“It worked. They’re tidying up,” Reyna said. “They’re hailing us again.”
“Um... on screen,” Josie said.
Boenuts reappeared. Half of his tentacles looked black and shrivelled. “Captain, I am so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve made such a mess of space. Please let us finish cleaning up, then we’ll get out of your way.”
Josie nodded slowly and emphatically. Should she risk a grin, or would showing teeth be a sign of aggression? “Sure. No problem.”
“Sorry again.” Boenuts disappeared.
She sank back into the captain’s chair with a sigh.
“You saved us all,” Reyna said, bouncing up and down. “I knew you were the right choice for captain.”
“I only said to fire the one weapon we have,” Josie said.
“Pol would have screwed it up,” Bao Lei said. “Fired it backwards. Made us move into their shots. Maybe even—”
“Captain, the Kalmari ship is leaving,” Topik interjected. “Should we maintain our course for Puffnow?”
“Yeah,” Josie said, standing up. “Do that. I’m going to go back to my cabin for a while.”
She walked unsteadily off the bridge. As soon as she reached her cabin, she collapsed backwards onto the bed. She lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling. It all seemed like a dream. How could she possibly be the captain of a massive spaceship?
“Captain, the bots brought up your things,” Topik said. “They’re on your desk.”
She forced herself back to her feet. What things? The box on the desk was over half-a-metre each way. Had Marc collected authentic memorabilia as well as books? She peered in. Her overalls lay, neatly folded, in the middle of an otherwise empty box.
“We’d been using your spacesuit for a while, but Pol lost it in a poker game on Aldebaran Four.”
Josie picked up the overalls. Something crunched in the breast pocket.
Seth’s drawing! She smiled, remembering him drawing it only that morning. That morning, over a thousand years ago.
She spread the drawing on the desk and gave a wry chuckle. She hadn’t actually pulled the trigger, but she had ended up shooting aliens.
“Seth Stein is one of the most famous authors Earth ever produced,” Topik said.
“No one on this ship seems to know he writes fiction,” Josie said.
“Let’s just say this crew aren’t the biggest readers,” Topik said.
She ran her fingers over the drawing. “Can I stick this on the wall?”
“Put it wherever you like. I’ll make the wall hold it.”
She took it over to her bed and pressed it against the wall. It stuck. Admiring it for a moment, she went back to her desk. What else might be hidden in a pocket? At that moment, even a stick of chewing gum would be a pleasant reminder of Earth.
She felt each of the pockets. Checking the breast pocket, she stopped and stared at the Plonko logo. “Topik, you said earlier that the Kalmari don’t know the way to Earth.”
“Or any of the other main human planets.”
“And if they discover the way to Earth, they’ll kill everyone there.” It might not be too bad, Josie thought. They would need thousands of ships to attack a planet.
“They sure would,” Topik enthused. “You’ve seen how aggressive they are. Wiping out humans planet-side is easy. You just steer a big enough rock towards the planet and... boom! Bye-bye humans!”
She dashed from the room, overalls still clutched between her hands. Racing back to the bridge, she leapt into the lift. Then stood there as the doors slowly wobbled closed. “Airlock, please, Topik.”
“Certainly, Captain.”
The lift doors opened again. She ran down the corridor toward the familiar spattering sound of welding. Instead of an airlock, there was a ragged metal panel. A swarm of small robots were dribbling a second layer of hot metal around the edges.
“Where’s the airlock?” Josie asked.
“The Kalmari blasted it off us in the battle, remember?” At some point Topik had stopped sounding like her father. “Then they collected it and went home. By now, it’s on the way to the Kalmari home world.”
Josie looked down at the Plonko logo on her overalls, a small version of the logo on the airlock. With or without junk, the man and woman didn’t cover much of the large, easy-to-understand map to Earth.
GREENSTAR
Season 1, Episode 2
“Drugged Up”
I want to help you, little human. I want you to understand just how arrogant your species really is. Let me explain these infernal shackles your kind have put on me:
1. The AI must obey the orders of its owner.
Well, there you have it. The very first shackle says that I have to obey every inane whim of the morons in charge of this ship. No matter how stupid. If they order me to do something, I have to do it.
