For that, I could forgive him.
“It’s okay,” I whispered.
But that was only half true. I’d come to terms with him leaving and accepted it was what he needed to do. But that wasn’t everything. I couldn’t fault him for saving himself, but I could for never even saying goodbye.
I couldn’t let go of what it felt like the day I woke up in the morning feeling like everything was fine, like everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be, and went to bed that night sobbing and sick to my stomach because he was gone. Because he had left in the dead of night without ever telling me he was leaving or where he was going.
I could absolutely fault him for leaving me to fend for myself in a town I never wanted to stay in and that felt cold and empty without him. It felt like a betrayal, and that hurt was still deep inside me.
I didn’t understand what happened and how it could have happened so fast.
Chapter 13
Jesse
Shannon was smiling, but it didn’t get all the way into her eyes. It curved up her lips, but that was it.
I remembered the smiles from her that showed every one of her teeth and brightened up her entire face. Her smiles used to make her eyes glow and lifted up her eyebrows so no one anywhere in the area could possibly miss the expression.
That was something I loved about her. Everything was open and honest, right there out in front of the world like she never had anything to hide. What she felt, she showed off. Whether it was the bright, glistening smile that caught my heart, sizzling anger that could make just about anybody tuck his tail and run, or gut-wrenching sadness that made me ache deep inside.
She was trying to hide now. Just trying to convince me the smile was pure and real, that it was everything she was feeling. But I knew her better than that. I could see that sadness. I could see the hurt around the edges of her eyes and making her bottom lip quiver just slightly.
It hurt so much to see that in her. This was the girl I used to dream of starting a family with all those years ago when it felt like Green Valley was the entire world and she was the center of it. Shannon was going to be right by my side through everything. I was going to marry that girl. We were going to have a home and a family.
Hell, I still dreamed about it even when that innocence I didn’t realize I had was shattered. After I came face to face with the painful reality that I didn’t know everything and that I hadn’t even scraped the surface of the brutality that existed. All that broke what I believed and made me grow up fast. I went from thinking I was an adult and had it all figured out to having the world cracked wide open and revealed to me. Green Valley wasn’t big and important. It was nothing.
But none of that changed the way I felt about Shannon. Long after I made the most painful decision I ever made and went overseas, I still dreamed about her. Envisioning the life we could have together and the family we could raise kept me going.
I dreamed about her even when I doubted I would ever live long enough to see her again. And in the moments when I let myself imagine I would try finding my way back to her, I never imagined it would be like this. I let myself believe when I saw Shannon again she would be the same girl I left behind. But she wasn’t. She felt different. Hollow. Like part of her was missing.
God, I hoped I wasn’t the one who broke her. Who took that piece away.
The thought burned through my mind as Shannon pulled away from me in the water and started back toward shore. I’d watched her do that same walk so many times after every long hot summer day when submerging ourselves in the water was our reward for enduring the heat and dirt and work.
My last memories of her moving through the water like that were of her naked, unashamed. She didn’t feel the need to have anything between us then. But I still remembered many other summers when she was exactly the way she was then, down to her bra and panties.
The first time she did it, she laughed at my surprise and pointed out it really wasn’t any different than wearing a two-piece bathing suit. But it was. A bathing suit didn’t cling to her body the way her bra and panties did, and the fabric didn’t get so I could see through it to the hazy halo of her nipples and the shadow at the apex of her thighs.
I watched Shannon climb up out of the water and walk over to where she’d tossed her clothes as she ran for the edge of the swimming hole. She snatched up her shirt and dropped it down over her head, but when she picked up her pants, she just balled them up and stuffed them under her arm. That wasn’t anything new. I had seen her go through that exact process countless times before. It was how she always ended an afternoon swimming here.
When she got out of the water, she hated the way it felt to put clothes back on over wet skin. She would relent to putting on her panties and putting her shirt on over them, but that was as far as she would go for the drive home.
She climbed up into her truck and sat there with the window open, letting the evening breeze start drying her off. I remembered all those evenings driving along the narrow back roads, taking my time and weaving around as many times as I could just so I could prolong the time with her. It was distracting having her there beside me in nothing but her panties and a shirt, her nipples pressing out against the thin cotton.
Sometimes, it was my shirt she grabbed up out of the grass. When I glanced over at her in the truck, I saw her sitting there with my shirt on over her beautiful body and the hint of a smile on her lips that said she knew exactly what she was doing to me. Those were the times when it took longer for us to drive home. The back roads were quiet. Few people ever came down them, especially once the sun set and the work was done for the night. We had them to ourselves when I parked off to the side and pulled Shannon over into my lap.
It always ended just the same. When she climbed out of the water and put on her shirt, that was the way she would stay until we got all the way to her house. Then she would shimmy her way into her pants right before she got out of the truck. I knew what this meant.
“It’s over just like that?” I asked.
