‘This is the life,’ Dora says, as she settles in a chair with her tea. ‘What more could anyone want?’
‘I can bring my knitting out here,’ Mrs Kapur adds. ‘What do you think, Mary, love?’
‘I think that’s a sound idea.’
And it humbles me to think that these women have been made so happy, just by giving them a bench and somewhere a little bit nice and private to sit.
‘It’ll be really funny without you here, our Sally,’ Johnny’s mum says, her voice taking on a wistful air.
At this moment, I couldn’t agree with her more. A lump comes to my throat and I feel like lying down on our newly turfed lawn and crying my eyes out.
Chapter One Hundred and One
‘Be good for Johnny,’ I instruct as I search for my handbag. ‘Go to bed when he tells you to and don’t be a nuisance.’
‘He’s never a nuisance,’ Johnny insists.
‘I’m never a nuisance,’ Charlie echoes, offended.
‘I won’t be late,’ I promise.
‘You always say that,’ my son says. ‘And you’re always late.’
‘Not tonight.’
I hear Spencer’s horn toot and I head to the front door. ‘See you both later. Thanks for this, Johnny.’ I kiss him on the cheek, keeping it deliberately brief.
Johnny follows me and closes the door to the living room behind him. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Fine,’ I say.
‘You look a bit stressed, distracted. Sure everything’s all right?’
‘Yeah.’
‘I don’t want to delay you,’ Johnny says, ‘but we haven’t really had time to talk much over the last few weeks, what with the project taking over our lives and everything. How about we get together for a cuppa sometime, do a bit of a download?’
‘I’d like that,’ I say.
‘Pop round to Mam’s sometime,’ he tells me. ‘When you’ve got a minute to spare.’
I don’t really like to admit to Johnny that I’ve got too many minutes to spare now that my computer course has finished and the garden project has ended. My days seem so empty now that Charlie has gone to school too and they’re starting to stretch ahead of me. I feel like a fish out of water.
‘You did a great job, Sal.’ Johnny strokes his hand along my arm. ‘What next?’
‘I’m not really sure,’ I confess.
We hear Spencer’s horn toot again. ‘You’d better be going.’
I give Johnny a hug and fly out of the door.
Spencer’s waiting to open the car door for me and he kisses me, then I slide into the cocoon of the Porsche. As my fiancé pulls away from Bill Shankly House, the hoodies are sitting on the step of the Community Centre and they all wave at me as we pass. The next thing could be to get the Community Centre up and running with activities every night to entertain the good folk of the area. Make it somewhere that Jason, Daniel and Mark can go into all the time rather than just hanging around on its step. I must get on to Mark’s mum and dad to get it organised.
‘Thought we’d try out a new bar that’s opened,’ Spencer says, breaking into my thoughts. We head back into Liverpool. ‘It’s been getting good reviews.’
‘Can we just go back to your place?’
He looks at me, puzzled. ‘Certainly.’
‘I don’t feel like going out on the town tonight,’ I tell him.
‘You could have called me. I could have just come round to your place for a coffee.’
‘There are things that we need to discuss.’
Spencer laughs at that. ‘Tell me about it,’ he says. ‘There’s an engagement party to organise. Then a wedding. We need to agree on a timescale. Perhaps I should start an Excel spreadsheet.’
I say nothing, because I’m not sure what I can say.
Minutes later we’re pulling into the garage below Spencer’s apartment and we take the lift to the Penthouse. ‘We could give that hot tub a try-out,’ he suggests, slipping his arms round my waist. ‘Isn’t it about time?’
Shaking my head, I say, ‘Not tonight.’
‘You’re very quiet, Sally. Is everything okay?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘No. It’s not.’
A look of concern mars his oh-so handsome face. ‘Is it something that I’ve done?’
‘No. Not really.’ I sigh out loud. ‘Can we go up onto the roof ? I’d like to look out over Liverpool.’
We climb the stairs in silence, Spencer holding my hand and leading me out onto the terrace. I lean on the stainless-steel balustrade and Spencer comes close behind me, hands on my shoulders. The slate-grey thread of the Mersey flows slowly past below us. The faint sound of music drifts out from one of the bars in the Albert Dock, but I can’t make out the tune.
