by Gail Haris
Rachel asks me about my plans for graduation during lunch. I tell her I’m still up in the air. Plans usually don’t work out and my life has been so unpredictable. I might just go wherever the wind blows me.
“I’m going to try and graduate early.”
I drop my fork. “What? Like this year?”
“Maybe not May but this summer it might be possible. I know I don’t act it but I’m advanced. I’m already ahead. I’m short like two classes.”
“Oh. Wow. That’s impressive.”
“I can’t go another year here…without…”
“Him.”
“Yeah.” She licks her lips and then perks up at me. “We could be roommates! Think about it? There are so many horror stories about freshman roommates.” She bats her eye lashes and makes a sad puppy dog face at me.
I squirm in my seat. “Can I think about it?” She appears stunned by my response so I quickly add, “It’s not that I wouldn’t love to room with you. It’s just… I’m kind of wanting to start fresh somewhere. You wouldn’t understand…”
She nods enthusiastically. “Yes, I do. I totally get it. I want to start fresh, too. I’ll give you plenty of space. I get freaked out by the idea of rooming with a stranger. Plus…” She sighs, “I know all about plans not working out…”
She doesn’t finish. I already know her answer, but I don’t voice it. She had plans with Landon. I chew on the inside of my cheek. I fear Rachel is about to break down into tears. I gently touch her arm and squeeze my lips together. I nod my head and her face lights up.
Her eyes are bright with unshed tears, and she throws her arms around me. “Yay.” She wipes her eyes and gives a weak chuckle. “Roomie.”
We never discuss a backup plan in case we don’t get into the same schools. I tell her the ones I already applied to, and she suggests two more for me to apply to. After lunch, I go to the counselor for the paperwork for those schools. It’s late but I haven’t missed the deadlines.
Noah is waiting for me after school by my locker. We discuss how our last classes went as I get what I need from my locker. Our conversation is light, even on the way to his truck, but there is tension in the air. As we get in the vehicle, he asks if cheeseburgers sound good, and I reply with a simple “yeah.” We become silent as he pulls out of the school parking lot.
I’m surprised when he takes the drive-thru instead of us going in to eat. When I recognize the road he takes toward the end of town, I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. We’re heading in the direction toward our spot. I turn the radio up and stare out of the window as he drives.
We’re still quiet as we get out of the truck and follow the dirt path. Noah sits our bag of food down and lays a blanket down on the grass. He sits down first and pats his lap. I smile as he grabs my hand and pulls me down onto him. He reaches over for the bag of burgers and pulls one out for me. We eat with me sitting on him and watching the stream flow.
After we finish eating, Noah wraps me in a tight embrace. He nuzzles my neck and whispers, “I love you, princess.”
I lay my head back against his chest and grab ahold of his arms, squeezing them tighter against me. “I love you.”
He turns me around to where I’m straddling him. He takes a deep breath and releases it. “I have to join the army. There’s no way around this. I’ve thought long and hard about it. I dread it for several reasons. The idea of leaving my family, my friends, the only place I’ve ever known, and most of all, the idea of leaving you scares me. It. Scares. Me. But what scares me more, is not becoming who I need to be. I want to make something of myself. I want to be somebody.” I try to interrupt him, but he stops me. “I’m going to do this. Just like you’re going to figure out who you are.”
I stare into his eyes. “I know who I am, Noah. I may have had a confusing year, but I know who I am.”
He gives me a sad smile and shakes his head. “You’re eighteen. You don’t know anything.”
I punch him in the shoulder. “You’re eighteen!”
He clears his throat and raises an eyebrow. “I’ll be nineteen this summer.”
I feel myself sinking into myself, but he pulls me closer to his chest. “Please listen to me. Hear what I’m trying to say. Your life has been…” He shakes his head and cups my face. “You’ve gone through more than any teenager should. And you’re stronger than anyone else I know. While I’m away, trying to become a better version of myself, for us; I want you to take some time to focus on you. I want you to have an opportunity to discover you, before we move any further with us. Not Olivia. Not Sarah. You.” He gently cups my face. “Discover who you are without others trying to say who you should be.”