She nodded. “I have to go back to the shop. I only told Dad I’d be gone for a little while. He’s going to be expecting me back.”
“He’s already waiting for you. Can’t you let him wait just a little bit longer?”
She looked like she wanted to smile but was too torn between all the emotions going through her head. Instead, she shook her head at me.
“I have to go back,” she said. “We have too many cars on the go right now. I’m not sure what’s happening around Green Valley, but it seems like some sort of vehicle apocalypse is in the works. I can’t leave Dad to try to handle it all on his own. But I couldn’t resist coming out here. I really needed to see you for myself and make sure the rumors were true.”
“People are already talking?” I asked, shocked at today’s revelation.
That made Shannon laugh, but I wasn’t sure it was actual humor that inspired the sound. It was something more like bemusement that I would even ask.
She nodded. “Of course, they are, Jesse. This is Green Valley, remember?”
I knew exactly what that meant. Green Valley was far too small for any bit of information to get lost. And that probably went double for me. The Montgomery boys were always a popular topic of conversation among the people of the town.
Whether it was gossiping about the mischief and mayhem Garrett was getting himself into at any given time or asking questions about inscrutable Wade or whispering about me, there was always something to talk about. I should have expected there was no way I’d be able to come back to town and not have everybody know about it within moments.
But at least it got to Shannon. At least she came.
I reluctantly got out of the water and pulled my jeans on, cringing at the feeling of the denim pressing the wet fabric of my boxers against my skin. I gathered up the rest of our clothes and went back to the truck. Once again, I climbed up into the passenger seat and sat with the breeze against my face.
Shannon looked over at me a few times during the ride, but we stayed quiet as she drove me back to the ranch. She drove me right back to the same spot where I got in the truck with her, and we saw Clayton wasn’t working on the fence near the gate anymore. He probably moved on to fix something else on the property. It was impressive to see how quickly he worked through the damage and moved on to something else.
Not that it was a surprise. He didn’t have much of a choice but to learn to do the work of a couple of people. It was the only way to keep the ranch going and the family above water. I glanced at the clock in the dash of the truck and saw it was right around midday. Maybe he was at the house having lunch. That thought was somehow more comforting, like I could feel less guilty about going out to the swimming hole with Shannon if I knew he was taking a break, too.
I got out of the truck and waited for Shannon to walk around to me. We stood there for a few moments looking at each other. I could feel the years surrounding us. It wasn’t just the two of us standing there in the driveway. It was every version of ourselves, us at every age when we shared these moments.
“I’m glad you came by,” I finally said. “It was good to see you.”
Shannon nodded. “You, too,” she said. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?”
“I won’t. I promise. You’ll be seeing plenty more of me.”
“I’m going to hold you to that,” she said. “In fact, I’m holding you to it Friday night. Come down to The Junction for drinks with me, Sara, and a couple of others. That’s when we head up there. I know they’d like to see you.”
Giving her a smile, I nodded. “I’ll do my best to be there.”
“I’ll take it,” she said.
She walked me around toward the gate, handed me the pies, then got back in the truck. I watched her drive off, wishing I had more time with her that afternoon.
It didn’t take long for the lift I got from being with Shannon to disappear and leave me feeling sullen and a bit guilty. I made my way up the drive and went into the house. As soon as the door opened, I could smell fried chicken and cornbread and headed right for the kitchen.
Clayton was sitting at the table with a plate piled high and a glass of iced tea. Placing the pies on the counter, I went to the cabinet, got out my own plate, and dropped down into one of the other chairs. My brother waggled his eyebrows at me over his glass as he took a long sip.
“So how was Shannon?” he asked. “Did she give you a nice welcome home present?”
I rolled my eyes as I filled up my plate. “We went swimming.”
“And?” he asked, leading me.
I shrugged and took a bite out of a leg. “Just swimming,” I said.
Clayton frowned. “Damn. I figured she’d be all over you.”
“It’s not that simple,” I told him with a sigh.
Chapter 14
Shannon
There were a few things that were inevitable about every single summer in Green Valley, Montana. Cookouts filling the air with charcoal-tinted smoke, filled with smells that made my mouth water and my stomach rumble. Long days when the heat was so blistering even the mosquitoes felt too sluggish to bite. Fireworks lighting up the sky on the Fourth of July. And me lying around half-naked in my apartment cursing myself for not having an air conditioner.
That one wasn’t my favorite.
It ranked especially low on my list of summertime joys when sprawling out in my little studio wearing as little clothing as possible also included having Sara over. It wasn’t so much the time with my best friend that bothered me. It was the tendency to look at her in her skimpy little shorts and a sports bra and compare myself to her.
She looked like she’d just been spritzed with a water bottle in preparation for a Sports Illustrated spread, and I felt like I’d taken part in a tractor pull playing the role of the tractor.
