by Samra Zafar
A special hug to my wonderful colleagues and friends, Justin Schurman, John Digby and Eric Turner, for your constant kindness, support and motivation.
Aileen Virola, Jeremy De Mello, Doug Fry, Julie Fry, Dina Martinovic and my entire Brave Beginnings team—thank you for all your wonderful support on this journey. Special thanks to Torys LLP for supporting our dream of making Brave Beginnings a reality.
Last but certainly not the least, I’d like to thank my employer for supporting me in my journey and work.
Photo Section
With my father in Abu Dhabi in 1982. My mother often told me how adventurous I was, even as a baby. Exploring, pushing boundaries and defying norms. I was often chastised for my rebellious streak. Now, I embrace it with pride!
From the very start, I loved school. In grade one I received the award for top student in the class.
With my parents in our apartment. Only a few years after this, I would be deemed old enough to venture to the convenience store in the building on my own.
One of the many happy childhood memories I have is of this afternoon during a family weekend away in Dubai. Despite the fact that I couldn’t swim, I loved being out on the water.
This was taken the summer I was fifteen during a family vacation in Pakistan. I remember being called too brash and outspoken, but I loved laughing freely and talking passionately. I wasn’t willing to change myself.
When famed squash player Jahangir Khan came to Ruwais, my father took me to watch him play. When I approached Mr. Khan to get his autograph, he chatted happily with me and even gave me a few tips about how to hold my racket—squash was one of the sports I loved to play. I couldn’t help noticing that I was one of the very few girls at the event.
It’s not hard to see my fear in this photo taken the morning of my nikah, July 23, 1999. It was all I could do to get through the day without collapsing in tears.
After a visit to the beauty salon, my formal wedding photos were taken. I looked older than I had that morning, but no happier.
With Aisha and another child. I had just started university at this time. After I left my marriage, a relative asked me, “What’s the point of winning awards and scholarships if you failed at the real purpose of being a woman?” But I had learned by then that it was important for me as a woman to define my own purpose. My honour lies in my freedom to be me—unapologetically.
A day or two after a violent assault by my then-husband at my uncle’s house, I was still playing the good wife at family functions, feeling trapped by the pressures of my culture, too ashamed to tell anyone what had happened and growing ever better at hiding the bruises.
Receiving the John H. Moss Scholarship at the University of Toronto in April 2013 was one of the highlights of my academic life. Pictured with me are Dr. David Naylor, then president of U of T; Matthew Chapman, then president of the U of T Alumni Association; and the Honourable Michael Wilson, then chancellor of U of T.
Photo credit: Gustavo Toledo Photography
Education gave me wings to fly and allowed me to dream. It opened my mind to the opportunities that exist in this beautiful world. I graduated from the University of Toronto in June 2013, and publication of my personal story in the Express Tribune that same day directed my future in a different but no less important way.
Telling my personal story can be painful, but it’s also healing and cathartic. The best part, however, is the opportunity to meet wonderful, inspiring people who welcome me with open hearts. I’m constantly amazed by everyday heroes who do so much and give so selflessly to create a better world for others.
I almost drowned as a child and have had a phobia of water ever since. On a trip to Cuba, however, the lure of tropical fish pushed me to confront my fear and try scuba diving. The wonder of ocean life, the peaceful sound of my own breathing and the serenity of floating in warm salt water made this one of the most magical experiences of my life. There can be a beautiful life after trauma!
During my marriage, I never had the chance to travel. After a business trip to Croatia, I seized the opportunity to visit Switzerland, Germany, Holland, the Czech Republic and Austria. The trip was a life-changer—exploring this diverse world and its amazing cultures and people is now a passion. My goal is to visit fifty countries by the time I am forty.
My best friend, Ayesha, and me at an International Women’s Day celebration. I gave a speech about pushing boundaries, taking risks and women supporting women. I told the crowd: empowered women empower women. And I’ve learned through personal experience that the key to that empowerment is the freedom of choice.
