by Chris Colfer
MG: This is your house? Good lord, I thought we were in Queen Victoria’s tearoom. Has anyone ever told you that you decorate like an old woman?
CC: As a matter of fact, I— Wait! Who are you?
MG: Really, Chris? Is that how you greet your favorite muse?
CC: Oh my God… You’re Mother Goose! This can’t be real! I must have hit my head or something!
MG: As I said to Howard Hughes, no, you’re not dreaming, I’m really here. And no offense, but I’d like to get to my questions, if you don’t mind wiping that look of shock off your face.
CC: Okay… What kind of questions?
MG: We asked readers from all over the globe to send in questions for their favorite author. Sadly, J. K. Rowling was unavailable to answer them. Ba-dum-bum!
CC: Was that supposed to be funny?
MG: No, that was supposed to be very funny. Anyhoo, fans of the Land of Stories series sent in their questions for you, but all of them were terribly boring, so I’ve composed a list of my own. Are you ready?
CC: I feel like I should have a representative present.
MG: Question number one: What gives you the right to write about so many characters who don’t belong to you?
CC: Actually, every character I use in the Land of Stories is either my own or is in the public domain.
MG: Whoa, buddy! I’m gonna stop you right there. I may be a public enemy, but I am not public domain.
CC: I’m not sure what you think it is, but public domain means I can legally use characters that are no longer copyrighted.
MG: I’ve always found the law to be more of a suggestion, haven’t you?
CC: No.
MG: Well, if I followed the law, your books wouldn’t be nearly as interesting. Speaking of which, that brings me to question number two: I think you owe me some money for publishing my diary.
CC: That’s not a question.
MG: You don’t need a question mark when something is questionable. You’re lucky there are so many warrants out for my arrest; otherwise, I’d see you in court.
CC: What are you talking about? I wrote every word of The Mother Goose Diaries myself. Just like I wrote every word of all my other books.
MG: Don’t get all defensive on me, Richard Nixon. I’m not accusing you of having a ghostwriter, but maybe you’re getting more “interdimensional help” than you realize.
CC: What’s that supposed to mean?
MG: Allow me to explain. When did you first start writing the Land of Stories series?
CC: I was in second or third grade.
MG: Exactly. That’s a curious activity for a seven-year-old, wouldn’t you say?
CC: Well, I was too young for Boy Scouts, and I was kicked off my T-ball team. I needed something to do.
MG: And that’s precisely why the other fairies and I decided you were the best person to tell the Bailey twins’ story. We took one look at you and thought, Now, there’s a kid with a lot of time on his hands.
CC: Hold on. Are you telling me the Land of Stories isn’t my creation?
MG: Something like that.
CC: But that’s not true! The series was inspired by the questions I had about fairy-tale characters when I was a kid and the adventures I wanted to have in the fairy-tale world!
MG: Don’t get your tail feathers in a twist. I’m merely suggesting that we planted the seed. But don’t worry—you, and only you, were the manure that helped it grow.
CC: Thanks?
MG: Let’s try to get back to the interview—I’ve got a deadline to make.
CC: This is being published?
MG: Well, look who’s talking! It’s not fun to have stuff about your personal life published without your permission, is it?
CC: [Sigh.] Next question, please.
MG: Question number three: Why do you always write me like I’m some crazy old lush?
CC: Because you reference people like Howard Hughes and you just spilled your bubbly all over my rug. I’d say it’s pretty fitting.
MG: This is sparkling mineral water, thank you very much. Question number four: I read somewhere that you were an actor before you became an author.
CC: That sounded more like a judgment than a question.
MG: It was. Usually people pick a career in medicine or business to fall back on. With your chosen professions, it’s like you decided to sail upstream without a paddle or a canoe.
CC: Well, performing and writing have always been the same thing to me. You get to be a storyteller in both fields, and at the end of the day, I suppose a storyteller is what I consider myself the most.
MG: Well, la-di-da. I know what you mean, though. I was an actress myself back in the golden days of Hollywood—you know, before all this streaming trash.
CC: Would I recognize your work?
MG: Did you ever see the film Gone with the Wind?
CC: Of course!
MG: I supplied the wind.
CC: [A beat of silence.] How much longer is this interview going to take?
MG: Question number five: Would you ever consider cowriting something with another author? Personally, I’ve got a manuscript of a spicy romance novel I’d love to slap your name on. It’s called Fifty Shades of Goose.
CC: I just threw up a little in the back of my mouth.
MG: So, you’ll consider it. Question number six: You’ve said The Land of Stories: Worlds Collide is the last book in the series. But that doesn’t mean the Land of Stories is over, does it?
CC: Why did you wink at me when you asked that?
MG: I did no such thing.
CC: You just did it again! You winked at me like you know something I don’t!
MG: Maybe there’s more to the story we just haven’t told you yet. Maybe while you’re asleep tonight, the fairies and I will fill your subconscious with images of all the crazy events that happened to the Bailey twins in their twenties.
