“Maybe.” My eyes narrowed. “But just as friends.”
His face fell.
“You do know what that is right?”
“You’re killing me.”
“You’ll be fine.” I patted him on the shoulder. “Besides, you don’t want me.”
“What makes you say that?”
“The heart wants what it wants.” I grinned. “And I’m pretty sure the last thing on this planet you want is to settle down.”
His eyebrows shot up as he leaned in and whispered against my ear, “Wrong.”
Chapter Twelve
Trevor
“Thanks again,” I whispered to Penelope as we put the last of the kids in their bedroom. She must have seen the exhaustion on my face because she offered to ride back with me and help get them ready for bed. Eric and Malcom were like zombies. Penny took one look at them, scooped up Bella, and announced that she was going to help me get them tucked in, which naturally earned a curious look from every single person at the barbecue. After all, she was going above and beyond but anyone with eyes could see it was because she just had a big heart.
Plus, according to Drew, she’d said yes.
According to Will, I needed to let it go.
According to my heart and mind, I didn’t want to let go of shit. I wanted to ask her why, I wanted to thump my head against the wall until things made sense, until I knew what to do.
In all the scenarios I’d considered in my head, I’d never once gone over the idea that I could be so quickly attracted to another woman after all the baggage I’d had heaped on my shoulders.
I mean, three kids was intimidating enough, but she took it in stride.
I was a single dad.
But Penny didn’t treat me that way.
“Night, Bella.” Penny kissed her on the forehead. I followed suit, turned on her unicorn light, and shut the door. The house was too quiet, almost eerily quiet as we both slowly walked down the stairs and into the kitchen.
“I appreciate that.” I yawned behind my hand. “Did you want anything to drink?”
“I’m good.” Penny smiled. “I’ll just call an Uber real quick or something.”
I snickered at that. “Was that your plan all along?”
She made a funny face. “Well, yeah. Everyone has—” She stopped herself. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because.” I grinned harder. “It’s Seaside, you’d have better luck corralling a seagull and riding it back to your place.”
She groaned. “I have to get up at five a.m.”
“Stay here.” The words were out before I could stop them. “I mean, in one of the guest rooms, not my room because that would be—” Idiot, I was going to drown myself in the nearest body of water and stay there forever. “—weird. I’ll just grab you a towel if you want to shower, not that you need to. You smell great.” Good Trev, good, tell her how good she smells again.
She suppressed a smile.
I shook my head. “I think after each kid the universe just took cool points away from my person and replaced them with dad points. I swear I’m not trying to make myself look like an ass or make you uncomfortable.”
Penny nodded. “I know, and if it makes you feel any better I don’t think I was ever gifted with any cool points. I mean, I can’t play an instrument, and my gift is making coffee.”
“The greatest gift of them all,” I pointed out with a nod.
“Hah!”
The lights flickered.
She gave me a worried look, her eyes darting from me to the lights and back again.
“It’s fine, it’s probably just starting to storm a bit. I’ve been told it’s normal around this time of year.”
She worried her lower lip and nodded. “All right, I may just take you up on that offer…”
My eyebrows shot up.
“Towel. Separate bed. That sort of thing.” She waved her hand awkwardly and dropped it at her side.
It was my turn to smile. “This way.” I led her to the guest room on the second level. It might as well be a mother-in-law suite. Even though it was still connected to the main part of the house, it had its own kitchen and was large enough to rent out if I ever wanted to. The walls were bare and white, not graced by so much as a sconce or a big box store version of a Picasso print. There was one queen-sized bed sporting a beige comforter on the west end of the room beneath a window with beige mini-blinds and no curtains. Two bedside tables flanked the bed, each occupied by a generic crystal and pewter lamp with crinkled beige shades. A flat-screen TV took up most of the wall opposite the bed, and a small, mirrored dresser hugged the side wall across from the door.
The room really, truly needed to be decorated, but I hadn’t found the time.
“Wow!” She did a small circle. “This is great!”
“Yeah, it is.” I couldn’t take my eyes off of her; this was a problem.
The lights flickered again.
Like the universe was trying to do me a solid.
Everything went out, blanketing us in darkness.
I hated it because I couldn’t see her.
I loved it because I could still feel her.
Everywhere.
“Okay, the pretty room just got a bit terrifying.” Her voice was weak. “I’m a wimp, I’m sorry, I don’t even like living alone, but I was like, you know what I should do? Move across the country and start fresh, because I’ve lived in the same town my whole life, with the same roommate, working at the same school doing the same thing over and over again and you know what the definition of that is?” She finally took a breath. “Insanity.”
“That was a long sentence.”
“I know.” She exhaled roughly and then her hands were on my chest. She jerked them back. “Sorry. I was trying to find something to hold on to, not someone, just, like a wall to steady myself or—”
“I’ll steady you,” I whispered.
This was bad.
All of it.
