by Angel Lawson
She rolls her eyes in return. I know better than to think I can get a jab in with her. She’s done her damage. Jake and I are no longer a couple in any way. The other boys are just icing on her miserable cake.
After everyone leaves the room, Claire walks over and I mumble, “I really want to take her down a peg or two.”
“Patience, girl, patience.”
I shove my notebook in my bag. “I’ve about run out.”
“You still need a ride?”
I wrinkle my nose. “It’s so out of your way. I feel bad.”
“Don’t. I don’t mind at all. Keeps me from doing that stupid Health assignment.”
“Oh crap, I forgot about that.” This semester we’re alternating days between P.E. and Health. Our teacher is vegan and our assignment is to make some kind of vegan dish to share with the class. “You want to come to my house and work on it together?”
The truth is, I’d love to have Claire come to the house. It’s lonely with Leelee working and sometimes going to dinner with Tom.
“Sure, that sounds great. We can stop at the store for ingredients first.”
“Awesome.”
There’s a small buzz in my chest as I follow Claire out of the classroom and to her car. This is the kind of stuff friends do. Homework and hanging out. We walk out of the building toward her car and I can’t help but think about how I came out here for the Wayward Sons but maybe there’s so much more I’ve been missing.
11
Dexter
I’ve just finished wiping down the counters when there’s a knock on the coffee shop door. Sierra’s in the kitchen, taking a break from harassing Jake about homework. I can’t tell if he’s really that hard to tutor of if he’s making my sister pay for taking Starlee away. Either way, they’re both frustrated.
I walk over to the door, drying my hands on a towel, and peek through the window. Claire stands on the other side.
I toss the towel on a nearby table and unlock the door. “Hey. If you’re looking for coffee, I just dumped it out.”
“I’m not looking for coffee, or I wasn’t, until you mentioned it,” she frowns. “I came to get you. We need your help.”
I stand straight. “Who? Starlee? Is she okay?”
Her expression relaxes. “Oh, she’s fine, we’re just in the middle of a baking crisis.”
“A baking crisis?”
“For Health. I thought we could make these black bean brownies, but I underestimated our ability to make beans taste like chocolate.”
“Oh, you have Coach Thompson.” I smile as Sierra walks into the room. “I got an A on that project.”
“Of course, you did. That’s why I came here.” She wrinkles her nose. “Things have gotten, uh, sticky over there.”
I laugh at the wording. As much as it sucks, I say, “Yeah, you two are going to have to figure that out on your own.”
Her face falls. “Really?”
Claire knows the rules. No hanging out, and I try to keep the suspicion off my face at her pushing so hard. Maybe it’s a test, to prove how hard we’re all trying. I shrug. “Sorry.”
She pouts and it’s funny because it’s a little more awkward than flirty. Probably because she’s not into guys.
“I guess I’ll see you at school,” she says.
“Bye.” I wave and shut the door, locking it behind her. I turn around and see Sierra unnecessarily stacking cups on the counter.
“Friend of Starlee’s?”
I nod. “And the rest of us. She’s cool.”
“And she wanted help with what?”
“Remember how Coach Thompson makes the class create vegan dishes so he can get free food?”
Her eyes light up. “Oh, right. I made some kind of eggplant dish with soy cheese. Oh my god, it was awful. It tasted like feet.”
“Yeah, they’re in that class. Sounds like things aren’t going so well.” I hold her gaze. “I said no.”
She nods and places the last cup on the top of the pyramid. “You know I’m not doing this just to be a bitch.”
I step up to the counter so we’re face to face. Sometimes it’s like looking into a mirror, other times it’s more painful, like looking at a wisp of my mom. “I know, it’s just hard.”
“I know she’s important to you and hopefully we can get past this. I have a second review coming up soon with the state. If I pass, they’ll reissue my license.”
I lay my hands flat on the counter. “It just seems wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you’re doing this for us, to make sure none of us gets displaced, but pushing Starlee out for something that isn’t her fault…it’s not fair.”
“I made a promise to take care of you after we lost Mom and Dad. I won’t go back on it.”
“A promise to who?” I ask, feeling the anger and frustration rising. “Yourself? Me? Because I don’t want that hanging over me if it means cutting out someone I lo—.”
She tilts her head. “You love her?”
I shove a hand in my hair and shrug.
“Dex, you’re young. She’s a nice girl and everything, but...”
“Stop,” I say, tired of the bullshit. “This isn’t a passing fling or something, Sierra. What I’ve found with her—what we’ve all found with her—is something special. And you can keep us apart for now, you can tell me not to go over there and help her bake some fucking nasty brownies, and you can make Jake struggle on his own from the one person that has helped him academically to make some point—to appease the State and their stupid rules.” I push away from the counter. “But the second I’m off probation, I’m done with all this, understand?”
I untie my apron and toss it on the nearest chair, heading to the door, ignoring my sister as she calls for me. I could go next door and defy all the rules, go see my girl. Kiss her. Hug her. But I don’t. I go for a walk instead, breathing in the fresh air and looking up at the endless stars. I’ll see the next few weeks through and play by the rules, but I’d meant what I said; the second I’m free from the state and my probation, I’m going for Starlee and no one can stop me.
