by Penn Cassidy
When Jason had come over the other day after school, he only had one thing on his mind. He’d been wild. The moment my door shut, he’d had me against the wall, his mouth devouring mine as his fingers slipped between my thighs. It caught me off guard, but I’d fallen into it yet again, like a spell weaving around my heart. But I’d pushed him away after a few heavy heartbeats. I just couldn’t stay into it without feeling sick with myself. I hated lying to them and to myself. I was sick of keeping secrets, and it was time I just let it all out on the table. If they didn’t want me anymore, then so be it. At least I’d know I tried.
I was pretty sure I’d scared Jason when the water works started. I completely understood his wide eyes. I mean, who the fuck breaks down like a hysterical baby after a makeout session that heated? I did, apparently, and he hadn’t known what he’d done wrong.
I couldn't turn it off, even as he’d demanded to know what was wrong. He’d always been a sucker for girl tears, and the babbling mess spilling out of my mouth like word vomit had him freaking out. I’d only told him half of it, not the full truth. I’d told him about how I had feelings for Norman, but I didn’t tell him it was all of them. I didn’t tell him how Norman was the one to take my virginity. I decided not to describe the way his best friend’s tongue and fingers had made me feel things I’d never felt before, and how I still ached to do it again.
Jason didn’t seem too upset. He’d been almost okay actually, as if he expected it, and gave me a small secret smile like he knew something I didn’t. I was worried he might get mad and call me a slut for harboring feelings for both of them. I knew for a fact there were others who wouldn’t hesitate. But he’d chuckled darkly before tackling me to the bed and demanded that I place my lips against his immediately. He’d nipped at my neck with little scattered love bites that made me blush and tingle down to my curling toes.
I needed to just stop being a baby and finally tell the guys how I really felt about them, before they heard it from someone else's mouth. It had to be me. I had to tell them the whole truth about what happened. Even if they didn’t feel the same way, at least it would be out there in the open.
“Dad, I can’t stress enough how much I really need to be there. Please… You guys don’t know how important this night is to me. Why don’t you ever let me go out during Halloween anyway?”
Was I pouting? Yes. Did I sound like a six-year-old and not an almost eighteen-year-old woman? Maybe. But their superstitions were getting in the way of my life, of actually living my best before college next year.
Dad looked over at Mom, his brows furrowing as he took a deep breath and released his death grip on the steering wheel. I watched him actively calm himself down and force a smile that was more of a grimace.
“Sorry, pumpkin, but the answer is still no. It’ll always be no. One day, you’ll understand why we do the things we do. We just want to keep you safe, and Halloween isn’t the safest night of the year. Maybe we’ll pop in a movie, say like...oh, I don’t know, Hocus Pocus? Your mom can make us some of her famous hot apple cider, eh?”
He smiled over at Mom with the same wide stretch of his lips he always reserved just for her, like she was the only star in his sky. Mom kept glancing back at me with hopeful ice blue eyes that matched my own, pleading with me to drop the subject and give in.
“I don’t want to stay inside on the spookiest night of the year and watch a movie with my parents when I could be with my friends instead. Why are you guys always saying no to everything I like to do?”
I was fuming. I just wanted to have a normal teenage life, to go out and have fun once in a while. “Why won’t you let me go outside when the sun goes down? Other girls get to go to the movies or hang out with their friends. Other teenagers go to parties on weekends. What is so damn bad about Halloween that we can’t even celebrate it?”
“Now isn’t the time to talk about this. You’ll know when you're ready to know these things. Everything we do has a reason,” Mom said, reaching back over her seat to swirl a piece of my dyed blonde hair between her fingertips. Crinkles appeared on the side of her eyes… I believe they were called crows feet, along with a soft, sad smile when I finally looked up at her.
“We love you, October,” Dad said as he reached over to clasp Mom’s other hand. He placed a gentle kiss on her knuckle.
He took his gaze off the road for a split second. Just one second to meet my eyes in the rearview mirror. One second was all it took to shatter time and make it stand still.
