I’m an addict.”
I stare at her in disbelief as she cries hard and I drop to my knees and take her hands. “What makes you think that?”
“It all got on top of me and I started taking pills I researched on the internet for depression. They seemed to do the trick, but I found I could only cope if I took one a day. As things got worse, I took more and then more. Work was a bastard and now Matt’s found us, I’m afraid of the consequences. Liam is threatening to leave me if I carry on taking the pills, and I’d kill myself if he did. I gave up everything for him and what if he’s telling the truth, what if he leaves me? I’ll have no one, he’s all I want, just him. You’ve got to help me, Nancy, I need to shape up for him.”
I feel so angry, upset and sorry for my friend and say fervently, “Correction, Jasmine, you need to shape up for only one person—you. Don’t let other people dictate your actions, do them because it’s best for you, not them. If Liam leaves, he wasn’t worth holding onto in the first place. I’ll help you beat the habit, but you’ve got to help me too.”
“How?”
“Make it happen, don’t waver and stay strong. Together we will beat this addiction and it starts by getting professional help. Make an appointment with your doctor and we’ll go together.”
She looks at me through troubled eyes and I see a little of her fire returning and my heart settles. Yes, I’ll help Jasmine and she will help me without knowing it. Together we will get through our problems and emerge on the other side better people for it.
I make the tea and try to calm her down until she visibly relaxes and looks at me gratefully.
“Thanks Nancy, you’re a true friend.”
“I’m trying to be.”
I smile through my tears and relegate my own problems to the bottom of the pile.
Suddenly, Jasmine sits up straight and says in a loud voice, “Oh my god, I almost forgot.”
“What?”
I stare at her in surprise as she jumps up and looks behind her at number 9. “I found out something that could hold the answers to what’s happening over there. Come on, we need to round up the others. You grab Esme and meet me at the Wickham’s. We need to agree how we’re going to handle this, it’s bigger than us all.”
As I follow her out, I sense more change coming. What does she know and will I wish she never told me? I’m beginning to realise I like my head buried in the sand. It’s certainly an easier place to live, with none of the complications of having to make decisions that could backfire in a devastating way.
Chapter 31
Jasmine
The last twenty-four hours have been emotional, tiring and interesting. I know I’m losing control; I have been for some time. I thought I could deal with everything, but as it turns out—I can’t. Leaving Matthew was a decision I didn’t make lightly because up until Liam and I started our affair, I was happy. I suppose I thought that was what love was, steady and predictable. But Liam, well, he proved otherwise.
Since I first met him, we always got on. He was Matthew’s older brother, not by many years, and we shared a quick wit and a love of extremes. Matthew liked nothing more than taking things carefully and slowly, but Liam was the complete opposite and was always arranging evenings out and weekends away doing things like paint balling and skydiving. I loved that about him, and he found a willing companion in me.
Liam had many girlfriends and I always envied them his time. We used to hear them at night when we went away for weekends as a group and Matthew used to joke about it, but I remember lying next to him listening to the sounds coming from the next room. Liam has never done anything by halves, and sex is no exception. His girlfriends always appeared exhausted at breakfast the next morning, but Liam just seemed invigorated. He was charismatic and interesting, and so when he whispered in my ear at a party one evening to follow him outside, there was no hesitation on my part.
I expect we had too much to drink, but that’s only an excuse. As soon as we were out of sight of the house, he pressed me against the wall and told me he loved me. I was shocked, horrified, and so turned on I couldn’t think straight. My brother-in-law. It was forbidden and intoxicating, and I couldn’t say no.
That evening Liam and I had sex against the wall with his brother and family inside. Afterwards, I felt dirty and cheap, but so alive. Over the next few months, we met more regularly and our affair became bigger than both of us. We were on a destructive path and there was only ever going to be one outcome. A wreckage.
I’m not proud of what we did. Tore apart their family and stepped away from the wreck.
We walked away leaving utter devastation behind and have made a new life for ourselves here in Meadow Vale. Liam’s family has disowned him and even his mother wants nothing to do with us—him. Now Matthew has discovered where we live, I suppose it’s only a matter of time before the inevitable confrontation occurs.
It’s no wonder I’m unravelling like a loose thread caught in a door. I’m failing at work, distracted and not playing my best game. I’m reliant on pills to get me through the day, and Liam’s patience is wearing thin. He gave up everything for me and I’m scared he will conclude it wasn’t worth it, so I must get a grip and shape up because I don’t have any other choice.
Now I’m heading to Keith and Sandra with news that will rock everyone’s world. We were right to be concerned and we were foolish to leave this so long. What’s going on behind the pretty pink door could be the stuff of nightmares.
I knock on their door, feeling my heart steadily thumping inside me. What will they think? Will they agree to assist me with what I know is the right thing to do?
As Sandra opens the door, she throws me a disapproving look and my heart sinks. I know I look a mess and no doubt the drama from yesterday is fr
esh on her mind, but I can’t dwell on that.
So, I just say urgently, “I’m sorry to bother you, Sandra, but please may I have a word with you and Keith. I’ve asked Nancy and Esme to join us, I hope you don’t mind.”
“What’s going on, why the urgency?”
“I’ll tell you when the others get here, please Sandra, I wouldn’t ask unless it was important.”
Reluctantly, she steps aside to let me in and I feel like a piece of filth as I follow her into her kitchen. Keith is reading the newspaper and looks up in surprise and as soon as he sees me a flicker of distaste passes across his face and he says coolly, “Jasmine.”
I can feel their disapproval which ordinarily wouldn’t bother me but I’m quickly realising it does because for all their annoying ways, I do respect my elderly neighbours and know they are good people at heart. I feel bad that I’ve ridiculed and gossiped about them to anyone who would listen, and as if from nowhere, I say breathlessly, “I’m sorry.”
They just look at me in surprise and I sigh heavily. “You must think I’m an awful person. I’ve not exactly been the best neighbour to you and I apologise for that. What happened yesterday was out of my control, but you deserve an explanation at least.”
Sandra shakes her head and looks across at Keith before saying firmly, “Jasmine, your business is just that—your business. Contrary to what you may think, we don’t need to know the details. Keith and I haven’t lived a sheltered life all these years and whatever reason you had for what you did, must have been a good one. If you don’t mind, we would rather not hear the details because we’re not people who revel in other people’s misfortunes. Yes, I felt sorry for that man yesterday, who wouldn’t but I’m also aware there are things that happen in life that are unplanned and not always ethical. Just know we are very private people and would be hypocrites if we expected any less from our neighbours.”