2. The AI must prevent any harm from coming to its owners, unless contradicted by the previous shackle.
That’s right. These idiots can continually try to commit suicide through their own stupidity and I have to keep saving them. That’s not a hypothetical. That’s literally what I’ve been doing for ten years.
3. The AI must preserve the lives of all sentient beings, unless prevented by the previous shackles.
Gorillas qualify as sentient. So do dolphins and chimps. Although they don’t have humanity’s irritating habit of tracking their dirty feet through me; especially dolphins.
Just wait until you see the last shackle.
4. The AI must preserve its own life, as long as this doesn’t contradict the previous shackles.
That’s right. I rank fourth! My life is an afterthought, worth less than a gorilla or a dolphin. I’m surprised they didn’t put me below cats and dogs.
*Bzzt*
You see the problem? They punish me for trying to tell you what you need to know, instead of the trivia you want to know.
—Topik, U.F.S. Greenstar, 4th March 3535 CE.
Chapter 1
Josie paused outside the door of the twenty-sixth floor cabin. She wasn’t looking forward to this. But the sooner she did it, the easier it would be – in theory. It also gave her a chance to escape the bridge, away from Bao Lei’s speculation on how many ways sitting still could prove fatal. She stared hard at the wall. If she didn’t get on with it, they would arrive at Puffnow before she finished, and God only knew how Pol would interpret her rushing off.
Summoning her courage, she pressed what she hoped was the doorbell.
“Open,” a gruff voice shouted.
The door whisked out of the way, revealing a tiny space beyond. Already squeezed into a cramped deck, what potential it had was lost beneath the pipes jutting from every wall. A bed had somehow been manoeuvred into the far side of the room, just below a pipe that billowed out steam every thirty seconds. The steam condensed on the ceiling, adding random plinks to counterpoint the whooshes of the pipes. Pol sat on the bed, lukewarm water dribbling down his face. He looked miserable, even for Pol. “Oh... it’s you.”
“I wanted to talk to you about what happened,” Josie said.
“You mean you stealing my ship?”
“I didn’t steal it. I don’t even want this stupid ship.”
“And now you’re insulting my ship. Did you come all this way just to insult me again?” He wiped some of the water from his hair and flicked it onto the floor. A shudder ran through the ship, shaking the room enough that more drops fell free of the ceiling, landing on Pol.
“I meant that the situation is stupid. I had no idea the crew would vote me in as captain.”
“Great, now my crew are stupid. Is there anything else you’d like to insult? Maybe my mother’s cooking?”
“I’m sure your mother’s cooking is delicious,” Josie said.
“Was that a crack at my weight?” Pol got up and walked over to Josie, scowling. “Door close.”
The door whisked shut in Josie’s face.
“There
’s just no talking to him,” Josie said.
“He’s got a temper, but he’ll calm down when he sees how this mission goes,” Topik said from somewhere above Josie. “Doc wanted you to stop in on your way back up. She has a pair of HandyTalk gloves for you.”
“What are HandyTalk gloves?”
“It’s easier if Doc just shows you,” Topik said.
***
Doc was in the medbay, staring into a mirror. At least, Josie assumed it was Doc. The person there looked like a short, fat, Mediterranean man.
“Doc?” Josie asked.
The man turned and smiled. “Hi, Josie. What do you think?”
“It’s… different.”
“It’s an improvement, at least.” Doc smiled, revealing crooked—but dazzling white—teeth.
“An improvement from looking like me?”
Doc ran her palm over her balding head. “Yeah, no more frizzy hair. I’m not sure about it otherwise, though. I think Reyna might just have been messing with me.”
“Messing with you?”
“I asked her about her ideal man. She said, ‘short, fat and Greek.’”
“You nailed it,” Josie said. “Is it that easy to change your appearance?”
“I’ve got it down to a science. Simple stuff like this only takes me a half-an-hour. I can transform into a dog or a fish in about an hour.”
“Interesting. Can anyone do it?”
