Her chest constricted at the sudden realization that this wouldn’t last. How could it? She barely knew EJ. She still hadn’t resolved anything with her dad, so she was planning on leaving soon. People always ended up leaving, her included. She’d accepted that a long time ago. It was just how it was.
Before she could remind him of that very fact, he leaned down and kissed her chilly lips.
Damn.
Jemma walked through the small boutique, stopping every now and then to run her fingers along some fabric or look at a price tag. What to wear on an ice-skating date with a man she was pretty sure she was falling in love with, even though the word love was so far removed from her vocabulary that she couldn’t even speak it out loud? A good, sensible sweater, that was what.
It was what she’d intended to buy. But the longer she walked around the little shop that smelled of cinnamon and had a calico cat sleeping on the windowsill, she started to lean toward something else. All the clothes were cute and trendy. She wasn’t used to cute and trendy. She was used to functional and non-shrinking. But all of a sudden, she wanted EJ to see a side of her he hadn’t before. A wilder side. A side that screamed silk and satin. She wasn’t altogether sure this side would ice-skate well, but she was pretty confident it’d look good attempting it.
“That would look stunning on you,” said a clerk, walking over with an armful of camisoles to stock. “The green would make your eyes pop.”
Jemma looked up. “You think?”
“Oh, I know.”
She ran her hand along the sleeve of the cashmere sweater. It was the most gorgeous emerald green. Plus, it would be form fitting, and the V-neck would show off some festive cleavage if she chose to wear a push-up bra underneath. She could already picture how it might look with her favorite diamond pendant that Justine had given her for her college graduation. Simple, elegant. She thought EJ would like it.
She took the hanger off the rack and turned to the clerk again. “Do you have a fitting room?”
“Of course, sweetie. Follow me.”
They wound their way between stacks of jeans with intricately stitched pockets, a table of matching bras and panties, and a display of scarves with the most beautiful designs Jemma thought she’d ever seen.
The clerk unlocked a room, leaving her with a promise to be back if she needed anything.
Jemma stepped inside just as her cell rang from her purse. She hung the sweater up against the mirror, and then dug her phone out. Justine...
“Hello?” She’d been dreading this conversation. Her sister could read her like an open book, and probably already knew this trip to Marietta was turning out to be a lot more enjoyable than Jemma had planned. Like, so enjoyable in fact, that she was contemplating the purchase of a sweater that would enhance her boobs. She didn’t see Justine being on board with that particular plan.
“What’s up? Why didn’t you call the other day?”
It was getting closer and closer to Christmas. Even though they didn’t celebrate, they still got together beforehand and had dinner. Maybe it had been their way of celebrating all along. Maybe they’d never truly wanted to stop.
“I’ve just been busy. You know, with Dad and stuff.”
“And stuff?” Justine paused. “What kind of stuff?”
“The Christmas-tree auction, getting some work done in the evenings. Stuff like that.”
“Oh. I didn’t know the Christmas-tree thing was going to be that big a deal. How much do you have to do?”
It was more like...how much did she get to do? Of course, Justine hadn’t seen EJ yet, so she got a pass. She couldn’t know how beautiful he was, or how much Jemma longed for his attention. And if she got it while working on decorating a Christmas tree for charity, well, that was just the cherry on the candy-cane cake.
“The auction is next weekend, so we’ll be working a lot this week.”
“We?”
“EJ and me.”
“Dad’s physical therapist?”
“Yup.”
“Jemma...”
“Justine.”
Her sister’s tone implied a lecture was coming. Sighing, she sat on the little stool beside the sweater that silently begged to be put on.
“I just think you might be getting in over your head there,” Justine said quietly. “You’re coming home soon. You’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty. Why drag it out?”
“I asked him why he left.”
At that, Justine went silent. Jemma hadn’t meant to bring it up. It hadn’t exactly been a healing conversation with Joe. In fact, it had only brought up more questions, more pain. But she needed to share this with the only other person in the world who really knew how she felt.
“I don’t care.”
Jemma knew better. “So you’ve said.”
More silence. Then a long, drawn-out sigh. “Well, you might as well tell me.”
“He said he wasn’t ready to be a dad.”
Justine laughed bitterly. “That’s rich.”
“He said he and mom weren’t happy, that he was afraid it’d be worse in the long run if he stayed.”
“Uh-huh.”
“He said he loves us, and that Mom would never let us see him after he left. That he tried.”
“Why are you even talking about this with him, Jemma? Why are you letting him grovel? He left. It doesn’t matter why; he just did.”
Jemma switched the phone to her other ear, her hands growing clammy. “He tried to visit. I remember that.”
“Yeah. So?”
“You remember, too.”
“I remember the day he left more. He doesn’t deserve a second chance.”
It was Jemma’s turn to be silent. But what if he does? It was a question that had been nagging her since arriving in Marietta. The town that embodied the spirit of the season, and all that went with it. Happiness, peace, forgiveness...
She leaned forward and put her elbows on her knees, pressing the phone firmly to her ear. “I don’t know that it’s so black and white anymore. At least, it doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels more...complicated now.”
