The tops of my fingers burn with the phantom flames I’ve long learned to control. When I was first figuring out how to summon my element, I took to the craft with ease. Feel the heat in your chest, pull it through your body like warm taffy, and will it into your palms until you get tiny sparks. Over the years, tiny sparks turn into whole inch-long tongues of flames. Maybe I should’ve been grateful that Mother gave me a shortcut, but when I go to the bad places in my mind, I can still smell my flesh burning. It’s not supposed to do that—melt your skin. A witch’s fire requires control and willpower, which is why we’re usually granted incremental bits of it that build as we learn how to exercise what Nature loans us.
I hadn’t meant to burn my dad. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was just clapping my hands because something made me happy. I don’t even remember what it was. I didn’t mean for a whole foot-long blast of fire to shoot out from my fingers. I was only three years old at the time. How was I supposed to know Mother was sick and twisted? I was still working out what the deal with Santa Claus was.
My dad never blamed me. His smile stayed the same, but he had to grow a beard to cover the scars I gave him. I didn’t practice for a whole year after that. I stopped talking, too. He took me to speech pathologists and plenty of doctors to try and help me talk, but I knew that nothing good could come from me. I was diseased, so much that I’d even deformed my dad.
I wanted to stay in Kentucky and keep my dysfunction quiet. I’m totally off-book from my life’s plan now, and have no idea what messes I’m causing until I’ve ruined whole friendships, like I don’t care who I hurt.
But I do care.
I hurt my dad physically, and now I’m hurting Carrigan from the inside-out by ripping him away from his best friend.
When Hagan drops the raccoon, rabbit, and squirrels at my feet, I try to make my smile as genuine as possible. Hagan’s like me—he has no one either. Maybe I won’t be a curse to him. When he looks at me like I’m something wonderful, I almost believe that could someday be true. The fresh kills are an offering from his inner animal. He’s honoring me, and I can tell he’s waiting for that swell of gratitude that makes his effort feel worth it. It’s a heady thing to hold such a high place in his heart. “Looks like you saved the day. Thank you.”
His chest puffs with pride, and I can’t believe someone so incredible wants to impress me.
Valor cooks the food, casting surreptitious glances at me, as if he’s worried I might have a spontaneous breakdown. In truth, I’m on the verge. I’m not used to feeling this deeply. I need clarity, and I can’t get it with Valor’s covert study of me, Cary’s attempts to draw me closer, and Hagan’s constant presence that’s so healing it hurts me to be too near it.
I stand abruptly, knowing I’ve got about five minutes before real angst starts to set in on my face. I need to get out of there before they see it. I don’t want to be the weakest link on the team. I don’t want Carrigan to hold me and risk losing Jonas forever. I don’t want Hagan to pull me into his arms. He makes me feel so safe, I might just be convinced that it’s acceptable to burst into tears at random. There’s too much to cry about. If I start leaning on them, I might never stop. Dad got too close to me, so Mother took him away. I can’t afford to lose them all in the same way. “I’m going for a walk,” I tell the guys.
Hagan stands, even though I know his stomach is growling. He told us all he ate two rabbits and four squirrels in his bear form, but dude is huge and requires more sustenance than most. “Alright. Let’s go.”
“No, thanks. I need some time by myself.” My breath quickens when he recoils as if I’ve bopped him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.
“By yourself? It’s going to be dark soon. You’ll get lost. There are predators in the woods, honeycomb. What’s going on?”
I shrug, my arms still around my stomach. “Nothing at all. Just need to clear my head. I’ll be back in ten minutes. Start eating without me.”
Hagan opens his mouth to argue, but Valor interjects with a tightness to his jaw. “Take all the time you need, young one. When you get back, we’ll have Jonas sorted.”
I shake my head, guilt swelling when even me trying to take myself out the situation might cause a fight. “No! It’s nothing to do with that. Jonas is fine. I’m just used to living alone is all. Need some time with Nature.” I grab for an almost-truth. “It’s a witch thing.”
Carrigan glares at Jonas, which is the last thing I want. I am a curse on their lives, and they deserve a breather from me before I accidentally break them apart.