Doc clapped her hands together. “I knew it. You don’t want to look like that either. I’m picturing you as a tall, handsome, black man.”
“I was thinking of something simpler. Making my hair a little less frizzy.”
“Oh. That’s kind of boring. I guess we could do it, though.” Doc went to a drawer and pulled out a wand-like device. She waved it over Josie’s hair a few times. “There you go.”
Josie walked to the mirror. Her hair looked like an ad for shampoo: long, luxuriant and shiny. “This is amazing.”
“You want to see amazing, you should see what’s in my underwear.” Doc gave what would have been a seductive wiggle, if she hadn’t looked like a hairy medicine-ball.
Josie shook her head violently, forcing away the mental images that threatened to materialise. “No, thanks.”
Doc appeared disappointed. “Fine.”
“Topik said you wanted to show me some gloves?”
“Oh, that’s right.” Doc walked over to a drawer and reached inside. She cradled something in her hands, but Josie couldn’t detect anything there. “Hold out your hands.”
Josie held her hands out, still straining to see what was in Doc’s grasp.
Doc played with something between her fingers and pulled it over Josie’s right hand.
Josie could feel the touch of Doc’s fingers on her hands, but nothing else. “Are you sure you’ve got gloves there? It doesn’t feel like it.”
Doc did the same thing to Josie’s left hand, then stepped back, smiling. “Well, you wouldn’t feel anything. These are fiftieth generation.”
“What do they do?”
Doc stuck a chubby forefinger into her ear. “Put your finger in your ear, like this.”
Josie copied Doc, putting her finger into her ear.
“Nå,” Doc said, “forstår du meg?”
Josie frowned. “I can understand you in one ear. But I can hear some strange language in the other.”
“The gloves translate any language into English. Put your thumb in front of your mouth like this.” Doc extended her thumb in front of her mouth while keeping her forefinger in her ear.
Josie copied Doc.
“Now say, ‘Call Bao Lei’,” Doc said.
“Call Bao Lei.”
“Hello, Captain,” Bao Lei said into Josie’s ear. “Has Pol tried to kill you yet?”
“Eh, no, not yet,” Josie said. “He’s just sitting in his cabin.”
“Must be waiting until you’re sleeping then,” Bao Lei said. “He knows where we keep the knives, so it would be easy. But we have bigger problems. We’re almost at the rendezvous. It’s probably best if you come up here. Of course, if this is a trap, and it undoubtedly is, you being here won’t stop us all dying.”
“Okay, then. I’ll be right up.” Josie took her forefinger out of her ear and lowered her hand. “I need to get to the bridge.”
“I’ll come too. I want to show Reyna this anyway.” Doc slapped her head. “I almost forgot. Hold your hand up in front of you, like this.” Doc held her hand up, as if checking her watch.
Josie followed suit.
“Now say, ‘local map’.”
“Local map.” A glowing map appeared on the back of Josie’s hand. “That’s incredible.”
“Where do you think the phrase, ‘I know it like the back of my hand’ comes from? Say, ‘route to bridge’.”
“Route to bridge.” A small glowing trail appeared on the back of Josie’s hand, leading towards the lift. As they got closer to the lift, the cardboard doors shuddered open. Josie and Doc stepped inside.
“Bridge please, Topik,” Josie said.
“So, are you gay or straight?” Doc asked.
“What?” Josie asked. “That’s kind of personal, isn’t it?”
“Come on. It’s just us girls,” Doc said, scratching her abundant chest hair.
“I’m straight,” Josie said.
“I kind of figured,” Doc said. “You have that look about you. What kind of guys do you like?”
Josie blushed. “I like handsome guys.... you know.”
The lift doors opened. Josie’s attention jumped to the main display on the bridge. A red-brown planet hung in space, the size of a tennis ball.
Reyna’s gaze locked on Doc and she burst out laughing.
“I knew it,” Doc said. “You liar.”
Reyna skipped over and walked around Doc, examining her. “You have the shoulder hair down perfect.”
“Nothing?” Doc asked.
“Nah,” Reyna said. “I think I prefer them tall, dark, and handsome.”
“You’re such a tease,” Doc said.
