by K. I. Lynn
If I told him, he’d stay.
I suddenly felt trapped by an invisible force, cornered with no way out, and it had me clawing at the walls.
Could I even tell him? I wasn’t sure with how unsteady things were between us. All I knew was that he’d do the honorable thing and sacrifice himself to me because that was the kind of guy he was. Not because he wanted Kinsey or me, but because of a baby that was his. Just like he did with his ex.
That was the last thing I wanted. I needed him to be with me because he loved me. I refused to be an obligation, or a placeholder like I was with Pete—not worth the effort of a real relationship.
It was my fear and insecurity talking, but the more I thought about it, the more my chest tightened and my anxiety grew. Over and over the men in my life had left me, many times without a reason or knowing what I did wrong.
The last thing I wanted was a relationship with no real substance, held together by honorable intentions.
It clicked then—life had taught me that men left, and that I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I had to let him go before he woke up and left me. But first, I needed to find out if I was pregnant or if it was just stress.
It was the most agonizing four hours of my life. The pit in my stomach consumed me, and I didn’t pause when the time came. I just left.
My hands were shaking, and I couldn’t stop my leg from bouncing the entire half-hour train ride back to Lenox Hill. After picking Kinsey up, I rushed toward home, stopping at a drug store on the way. The clerk took one look at me, then Kinsey, then the package, and after my card went through, I glared at her as I ripped the bag out of her hand.
Judgmental bitch.
Kinsey was upset the whole walk home, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever related to one of her moods so much.
As soon as we were home, I put her on the floor and ran into the bathroom. She was still crying as she crawled down the hall toward me. I had to be quick.
I ripped open the package and when I set the completed test down on the counter, she was inside the bathroom. After cleaning up, I picked her up and wiped a tear that slid down my cheek.
I held her close and bounced her in an attempt to soothe us both. She rubbed her snotty face on my shirt, and I could hardly care.
After a few minutes had passed, I moved over to the counter and looked down.
I blew out a breath and nearly cried when only one pink line showed up. Relief flooded me, and I sat down on the edge of the tub, completely drained.
The whole scare highlighted one thing—I needed to let Thane go.
I stood and moved toward the kitchen, my eyes stinging, tears filling my vision.
He wasn’t meant for me, despite how much I loved him, and it would just hurt more when he woke up to that fact. The relief I felt at not being pregnant was quickly followed by the disturbing thought of him not being in my life. My chest clenched and I had trouble drawing in a deep breath at the thought of him with someone else.
How much worse would it be in a month? Six months? When he finally got tired of me and woke up, how much more in love with him would I be?
I would be a mess. I’d never in my life felt so deeply for any man, and the thought of that ending gutted me. The realization of what I needed to do hit me so hard that my knees went weak and I dropped down onto the couch.
In the background of my mind I could hear Kinsey, but aside from that was a reverberating emptiness that opened up inside me. It was an out-of-body like experience. I could feel nothing but the blackness of pain slowly creeping in.
There was no way to know how long I stayed in that paralyzed state when my phone notification going off brought me back.
Thane: What do you want for dinner, baby?
I stared at the screen, blinking before I processed the words.
Roe: I’ve got it covered.
What was I going to do? I knew what I needed to do, but could I actually break up with him?
Thane: You sure? I’ll get you whatever you want.
The truth was I didn’t want anything. I had no appetite.
Roe: Yup, I’ve got what I want. You should just get yourself something.
Thane: What is going on lately?
I bit down on my bottom lip as my fingers hovered over the screen. The emotions rolled inside me and I tried to get a handle on what I wanted to say, but one hand seemed to be fighting with the other.
Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I typed out the words that broke my heart. But he was never meant for me.
Roe: I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
I nearly rear-ended a car when her text came through my speakers.
What the fuck?
Somehow I managed to park at my building without further incident while my chest was fucking bleeding out. I didn’t bother going home. I just started walking to her apartment, because I refused to believe her message. There was no way we were over.
That text contained words nobody ever wanted to hear, especially not from someone that you loved with all your heart.
I was shaking on the walk to her apartment. I didn’t respond to her text. I couldn’t. There was something I missed, a word she forgot to type. Maybe she didn’t think we should eat out anymore? We had just been talking about food.
I prayed that was it, but I knew that it wasn’t. Her walls, her trust issues—I’d failed to get through them.
The air between us had felt stiff and awkward for weeks, ever since we ran into Liv. Something about that day shifted our relationship, but what happened this week for her to end things so suddenly?
With each step I wracked my brain, replaying every conversation over and over in an attempt to pick out where I fucked up.
Finally, I was standing at her door, slamming my fist against the wood.
There was silence before the lock spun and there she was.
Her expression was lifeless and lost. Still, I could see the evidence that she’d been crying.