Mom was suddenly screaming, “David! The road!”
I could feel my own eyes widening in shock, pupils expanding in stark fear as the car headlights bounced off the silhouette of a tall man standing in the middle of the road. The car swerved to avoid him as Dad jerked the steering wheel to the right. The painted lines blurred as we launched off the road and careened down a ditch, feeling every bump and jolt. I could hear my mom screaming in the front seat. All I could focus on was the old oak tree we were heading towards at full speed.
Mom glanced back at me with terrified hopelessness in her bright gaze, just before a loud, crunching noise filled my ears. The last thing I could remember was my head slamming against the side window and seeing the spiderweb cracks in the broken glass smeared with blood. My blood.
That was the day I lost everything, including myself.
Every bit of loss and pain came back as the memories surfaced, causing me to gasp out loud as I drew in deep, shaking breaths. My eyes popped open, frantically scanning my surroundings.
I wasn’t in the car crash with my parents. I wasn’t screaming, or looking into my mother’s haunted eyes. It was only a dream, reserved for me every single night on repeat. I wished it was only a nightmare from my past instead of reality.
It took a minute for my head to clear and for it to all come back as I stared at the faded grey seat in front of me, listening to the soft sound of crickets coming through the open windows. There was a cool breeze flowing over my cheeks. Why is it so quiet? Where am I…and why do I feel like there should be screaming?
It came barreling back at once. The screaming, the crunch of metal and crack of bones. The bus crash, the guys. I was almost too scared to pull my gaze away from the discolored cushion in front of me as my breath came in pants, afraid to see their lifeless eyes and twisted necks. My stomach jumped into my throat, bile rising. I raised my fist, biting down into my flesh to hold in my tortured scream, because once I started, I might not be able to stop.
Oh god, I didn’t even remember seeing Maddie, but something scattered at the back of my memory said that I did. I remembered her flying forward and getting lost in the haze of screams and debris. Everyone was either horribly injured or dead. I released my fist and looked down at my trembling hands. They were clean, rather than covered in dirt, cuts, and blood. Blood that wasn’t mine to begin with. My stomach lurched at that thought. I knew whose blood it should have been, and even though I couldn’t see it, it was still there under the skin. The ghost of the memory made my head spin, my heart pounding like it wanted to rip out of my chest and lay at my feet bleeding out.
Gathering the courage to do what had to be done, I held my breath as I slowly stretched up in my seat, my neck craning to look around this new graveyard. Families needed to know what happened here tonight, and I hoped someone had already called 911. Who knew how long we’d been out here, but I didn’t hear any sirens.
What in the world…?
Everything was completely wrong. As I finally realized my surroundings, I noticed the bus sat in one piece, not separated in two halves with the engine on fire and corpses riddling the floor. The air was clear of smoke. No sign of a crash or even a slight impact. Just a normal bus, sitting on the side of a lonely country road. Quiet breathing filled the eerie stillness, and I stood on shaking legs, only to have them collapse under me again. It was like walking on noodles, and I had to hold myself up with weak arms.
I could see over the top of the seat and just make out M
addie’s red cheerleading outfit, her chest rising up and down. Her face was covered by a hoodie, as if she were only sleeping. Relief flooded through me so strong, I let out a quiet sob. She was here…she was alive. I clenched the seat to pull myself up, leaning over to shake her shoulders roughly.
“Maddie, wake up!” I rasped, desperately pulling the hoodie off her and practically falling on my ass when her face turned towards me.
Holy shit…
Her eyes popped open instantly, her honey brown gaze connecting with mine as she started to gasp like a fish out of water. She looked past me for a second, as if she wasn't even really seeing me. As if the same memories were flooding back as they had with me. I watched the terror leave her slowly, and after a few heartbeats, her shoulders sagged when she realized it was just me. I was pretty sure my mouth was gaping as I continued to stare at her. I was speechless.