‘What will you do with this place?’
I feel Spencer shrug. ‘I’m only renting it,’ he tells me. ‘The lease expires shortly. I guess we’ll have no need of it now. Unless you want me to keep it on for when we come back to visit?’
Turning to face Spencer, I ease myself out of his arms. This is best done when I can’t feel the heat of his hands on my skin or breathe the wonderful scent of him. ‘That won’t be necessary,’ I say. Tears come to my eyes. ‘I won’t be leaving Kirberly, Spencer. There’ll be no engagement, no wedding, no move to Alderstone House.’
His face is bleak. ‘Why?’
‘My life is here,’ I try to explain. ‘My friends are here. People who love me. Who need me.’
‘But I love you,’ he says. ‘I need you. I thought you were happy.’
‘I love you.’ It’s breaking my heart to do this. ‘But I can’t be your wife.’
Spencer sits down heavily on the edge of one of the sun loungers, head in his hands.
I sit next to him. ‘We’re from different worlds, Spencer. We want different things for our future.’
‘Is this about Charlie?’
‘I don’t want him to be sent away to school.’
‘He can go to the local school,’ Spencer says. ‘The worst comprehensive we can find, if that’s what you prefer. I’ll do whatever you want.’
‘I want you to love him,’ I say quietly. ‘Like I do. And I can’t force that to happen.’
Spencer says nothing.
‘I don’t want Charlie to have a stepdad who merely tolerates him. I want you to love him like . . .’
‘. . . Johnny does,’ he finishes.
‘I wasn’t going to say that.’
‘But it’s true, isn’t it? I’ve seen how Johnny and Charlie are together.’ Spencer gives me a rueful smile. ‘I’m not stupid, Sally. Johnny’s great with kids. I’m completely useless. But I can change.’
I shake my head. ‘There are other things too. I’m too tired to battle against your family’s opposition. The odds are stacked against us. I have to recognise that.’
‘But I love you,’ Spencer says.
‘Sometimes that isn’t enough,’ I tell him sadly.
‘Do you still love Johnny?’
I pause. I shouldn’t really be having to think about this, should I? But I can’t deny that there’s still a strong pull there. Seeing him tonight . . . well . . . let’s just say that Johnny is one of the people that I would have found it hardest to leave behind. I realise that I haven’t answered Spencer’s question and I hang my head. ‘I’m sorry.’
Spencer sighs. ‘You don’t have to say any more, Sally.’
‘I want you to be happy, Spencer.’ I take his hand and squeeze it tightly. Part of me doesn’t ever want to let this man go either. ‘But I don’t think I’m the right person for you. Maybe I was right for now, but not for the future.’
‘I’ll be going away soon and I can’t bear the thought of leaving you. You’ve been a breath of fresh air in my life. What will you do? You can’t stay in that terrible flat. That’s no life for Charlie either.’
For a moment I detect a glimmer of real concern for my son, but maybe it’s too little too late.
‘Don’t worr
y about me,’ I tell him. ‘I have plans. Big plans.’
And I do. I’m just not sure what they are yet.
Chapter One Hundred and Two
‘You could read me a story,’ Charlie suggested as Johnny pulled the duvet over him.
‘Aren’t you a bit old for that now?’ Johnny said as he sat on the edge of the little single bed. Ringo jumped up beside him, circled three times and then found himself a comfortable spot.
‘It doesn’t have to be a soft one,’ Charlie countered. ‘I’ve got loads of scary stories. There’s one here about a monster who gets his head cut off and then his guts spill out all over the place.’ He did a perfect mime of guts spilling out.
‘Yeah, your mum would like that if I scared you half to death before you went to sleep.’
‘I could find something a bit in between then.’ The boy wriggled out from beneath his covers and padded over to his bookshelf.
‘Okay,’ Johnny agreed. It had been ages since he’d read the lad a bedtime story. When he’d lived here, it had always been his job because he enjoyed it so much. Now this made him realise just how much he missed the task. ‘But nothing too long. It’s ten o’clock already. If your mum comes home and you’re still wide awake, we’ll both be dead meat.’