I saw her worried face once again as lightning flickered outside. And then it was just us, blanketed in the silent buzz of awareness pulsing between our two bodies.
I’d known her days.
I’d focused on those days instead of the nights.
Because the nights were full of wondering what she tasted like.
Wondering if this would be different if I wasn’t a plus three.
I was afraid to move.
Afraid that if I slid my hand up her arm and cupped her chin, she’d pull away from me, from the kids.
How damn selfish could I be?
It wasn’t just me.
They needed her more than I did.
I took a step back and let out a rough exhale. “I’ll go grab you a flashlight, all right?”
“I can’t see you, don’t go!” Her voice sounded so small.
Reminding me what it felt like to feel needed, and maybe just a little bit wanted too.
I reached out, touching first her shoulder then slowly running my hand down until I found her hand and squeezed it.
She squeezed it back tight.
And I wanted to stay in the darkness and just…exist in that place where uncertainty made me brave enough to hold her hand, and certainty didn’t glare its ugly head and tell me that this would never happen, not in a million years.
“We can go together,” I offered, pulling out my cell with my free hand. “That way you’re not alone.”
She nodded.
When I turned on my cell light, I flicked it to her face briefly. “You have yours on you?”
She reached into her back pocket and pulled out her phone.
Both of us pointed them down the hallway, and we made our way into the master. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable but I kept two flashlights under my bed just in case. It was a dad thing, a keep the kids safe in case of an emergency thing.
I quickly grabbed one and handed it to her. “Here you go.”
“Why do you keep flashlights under your bed?”
she asked. Her voice was a lot more calm, which made me relax a bit as she switched on the light and pointed it around the room. “Wow, this is…beautiful.”
Everything was draped in rich blues and browns. It was beautiful. It was mine, the only place that the kids knew was off limits when it came to bedtime, though lately they’d been trying to crash with me even though they knew it was my inner sanctum. Typically if they needed me, I slept in their beds, held their hands, cradled their tiny bodies.
I found myself explaining. “Kids take over…everything. They’re like lovable chaotic tornados.” I shrugged and smiled over at Penny even though the flashlight wasn’t pointed at me but was still bouncing around the enormous master suite. “When we moved here, I wanted to keep something—anything—that was just mine, that reminded me that it would get better. That one day I’d be able to share a room like this with someone who got it, who got us, who accepted us, loved us, who wanted to share this with us.”
The flashlight dropped out of her hand. “Sorry!”
I helped her pick it up, my hand draped across hers.
I jerked back like I’d been burned.
Slowly we both stood.
I knew she was close.
I could smell her, feel her as if we were sharing air, sharing heartbeats, maybe even sharing thoughts.
The pull was so intense I couldn’t think straight.
I purposely pointed the flashlight to the floor and cupped her chin. Our foreheads touched. I could feel her pulse, would have sworn I could hear it, hear her heart hammer against her ribs, hear the sharp intake of breath as I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her mouth.
I knew it was wrong.
Every single rational thought told me it was the worst idea I’d ever had. But she made me feel needed. And I hadn’t realized how much I’d craved that since Jo left us, left me, making me feel inadequate in any and every way a woman knew how.
Penny’s lips parted.
Her flashlight dropped again, but this time it was because she was wrapping her arms around my neck.
I pulled her against me, our mouths met, and we nipped at each other. My lips slid against hers in a way that was so erotic, I was having trouble thinking straight. She was so open to me, so damn beautiful, even in the darkness. I could feel her beauty; it wasn’t the way she looked.
I felt her heart.
She let out a little moan as I dove my free hand into her hair, followed by tracing my tongue across her lower lip. She let out a little gasp that had her body pressing harder against mine.
Blood pounding.
It would be too easy.
It had been over a year, and even before that Jo and I hadn’t been sleeping in the same room.
Too long.
And now I had Penny.
Perfect Penny.
And a bed.
Alone.
In the darkness.
The lights flickered.
And then they were on.
Penny jerked away from me, chest heaving.
I had trouble catching my breath.
I wasn’t sure how long we stared at each other. What I was sure of? That I had made those cheeks pink, I had made those lips swell. And I wanted to do it again.
“Daddy?” Bella’s voice sounded at the door. “Is it a storm?”
“Yeah, baby,” I said in a raspy voice. “It’s a good one though.”
“How do you know?” She padded over to me, then reached up. I pulled her into my arms and smiled while Penny still seemed frozen in shock.
“Well…” I grinned at her then looked over at Penny as I whispered, “Sometimes the dark makes us brave, and that makes the storm good, not bad.”
Penny bit down on the lip I’d just tasted and then grabbed the flashlight with a shaky hand and placed it on my bed. “I’ll just…be heading to bed.”
“You’re staying!” Bella squealed, “Please sleep in my room! Please! I have princess bunk beds.”
I opened my mouth to say no.
Instead Penny beamed. “Actually, I’d love that, let’s go!”