“Oh, thank god you're alive!” she choked out, seconds before she jumped up and crushed me in a hug so tight, I swore a rib cracked. She released me almost as fast but kept ahold of my shoulders. She looked me over with a frown on her face.
“Why are you staring at me like that? What’s wrong?” Her eyes traveled over my stricken face, confused. “You know, I had the strangest dream…” She tilted her head at me, but then gasped loudly again, slapping a hand over her mouth, eyes going impossibly wide as she stared at the side of my head.
“Your hair!” I blurted, knowing she was about to freak out. I was freaking out.
“Oh my god, what happened to your hair?!” she said at the exact same time.
“My hair?” I asked in bewilderment.
She grabbed a piece of mine and held it up, showing me a streak of pure white that absolutely wasn’t there before. I glanced down on the other side, and to my relief, the rest of my hair was still dark orange. I didn’t take the time to really examine it, because Maddie was staring at her own locks now with a deep, confused frown.
Yup, here comes the screaming…
“Why is my hair black!?” she screeched, high pitched and ear splitting. She stumbled back into her seat and frantically ran her fingers through her new inky hair, pulling at the strands as if they were magically going to pop off like a wig.
“Jesus H. Christ, stop the noise! For the love of god, make it stop,” a deep voice grumbled—no, demanded. I’d know that voice anywhere…
My head whipped around so fast, I probably looked like a scene from The Exorcist. The need to move towards him and perhaps tackle him had me stumbling over my seat to get to the aisle. I walked on shaking legs, taking deep, steadying breaths. It’s not real, it can’t be. I saw his… I saw… He was dead! Like…dead, dead!
“Norman?” My voice wobbled. I couldn’t help it. Seeing his emerald green eyes flicker up at me from his crouched position in the middle of two seats brought so many emotions barreling to the surface at once. It was overwhelming. His green eyes were so full of life…unlike the pale shade of vacant green I’d seen last time.
“What are you staring at, goth freak?” His voice, deep yet deadly soft, made my skin break out in goosebumps. I truly thought I’d never hear it again.
Those intense eyes were achingly familiar, even though we’d grown so distant. They used to follow my every movement… If I were to put my hair behind my ear, he would be watching, as if he was filing it away for later. If I laughed or scowled or sniffed, he was somehow always there watching, even if he sneered my way.
He still stared, but nowadays, it was more of a disgusted glare. He hated me, truly hated me. Maybe I deserved that hate. After lying so much and pushing them all away, maybe I did deserve it. But I never wanted to cause him pain, especially not the kind of pain I was living day in and day out for a year now.
"Nothing. I just… You're alive." My hand had a mind of its own as I slowly crowded his space. One more step, and I had my palm on his sharp cheekbone, skimming my thumb under his eye just to feel him. His skin was cold, so freezing that it felt like pins and needles on my fingertips.
His jaw tightened at my touch, and he stared up at me with a look I couldn’t describe. It was dangerous the way he was still holding my stare, but all the more alluring when those deep, jewel toned eyes flashed with a look of gentle tenderness. Just when I was about to pull away from embarrassment, his hand captured mine and held it a second longer against his cheek without looking away.
"I miss…if only she…smile." What sounded like his voice whispered in my ear, but I was staring at him the whole time and his mouth never once moved.
"What was that?" I asked, peering down at him in bewilderment, wondering if I was losing my mind and needed to check into an asylum once the paramedics arrived.
Maybe I'll take Maddie with me, because she's still freaking out. And indeed she was—sitting up front seemingly talking to herself, trying to convince herself she was still dreaming. Today was definitely topping the list of the strangest things 2020 would bring, and that was saying something.
"I said get the fuck away from me.” Icy breath caressed my face. “I don't want your freaky diseases anywhere near me," he hissed through clenched teeth, slapping my hand away at the same time. His once soft eyes were ice cold as he stood up to tower over me. It was like a switch had been flipped, or a shroud had been pulled back into place. I’d seen past it for a moment, but it was so brief.