I know what he’s thinking but won’t say. I’ve had the same thoughts. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is this connection we have real? Am I really in love with him for him or for the comfort and familiarity he offers from my former life?
I ask him when he’ll leave and return. I guess he takes that as a good sign because his shoulders relax.
“I’ll have to report for basic training two weeks after graduation, but I’ll have a leave in December.”
I lean in for a kiss. Noah hesitates but doesn’t stop me. The kiss begins soft but turns more passionate. We kiss for a while before I pull away.
“Let’s focus on just being with each other for now,” I suggest.
Noah smiles, but his eyes are intense. “You’ve been my only focus since you stole my seat your first day of school. Yesterday, tomorrow, now, I’ll always be focusing on you. Even if I can’t be here with you, know that.”
He rolls us over to where he’s on top of me. He supports his weight with his arms as he kisses me. I feel his desperation. In the back of my mind, I feel like this is the beginning to our goodbye.
AS THE DAYS GO BY, Noah and I spend as much time as possible together. We double date a couple of times with Rachel when she has an occasional date here and there. We also double with Tara and Jeff, and Emily and Keaton. Tara still can’t believe Noah and I haven’t slept together yet. We go and visit Trent once, and Maggie joins us for dinner. Most of the time, however, we go to our spot. I know that we’re quickly approaching the deadline for our time together, but I try not to dwell on it. But there are constant reminders of it at school and home with graduation preparations.
Rachel and I finally begin to receive our acceptance letters. At first, we’re discouraged with the first couple of schools accepting one or the other but not both of us. However, we finally both receive acceptance letters from the same two universities. One is in Lexington where Trent attends and the other one is in Colorado. I almost feel like this is a cruel joke forcing me to choose between the two worlds I’ve been torn between. Really, I wanted some random school, completely separated from both, yet here are the two schools to choose from with Rachel. I try to leave the decision up to her, but she’s scared either way. She has a fear of never getting over Trent if we go to the same school as him, but she’s also uncomfortable attending school that far away from home. She says she’ll blindly follow me with whatever decision I choose.
I call Rachel around ten at night to tell her which university I’m leaning toward. The one in Lexington offered me a full ride on a soccer scholarship. But Trent turned out to be my deciding factor. The loss of Landon was so hard on me, and though I don’t want Trent to become a crutch, being so far away would be like losing him as well. I secretly think she was relieved, but she didn’t let on. After I hang up with her, I call Noah. He’s excited that I decided to stay close to the area, so when he comes to visit on leave, it’ll be easier for him to visit me and his family. It’ll still be a drive, but at least we’re still in the same state. In the morning, I announce my decision to everyone else over breakfast. Everyone beams with pride that I was offered a soccer scholarship and they’re elated that I’ll be attending the same school as Trent. Even though Melissa wanted me to attend a closer university, like in the next town over, she’s grateful
I at least chose to attend one with another family member.
There’s a moment of silence during graduation in Landon’s honor. Even though he wasn’t in our class, he had made such an impact on the entire student body. When they call the name “Sarah Randall,” I don’t hesitate. I stand tall and walk across the stage with my head held high.
After the graduation ceremony, we have a celebratory family dinner in my honor at my favorite restaurant, Taste of Tuscany.
I decide that now’s the time to tell them I’ve legally changed my name. Melissa is hurt, as was to be expected. She understands my choice but still hurt I wouldn’t keep the name she’d given me. Richard and Trent both nod and smile at me in an understanding way. Denise wants to change her name, too, of course.
The day before Noah is to depart, we go back to our spot. I’m not panicking. I guess it’s because I don’t feel I’ll ever really lose him. Somehow, lying against his chest with his arms and legs wrapped around me, I feel confident for the first time in a long time that everything is going to work out.