“Maybe for you.”
“You know, you don’t have to stay mad for Mom’s sake. She was at fault, too. They both were.”
She heard Justine’s sharp intake of breath. “Excuse me?”
It was the first time she’d ever defended their dad, in any way, shape, or form. She’d never even considered it until this very moment, not until she pictured him sitting across from her at the café, his gray hair combed neatly, his hands wrinkled and aged around his coffee cup.
“He left Mom with two kids,” Justine said. “With a mortgage, a car payment, and a whole life. I can’t believe you’d even say that.”
“I can’t believe you won’t try and see both sides. Mom was human. But so was Dad. We all make mistakes, Justine. Does that mean we have to pay for them for the rest of our lives?”
Her sister was quiet. Jemma stared at the sweater that just a few minutes ago, she’d pictured wearing for EJ. But now, there was a deep and meaningful ache inside her chest that dampened the mood. She hated this conversation. She hated what had happened all those years ago, and that as hard as she’d tried to put it behind her, she hadn’t even begun to yet. But most of all, she hated the tone in Justine’s voice. Bitterness that, if left unchecked, would eventually destroy her. It would seep into every relationship she had, including the one with her only sibling, until there was nothing left. It was only now that Jemma could see that same bitterness within herself, and it scared her.
She rubbed her temple with her free hand as she heard the clerk humming to herself outside the changing room.
“Would you consider coming to Marietta to see Dad?” she asked evenly.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“No.”
“Why not?” All of a sudden, she was tired. Tired of trying to mend family riffs that might be un-mendable.
“Because—
”
Justine’s voice broke. Her big sister, always so strong and stoic, would rather get hit by a horse-drawn sleigh than cry in front of anyone. She was cracking. Her meticulously constructed armor was cracking, and it broke Jemma’s heart.
“Because,” Justine continued, carefully this time, “I can’t let him hurt me again.”
It was a simple explanation. And it made absolutely perfect sense.
Jemma let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, and looked at her reflection again. Her eyes had a weary look that matched her mood. It aged her.
Forgiveness was all well and good. In theory. But she couldn’t help but agree with her sister on this one.
Chapter Thirteen
EJ looked over at Jemma in the passenger seat of the Jeep. Every now and then, lights from passing cars would illuminate her face, which was lovelier tonight than he’d ever seen it. He could tell she’d done something different, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Makeup, maybe? Hair? Whatever it was, she’d knocked the breath directly from his chest when he’d picked her up at the hotel. And was continuing to steal little bits of it as the minutes ticked on.
She sat there quietly, hands folded primly in her lap, her gray wool jacket buttoned to her chin. She looked so perfect. But damn, he wished she’d let those curls down. He’d love to see her let go of some of that china-doll stiffness and relax some. He guessed Jemma had been wound so tight for so long that she was like a coiled spring. About to break free in an explosion of pent-up energy that could be good, or could be bad. Depending on the circumstances.
She looked over then, just as they passed under a streetlamp. She smiled, and her teeth flashed straight and white against her red lips.
“What?”
“I can’t stop looking at you. And that’s not conducive to driving.”
She smiled wider, and he thought briefly of pulling over and taking her right there on the side of the road.
“We can’t get in an accident,” she said. “We haven’t been ice-skating yet, and I’ve been looking forward to this for days.”
“What you should be looking forward to is my grace and agility, which will put every other ice-skater to shame, I’m sorry to say.”
“And so humble, too.”
“That’s for suckers.”
“Is it, though?”
“Yes, it is. And I’ll say something else.”
“Mmm?”
“When I get going, you might want to keep your distance. There’s no telling which way I’ll go, or how many arms and legs will be involved.”
She laughed. “That’s when you’re falling, right?”
“Bite your tongue, princess.”
She reached over and hit him in the arm. “Stop calling me that!”
The scenery outside the Jeep was blanketed with fresh snow. The moon overhead cast it in a bluish light. The pines and spruces standing sentry next to the mountain road were laden with it, their branches outstretched like giant arms ready to catch more.
He nudged Jemma and pointed out his window. “Look. Over there.”
Just through the trees, lights flickered in the distance. A second later, the lake appeared though a clearing—a beautiful, glassy, almost-perfect circle. People dressed in colorful winter clothing skated around on it. EJ cracked his window, and they could hear the laughter echoing through the woods.
“Oh my God,” Jemma said. “It’s like a fairy tale.”
“Wait until you taste the hot chocolate.”
“Why haven’t we been ice-skating every single night again? I forget.”
“Because we’ve been doing other things.”
“We have. We have been doing other things.”
“Fun things.”
“Very fun things.”
Slowing the Jeep, he turned onto the bumpy dirt road that led to the lake. Jemma reached over and put her hand on his thigh.
“Thank you for bringing me out here,” she said.
He looked over and saw that her eyes were bright. He covered her hand with his and squeezed it. “You’re welcome.”
“I’ve never had a date like this before...” She paused, as if considering what to say next. Then took an audible breath. “Have you brought a lot of girls up here?”
“Only to snowshoe.”