I pushed past her into the living space and turned, noticing Kinsey wasn’t in the room. “Tell me that text didn’t say you wanted to break up with me.”
She swallowed and looked away from me. “We don’t belong together.”
I stared at her in stunned silence, trying to process the words that came out of her mouth because I knew I didn’t hear her right. There was no way she was saying we were through.
She was my perfect match. The light in my day and the beating of my heart. A heart that was cracking, because it was true—she didn’t want to be with me anymore.
She didn’t want me.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked.
She swallowed hard, and that lost look in her eyes hardened into resolve. “Guys like you don’t normally date girls like me.”
“Girls like you? What does that mean?”
“I have a baby. I may not have given birth to her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am her mother. And this isn’t temporary. I am her legal guardian. I’m all she’s ever known.”
“And?” It wasn’t like it was something new, and I’d never treated it as temporary.
“And I’m a package deal. Nights without her don’t happen often.”
Is that what this was about? Date nights? “I understand that.”
“Do you?”
My jaw clenched as I stared at her. “Are you trying to fight with me? I’m not getting what you’re trying for here.”
She wrapped her arms around her torso. It wasn’t a standoffish gesture, but more of a protective one, leaving me even more confused about how shit went sideways.
“What I’m getting at is that she will come before my job. She will come before you. And I know how you feel about that.”
“How do you know?” I asked. I couldn’t keep the anger out of my tone. “Have I ever given you any indication that I wouldn’t want you because of her?”
“Yes!”
“When?” I asked. I needed to know where the fuck she got such a ridicu
lous idea.
“When you bitched about Crystal taking time off to bond with her newborn instead of working. About her putting her baby before you.”
I shook my head. We’d talked about that day. She knew my issues. “That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?”
“I was an asshole to say that, and it was said in frustration because Crystal keeps me sane. She’s worked for me for years, and we are a well-oiled machine. But you know, you fucking know, that’s not how I feel.”
“What happens now that she’s back and has to leave early because the baby is sick, or calls off because the baby needs her, or has to always leave on time every day to get to the daycare before they close?”
I stared at her, at a loss where the sudden anger was coming from. “Roe…”
“Does she no longer have value? Will you get rid of her because she can’t be there for you every moment of every day?” She was practically screaming at me and all I could do was stare at her. I wanted to pull her to me, to comfort her, but her body language suggested that would be a bad idea.
“Where is all this coming from?” I asked, keeping my tone low and even in an attempt to calm her.
“Because Kinsey is getting attached to you! So am I. And I can’t bear it when you decide you should be my sole focus and I can’t do that and you leave me.”
Her bottom lip trembled, tears filling her eyes as she looked away. I reached out and cupped her face, bringing her back to face me.
“Who said I was going to leave you?” Because I was never going to leave her.
“Nobody.”
“Then why would you think that?”
“Because we don’t make sense, and when you see that or when you get tired of me always putting Kinsey first, you’ll be done with us.”
I gently cupped her jaw with both hands and pulled her closer. “And why do you get to decide how I may or may not react? What I feel for you is more than just a skim coating of emotional attachment. It’s not going to crack and fall away at the first stress.”
Tears filled her eyes. “You deserve more than me and all that I come with.”
I shook my head. “No. You’ve let shitheads like your ex warp your mind over years and years.”
“And you haven’t? Our pasts are impeding the present, but you’re overlooking the obvious. You were so mad at Crystal for staying home with her baby when you yourself know what it’s like to be abandoned by your mother. What you say now doesn’t match with the words and actions from when I first took over.”
“Crystal has worked for me for five years and when she extended her maternity leave, I was afraid she wasn’t coming back and that fucked me up. Because I have this fucked-up fear that makes me lash out.” I pulled at my hair. “I was afraid she was going to abandon me just like you’re doing now. It fucks me up and I’ve never been able to shake the fear that I would never be important enough for you to stay.”
The silence between us hung in the air as prevalent as a third person. An observer to heartbreak watching over us.
“I was honest with you about my baggage,” I said after a few minutes.
“But my baggage makes this so much worse.”
“How so?”
“Because no matter what, I will always have to make Kinsey my priority. No matter how much I love you, her needs come first, and…” she trailed off, her lower lip trembling, tears filling her eyes. “I don’t think you can handle that.”
“No,” I growled. “You will not pin this on me. I want you. All I want is you. I don’t want anyone else.”
“Please don’t make this harder.”
“Why does it have to be hard? Why does it have to be done at all? Tell me!”
She shook her head and back away. “This is best for both of us.”
“Like hell it is!” I yelled. No. Fuck, no. “Why do you get to decide what’s best for me? Especially when that decision will fucking slice me open and tear my heart from my chest. Why do you get to decide that?”
She was silent, her gaze glued to the floor. “You should go.”
I lifted her chin to look at me, our eyes locking. “No. Not until you tell me why.”
