by Mia Asher
Ronan places two overnight bags on the floor before taking her hands in his and pulling her toward him. He pretends that I don’t exist as he smiles a slow, seductive smile. “Missing me already?”
Rachel laughs airily, and it consumes me with jealousy. God, even her fucking laughter is graceful. She says something to him, but I can’t hear past the ringing in my ears. Suddenly feeling dizzy, I recline my back on the wall behind me.
Letting her go, Ronan laces his fingers with her, picks up the bags with his free hand, and walks inside the house. As they pass me by, Ronan’s eyes lock with mine and I see nothing in them but hard indifference. “Excuse us,” he addresses me in a voice so cold it freezes me from the inside out.
When they disappear inside the house, I lean my head back and close my eyes.
And there’s your answer, Blaire.
You are late.
Too fucking late.
“I’M SO SORRY, BLAIRE. I had no idea that Alessandro had invited them,” Elly pleads sorrowfully.
“It’s okay, Elly.” I look up from the chopping board, tightening my hold on the knife. I try my best to smile. “It’s not your fault that I behaved like an asshole in the past and now I’m finally getting what I deserve. Anyway, how did he manage to get them here? I didn’t know that you guys knew him outside the one time that he drove you?”
She explains to me how she ran into him at Rachel’s party and how they struck up a conversation. At the mention of her name, I feel bile rising in my stomach, but my desperation to know about him outweighs my unjustified dislike for that woman. “Alessandro told me that he ran into Ronan at a bar in SoHo last weekend and invited him to come up. He had no idea that you guys had a history. God, I was so mad at him when I saw them walk in.”
“Poor man.” I resume chopping the garlic cloves, pretending to pay particular and meticulous attention to what I’m doing. “Hope you weren’t too hard on him.”
“Eh, he’ll survive,” Elly says saucily.
I chuckle ruefully.
Elly takes a sip of wine and then swirls the liquid in her glass, seemingly waging her next statement. “Blaire … I don’t think he’s over you.”
“Don’t say that,” I whisper but my heart begins to beat so loudly I can barely hear my own thoughts through it.
An image of Ronan and Rachel hanging out by the fire, laughing, his arms around her waist, her hand buried in the back pocket of his jeans as they chatted with Elly and Alessandro and the rest of the guests flashes in my mind. I could have had that if I hadn’t been a fool, but now Ronan is with Rachel and there’s nothing I can do.
“You’re wrong, Elly.” I place the knife on the counter and turn to face her. “He hates me.”
“I’m not so sure about that. He’s lying to himself, Blaire. I can feel it. Whenever he thinks that no one is looking, he follows your every move. He can’t take his eyes off you.”
“Stop it, Elly,” I plead, going mad. Stop giving me hope. “He brought Rachel. He’s obviously with her.”
“Just because they’re fucking doesn’t mean that they’re in love.” Elly chews her bottom lip. “But I’ve got to admit that I’m not sure what to do about her.”
“Nothing!”
She raises a staying hand. “He seems to be into her, I’ll give you that, but he doesn’t look at her the way he looks at you.”
“And how is that?” I ask softly, barely able to get the words out.
“Seriously, Blaire. I can’t believe how blind you are. The man looks at you as though you are the center of his universe. It’s obvious that he’s mad as fuck, but—”
“Please let it go, Elly,” I beg. “Sometimes things can’t be fixed.”
She purses her lips. “I thought you were done with lies.”
“I am. But denial,” I reach for her glass, take a large gulp, and hand it back to her, “is the only thing holding me together since he arrived. Come on, let’s cook.”
I tell Elly to go set the table up and that I’ll finish cooking. I’m not sure how good it will taste, but how hard is it to cook meat sauce and boil spaghetti? Once the timer goes off, I drain the pasta and transfer it to a plate. I’m looking for the olive oil when I sense him behind me. I freeze on the spot the moment we come into contact.
“Where’s Lawrence?”