‘She’ll not come home early.’ Charlie fingered his row of books as he made his selection. Pulling the book out, he climbed back into bed. ‘When she’s with him, she forgets about everyone else.’
‘That’s not true,’ Johnny chided. ‘You’ll always come first with her.’
‘Then why’s she taking me to Surrey when I don’t want to go?’
‘That one’s a bit more difficult to answer.’
‘You’re not going to go out with each other ever again now, are you?’
Johnny shook his head, a lump forming in his throat. ‘No.’
‘I like Dana,’ Charlie told him, ‘but I wish you were still with my mum more. Then I wouldn’t have to go away.’
The boy handed the book to Johnny. He scanned the cover. Scary Stories To Make Your Hair Stand On End. It didn’t seem long since he’d been happy with fairytales from the Brothers Grimm or Watership Down – but then nothing ever stayed the same. ‘Which one do you want?’
‘You choose.’
‘Settle down then,’ Johnny instructed. Charlie snuggled down, pulling the duvet round his ears. ‘Eyes closed.’
Charlie let his long lashes rest on his cheeks. Ringo was already snoring.
Johnny looked round the boy’s room. It badly needed decorating in here. The kid needed something more modern, more grown-up. Perhaps he’d offer to do it for Sally over the next few weeks. Then he remembered that they wouldn’t be here for much longer and the drab, peeling wallpaper wouldn’t be their problem any more.
‘Come on, Johnny,’ Charlie urged excitedly.
Johnny lay down next to him, resting against the headboard, and opened the book. Charlie inched further into his side as he started the story. Johnny had long since realised that if he injected too much drama into the reading of Charlie’s bedtime stories that it left the boy wide-eyed and buzzing and even further away from sleep than when he started. The more he read, the duller his voice became and, consequently, the heavier the eyelids of his listener became. He had to force himself to do it, because – if he was honest – he wanted Charlie to stay awake as long as possible so that he could spend every last minute available with him. He felt pathetic for feeling like that, but he couldn’t help it. Who would read Charlie his bedtime story when he moved to Surrey? Would this be the last ever time that anyone did it for the lad?
As Johnny read, Charlie slipped his thumb into his mouth and his breathing softened. ‘I love you, Johnny,’ he mumbled as he drifted into sleep.
Johnny stroked the boy’s hair, a tear running down his cheek. ‘And I love you too, our kid.’
Chapter One Hundred and Three
Spencer drops me outside Bill Shankly House. He twines his fingers in my hair and pulls me close. ‘I love you,’ he whispers, his voice thick with emotion. ‘Please change your mind.’
‘Don’t make this harder than it already is.’ I’m crying now. We hold each other tightly. ‘I wish things could have worked out differently.’
Then before I do cave in completely and change my mind, I slip quickly out of the Porsche and run into the foyer of Bill Shankly House for sanctuary. I hear the roar of Spencer’s car as it pulls away, taking him away from me, out of my life for ever. I lean my head against the cool bricks, the bricks that have been freshly painted to obscure all the graffiti in the lobby that’s been scrubbed and cleaned and disinfected to take away the smell of wee. Another job expertly completed by the hoodies – but then it was mainly Jason, Daniel and Mark who messed it up in the first place. That’s what I call just deserts.
I look round me. What if I do end up spending the rest of my life here? Would that be so bad, now that we’ve painted and weeded and scrubbed away all the grottiness and decline? It may still be a long way from Alderstone House, but now I’ve got a feeling of pride about living here. Hope to goodness that it doesn’t wear off anytime soon.
I sniff into a tissue that I find screwed up in the bottom of my handbag. I could take the lift back up to my flat, because – miracle upon miracle – it’s actually working as the Council came to fix it a couple of days ago. But sometimes ten flights of stairs come in very handy. I’ve now got as long as it takes me to climb to the top to pull myself together.
By the time I put my key in the lock, I’ve stopped snivelling. I’m probably as blotchy as hell, but I’m past caring. All I want to do is lie down in my bed and die.
