Conversations
Chapter 53
Desiree had drunk an entire bottle of wine and smoked one cigarette after another, all the while crying and sobbing uncontrollably over her horrible existence. God, how could you have been so cruel to me? Why did you let John die? Why is this happening to me?
Desiree thought about all the Sunday school lessons she had learned and all the prayers her grandmom had prayed, and she was sure that if God could part the red sea, then he could prevent John’s accident from happening. She hated this life. Every time it seemed things were looking up, something like this would happen. Bradford seemed perfect and what were the odds that his son, who he put up for adoption, would be the same person who killed her husband? You couldn’t write this stuff!
Oh, she was angry and heartbroken and she had grown sour. A bitter root seemed to be taking over her body. “You could have stopped this whole thing! You could have stopped John’s death and you could have stopped my children from suffering, O, but you watched from your throne room up there in the clouds, you watched as my little boy stood by a casket and my heart was smashed into a million pieces of nothing! You could have at least prevented me from falling in love with Bradford Stiltz! You’re cruel, you’re not a God of love, no you’re a God filled with evil!” She was screaming into the darkness. “I HATE YOU!”
Yet, deep inside she knew she didn’t hate God. Deep inside of her was a place that had become so dead that it had snuffed out all the light that she had. God was no longer the friend He’d been. No, he had been lost along the way and replaced with a sickness that was taking over her mind, spirit, and body.
She was feeling so many emotions and a rage that seemed to be erupting out of her. She was actually pacing now, with her wine glass in one hand and her cigarette in the other, all the while screaming at God. After repeating over and over how hurt she was, she started feeling like her words were just bouncing off the walls. After the way she had yelled and cursed God, she figured He certainly would not hear her now. Of course, He doesn’t hear, she thought to herself, it’s obvious He doesn’t hear me or I wouldn’t be going through all this hell!
Desiree pondered her past. I’ve been through such heartbreak and the devastation, she thought. I’ve been hanging on and clinging to the side of a cliff, dangling under the weight and weariness, but now I’m ready to just let go and plumage to the bottom of the cliff.
As she paced she continued to replay every horrible scene. She pictured the casket being lowered and her small son and daughter standing next to her like a Jackie O scene from a 1960s newscast. Her mind continued to play ping pong ball until it landed on a scene of Josh puking all over the place and an old man on her couch. It’s too much for anyone to handle she thought. No wonder I feel like I’m having a nervous break-down. She took another gulp of wine and felt the warmth of it. She had let her walls down for Bradford. Now she would have to rebuild them. She’d build the Sears tower if she had to-- even higher.
She wrestled with her emotions until it was almost daybreak, and then she drifted off to sleep. That night Desiree dreamed a dream so incredibly real that it left her panting for air and caused her to break out in a sweat. Each time she drifted back into sleep, she would be jolted from her fitful sleep and back into reality. At first in her dream, she was back in the restaurant, and she was grabbing Benjamin by the arm and jerking him around to face her. Then doubling up her fist she swung around roughly, hitting him in the jaw as hard as she could. As her fist struck his jaw bone it seemed to jar his whole head. Then something crazy happened. It was no longer Benjamin looking intently into her eyes, but it was Jesus. His eyes looked so sad and there was a pleading look in them that seemed to say, don’t do this, you are wounding me. Then she had another vision, and this time she was slapping Benjamin across the upper cheek and spitting in his face. She had felt so powerful slapping the man who had murdered her husband, but Jesus looked so hurt by her actions. It was difficult for her to look into those humble eyes and yet he wiped her spit away gently and just stood staring at her. His eyes seemed to hold no hate.
Desiree couldn’t handle it anymore, and she was tossing and groaning in her disrupted state of sleep. Then Desiree cried out from her dream and said, “No, Jesus I would never do this to you. I would never hurt you, Jesus, you died for me! This is not about you, it’s about Benjamin, he’s the murderer!” Jesus’s eyes simply looked at her with such disappointment. Then Desiree heard an audible voice that shook her very spirit to the core. It simply said, “If you’ve done this to the least of these, you’ve done it unto me. I want you to forgive Benjamin.” And she awoke covered in sweat and breathing as if she had run a marathon. She lay there upon her dampened pillowcase with her wet hair stuck to her neck and tried to steady her breathing. For some reason, though, she could not get the images out of her head and she could not get the voice out of her spirit. The words kept ringing in her ear drums, “If you’ve done this to the least of these, you’ve done it unto me.” Then there were more images of Benjamin morphing into Jesus.
She knew she had to shower and go to her grandmom’s to pick up Josh and Tabitha, but her head was pounding from the wine she had finished just hours before. She made a pot of coffee and rehashed the previous night’s events, wondering how long it would take for Bradford to try and contact her and whether she would even be able to talk to him without crying. Was it the wine or was it possible that the creator of heaven and earth wanted to talk with her? She walked to her bookshelf and took out her King James Bible and opened it up randomly. Her eyes fell on a scripture that seemed to stab her through the heart.
“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you: but if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses (Matthew 6:14-15).”