Suddenly, Noah pushes me off him and strips himself of his shirt. He gives me a mischievous grin as he leans into me. My heart is racing as his arms wrap around me. I wet my lips and stare into his eyes. He has determination in his piercing eyes. I’m lifted off the ground. He begins carrying me and then breaks into a hard run. I latch onto him in confusion. Then, I realize he’s running towards the waterfall and we’re about to run out of ground. I scream as he jumps. We hold onto each other as we plummet down toward the water. It’s not that far of a drop, but I still scream and squeeze his neck. Right before we hit the water, he captures my lips. The water covers our heads, and he still holds me as he pushes us up through the water to the surface. We gasp for air and then laugh, still holding each other.
“I love you,” he kisses me again. “Just so you know, that’s exactly what it’s felt like since you came here.”
I look at him with confusion. “What?”
He stares into my eyes, “Our relationship. Falling in love. It’s happened fast but it’s been pure adrenaline. It’s been the most terrifying and exciting part of my life.”
The sun is at the perfect angle to cascade over the water. It shines on his sun kissed skin, making his eyes and the water droplets sparkle. I want to sketch this moment. I have the sudden urge to tell him not to move while I run to grab my supplies. I’m in awe by how gorgeous he looks and how beautiful this moment is. No matter what the future brings, this moment will forever be sketched in my mind.
I watch as the smile on his face slowly fades away. His face become serious as he looks at me. He takes my face into his hands and brings his lips crashing to mine. We become frantic. We can’t stop kissing as we push ourselves through the water to the shoreline. My clothes stick to my skin and it’s a little awkward trying to remove them, especially since I’m trying to hurry. Noah and I bump heads as we both tug on my shirt. We begin laughing so hard we collapse against each other on the ground.
I smile as I stare into his hazel eyes. “Why can’t anything ever be easy?”
“Because we’re rushing. And we shouldn’t be.” I think he’s going to back away from me, but instead, he slowly takes the bottom of my shirt and gently begins pulling it from my skin and over my head. The movement is so slow and deliberate, it makes it more intimate. Then he goes to the button on my shorts. Again, slowly and deliberately, he unfastens them and slides the wet material down my legs. Goosebumps prickle my skin from the water droplets and the light breeze. Or maybe, they’re from Noah’s eyes studying me.
“See? That wasn’t so hard.”
“No. It wasn’t.” His shirt is already thrown off somewhere in the grass, so I focus on his jeans. My fingers shake as I try to unfasten the button. He places his large hands over mine and helps steady my hand to unfasten it. He stands, and I slowly slide the wet, heavy material down his legs. His boxers are wet and stick to his legs, the thin material outlining all of him.
He looks down. “I can hold off on removing those if it makes you nervous.”
“No.” I bite my bottom lip. “I’m curious.”
He doesn’t say anything, merely raises his eyebrows. His eyes dance with mischief. I should be embarrassed and look away, but I don’t. I feel my cheeks blush as I shamefully watch as he lowers his boxers. “Alright. Now—it’s your turn.”
He eases down and kisses me sweetly. Then he eases from my lips down to my jaw, and when he’s at the crook of my neck, I feel his hands come around my back and unfasten my bra. With the hooks open, he gently presses my body against the ground where I’m lying on my back. He slides the straps down my arm as he trails kisses along my collar bone and shoulder. I place my hands in his short, wet hair as his warm tongue laps at droplets of water that have gathered between the dip in my breasts. His warm hands slide down my waist to the band of my panties. He hooks his thumbs under the band and then slides it down my legs until finally, I’m completely exposed to him.
Noah brings his lips to mine and I greedily welcome them. I can’t get enough of him. He presses his body firmly against mine. I feel all the hard planes of his muscles and the sensation of the mixture of cold water droplets and his warm body heat. The pressure of his body pushes my back into the mossy ground. It’s not exactly the most comfortable spot, but I don’t want to end this moment. I hold him tighter to me. His hand comes behind my head to cradle it as he presses himself more firmly between my legs. The sensation causes me to release a gasp. He does it again.