Johnny’s watching television with the sound turned down low when I go into the living room. Of Charlie there’s no sign, so I hope that means that he was tucked up in bed by nine as he should have been. Ringo trots over to me, wagging his tail, and I bend down to stroke him and take a few moments to rough his ears up, which makes his tail go even faster.
‘Everything okay?’
Johnny nods. ‘Yeah. No probs.’
‘Want tea?’
He shakes his head. ‘I’d better go and check on Mam.’
‘Of course.’ If I didn’t know better I’d say that Johnny had been crying too. My ex stands up. ‘Is everything all right with Dana?’ I ask.
‘Dana?’ He nods, looking surprised that I’ve asked. ‘Yeah. Everything’s fine.’
‘Do you love her?’
My ex-boyfriend, hands stuffed in pockets, takes a moment to think about it. ‘Yeah,’ he says eventually. ‘I think I do.’
‘I’m pleased,’ I say, even though I’m not. ‘I hope that you’ll be very happy together.’
‘We’re not planning to get married or anything.’
‘I know. But . . .’
‘Sal?’ Johnny frowns. ‘Are you sure that everything’s okay?’
‘Yeah. Yeah. Fine.’
I can’t tell him that I’ve ended my relationship with Spencer or I’ll cry again and I don’t want to cry while Johnny’s here. He’ll be kind and loving as he always is, and that will make me fall apart completely. I want to smile and wish him happiness with his new love even though inside I feel like I’m dying.
‘Go on,’ I tell him. ‘Or your mam will be worried.’
‘Call round tomorrow,’ he says. ‘Any time. I should be at home.’ Then he laughs. ‘I’m at a bit of a loose end now that the project’s finished.’
‘I would have thought that you’d have lots of important artworks to create.’
‘That still doesn’t seem real,’ he admits.
‘I’m sure it will do soon enough.’
He picks his jacket up off the sofa and slings it over his shoulder. Then he kisses me gently on the cheek and I feel the warmth of his lips brand my skin.
‘See you tomorrow,’ I say, and the words create a small pocket of happiness in my misery. I’ll be seeing Johnny tomorrow. And every day after that. Even though Johnny now has
someone else to love, I feel happy that he’ll still be around in my life, living just down the road. And I know someone else who’ll be even more pleased.
Chapter One Hundred and Four
Charlie’s still in bed, and if I don’t wake him up in a minute, he’ll be late for school. I hardly slept a wink last night worrying about whether I’d done the right thing or not. Am I crazy to pass up this opportunity? Could Spencer and I have worked through our difficulties and differences in time? Will I regret this decision for the rest of my life?
I pad through to the hall as I hear the post drop through the door. There’s an official-looking envelope on the mat – which I hate because they’re invariably bills or bad news and I don’t think that I could cope with any more bad news today. It’s come to something when I’m actually wishing that it’s just a bill.
As I pick it up, a groggy Charlie wanders out of his bedroom, raises his hand in a cursory wave and mumbles, ‘Hi, Mum,’ before disappearing into the bathroom.
‘Hi, Charlie.’ I wave back at the bathroom door. Looks like I’d better get cracking in the kitchen then.
I chuck some bowls and a couple of boxes of cereal on the table, whack a few sandwiches together and stuff them in Charlie’s ice-cream-carton lunchbox and get the kettle on. Then, reluctantly, I turn my attention to my letter and sit down at the table while I open it.
I’m still in a state of shock and holding the letter when Charlie, now in his uniform and looking scrubbed, comes in.
‘What’s wrong?’ he says, frowning.
‘Nothing.’
‘Then why do you look funny?’
‘We’ve been nominated for an award,’ I tell him. ‘For the regeneration project. Richard Selley from the Council has put us forward. “Excellence in a Community Project”.’
‘That’s good, isn’t it?’
‘That’s great! All our hard work has been recognised.’ I don’t care if we don’t win, to be nominated is affirmation enough. Who am I kidding? I’m desperate to win! I’ve got to tell Johnny right away. He’ll be so thrilled.
‘Come and give your clever old mum a hug.’
All You Need is Love Page 32