I stumbled back, tripping over my own two feet, and prayed my ass wasn’t going to be black and blue later. Luck, it seemed, was on my side, because two arms wrapped around my waist from behind, catching my fall. My lips parted with a thank you just as I was turning around, but the words died on my lips just as fast.
The man who stood in front of me looked like Michael, but didn't at the same time. Tall, with a muscular body that gave the best hugs in the whole world, but could also crush you like a bug when you crossed him. He was the same, still Michael, only minor details were different. Inside, I was freaking the hell out about them. It took a moment to realize why the hell he looked so different. And then I realized…
Why was everyone’s hair changing?! Did we take a trip to the salon and forget about it? Maybe carbon monoxide was leaking, or this is just a sick joke. First Maddie with her new black mane, then me with the white streak, and now Michael. Michael loved his hair, and it was usually a dark sandy blond color, but not so much now. His hair had turned a bright silver that reminded me of moonlight on a lake. The effect was jaw dropping and made his ocean eyes pop against his skin. What was even stranger, when I took in the rest of him, were his fingertips, currently covered in what looked like black ink, crawling up to his wrists in swirling designs.
“Dude, why are my hands covered in black shit?!” Michael stared down at his fingers in disbelief and shock. The blackness was creeping up slowly, and it looked like it was writhing under his skin.
“Probably Carrot Top playing more of her mind games. Right, little goth? You just love games,” Freddy said with an emotionless laugh. My eyes went wide. Freddy, too? Had I only imagined that bus accident?
I peered over Michael’s shoulder with a forced glare and smacked his hands away from my waist. Freddy sat behind him, his golden hair like a beacon in the dark. He was staring at me with a cruel yet relaxed smirk, and he reached high over the seat to ruffle Michael’s hair. “I gotta say, man, this hair is wild. Absolutely wild.”
Michael shoved him away, scowling. Freddy and Norman started laughing as he bent down to look in the window at his reflection. The girlish scream he let out would forever play on repeat in my mind, and the way he turned to glance at Maddie in shock was even better. They both let out comically loud shrieks, as if they were united in their hair horror. My god, they were divas.
“I swear to god, if you don’t stop with the noise, I’m gonna kick both your asses off this fucking bus,” grumbled another husky voice toward the front. My heart dropped to my stomach and fluttered back up again in a matter of a split second.
Jason… Holy shit!
I m
ight have had some lingering loathing for these assholes, but the heart never truly stops loving, even when it’s been kicked and beaten down until it’s on its last dying breath. In this case, my heart was hammering.
We all swung around as one and faced Jason. Our eyes connected first, and I didn’t miss the way his stormy greys swept me from head to toe, as if checking for something. Checking for injuries, maybe? But he was done in a heartbeat, and his concern morphed into a disgusted dirty look once more.
“Anyone else have a bizarre fucking dream?” Maddie asked, holding the sides of her head. “Shit…maybe this is a dream right now! Oh my god, pinch me!” She made a gimme gesture at Michael, prompting him to reach over and pinch her on the forearm hard.
I think we were all holding our breath, only to sag with utter dread when she yelped and jumped back, smacking his hand away before collapsing against the window with her arm dramatically draped over her eyes. “Not a dream… Oh god, do you have any idea how much it cost to get my hair so perfectly golden?”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Everyone needs to just calm down. Think critically. There has to be an explanation. Maybe we’re hallucinating, or maybe Maddie’s right and this is just some kind of shared fucked up dream…” The others eyes me dubiously. “Okay, yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head, but what else could it be? Look at our hair!” I gestured around wildly.
Jason stood up, glaring out the side windows saying, “Forget the hair for a second! Where the hell is everyone else? There were fifty of us plus the driver. I don’t see anyone out there. Maybe it’s a prank, like a Halloween one? Did we even leave that carnival?” He looked straight at me, as if somehow I’d be the one with all the answers.
I shifted nervously under the pressure of everyone’s attention. They all looked pissed, except for Maddie, who moved her arm to glance up at me, because my girl had my back no matter what. I rolled my eyes with a long sigh.