“Follow me!” Bella scrambled from my embrace and bolted out the door.
“Using my daughter as a human shield?” I whispered under my breath.
Penny crossed her arms and stared me down. “Maybe.”
“Are you still going out with Drew later?”
“Does it matter?” she fired back.
“Yes. No. Maybe.” I gulped and ran my hands through my hair. “He’s just…”
“The kind of guy that kisses the nanny?” she whispered, her cheeks going pink again.
“Penny, no, that’s not…”
She just shrugged and left me alone in that room.
Wondering how the hell I was going to fix it.
Because the reality was, I had all the power in the situation. I was paying her to watch my kids, to keep them alive; I was paying her as an employee. I’d basically just kissed my employee and had been seconds away from lifting her shirt over her head or just ripping it from her body.
And she was going to be on a date with Drew.
Drew, the same guy who had slept his way through Austin, Texas.
Twice.
What could go wrong?
Chapter Thirteen
Penelope
Fact. I’d let it happen.
Fact. I’d known it would happen.
Fact. I hadn’t pulled away.
Fact. I’d liked it.
I’d called Fallon the next morning freaking out and she still had the same sage advice as before, adventure, let it happen, agh!
“Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date with a girl who stared so hard at a burger.” Drew shoved a fry into his mouth and then took a sip of his beer.
Mine was untouched.
Because I was still thinking about the kiss.
The kiss that shouldn’t have happened.
The words before the kiss about wanting to share his life with someone who got it.
And the little crack in my heart that seemed to open even more as I realized I wanted exactly the same thing. I’d never been the sort of girl who wanted anything huge.
A family.
A real family.
Was that so much to ask for?
According to Trevor, no. And that was the thing, he was famous, but still so normal in the desires of his heart. It made him so maddeningly attractive that I couldn’t even hold a conversation during my date with Drew.
It didn’t help that things had gone back to normal with Trevor, I had dinner waiting for him the last three nights, he greeted me with a huge smile when I showed up at one, usually with some sort of food substance on his person, and on and on we went, in perfect sync, around one another, laughing about the kids.
But not acting on anything.
We were never alone.
Maybe that was a good thing.
Yeah, my stomach dropped and then filled with erratic butterflies, all hell bent on escaping, at once.
A very good thing.
“Sorry.” I picked up a fry and shoved it in my mouth. “I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Right, because making coffee is basically the same thing as solving world hunger. Not that I’m hating on your job, we all need coffee. You’re basically a saint to us sinners, but tell me one thing.” He sat forward. The guy had such lethal eyes, so piercing and deep that no sane person could look away. “What sort of answers do you think you’re going to find on an empty stomach?”
“Ah, so basically if I eat my food, I’ll be all powerful?”
“Well.” His smirk widened as he leaned in and whispered. “They are fries.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Be honest, are you here because you want to be here, because you’re bored, or because you want to piss off Trevor by feeding his employee?”
His expression fell a bit and then he leaned back and crossed his arms. He had bracelets on both wrists, the colorful rope kind that his bandmates seemed to collect since most
of them were covered in them. His black V-neck went down so low I could see half his chest tattoo. His fingernails were painted black, and I was almost positive he had eyeliner on, unless that was real, and he really did have such intense eyes. If it was, not fair, not fair to any of us.
Drew had always been the bad boy of the group.
The one that every girl said they loved but never chose to marry when it came to playing the whole kiss, date, marry game.
No, the marry one had always been Trevor.
He was sexy but good. Heck, the guy did interviews while holding puppies.
“Can’t I just share a nice meal with a nice person?”
I almost choked on my fry. “You don’t know me.”
“And you don’t know me,” he countered with narrowed eyes.
I opened my mouth then shut it and glared.
“That’s why we have the food.” He spread his arms wide. “Calories are supposed to make it easier.”
“And yet…” I laughed and took another swig of beer.
“And yet, most people don’t even eat because they feel like puking.” He gulped and then looked away. “And it may have something to do with having to clean up my image for the next album.”
“That—” I pointed a fry at him. “—makes total sense.” I grinned. “Maybe you should start doing volunteer work.”
The guy visibly paled.
“Or not.” I snickered.
“Music.” He said the word like it was sexy. No, he said it like it was actually dripping with sex. “It’s all I need.”
“Until you wake up alone,” I whispered under my breath.
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m never alone.” He let out a laugh.
“I’m calling your bluff.”
His smile fell. “Don’t you scour the internet? See the magazines?”
“Yeah, but I don’t pay attention to that.” I leveled a serious stare on him. “And even if you do have some crazy fan girl in your bed every night, that doesn’t mean you’re never alone. You can be surrounded by millions of people, friends, family, fans—and still be lonely.”
I wasn’t sure where that came from.
Maybe the part inside of me that had always felt that way, like it didn’t quite fit, and that everyone else did back in Cunningham Falls.
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