CC: Actually, there is something you can fill me in on.
MG: What’s that?
CC: In the last chapter of Worlds Collide, you asked Conner to go to your Monte Carlo vault and flush a brown paper bag hidden in the corner.
MG: And?
CC: Well, I’m curious. What was in the brown paper bag?
MG: I’m sorry, but that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you so much for joining us, Chris. Best of luck as you continue to recklessly sail up that stream.
CC: Yes, thank you so much! If you have half as much fun reading my books as I’ve had writing them, then my mission is complete.
MG: Please know the hypercritical descriptions of the characters found in the novels are the author’s views and only the author’s views—especially those he describes as “elderly” and “intoxicated.”
CC: I only use those adjectives when I’m describing your—
MG: Good night, folks! And in case I don’t see you again, have yourselves a happily ever after!
Cheers!
CHRIS’S SECRETS from the LAND of STORIES
Over the years, I’ve been asked a thousand times who or what inspired the characters in the Land of Stories series. For the most part, I’ve remained very coy about answering and have only hinted at inspirations here and there. As amusing as it’s been to keep readers guessing, I’ve decided to put the Book Huggers out of their misery and finally confess which persons, places, and things helped me imagine the people of the fairy-tale world. It’s time to spill the lily pad tea!
the HEROES
ALEX AND CONNER BAILEY
My zodiac sign is Gemini, and that means I’m constantly thinking and feeling two things at once. Having a Leo ascendant and a moon in Cancer does me absolutely no favors in that area. For anyone who isn’t an astrology nerd, that simply means I’m never afraid to show my claws when I need to, but I’ll always feel bad about it later. Sound familiar?
The Bailey twins represent my unique brand of crazy and the perspectives it gave me as a kid. The conversations between Alex and Conner are based o
n the arguments I have with myself on a daily basis. One side of me is always fixing to make a joke, while the other side is desperately aiming for productivity. In short, Conner is my brain and Alex is my heart.
When I first tried writing the Land of Stories in second grade, the twins’ names were Max and Amy—named after my Mighty Max action figure and my cousin Amy. Later, I tragically lost Max during a trip to the grocery store with my mom. It was a really sore subject, so I changed the name to Conner after the character I played in a community-theater production of Dad’s Christmas Miracle. That year, my cousin Amy called me a horrible name that was unforgivable (cacapoopyface, I believe it was). So I ditched Amy and named the heroine after the only cousin who hadn’t disappointed me yet—a newborn named Alex.
From that moment on, whenever I daydreamed about the fairy-tale world, I always imagined it through Alex’s and Conner’s eyes.
FROGGY
My grandmother Fawnda has a fridge covered in dozens of magnets dating back to the seventies. A magnet that caught my attention as a child was an adorable frog head. Froggy, as I christened him, had big glossy eyes and a wide smile. My cousins and I used to place him over one another’s school portraits as a joke—which was hysterical until it happened to you. One day I walked into her kitchen and saw that Froggy had been placed over my uncle’s wedding picture—and there, right before my eyes, was a frog in a three-piece suit! I found it so amusing that I immediately put him in the Land of Stories and I write about the classy amphibian to this day.
The year The Land of Stories: The Wishing Spell was published, my aunts discovered the frog magnet while they were spring-cleaning my grandmother’s house. Had I not walked into the kitchen at that exact moment, they would have thrown him in the trash. I cleaned him up and filled in his cracks with a green Sharpie, and Froggy’s been on the file cabinet in my office ever since.
RED
There are a number of people I’ve always thought inspired Red (family members I roll my eyes at, actresses I’ve worked with, socialites I’ve avoided, etc.). However, my friends are always very quick to point out the similarities that Red bears to me.
“You literally live in a house surrounded by a wall with signs that tell people to leave you alone. How many more comparisons do you need?”
However misguided my friends may be, Red has always been the character who surprises people the most, so I try to take the comparison as a compliment. On the surface, she seems like a ditzy, attention-seeking spoiled brat—but as we get to know her, we learn it’s all a misinterpretation of her personality. Red isn’t dumb; the world just doesn’t know how to appreciate her brand of intelligence yet. She can’t be pretentious when she genuinely believes everything she says. And she can’t be selfish if she thinks her priorities benefit everyone. So if those are the qualities my friends recognize in both the queen and me, then I’m proud to say Red lives inside of me as much as the Bailey twins do.
“You also form opinions before knowing any facts.”
That one I can’t dispute.
GOLDILOCKS
As you’ve probably noticed by now, I’ve got a soft spot for strong female characters. When I was a kid, I always preferred the heroines over the heroes in all the books I read and movies I watched. Male protagonists are usually quite arrogant and self-righteous; they’re only slaying the dragon to prove or gain something. Whereas female protagonists are usually quite selfless; they slay dragons to keep the peace or return a kingdom to its former glory. And usually the heroine has already had to fight for acceptance long before the hero even shows up—now, that’s a person I think most people can identify with.