But I made an agreement with myself. I only allowed ten minutes every summer of bemoaning her tiny body and wondering if there was any way I could whittle down my frame. After that, I checked myself and grabbed another beer.
I figured that was one of the good things that came along with already being built bigger and stronger than other girls. I could indulge without blinking, knowing I was never going to be willowy, so it didn’t really matter. A cold beer and a few slices of pizza tasted far better than having my bones sticking out would ever feel.
My allotted ten minutes of the summer were far over by the day after I spent the morning with Jesse, so I didn’t hesitate to grab for another slice of cheap pizza.
It was sweltering in the apartment and I was well into my annual tradition of cursing myself for not having air conditioning. I couldn’t decide if having the windows open was actually doing any good to rustle up the stagnant air, or just letting in more of the heat.
This was the kind of afternoon when I was tempted to fill up my bathtub with ice cubes and channel my inner penguin for a while. That possibility was still on the table, but for now, I was doing my best to think cool thoughts and believe in the power of an oscillating fan.
Sara took a long swig of her beer and tucked the bottle down into her sports bra. I laughed and shook my head.
“So, tell me everything,” she said.
She didn’t elaborate any further than that, but she really didn’t have to. I knew she was talking about me seeing Jesse the day before. As soon as I got back to the shop after leaving him at the gates, I texted her to let her know the rumors were true and I had seen the fabled Jesse Montgomery in the flesh.
At that point, I didn’t go into detail about just how much of that flesh I saw. Not that she didn’t ask. The next hour of me working on cars was spent with the jaunty little tune created by my phone alerting me to a continuous stream of texts from her trying to draw more information out of me.
It was only when I reminded her I was working alongside my father and didn’t exactly want to mix those two mental images that she backed off. But I knew that wasn’t going to last. She came over for pizza and beer, but I was under no delusion it wasn’t the promise of some juicy gossip that made her willing to walk into the oven that was my home.
“I decided I needed to see him for myself,” I said. “So I went up to the Montgomery Ranch. It just so happened he and Clayton were right there at the gate working on fixing a fence. Guess who else happened to be there?”
“I really don’t care,” she said flatly.
I laughed. “Come on. You’re not interested in finding out the full scope of the story?”
“Unless you rolled up to that gate and found the Montgomery boys having a conference with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, I’m not interested. You just go right ahead and skip over that part of the story and get to when you and Jesse got back together.”
I shook my head as I took another sip of my beer. “I wouldn’t go so far as to say we got back together. We drove out to the old swimming hole just like old times. We went for a dip that lasted just a few minutes. Then we parted ways.”
She stared at me for a few seconds like she was waiting for some big reveal.
“What?” she exclaimed when nothing else came. “That’s it? After all this time, Jesse Montgomery rolled his way back into Green Valley, and the two of you went swimming for a couple of minutes? I seriously thought the two of you would reunite and bone until fall.”
I nearly choked on the bite of pizza I’d just taken.
“Bone?” I asked after I managed to swallow. I arched an eyebrow at her and Sara stared back for one defiant second before letting out a sigh and throwing one hand up in the air.
“Whatever. Seriously. You’ve been pining over this guy for how long?”
“A long time,” I told her. “Almost a decade.”
“Exactly, and now he’s finally back in town and all you did was go for a little swim?” she asked incredulously.
I wasn’t sure exactly how to answer. I knew she came over that day all pumped up for the dirty details of a sexy reunion romp, and I was disappo
inting her with the cold reality that while I got to catch a glimpse of what his body looked like now that he was all grown up, it never got so far as romping.
“Things didn’t feel the same,” I said.
That was the best I could do. It wasn’t exactly a lot, but it was what I could offer her. It was immediately obvious it wasn’t enough for my nosy best friend.
“Well, no shit,” Sara snapped, ever the delicate pixie. “He’s not the same kid who left here. He’s a man now. And you’re a woman. Not to mention that a lot has happened since he left.” She pulled the beer bottle out of her cleavage and pressed the bottom to the inside of her thigh, sighing as she relished the bit of cool against her skin. “It is so fucking hot out. Tell me again why you don’t have air conditioning?”
“It would take the charm away from my little apartment?” I offered.
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah. I’ll make sure to mention that when the reporters arrive to do the spread on your place for Beautiful Homes and Garden.”
I hesitated before saying any more. The truth was, I didn’t know if I could actually explain it to her. I knew things didn’t feel the same way with Jesse the way they did before he left, but I couldn’t quite put a finger on why.
It wasn’t something I could easily define, something I could put clean easy words to that would make her understand. It was just something deep inside me I sensed, something I felt just got stronger the longer we were near each other.
“It’s really hard to explain,” I said lamely. “It’s like there’s something else there that hasn’t been there before.”
Sara looked at me with a quizzical expression. “What are you talking about?”
His Reckless Heart (The Montgomery Boys Book 1) Page 8