I shiver, feeling his large body pressed behind me. I swallow and shake my head, the fear of being alone with him, of being caught by someone walking into the kitchen, and of wanting him so much makes me dizzy. I place both of my hands on the countertop for support.
“I—we’re not together anymore,” I breathe.
Slowly, he places both of his hands on top of mine, caging me between his arms. “Did he get bored of you?” he drawls.
“No …” I know I should turn around and walk away from Ronan, breaking his spell on me, but it’s impossible. He owns me even after all this time. “It’s not like that. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I l—”
“Quiet.” He pushes me against the countertop, the edge digging into my stomach. “I can’t think when I’m around you,” he hisses.
“There’s so much that I have to explain …”
“What do you want from me?” he whispers harshly in my ear. “Why is it every time I think I’m moving on and things seem to be going well, you come back into my life and fuck with everything? Reminding me of what I can’t have?”
Cursing, he presses his lips on my jaw and begins to trace a path down my throat and up my neck, raising goose bumps all over my body. Fear mingles with excitement. Yearning with reality. Want with need.
He thrusts his fingers past the waistline of my jeans and underwear, finding me. “But I don’t give a fuck anymore.” He begins an assault on all my senses with his touch, making me moan with pleasure. “Always so responsive. Did you react to him like this, huh?”
It’s the emotionless way that he speaks to me and how cold his voice sounds that breaks the hypnotic hold that he has over me. It’s as though he’s here physically, touching me, making me his, punishing me while his heart remains untouched. I push myself away from the counter and spin on my feet until we’re staring at each other.
“What’s wrong with you?” I wrap my arms around me to stop myself from shaking, feeling so dirty. “What’s fucking wrong with me?”
He chuckles amusingly.
“You were never this cruel, Ronan,” I cry.
The laughter leaves his face and it’s replaced by a quiet fury that burns in his eyes. He leans down until our mouths almost touch and our breaths fuse as one. “You. You are what is wrong with me,” He lifts a hand about to touch me, but pulls it back, clenching it into a fist. “I want to know how to live without you,” he utters angrily, his brown gaze stormy. “But I don’t fucking know how.”
I take a step forward about to reach for him. “Ronan …”
“I thought that I saw him walk in here …” Elly says as loud as possible, alerting us to their approach.
Ronan and I both put as much space between us as we see Rachel and Elly enter the kitchen. Unable to look at them, I excuse myself and leave the room in a hurry, without taking another glance.
Ronan
“It’s a beautiful night.”
I glance back to find Rachel reclined against the doorframe, looking perfect in a cream cashmere turtleneck and trousers of the same color. I command my fucking heart to beat, to feel something, anything at the sight of her beautiful face, but it does nothing. It remains as calm as it always has been.
“Yeah.” I put out my cigarette and lean on the wooden handrail. “Come here, beautiful.”
“The house is so quiet.” Rachel steps onto the porch and walks straight into my arms, hugging my torso. “It seems we’re the only two people who didn’t go to the bar after dinner.”
I run a hand over her back, feeling her slight tremble under my touch. “Did you want to go? We can probably still catch up with them.”
Rachel shakes her head, rubbi
ng her cheek on my chest. “You smell so good.”
I kiss the top of her head and will myself to stop thinking about Blaire. Damn it to hell. Rachel deserves better than this.
After a pause Rachel says quietly, “We had fun, didn’t we?” I wrap her in my arms and tighten my hold on her, understanding what she means.
“I thought that you had moved on, but you haven’t. I don’t love you, Ronan, but I am falling for you. And for that reason, I’m walking away.” She places a soft kiss on my neck. “I can’t do this again. Not so soon after my divorce.”
“I’m sorry, Rachel.”
“Don’t apologize,” her voice cracks, “because if you do, it will mean that what we shared was a mistake, and it wasn’t. It was beautiful.” She lets me go, straightens, and pats my chest. “Just as you are.”
My hands go to her hips, gripping her soft curves. “I wish that I could—”
“Love me?” She smiles a small, rueful smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “No, my beautiful, blind man … you couldn’t have. Not when you never stopped belonging to her.”