My feet are moving before I can come up with another lie about how everything is rosy. The sun is fading fast, so I make quick work of finding solace. I need to go someplace where I can be truly alone. I trip over errant roots and duck under branches that look like arms trying to block my way. Nature isn’t making it easy for me to get some time alone with her, but I’m determined to get back to square one, and I know I can’t do that around people.
When I finally come across a patch of purple flowers, I decide I’m far enough away to breathe without fear of causing more strife. I pick one of the sprigs and roll the petals between my fingers, releasing the perfume into the air. I take down my bun and redo it, threading the flowers through the knot atop my head. It’s an honor to wear something so pure. My styling abilities aren’t perfect, but in that moment, I finally feel like I’m good enough for myself. I can’t make the others content, but I can find flowers in a forest, which I like to think is a useful talent. I pull my knees to my chest and rest my chin atop them, closing my eyes so I don’t see the scars on the backs of my hands. They’re ugly—worse than that, they remind me of all the bad things I am and might always be. I steal from people. I steal their magic. I steal their friendships. I’ve even stolen Hagan from his own home.
A tear slips down my cheek, and I wonder if life is supposed to feel like this. The teens at the high school were always laughing and going on fun outings, then complaining about ridiculous things like their weight and schoolwork. I want those problems.
I dig my fingers into the ground, hoping that’ll help me breathe. As more tears slip from my control, I offer my sadness to Mother in hopes she’ll take my tears and use them to make more beautiful flowers that the world so desperately needs. People underestimate the strength it takes to be a flower in a world full of weeds.
I need Mother, but she’s silent. I miss my daddy so badly, I worry my pain will belt out at the decibel of a scream. So I keep my agony silent, knowing my tears will solve nothing. I need his smile, scarred as I made it. I wonder what he’d say about my situation—if he’d be happy for me, or if he’d warn me away from it all. I lean against a nearby tree, holding myself with dirty hands as my tears find a way to dry. I sniffle, grateful nature doesn’t kick me out for being unable to always keep a stiff upper lip. She’ll take my tears and make more flowers, so I’m not a complete blight on the world. I grant myself a little more than the promised ten minutes, letting my heart ache in the open air that will never judge me, never leave me, and never let me curse it simply by being.
It’s not until I hear a roar that I realize it’s been more than triple the ten minutes I’d hoped would cap my grief. I wipe my face off and make my way back toward the camp, surprised I wandered so far.
It isn’t as if I expect everyone to be holding hands and hugging when I get back to the clearing, but finding Hagan naked and socking Jonas in the stomach is a shock I’m unprepared for.
Chapter Fifteen
Sophie
There’s a lot of yelling before Hagan backs down and locates his underwear and jeans. He shoves his boots back on, a snarl marring his face. Carrigan rocks on his knees before the fire, grinding his fists into his temples. “You will not be the reason I’m on medication for the rest of my life!” he shouts at Jonas, who’s standing over his bestie, trying to comfort him with his immovable hands. “Whatever it takes, you’ll make this work.”
I’ve never hea
rd Cary shout before, and the sound rattles my spine. I run forward and drop down beside him, scooping him into my arms while he shakes with equal amounts of fear and rage. I’m not used to anger on Carrigan, and I know it’s me who drove him to it. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wander so far. I wasn’t thinking. Are you okay? Are the voices gone now?”
Carrigan clings to me, his fingers coiling tight to keep me in place, as if he’s certain I’ll dart away at any moment. “I don’t want you to hold me because I’m pathetic and in pain. I want to hold you because I’m strong and can be counted on.”
I don’t know what to say to this, so I run my fingers through his blond hair to soothe the storm in his eyes. My lips are close enough to his ear that I can whisper what little comfort I can conjure. “I want to be with you, Cary, whether or not you need me.” My heart aches to the tune of his pain. “I hurt you. I did this, and I’m so sorry.”
He grips me hard, and I can feel his anxiety rippling through him. “Don’t let me take my pills. I need you to throw them away. If you’re around, I won’t need them anyway. Please, Sophie Mae. Promise to stay with me. Tell me your house is my home.”