Desiree was feeling too many emotions and she decided to take a quick shower and go talk to her grandmom about all of it. If anyone had the answers it was her, she thought. Desiree walked to the bookshelf and placed the Bible back on the shelf but suddenly felt sadness wash over her as if Jesus himself didn’t want her to put His book up. Then a small journal caught her eye. She had purchased it for Josh after John had died. It was for him to write his thoughts in. He had colored some pictures inside the pages, but Desiree really had not paid much attention to it. She remembered how she had taken both Tabitha and Josh to the park with three helium balloons that she had tied notes to. Each note was addressed to John or Daddy, and each balloon was released from their small delicate hands. They all had intently watched as the red, yellow and blue colored balloons drifted out of sight. She had told both the children that the balloons would travel straight to heaven and reach their father, who would untie each note and read them with joy. Their father then would wait with patience until the day they could all be joined together again. Tabitha had no idea what was going on, but Josh had really taken to the idea that his father would indeed receive the note in heaven.
Desiree opened the book and studied the hand colored picture of Josh holding a balloon. His stick figure drawing was colorful and he had even added all three balloons, as well as the park setting. He had written in black crayon on the bottom of the page, “Hi Daddy.” Tears welled up in Desiree’s eyes as she turned the pages filled with pictures drawn from hurting little hands that only wanted to be near his father. She placed the journal on the couch by her purse and shuffled off to the bathroom to shower, but not until she had swallowed four Tylenol for her head that was pounding uncontrollably!
Forgiven Forest
Chapter 54
Bradford awoke with the previous evening’s memories. Benjamin was all he could think of. He remembered his smile, his eyes, and his laughter. He also could see his hurts and his insecurities. He had ached for this relationship with his son his whole life. It was something that was constantly on his mind. Every time he saw a father and son or was introduced to his co-workers children it haunted him.
“You have a
child somewhere, Bradford.” A voice would echo through his mind. It had been so bittersweet, the evening spent with his son. And now he had to come to grips with the fact that Benjamin had been irresponsible and that had led to the death of a man, Desiree’s husband. He was overwhelmed with guilt and remorse for allowing Patti to give up their child.
“None of this would be happening if Larry Stewart hadn’t been in the picture!” He kept thinking out loud and contemplating what to do, now that Desiree wasn’t speaking to him. He had waited a lifetime to find his son, but he had also been waiting for companionship and she was everything he had been looking for. She was beautiful, intelligent, a wonderful mother, and just plain fun to be with. He knew in his heart he had cared for her and had even been excited about their future but now what? He felt torn apart and displaced. How could he ever work this out? This was a problem much too large for Bradford Stiltz and yet he was in the problem-fixing business. At least, he tried to make things less difficult for people who were going through a divorce, child custody battles, and, of course, other difficult cases. But even he couldn’t make order out of such chaos, but he sure wasn’t going to give up without a fight!
He decided to call Desiree and try and explain his side. There would have to be some kind of closure. There would have to be some kind of conversation because they worked together and she was just too important to him. He picked up his cell phone and let it ring until all he heard was the answering machine. He wasn’t really prepared for what to say and feeling heartsick he hung up. “What a coward,” he thought to himself, he decided to phone Benjamin instead and see how he was faring.
“Hey Benjamin, how are you doing?”
“Umm I’m good, how are things with you?”
“Fine, just fine, I wanted to call and tell you that I’m sorry about last night. I mean, I didn’t know the history between the two of you and, well, who would have thought? I really would like to get together again sometime soon, if you’re up for it, that is?”
“Yeah, okay Bradford, we can do that.” Bradford wished his son felt comfortable calling him Dad, but he guessed it felt awkward and he hadn’t been a father at all up until now. “So, did I cause you to lose your girlfriend? Cause I can always step back out of the picture. I have been out of it until now anyhow.”
“No, don’t be ridiculous Benjamin. We work together, but that’s really it.”
“I thought you said she was your girlfriend?”
“Not really Benjamin, she is a friend, but you are my son and I’m not going to let anything come between us. So, what happened that night Benjamin? I mean do you feel like talking about it? I know it must be horrible for you to deal with.”
“Not really much to tell, Bradford. I got drunk, I hit a car, and the next thing I know, I’m looking at a mangled body and then iron bars.”
Bradford could cut the tension with a knife and now he wasn’t sure what to say. “Benjamin, I know just from meeting Larry that your life was anything but pleasant. I can’t imagine the hell he must have put you through, and I know that you did not intentionally get into your car that night bent on taking another human being’s life. I know that, son. So, listen son, I am not here to badger you, okay?”
Benjamin felt nervous and he wasn’t sure how to answer or even how to respond to Bradford. On one hand, he was his father, but on the other hand, he was just some guy he’d met and all these deep conversations were not what Benjamin was used to. He was missing Marcie and wondering how he was going to get back into her good graces. “So, you never answered the question did I or didn’t I cost you your lady friend last night?”
“Benjamin, you haven’t cost me anything, but I see that by my absence, I have cost you everything.”