12
Starlee
I get a “C” on the black bean brownies. Honestly, I’m just glad Coach Thompson lets me stay after class and clean up for extra credit instead of giving me the big, fat “F” I deserve. Seriously, they were gross.
“When you’re finished,” he says, taking another vegan cookie off the plate Christina brought, “drop the leftovers in the teacher’s lounge. Here’s a pass to get into your next class late.”
“Thanks.” I tuck the pass into my jeans pocket and stack the plates of food on the rolling cart he’d brought me and enter the hall. The lounge isn’t that far away, tucked in the far corner next to the AV-Tech room. I slow the cart as I get close to the room and knock on the lounge door. No one answers, so I go inside.
There’s a long counter that has a coffeemaker and a few other packaged treats. I start carrying in the plates, wondering who in the world wants to eat this garbage. I eye the plate of cookies Christina brought, they look good—not lumpy and weird like most the others. I pinch off the corner and take a bite.
“Son of a—” I mutter. It’s delicious and I want to drop the whole plate on the floor and stomp them into dust.
“Starlee?”
I look over and see Charlie peek his head out of the computer lab. His hair is disheveled, hanging over his glasses. My heart thuds when I see him.
“Hey.” I hold up the cookie. “Want a cookie made by the devil?”
He walks over and takes it, shoving the whole thing into his mouth at once. I’ll never get used to the speed and efficiency of how these boys eat. “That’s really good.”
“It’s vegan. Made out of Styrofoam and tofu.”
He raises an eyebrow that peeks over his glasses. He shrugs and grabs another cookie. Yeesh. He’s adorable, especially in his red and white flannel over his retro Spider-Man T-shirt.
“
You need some help?” He points to the rest of the food.
“Don’t you have class?”
“Independent study. Ms. Holmes sent me down here to work on the school website.”
“Ah, getting the most out of their free labor.”
He laughs and looks at the pile of food. “Seems like a trend around here.”
With two people it only takes a few minutes to lay out the food, and I try my best to pretend like I’m not affected by his fingertips grazing mine in the process. I haven’t had a minute alone with Charlie since he moved to his dad’s and when we’re finished and standing by the cart I ask, “How is everything?”
“It’s okay.” I must not look convinced, because he adds, “Really. We stopped fighting Dad on everything and he’s relaxed a little.”
“Good. How’s the job?”
“Not bad. If I get everything done, I sneak a little gaming time.”
I smile. “Of course, you do.”
“I miss the house, though. Sierra and the guys.” He holds my eye. “You. I really miss you.”
“It’s been hard.”
“Before you came to live up here I didn’t really need people—well, other than George. I hid out in my game and online stuff.” He reaches for me, skimming my cheek with the back of his fingers. “You changed all that.”
My heart hammers when he touches me, like it’s trying to burst from my ribcage. Charlie and I have always had this connection—the introvert thing—the loner thing. Connecting with people isn’t something we do easily, and then being pulled away from it all...it hurts deep. To the bone.
He glances over his shoulder then clenches his hand around my waist, pulling me into the computer room. The lights are already off, nothing other than the white-blue screens of the computers lighting up the room.
“Can I kiss you?” he asks, even though he doesn’t have to.
“No one’s filming in here, are they?”
“No. Little-known secret: half the cameras in the school aren’t even hooked up.”
“Then yes, please,” I say, already pushed on my toes to reach him better. He cups my cheeks in his hands, presses his warm lips against mine.
I push my fingers in his hair and scratch the back of his neck in the way I know he likes and he emits a sound low in his chest like a purr. His mouth moves eagerly, his hands moving to press into my hips. I know this is wrong on so many levels; we’re not supposed to see each other. We’re definitely not supposed to do this at school. What if we get caught? Isn’t this exactly what we’ve been warned against and explicitly promised not to do? It’s hard though, because for a brief moment, everything feels right. Exactly right.
Charlie seems to have no such worries, his hands moving from my hips to my hair and back down again, grazing the bare flesh just beneath the hem of my shirt. He’s tactile, hungry, and he ignites the same want in me every time we kiss. I feel his body—the hard lines of his torso and the lean strength in his arms. He’s not the best with words or emotions and sometimes I worry that he’s too deep in his head for me to reach, but like this? I have no doubt where he stands, especially when he pushes me against the wall and kisses down my neck. The move tickles and I squirm against him, causing my hip to knock into a computer desk. The mouse falls to the floor with a loud clatter, forcing us to snap out of the moment.
He runs a hand through his floppy hair and I take a breath, straightening my top.
“I, uh…” I touch my lips. Is my mouth even working? “I should get to my next class before I’m counted absent.”
He nods, words a challenge for him, too. His fingers tug at mine and he pulls me close for another kiss, this time sweeter, before pulling away and heading down the hall. When I look back, he’s still watching and I wave, hating the fact that we’re so close, but still so far from one another.
13
Starlee
I’m about to head to the bus when Claire grabs my arm.