On a ME to WE trip to Kenya with fellow RBC Global Citizen Award winners in 2017, I showed local schoolchildren a video on my phone of a man playing the bagpipes in Peggy’s Cove, Nova Scotia. They had never seen or heard bagpipes before and were fascinated. It was a heartwarming day filled with hugs, love and laughter.
During this same ME to WE trip, I had the opportunity to speak with a large group of schoolgirls, many of whom are likely to face arranged marriages at a young age. I told them my story and stressed that the power to take control of their lives was within them. I hope that my own story encourages them to pursue their dreams.
Speaking about gender inequality at an International Women’s Day event in Toronto. While we often discuss inequality in terms of breaking glass ceilings, I know that many are still struggling for the basic rights of safety and respect in exactly the ways I did. In Canada, over 6,000 women and children are forced to sleep in an emergency shelter every night to escape domestic violence. Every six days, a woman is killed by her intimate partner. Having escaped abuse myself, I’m working to help address these issues by supporting victims and raising awareness.
Good friend and mayor of Mississauga Bonnie Crombie and my mentor John Rothschild join me at the Ascend Canada Leadership Awards in April 2018, where I was named Mentor of the Year. In the wake of my divorce, I found that helping others was one of the most powerful ways for me to remain inspired even when times were tough.
About the Author
SAMRA ZAFAR is an award-winning international speaker, human rights activist, author and social entrepreneur. She graduated among the top students at the University of Toronto, winning several prestigious awards and scholarships. She currently serves as an alumni governor at the university while pursuing a successful corporate career. She also mentors many abuse survivors in their journeys to build a life of respect and freedom. Her free time is dedicated to her two beautiful daughters and her passion for empowering others through her advocacy and non-profit work.
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Praise for A Good Wife
“A teenage girl is pressured to marry a much older man and move to a foreign land. If you think you know this story, that it is a stereotype, you are wrong. A Good Wife is not the story of an abused woman. This is a memoir of ambition, how the very thing that lured Samra Zafar into an abusive marriage ultimately galvanized her escape and success. With unflinching candour, Zafar dissects the forces constricting her: culture, religion, her parents’ difficult marriage, their uneasy complicity in hers, the intergenerational expectations that shackled her in-laws, even her own naïveté. Thorny and surprising, her story is all the more heartbreaking for its complexities. Zafar has penned a rare memoir, a life story worth reading and an emotional roller coaster that will leave you feeling empowered at the end. This is a modern-day fairy tale where the heroine saves her own life.”
—SHARON BALA, bestselling author of The Boat People
“A thoroughly engaging story of strength, feminism and refusal to conform to societal and familial expectations. I found it difficult to put this book down.”
—CEA SUNRISE PERSON, bestselling author of North of Normal
“Samra Zafar’s harrowing story of escaping her abusive marriage in Canada—arranged when she was just a teenager in Pakistan—might read like a taut domestic thriller, but A Good
Wife is all too painfully real. I cried while reading this book, but I was also left in awe of Zafar’s epic grit and bravery. Her story will stay with you long after the last hope-filled page is turned.”
—LISA GABRIELE, author of the bestselling novel The Winters
“The shining result of a partnership between a sensitive writer and an indomitable survivor of domestic abuse, this memoir chronicles the ebbs and flows of Samra Zafar’s courage as her home life began to control her every moment and shatter her spirit. To follow her descent into self-doubt and despair is to delve deeply into financial limitations, the requirements of assimilation into Canada and the constraints she faced as a parent. Whether you are trying to escape a life you never chose or the one you did, Samra’s resolve and ingenuity will inspire you to honour every flicker of longing for freedom.”
—SHAUNA SINGH BALDWIN, author of The Tiger Claw and The Selector of Souls
Copyright
A GOOD WIFE
Copyright © 2019 by Samra Zafar.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Published by HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
Cover design by Lola Landekic
FIRST EDITION
EPub Edition: March 2019 EPub ISBN: 978-1-4434-5487-2
Version 01212019
Print ISBN: 978-1-4434-5486-5
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