I clench my jaw, hating myself because it’s true. As much as I try to deny my own heart, it’s no use. Blaire owns me. I thought that I had a choice to forget her, to live without her, but I was just fooling myself. To do so would be like asking the sun to stop rising at dawn. Impossible. Yet the consuming need to hurt her as much as she hurt me runs rampant within me, obliterating any tenderness for her left in my heart. The thirst to tear her apart with my fingers and feast on her blood is the fuel that has kept me going all this time. Because if I’m being honest with myself, she’s the reason why I accepted Rachel and Carl’s help. Why I gave up my foolish dreams of someday making it on my own and took the easy way out. She’s the reason behind every choice that I’ve made to bring me to this point.
“Ronan … if you love her, and it’s obvious that you do, why don’t you go after her?”
I look away from her blue eyes that seem able to get past every barrier that I have erected. “I can’t.”
How can I explain to her that my hunger for revenge outweighs my useless love for a woman who never wanted it? But it doesn’t matter. Life has finally smiled my way by placing Blaire in my path, and I will make her pay.
She urges me to look at her again. “There’s the stubborn streak that I love so much. But be careful or it will be your downfall.”
“I don’t deserve you, Rachel. I’ve done you wrong.”
“No, don’t say that, Ronan. I’m a big girl, and I knew what I was getting myself into from the beginning. Am I hurt?” She shrugs. “Maybe a little. But you’re worth it. So worth it. And I’ll recover. I know that now.” She touches her chest.
“You know, when I met you, I felt like there was ice inside me, but it’s gone. It isn’t there anymore. You’ve reminded me of what it feels like to make love, to laugh, to feel beautiful and desirable. Thanks to you, I feel like myself again.”
I lean down and kiss her for what will never be.
When we pull apart, she strokes my shoulder and smiles too brightly, her gaze glistening with unshed tears. “I better go. I sent for a driver a couple of hours ago and he just got here.” Rachel heads toward the door and stops when she’s almost reached it. She turns her head and looks me in the eye. “Life is too fleeting, Ronan. Make sure you don’t waste any more of it.”
Blaire
TONIGHT AS I SAT IN A booth surrounded by people, watching them laughing, drinking—having a good time—I couldn’t bring myself to join in the fun, to pretend that everything was all right. Emotionally and physically tired, I decided to come back to the house.
Locking the door behind me, I place Alessandro’s car keys in the dish on the wooden table by the entrance and go to my bedroom. Elly wanted to come with me but I told her to stay behind and hang out with her friends. She was probably worried that I would run into Ronan and Rachel.
I push the thought of them together in bed out of my mind as quickly as it comes. Definitely not going there. Once I’m inside my room, I recline my back against the door and close my eyes, losing myself in the silence and its accompanying calm.
“You win.”
I open my eyes swiftly and look in the direction of his voice. As my sight grows accustomed to the dark, I recognize Ronan’s form sitting in the accent chair by the window, the moonlight illuminating his face. Unable to speak, I watch as he rises and strolls toward me.
“Let’s hear what you have to say.”
I remain silent, incapable of uttering a coherent thought.
“What happened?” he asks, sarcasm dripping from his words. “You were so eager to explain things earlier. Well, now’s your chance.”
“No …” I protest weakly. I clear my voice and summon all the strength that I possess to deny him and do the right thing. “There’s no point now. Go back to Rachel.”
“Rachel’s gone—it’s over between us. It’s just you and me. Are you happy now?”
When he’s standing an inch away from me, it takes every ounce of willpower I own not to fall down to his feet asking him to forgive me. “I’m not happy, Ronan. How could I be after everything that I’ve done?”
“I see.” He chuckles, running a hand through his hair. “So this is your act now? Save it for another unsuspecting bastard, Blaire. You don’t need to put on a show for me. I’ve already told you that you won. I’m here, yeah?”