There was a silence and again Benjamin wasn’t used to this sort of communication from a guy. He was more used to men like Larry who would cuss you and slap you upside the head, all in the name of love. “Okay Pops, you with her or not?”
“Would it make a difference in our relationship Benjamin, or is our relationship separate?”
“You attorneys are good at never giving a straight answer and dancing around the question aren’t ya? It’s almost comical waiting for you to respond. Is it true that all attorneys are liars?” His voice sounded sarcastic, but Bradford could also detect humor.
“Okay, you got me Ben, but as far as Desiree goes I haven’t talked to her yet, and no we’re not all liars. Some of us are good guys believe it or not. Now as far as she goes, I believe she needs to forgive you or it’s going to destroy her life. And you, Benjamin, are going to have to forgive yourself.”
Benjamin heard wisdom in his father’s voice. He knew he was right on, but how does one forgive himself when he took an innocent life? “That’s insane, Bradford! I know she will never forgive me and truth is I don’t blame her. I can’t forgive myself. I still have nightmares that haunt my sleep and images that flash through my brain of her husband sprawled out on the pavement, looking like hamburger helper. God Bradford, why would she ever want to forgive me? I hate me!”
Bradford thought for a minute at his question, and he thought about how much his son had gone through. He had been through more struggle’s in his short lifetime than Bradford could ever dream of. “For her own self, and for her children,” he blurted out.
Faith rose up inside of Bradford and he sensed that everything would be alright. All the sudden, he knew that when he presented it to her that way, she would have to understand how sick she was making herself and her children. Desiree had been caught in her own trellis of tentacles that were choking her. She was hurting herself by holding on to this bitter, bitter root. It had grown so fast and spread so deep, she couldn’t even see it was destroying her. He hoped she would see the cause and effect it was having on her life.
Benjamin was lost again for words and in awe of how very different this father was from his previous one. “Well, if it makes you feel any better I’m in the doghouse too, with Marcie.”
“Say, maybe we can have a contest and see who can get back into good graces the fastest?” said Bradford.
Benjamin was quite sure he could win this contest hands down. All he needed to do was find Marcie and patch things up with her. He also was certain that if his new father went back to Desiree, their relationship would be very difficult, and how was he supposed to try and get a girl back who he’d lied to about everything important in his life and on top of all that, treated like crap. If his father was going to try and woo the woman whose husband he had killed one night while driving drunk, the whole thing was sure to explode in his face. “Good graces is something farfetched in my case,” said Benjamin.
“Well son, I am going to go, you’ve got my number, don’t hesitate to call and I’ll be back in Frank’s to see you real soon.”
“Okay Bradford, later,” he said rather cool as if he really didn’t need this strong man in his life. Benjamin hung up the phone and wondered for the first time in years what it would feel like to live, or to even want to. “Forgive myself,” he said out loud. “How am I ever going to do that?”
Rolex Road Rage
Chapter 55
Marcie spent the morning driving around town squealing tires and going down back streets and alleyways. The adrenaline rush from knowing that this was her biggest heist yet made her giddy. Then she noticed the gas gauge was almost on empty, pulled into the Quick Mart, and pulled the black wallet out of her purse. “Hmm, let’s see what we have here, Steve.” She thumbed through the credit cards and pulled out a Visa. “This should do the trick,” she said, as she lifted the lever for the gas pump. Even though it was clearly a no smoking zone, she lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. She was nervous and unsure of where to go. Steve should be waking up about now, she thought to herself. Maybe I’ll give him a wakeup call, she smiled to herself and dialed information on her phone.
“City and state please?”
“Lexington, Kentucky, the Hampton Inn on Conner Street, please.”
/> “Thank you, one moment.”
Marcie heard the phone ring and then the pleasant operator. She pulled out the wallet and studied his driver’s license, “Steve Watson’s room please.”
The phone began to ring and then in a groggy voice Steve said, “Hello.”
“Mornin Steve, how you feeling this morning? I was just thinking about how right you were. I have been hanging around little boys too long. You were just what I needed, a man, a real man and I have to tell ya, Steve, this Corvette purrs just like fine-tuned women. It’s so easy to handle. I kinda borrowed your watch too, so I wouldn’t lose track of time ya know. I didn’t know if you had any appointments today or not?”
Marcie heard through the receiver a loud object fall that she felt sure was the lamp by the bedside table. Curse words began to spew out of Steve’s mouth like a waterspout. Suddenly, Desiree felt sure that Steve was more awake than he’d ever been before.
Steve’s voice boomed into the phone. “Hey, where’s my wallet? What is the meaning of this? You get back over here with my things or I’m calling the police and reporting them stolen! Do you understand me, little girl?”
Marcie was laughing uncontrollably and she thought her sides would never stop hurting. All the while, Steve kept right on screaming in her ear, and the louder he screamed the more hilariously funny she found it. She laughed so hard she thought she’d pee herself and then she said, “Steve, I’m just going to hang up until you can talk to me nicer.”
Walter The Homeless Man Page 23