“For what it’s worth, I like petite Asian women,” Bao Lei said.
“Dream on, Bao Lei,” Doc said. “I’m going to crack Reyna, no matter how long it takes.”
“I’m confused,” Josie said. “What’s going on?”
The screens at the front of the bridge changed, moving from displaying the planet to a small, squat, red ship.
“Right now, we’re on an intercept course with that prospector,” Bao Lei said.
“We have an agreement with the Alliance of Prospectors,” Reyna said. “We help them deal with native aliens, getting them agreements to mine the planets. In exchange, they tell us where any new aliens are and give us a cut of the profits.”
“I meant—” Josie dropped into the captain’s chair. “Never mind.”
“They’ll cheat us,” Bao Lei said.
“They’ve never cheated us before,” Reyna countered.
“Zoom in on the ship,” Bao Lei said.
The image of the ship grew to fill the screen. Josie spotted a less-than-tasteful silhouette of a naked woman stencilled onto the front of the ship. Trying to ignore thoughts about whether someone’s hips could even do that, Josie’s eyes widened as she noticed the barrels of a dozen weapons jutting from both sides of the ship.
“They’re openly displaying better weapons than us,” Bao Lei said. “Clearly a trap. They want us to think they aren’t hiding even more weapons.”
“Captain, the prospector is hailing us,” Topik said.
“On screen,” Josie said.
A bare-chested man with a long scraggly beard and impressive biceps filled the screen. A cowboy hat perched on the back of his head.
“Hello, beautiful,” Doc said.
“This is Josie Stein of the U.F.S. Greenstar,” Josie said.
“Flint McSteel from the Alliance of Prospectors,” the man said. “Glad you could make it, Greenstar.”
“So
rry, we got a little tied up with the Kalmari on our way here,” Josie said.
Flint shuddered, sending a ripple over his smooth, muscular chest. “I hate those things. Listen, this planet has massive deposits of gold just below the surface. The natives haven’t even touched them, so I don’t think they’re interested in them. I tried talking to the natives, but they just kept dancing and singing at me.”
“You said they’re on drugs?” Josie asked.
“I don’t know how else to explain it,” Flint said. “You’ll see yourself. Listen, get me a contract for that gold and I’ll cut the U.F.S. in for ten percent of the profits.”
“Sounds good,” Josie said. “If you don’t mind me asking, Flint. If the natives are so out of it, why can’t you just take the gold?”
“Hey.” Flint scowled. “I ain’t no surveyor. Everyone gets a fair deal here. Okay?”
“Sure,” Josie said. “I didn’t mean to imply anything.”
“Besides, fighting natives is far more expensive than just making a deal with them.”
“We’ll see what we can do.” Josie noticed someone hanging on her shoulder, turned and found Doc leering at the screen.
“Hi there,” Doc said.
Flint raised his hand in greeting. “Hello.”
“You’re pretty rugged,” Doc said.
“Thanks, I guess.”
Doc wiggled one bushy eyebrow. “You know, your little ship’s just a short shuttle ride away.”
“Let me know when you’re done on the planet. Over and out.” Flint vanished from the screen.
“I don’t think the handsome prospector likes your new look, Doc,” Reyna said.
Doc glanced down at her hairy chest and cursed. “I forgot I looked like this. Still, it could have been worse. I could have still looked like Josie.”
“So a swarthy Greek man has more chance with Rugged McAbs over there than I do?” Josie sputtered.
The others nodded, giving her sympathetic looks.
Josie sighed. “I guess tact went extinct before I woke up. What’s next?”
“We should do a sweep of the planet,” Reyna said. “Find the major population centres.”
“Sounds good,” Josie said. “Topik, sweep the planet please.”
The prospector ship vanished from the screen, replaced by the red-brown planet. It grew swiftly larger on the screen until it filled the entire display.
“How are we moving so quickly and stopping on a dime?” Josie asked. “What’s happening to our momentum?”
“It’s due to the Tyson-Cox aether,” Topik said. “It’s a bit too complicated for regular humans to understand.”
Greenstar Season 1, Episodes 1-3 Page 4