One of my favorite television shows growing up was Xena: Warrior Princess. I loved Xena’s courage, her fearlessness, and her ability to take down opponents regardless of their gender, size, or immortality. Goldilocks embodies all those qualities, and I love how readers have responded to her. She’s the favorite character of both little boys and little girls across the country—which I’m very proud of.
I’ll also never forget the time a little girl said to me, “Thanks for making the girls just as strong as the boys.” I wish we lived in a world where she didn’t feel the need to thank me.
JACK
Whenever I write about Jack, I always picture the big brother I wish I had. Since Jack famously had a rough childhood (he and his mother were dirt-poor), I figured he learned early in life to never sweat the small stuff. So, unlike a lot of male literary characters, Jack doesn’t try to dominate situations or tell others what to do—he just goes with the flow, even when the helm is being steered by twelve-year-olds. Jack is unconditional love and support personified, there’s not an ounce of ego or malice in his body, and he’d do anything to protect his friends and family. I love writing about Jack because I believe the world could use more men like him.
CHARLOTTE BAILEY
Just like Charlotte, my own mother was a redhead and worked in medicine. She wore blue scrubs to work every day and was usually on the phone with a coworker when I arrived home from school—hence the scene in the second chapter of The Wishing Spell where we meet Charlotte. At dinner, my mother would always talk about the surgeries she participated in that day at the hospital (in graphic detail, no less!) while our family was eating. I ultimately decided to spare the Bailey twins from this morbid ritual—they had been through enough already.
THE FAIRY GODMOTHER
The twins’ grandmother is based on my late grandmother, Patricia. Whenever our grandma Pat would visit, she’d bring a new storybook to read to my sister and me. She’d also happily play games with us—even if it meant crawling across the couches in a heated round of “hot lava.” She also never told anyone when she was visiting, so her spontaneous arrivals felt quite magical as a kid.
My grandmother worked as a receptionist in the office of an elementary school—but she rarely stayed at her desk. Whenever the principals needed her, they always found her sitting on the floor in the waiting area, reading storybooks to the students. When she passed away, the school installed bookshelves and dedicated that section of the office to my grandmother with a plaque that read PAT’S CORNER.
MOTHER GOOSE
There’s nothing I love more in the entire world than a crass old lady with stories to tell. Mother Goose is based on all the older women I’m lucky enough to have in my life, in particular my late friend Polly Bergen. She played my grandmother in an independent film I wrote called Struck By Lightning. And at eighty-two years old, she was dancing, drinking, spilling secrets, and playing Nintendo at our film’s premiere. I used to sit and listen to her stories about 1950s politics and Hollywood for hours and hours. I’ll never forget the moment she picked up her buzzing cell phone, read the caller ID, and said, “Oh, it’s just Nancy Reagan. I’ll call her back later.”
TROLLBELLA
My little sister, Hannah, was the main inspiration for Trollbella. Just like the troll queen, my sister is totally boy crazy and can negotiate her way into anything. I’ve always described Trollbella as having the heart of a fangirl but the authority of a supreme dictator—which is a dangerous combination for teenage boy bands. I also love how different Trollbella is from the rest of her kingdom, yet it’s her ideas and leadership that bring the trolls and goblins into prosperity.
EMERELDA AND THE FAIRY COUNCIL
Emerelda is based on my fabulous friend Pam—one of very few people I’ve met with an enormous heart and a powerful job. I’ve always been inspired by Pam’s unique mixture of compassion and responsibility, and Emerelda is a tribute to her.
It was very important to me to maintain the classic imagery in the stories by the Brothers Grimm, Charles Perrault, and Hans Christian Andersen, but even more important to have diversity—which doesn’t always exist in fairy-tale adaptions. The Fairy Council was the perfect way to feature characters of different ethnicities, LGBTQIA characters, and characters with disabilities in the series who could play a vital role in the plot of each book.
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br /> the VILLAINS
THE EVIL QUEEN
Ever since Wicked, I’ve been obsessed with backstories and knew I had to give one to the Evil Queen. In the time since The Wishing Spell was first published, Snow White’s infamous stepmother has been portrayed in numerous movies, novels, and television shows. But I have to admit, my take on the Evil Queen is still my favorite!
To all the aspiring writers who read my books and hope to write backstories for their own villains one day, I have this advice: A good backstory makes us feel sorry for a villain, but a great backstory makes us identify with the villain.
However, since The Wishing Spell was my first novel, I wasn’t able to describe the meaning behind her heart of stone as well as I could today. In the story, Evly has a witch cut her heart out of her chest and turn it into stone so she no longer feels the pain of missing Mira, the man trapped in her Magic Mirror. It’s a macabre arc for a macabre character, but it was meant as a commentary on the people who numb themselves instead of working through the pain they’re in. Although parents understood, I hope the Evil Queen warns my young readers about the dangers of bottling up their emotions.