My fingers trail down to the nape of his neck, rubbing out the tension that gathered there in the half hour I was away. “It already is, silly.” Jonas moves to stand over us, sweating and scared, but we ignore him so we can ride out the waves of Cary’s upset.
Carrigan shakes his head. His eyes are closed when he pulls back to press his forehead to mine. “No. You didn’t unpack your things. You put your whole backpack in the dresser like you’re at summer camp or something. You don’t even leave your toothbrush out on the counter. You put it in your bag every time, like you’re getting ready to bolt in the middle of the night. I want you to stay—really stay with me.”
I bite down on my lower lip, knowing he’s too right to argue with. I close my eyes as my nose brushes across his. “I hear what you’re saying. I want all those things, but it might take me some time to get there. Can you be patient while I figure out how I fit?”
I can tell he wants to protest, but he nods. “Whatever you need. Promise you’ll tell me anything that pops into your head that you might want. I can’t help you if I’m always guessing. It’s the one time I actually want to read a person’s mind, but I can’t!”
That’s a promise I can’t bring myself to lie about. Instead, I press softness into his lips, hoping my kiss relays that I’ll try the thing that goes against every instinct I’ve been taught. I’ll stay with him, even though I’m certain I don’t belong anywhere.
Valor won’t look at any of the guys, especially Carrigan. Whatever he’s done without his conscience intact must’ve been bad, because the guys won’t go near him. Once I release Carrigan, Valor offers me his hand, but raises his voice as if he’s seeking permission from the entire group. “Let’s get some food in you.” He’s asking permission from all of us, as if he knows he shouldn’t be trusted too near me, but desperately wants to do something good.
I believe in the good in Valor, even if he doesn’t.
Hagan glowers at Jonas and stands over Carrigan as a silent sentry while Valor pulls me to the other side of the fire, a few steps away from the thick of the drama. When he hands me a skewer of meat, my stomach growls. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “If Carrigan and Hagan tell you what I said and did, just know that I already hate myself for it.” Then he does something so sweet I nearly cry all over him. If not for my years of training to suck down every ounce of who I am, his shirt would surely be streaked with tears. Valor pulls out his water bottle, wets his hands and wipes them over my face. “Lesson one in trying to hide the fact that you sneaked into the woods to have a good cry: destroy the evidence. You’ve got tear streaks and dirt smudges all over your lovely face.”
I’m resolved not to break down again, so when I meet his hard gaze, I have to dig my fingernails into my thigh to keep myself together. “I break everything I love,” I admit in a whisper. I don’t know why I confess the darkest parts of my soul to Valor. Maybe it’s because I know he’s already seen some real blackness and can handle the muck I keep sticking my toe into.
Valor stills, his mouth tightening in a frown as he mulls over my confession. “Do you love Carrigan?” he asks, swiping carefully over my cheeks. He treats me as if I’m made of glass, capable of shattering. I wish Mother understood that basic principle.
I nod, unable to play stoic about something so real. “Yes.”
“He is not so broken. He’s going through the growing pains of healing, which are only happening because of you. Patience, young one. Rome wasn’t built in a day.” He kisses my left cheek once it’s cleaned, and then moves on to the other. “Do you love Hagan?”
“Yes,” I reply without equivocation. That one’s easy.
“That’s good. Hagan is a thousand times better since he found you.” He kisses the apple of my freshly cleaned right cheek. His touch is so very soft, like he’s trying not to mar silk. I feel delicate and feminine, not like I’ve been sleeping on the ground for days. Valor presses his forehead to mine, and I can feel his puffs of breath on my nose. “Do you think you could someday love me, wicked as I am?”
Maybe I’m supposed to think things like this through before an answer blurts out of me. Maybe I’m supposed to restrain myself forever, banding my arms around my stomach to hold in whatever storm threatens to make me a person with needs and wants for herself. But when Valor’s lashes sweep shut in utter devastation, I can’t pretend that my heart doesn’t beat, though sometimes in the wrong rhythm. I wind my arms over his shoulders, toying with the hair at the nape of his neck. “I already love you, baby doll. You’re my angel, even if your wings are a little bit torn.”