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
It’s Saturday, which means other than any chores my grandmother needs me to do, I’m mostly doing nothing but lamenting the fact I can’t see the guys. “Not much.”
“Want to go skiing?”
Kids push past me to get on the bus.
“Skiing? That sounds like a broken neck.”
“It’s fun. I’ve got all the equipment and anything you need. Come on, we’re headed out at nine, so be at my house at eight so I can get you suited up.”
“Eight? In the morning?” This isn’t sounding any better.
“Look,” Claire says, pulling me out of the path of the other students. “It’s a class tradition to go skiing before Christmas. Everyone goes and it’s a lot of fun.”
While my mind protests, thinking of broken legs and isolation on the bunny slope, I linger over one word. “Did you say everyone?”
She grins. “Yep. Everyone.”
The bus engine cranks, telling me I’ve got to get on there or it’s leaving without me, but I nod at my friend. “I need to ask but yeah, sounds fun. Terrifying, but fun.”
Leelee also thinks it’s a good idea.
“Oh, skiing is a fantastic idea. You know, I used to be quite the champion on the slopes.” Nope, I did not, but there’s zero surprise on that one. “As you know, there’s not a lot to do up here in the winter. Skiing is a great way to stay fit. Honestly, I’m surprised the boys haven’t dragged you out on the slopes already, but I guess there’s been a bit of upheaval lately.”
I almost tell her about the new rules, about Sierra and the fact I’m one of the reasons the twins are gone, but I don’t. I like that she doesn’t look at me that way. That to her, everything is fine.
The next day I get up early and Leelee gives me the car keys and a thermos of coffee for the road. I’m excited—not just about skiing for the first time but about seeing the guys. Activities like this are a perfectly legit work-around on not seeing one another.
When she opens the door, Claire looks as thrilled as I felt about getting up so early. She’s holding a coffee mug in one hand and a toaster waffle in the other. “You want one?” she asks, shuffling back to the kitchen.
“I’m good.”
“Come on then, let’s get you dressed.”
Claire has piled all her warm clothing on the bed along with a few other pieces. “I grabbed some from my brother’s closet. He has good gloves and stuff.”
She loads me up with layers, thin thermal pants and a shirt, another shirt, a sweater, then a jacket with a badge hanging from the zipper. “That jacket may be little big, but if you wear it, you can use his pass, too.”
“Awesome,” I say, pulling it over everything else. “Thanks.”
In the garage, Claire’s dad meets us and helps us load up the skis and a snowboard. Her mom is letting me borrow her boots and skis.
“Thank you so much,” I say to him, after trying them on over the dry wicking socks. Claire has gone back in the house.
“Any time, Starlee,” he says with a grin. “We’re just happy Claire has a new friend. She’s had a few tough years.”
“I know the feeling,” I say genuinely. “She’s been great to me since I started school.”
Claire walks back out and says, “You ready?”
“As much as I’ll ever be.”
We’re on the road when I ask, “So do the boys even know I’m coming?”
“I told them I’d invited you.”
“I hope they don’t feel obligated to hang back with me all day. I know they’ll want to ski on the more advanced slopes.” I fuss with the gloves in my lap. “I mean, worst case I can hang out in the lodge or whatever right?”
Claire glances over at me. “You’ve got to stop worrying so much. The boys will be fine. You’ll be fine. You may even be a natural at skiing and be up on those black diamonds before the day is over.”
I wrinkle my nose. “You really think so?”
“No. Do not go on the black diamonds. Seriously. You’ll break yo
ur neck, but everything else; yes. You’ll be fine. It’ll be fun.” She stops at a red light. “And stop thinking of yourself as an obligation when it comes to the guys. They are into you. Like realllllllly into you. Hanging back with you on the beginner slope is not an issue. They just want to be with you.”
She’s right, of course. They’re waiting in the parking lot—the four of them, dressed warmly and ready for the day. Other classmates are nearby. Guys from the football team and people I know from the serving club. Christina’s dominating her little group in tight-fitting ski pants and puffy earmuffs. It’s not an official school activity—there are no adults—but coming out here seems normal for them. They’re all prepped and ready. I know Claire wants me to be confident, but I can’t. I’m just too out of my element.
As usual, the boys are onto me before even I am. They’ve already removed the equipment from the roof of the SUV and Dexter comes over.
“So we have a plan,” he says, reaching for my zipper and tugging it up. “Obviously, this is the first time you’re skiing, so we’ll take turns spending time with you. Jake first.”
“Why Jake?” I look over at him lifting the skis over his head.
“Because just like you’re good at tutoring in reading and I’m good at baking pies, Jake is really good at teaching sports to people.”
“I really don’t want to ruin your day.”
He smiles and winks. “Hey, we get to decide how to ruin our day, not you.”
I’m a tiny bit jealous when everyone heads different directions, heading off to the higher slopes. I see Christina glide away like a pro and I frown, wishing I could shoot lasers from my eyes.
“You know she’s like a troll. You keep feeding her with attention and she only gets bigger,” Jake says from behind me. There’s no way she heard that but she gives us both a withering look when she sees him staying behind with me. That kind of makes the whole thing worth it.