She moved her thumb over his thigh. The touch sent a bolt of electricity straight to his groin.
“I’m going back soon.”
He shifted down and stared at the road ahead. “I know.”
“I don’t know where that leaves us.”
There was a familiar tickle at the back of his throat that always seemed to appear the second anyone mentioned commitment. It was a thing he had. His thing. There was a distant part of himself that recognized he’d always be a little weird because of his parents.
His fist squeezed over the gear shift. He’d wanted Jemma since the first time he’d seen her. But that didn’t change anything. Not really. He’d been dreading this conversation, mostly because he didn’t want her to leave. But he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t worried she’d ask for something he wasn’t ready to give.
He took a deep breath, thinking of how to respond. He didn’t know where it would leave them, either. He had no idea.
“Jemma...” he began slowly.
“I think it’d be best if we broke this off clean.”
Her hand remained exactly where it was, but it had gone still. Just like the beating of his heart. Well, shit. He hadn’t expected that.
“I live in Missoula, and you live here,” she continued matter-of-factly. “I think trying anything long distance would just complicate things, don’t you?”
He kept watching the road, not knowing what the hell to say. That was supposed to be his line.
“Let’s just enjoy it while it lasts,” she said. “No strings, okay?”
“Okay...”
He should be relieved. She was taking care of the messy side, so he didn’t have to. But he wasn’t relieved. He was confused.
Slowing, he pulled the Jeep over and put it in park.
“That’s fine,” he said, turning to face her. “But are you sure this doesn’t have more to do with your dad than us?”
She raised her brows. In the moonlight, her skin looked almost translucent. “What do you mean?”
“Have you talked things through with him?”
“Are you suggesting I’m running away because I can’t handle a relationship with my dad?”
“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.”
If he wasn’t careful, he’d end up talking her into staying, and that wasn’t what he wanted. If she stayed, great. They’d have a good time while she was here. But if she left, that was her choice. He’d always firmly believed in freedom of choice. But the question about Joe had to be asked. He felt close enough to the guy to be personally invested. And the fact that his hand was still balled into a fist on the gear shift had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he’d just pictured saying goodbye to her. Nothing at all.
“Well, that’s ridiculous,” she said.
“Is it?”
“I talked to him just the other day, as a matter of fact.”
“And?”
“And...why do you care so much?”
That was a good question. He did care. But when it came right down to it, Joe wasn’t his dad, his uncle, or even a long-lost relative. He was a good friend, and that was it. Normal circumstances would dictate that EJ butt out and be there for Joe afterward. But he’d kissed his daughter and gotten himself in over his head. So, did he care? Yeah, he did. Could he justify why? No, he couldn’t. At least not in a way that made any damn sense at the moment.
“Because,” he said. “I just do.” Well, that was lame.
She stared at him, and then sighed. “I asked why he left. I took your advice and asked, and the answer was crappy, okay? But at least now I know. He just wasn’t ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood.”
Her voice cracked on that last word, and there was a sudden, unexpected flash of anger toward Joe. EJ understood how it felt when your dad wasn’t “ready for fatherhood”. And it wasn’t great. Jemma hadn’t been abandoned at the neighbor’s house, but she’d been left by him just the same.
“I’m proud of you for asking,” he said. “I know it wasn’t easy.”
She shrugged, and he could tell she was trying not to cry. “I’ve been thinking about what you said about forgiving him. I really have. I even lectured Justine about it last night. But I just don’t know if I’m there yet.”
Well, that was it then. She had the perfect excuse for leaving Marietta. Not to mention she lived somewhere else, had a job somewhere else. The fact he knew she could relocate if she wanted to shouldn’t matter.
He swallowed and found his throat had gone dry. “So we’ll make a badass Christmas tree, and you’ll look me up if you come back to town, okay?”
It was meant to be playful, light. Was meant to put her at ease, but she frowned and dipped her head.
Putting two fingers under her chin, he lifted it so she had to look at him again. “I want you to come back to town, Jemma. And that’s new for me.”
At that, she smiled. Just a little. She wasn’t nearly as tough as she wanted him to believe. “That’s a semi-clean break, then.”
“Fairly clean. I’ll take it.”
Before she could say anything else, he unbuckled his seat belt and leaned over to kiss her. She tasted like cherry lip gloss and summertime.
She immediately parted her lips and let him inside. His heartbeat picked up, and the Jeep felt twenty degrees hotter than it had a second ago. She made a small sound in the back of her throat, and moved her hand to the inside of his thigh.
His breath caught inside his chest. He was okay with her leaving. He was okay with it. Really.
If he kept telling himself that, maybe he’d start to believe it.
The truth was, EJ had never been ice-skating in his life. He also wasn’t used to looking like a novice in front of women. He sat on the bench staring at the skates on his feet while Jemma sipped her hot chocolate beside him. She kept making warm purring noises, which normally would’ve made him hot. But here, now, negotiating his feet, which felt like they were encased in two blocks of concrete, he was having trouble concentrating on anything but standing up without falling on his ass. Clearly, he hadn’t thought this through.
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