“Because we just won’t work,” she said as a tear slipped down her cheek.
Lies. It was all fucking lies. I knew it. She knew it.
But we were at an impasse, and her decision was final.
She was dumping me for no fucking good reason.
“I won’t accept it, Roe. You’re scared right now, and you have the right to be so I’ll give you some space, but know this—I’m not going away. I will always be there for you for whatever you need. I’m not done with you, and I never will be.”
And with that, I walked past her and out the door. I had to get away from her before things became worse, before she convinced herself that she could never love me.
The sound of the door slamming jolted my system. It felt like that one act cracked open my chest and had me bleeding out. I wanted to go after him, to tell him I loved him and beg his forgiveness, but my feet were firmly planted.
My bottom lip trembled as I looked around the room. There were scattered reminders of Thane everywhere. He’d become so integrated into our lives. How did I not notice that? Was it because he fell so easily, fit in so nicely with us?
I pulled a bag out and scrambled around picking up anything and everything that was his. I needed it all gone. All reminders of him needed to disappear so that I could breathe again because I was choking on my despair.
Despair borne of a situation that I created. That I instigated. Because I knew he’d be better off with someone like Liv, someone more like him.
Someone who could love him more…
A sob broke out and I fell down to the floor, clutching his NYU shirt in my hands.
My chest felt like it was breaking open and caving in on itself at the same time.
“Roe?” Mom called as she walked in. “Baby, what’s wrong?” She sat down in front of me, her hand on my back. I’d forgotten that I asked her to come over, knowing I would need the only person in my life I could truly count on.
“I broke up with Thane.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She pulled me to her, and I cried on her shoulder. “What happened?”
“I had to let him go. He’s better off without us.”
“Wait, you broke up with him because you think he’d be better off?”
I nodded.
“Roe, baby, I don’t agree with you. Any man who treats a woman and her child like they’re the most precious things in the world isn’t wanting anything but to be loved in return.”
I shook my head. “He doesn’t love me, so it’s—”
“How do you know? Did he say he doesn’t?”
“No.”
“What did he say when you broke up with him?”
I stood up and worked my way around the room picking up anything I came across that was his. “What does it matter, Mom? He’s gone.”
“Roe Alexandra Pierce, you’re the one who’s going to listen to me right now the same way I listen to you when talking about Ryn.”
I hadn’t heard my mom’s terse voice or seen her scowl directed at me in years. “That man is not only head over heels for you, but Kinsey, too. That’s a commitment to you.”
“It was a way to control me.”
She looked at me in shock. “Control you how? How in the blue hell is wanting to be with you, doing all that he has done for you, a controlling move?”
I collapsed down even more. “I don’t know.”
“You just convinced yourself of it. Decided that was what it was to give yourself an out.”
“And I took it,” I ground out. “He’s free of us to find someone better suited for him.”
“And why do you get to say it isn’t you?” she asked. It was a question close to what Thane had asked and I still didn’t have an answer.
My mom may have been right. Thane may have been right. But I had to follow my gut.
I may not have been looking into a crystal ball, but I also had to do what I believed was best for my daughter and me.
My chest felt like it was splitting in two. I felt nauseous as I tried to process what the fuck had just happened.
She broke up with me.
Without provocation and without a valid reason. There was nothing I could do to stop her, no changing her mind. She was firm in her decision, leaving me broken and confused.
I should have told her “I love you,” but I had a feeling she would have just pushed me out even harder.
My world wasn’t right. Everything was off kilter.
I moved to the liquor cabinet and pulled out the first bottle I could find. Anything to numb the waves of agony that were surging inside me.
For months she had been my life, and she severed it as if it meant nothing.
“I love you, Roe,” I whispered as I swallowed back the tears threatening to explode.
I was going to figure out how to get her back, how to get her to believe in me and us, but until then I was on a personal mission to see the bottom of every bottle I had stored away.
In my haze I sent off texts begging with her, pleading with her to undo it, to unsay it. A venting of the turmoil inside me. She never responded, and eventually my battery died. I didn’t even bother plugging it in, because there was no reason.
My reason shoved a knife in my heart and left me bleeding on the floor as she walked away.
The sun had set and I stumbled around, the soft glow of the city my only light source. I flipped on the light in the kitchen and grabbed another bottle, tossing the now empty one in the trash.
She didn’t even let me say goodbye to Kinsey.
The hole in my chest ripped even wider, and I gulped down the burning liquid that was in the bottle.
I didn’t want to remember. It was all a bad fucking dream, and I was going to wake up and she would be curled into my side.
I held onto the wall for support, my vision locked on the door in front of me. With a few steps I stood in the doorway and flipped on the light.
The once white walls were still white except for one. A bright bouquet of watercolor flowers reached down from the ceiling, coating the wall in a beautiful pattern. Something Kinsey could grow into.