My heart is ready to burst with combating emotions—hope, fear, sorrow, and love blend as one. But the loudest is my love for the man who I tried unsuccessfully to forget. And it’s that fierce love that propels me to move forward and reach for him. Gone is the fear that someday he will hurt me or leave me. Gone are the thoughts that our love won’t be enough. All that matters is to finally hold him in my arms without anyone else between us.
“It’s not an act, Ronan.”
“I told you to save it.” He raises a staying hand. “I see the way that you look at me … I’m here to fuck you and get it over with.”
“You don’t mean that.” I dare to get a little closer to him. Lifting a hand, I watch him suck in a deep breath as I caress the crests of his cheeks with the back of my hand, I allow myself to feel an emotion that I haven’t in a long time.
And it’s wonderful.
And it’s madness.
It’s the sweetest hope, and it unfurls with each beat of my heart spreading like a wildfire throughout me. “Why are you really here, Ronan?”
His gaze penetrates mine, and I get lost in a sea of amber. “Why am I here?” he repeats forcefully. “Because I can’t fucking pretend when I’m around you. How can I when you’re embedded in me—in my damn soul. I’m here because I can’t help it. I need you even when you tear me apart.” Even in the darkness, his eyes burn me to ashes while his words give me life.
Ronan cups my face with both of his hands, holding me his slave, his touch in turns unforgiving and possessive. “I told myself that I should walk away, that I should forget you, that you’re not worth it.”
“And did it work?” I ask softly.
“No. I’m here, after all. Wanting you more than ever and it’s fucking killing me.” He tightens his grip. “I hate you for making me love you, and I hate myself because I can’t stop.”
Our eyes remain locked as I remove his hands gently from my face and begin to shower them with slow, revering kisses. Please forgive me. Kiss. It’s always been you. Kiss. Can you feel it? Kiss. Come back to me. Come back to me.
Come back to me.
Defeated, Ronan groans and pulls me in a tight embrace, and it feels like I’ve finally come home. Our time apart melts into a meaningless nothing.
“Tell me that you want me to go,” he pleads, his voice hoarse with emotion.
“I can’t.” I pull him closer to me. “Not that.”
“Why not?” The words are torn from his chest.
“Because I can’t lie to you.” I raise my eyes to look at him, offering myself to him. �
��You cruel man, I don’t want you to leave me.”
“Then I’ll stay.”
“Undress.”
He stands by the foot of the bed as I take off my clothes, watching me remove every layer that covers my body. Hesitant and nervous, I feel like we’re back in my bedroom about to make love for the first time on that never-forgotten lovely summer evening. By the time I’m completely naked, he undresses as well and comes to stand in front of me.
“Lie on the bed.”
His voice suddenly so devoid of emotion sends a chill running down my spine, but I ignore it. My desire to make him understand that I am his and only his blinds me to everything, even the odd light flashing in his gaze.
When I’m lying on the bed, he moves to stand between my legs, grabs me by the hips, dragging me forward so my feet touch the floor, and spreads my thighs apart. It’s crude and detached. Part of me knows that he’s punishing me for what I’ve done to him, so I let him and hope that this is what he must do before he can forgive me. Without preparing me for his invasion, Ronan pushes forward until he’s deep inside me. I cry out in pain while losing my mind in the sweetest agony of feeling him inside me after so long, of being this close once again. Breathing heavily, he stops all movement as a tremor runs down his entire body. The anger edged on his face should scare me, but all that matters, all I care is giving myself to Ronan.
His chest rises and falls in a labored rhythm while his arms tremble as he holds himself above me. “Blaire, I—” his voice breaks.
“Shh …” I reach for him, enveloping him in my arms, and pull him toward me until our bodies become one, willing my love for him to show him the way back to me.
“I love you, Ronan.”
He tries to pull away from me then, but I don’t let him. “Don’t,” he murmurs harshly. “Don’t say that.”
We struggle but I continue to hold onto him as though my whole life depends on this moment, feeling every muscle in his body shake like a rolling earthquake under my hands. “I love you,” I repeat. I caress his skin, showering him with kisses as I try to make him understand with my touch what he won’t accept with my words. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”