And he is. When he’s his whole self without his conscience muted, there’s a beauty to the way he serves without asking anyone to take notice. He fed us all food that he didn’t eat, made sure we had enough water. When I’m in danger of freezing over from the inside-out, he offers his warmth without a second thought. I’m not sure how a girl could spend ten minutes around Valor without falling hopelessly and madly in love with him.
Valor’s intake of breath is the only warning that he’s about to kiss me. When his lips brush against mine, it’s with that same featherlight touch that tells me he loves me enough to be gentle, and not take haphazardly. It’s almost a dance when he wraps his arms tight all the way around my waist, trapping my stomach to his. His biceps tighten so he can fan his fingers out across my hips. I love the feel of his hands on me—firm but gentle. Hagan’s growl of “I guess this is happening now” comes and goes, but Valor’s kiss keeps playing its song on my lips. Oh, what a beautiful song my Valor is.
When he finally pulls back to examine my reaction, his gaze is tight with earnest worry. “Tell me this will be okay. Tell me you’ll keep me.”
I lean in and kiss him once more—this time on my own, taking the initiative so there’s no confusion that this is what I want. “I only want to keep you forever. Then I’ll give you back. Is that okay?”
Valor exhales his relief and then glances up at Hagan. “Please?” he begs, and the sound breaks my heart. “I’ll do all I can to be a good man.”
Hagan harrumphs, crossing his arms over his chest. “You know I can’t say no to her.”
Valor takes that as the best green light he’ll get and turns to Carrigan. “Please?”
Carrigan’s jaw tightens, but he gives Valor a curt nod. “Give me some time to get used to the idea. I knew she was heading in that direction. It’s one of the reasons why I moved you into my place. Still, I need a minute to get onboard. What you said when Sophie was gone? That’s part of you, Valor, whether you want to admit it or not. Elowen took away the angel on your shoulder; she didn’t put sick thoughts in your brain. You let them fester there. I get that Sophie Mae can’t help but connect to the people she helps, but I need you to check every word that comes out of your mouth around her, every action that might
be a danger to her. I won’t risk her wellbeing on your brand-new conscience. So however this plays out, you have to get there slowly. You’ve got a lot of hills to climb over before the four of us totally trust each other.”
“Of course.” Valor remains next to me, but he gives a healthy four inches of space between us in honor of Carrigan’s request. I can tell he wants to be held, but he’s standing on his own to follow Carrigan’s advice about going slow.
Jonas shakes his head. “When does it end, Cary? You’re sharing your girlfriend with a shifter and a vampire! Is this the life you were hoping you’d have?”
Carrigan’s head jerks sharply in his best friend’s direction. “Two months ago, I was hoping not to die before my next birthday. You were right there with me when the doctor told me I didn’t have much time.” He waits for Jonas’ intake of breath, but it’s mine that’s the loudest. I knew he was bad off, but to imagine the world without Carrigan is a loss that strikes me straight across the chest. Cary holds Jonas’ look of agony with defiance radiating out from him. “So however salvation comes to me, I’ll take it.”
Chapter Sixteen
Hagan
The sleeping arrangement is like a socially awkward game of Tetris. Maybe I should let Carrigan and Valor lay with her in the communal sleeping bag, but I don’t have it in me to be separated from her. I’m too used to burrowing my face in her cleavage, too addicted to the way her curves mold around me in the night. Maybe I’m being selfish about it all, but I don’t care. Cary and I fold ourselves into the bag with her, and I motion for Valor to move his bedding to the other side of me. I don’t like the fact that a vamp is going to one day be curled up with my honeycomb, but I can’t deny her a single thing. However, until I trust Valor, I can’t let her sleep next to him. If he lost his mind and sank his teeth into her in the middle of the night…
Savage Possessed: A Reverse Harem Urban Fantasy Adventure (Twin Rivers Possession Book 2) Page 9