“Sarah.”
“Yes?”
“Let’s go to my truck.”
“Why?”
I watch as he seems to struggle to even swallow. “I need a condom. I have one in the glove compartment. Plus, this ground is hurting you. If we do this, it will already be a little uncomfortable for you. I don’t want to make it worse.”
As much as I hate to lose our physical connection, he’s right. Standing up naked in front of him is ten times more awkward than being beneath him. I grab my shirt and throw it on and shimmy back into my wet, heavy shorts. I carry my undergarments in a wet, soggy ball. He slides back into his boxers.
Noah opens the tailgate. He reaches in the cab of his truck and pulls out some blankets we’d used for picnics. He arranges them in a nice pallet in the truck bed. He whispers, “Hop up.”
As I climb into the truck bed, I wonder if I should undress myself again or wait and let him do the honors. He shuffles through his glove compartment and then comes back with a condom.
“Just in case you’re wondering, I’m still a virgin. I have this because coach gave all the players a box. Safe sex and all that.”
I blush. “I wasn’t.”
Noah raises a single brow and I blush. He crawls up the truck bed toward me. “Let’s get you back out of these wet clothes.”
Let’s. I sigh as he begins kissing my neck again. My entire body feels more sensitive to every touch. The feel of his warm mouth. The touch of his strong hands. Even as strands of his wet hair tickle and leave tiny droplets in their wake.
We hold each other tightly as our bodies create a delicious friction. My legs squeeze him and hug him against me. I can’t hold him tight enough. I want more. I want more of this friction, his hot kisses, his hands massaging my body, everything and more.
More. I need more.
Noah seems to read my mind or maybe he feels the same. He pulls away from me and slides his boxers down. Taking the condom packet, he rips it open and slides it on. I take a deep breath and I watch as Noah does the same, his chest rising and falling.
We’re not frantic anymore. He positions himself on top of me, placing most of his weight on his elbows. I stare into those tender, beautiful hazel eyes as they stare back at me.
“I love you.”
A soft smile spreads as he whispers back, “I love you. So much.”
I say through a smile. “Then kiss me.”
Noah bites his bottom lip and my heart melts. “I t
hink I will.” And he does. The sweetest and most tender of kisses. Slowly, he deepens the kiss. I tilt my head and open my mouth more giving him greater access. An ache begins to build. I can feel it building in Noah as his body tenses and he seems to be struggling with keeping his weight on his elbows. He begins to shift and I feel him between my legs. That delicious friction returning. A steady rhythm, but I need more.
I finally take the advice I’d been receiving in therapy and voice my concerns. “More. Noah, I need more.”
It pays off because he listens. He presses himself against me more firmly as his hands begin to massage my breasts. He takes my earlobe and gently sucks on it. All these new sensations have my body singing.
“More?” He asks.
“More,” I whisper. Even though I don’t know how much more I can take, but I’m ready to receive whatever Noah Wallace can give me.
And what he gives me, is him. All of him. His body is stiff and tense as he eases himself in. I try to remain relaxed, but the stretching of my body makes it difficult. I won’t lie and say it’s comfortable, far from it. This is one sensation I could do without. Noah’s eyes are dazed and he looks like he’s seeing stars. He pushes himself further, until finally he’s fully inside.
Slowly, he moves and slowly, I begin to relax. We’re clumsy as we’re trying to find a rhythm that we can both enjoy. Through it all, we kiss and hold each other. We find it and it’s one of the most intense experiences of my life. We’re so in tune with each other’s bodies. His hands landing exactly where I need them to be. My hands rub along his side as I suck at his collar bone, feeling pure satisfaction when I hear his low moan of pleasure.
“I love you,” Noah breathes into my hair. He kisses my forehead and then my temple. “I love you so much.” He kisses my cheek and then my lips. He pulls away and stares into my eyes. “I could make love to you forever.”