“So, now you know?” he asked as if hoping I didn’t.
“Yeah, Anna spilled the beans. If nothing else it answered a lot of questions. I just don’t quite know where we go from here.” Eric put his arm on my shoulder.
“It was a terrible time, a terrible time. Everyone was so angry, screaming and yelling. Anna couldn’t function; Agnes had a breakdown, which Simon made worse by saying some horrible things to Agnes, who then said some horrible things to me. It was the only time I threatened to leave him. I mean I’m not defending what Agnes did, but there was no reason to say those things and I think a lot of what Agnes said was in reaction to that. Anna’s only now coming back to something like what she was before, but I worry about her relationship with Agnes. I know I shouldn’t have any sympathy for Agnes, she has, after all, said some really nasty things to me, but I know what it’s like to be estranged from your family.”
“They didn’t understand your lifestyle choice?”
He smiled.
“You could say that. I guess my point is I hope you don’t give up on Agnes. I can tell she likes you, and she hasn’t had much luck with men. I think she has a good heart; it’s just that sometimes it doesn’t show. She’s been lost long enough. She could use the love.”
Love?
“You’re the second person to tell me that. There must be something about her, but I already knew that. The problem is reconciling that to what she did.”
Eric straightened the lapels on my jacket. “It’s easy to stand on the sidelines and judge, Monk. He treated her very badly, knocked her around; raped her. I don’t think any of us really understood how bad it was. Think about what it must have been like for her? The shame, the degradation, feeling trapped; believing this was all she deserved? Maybe she took it because she suffered a lot of self-loathing after Simon left? Maybe she felt she didn’t deserve to be loved, I don’t know. And I’m not saying that to excuse what happened, but it matters. I watched my father beat my mother when he drank and she stayed for years.”
Anna was ready. I hadn’t noticed her as I was talking to Eric.
“Thanks, Eric, I enjoyed meeting you. I hope we have another opportunity some time.”
“Me too. You’re leaving?”
“Yeah, I think we’ll head north tomorrow, drive through Napa. Thanks for letting Anna spend the day with us.”
“Don’t thank me, I just backed her up with Simon. She wanted to know about you.”
“Great, more pressure.”
“It builds character,” he said with a big smile
“Just what I need.”
We said goodbye. Agnes was out of the car, leaning against the trunk. I told her we were going. We got in the car. I sat in the front this time. Anna was curious about Joanie, so I gave her the short version of our relationship. I wondered why we were even going given what she had said to me earlier, but here we were, on our way.
Anna wanted to know about me. So we talked about my past. She seemed interested in Rebekah and our relationship. I had to confess that I needed to do better. I had a bad habit of thinking I should stay on the sidelines rather than get involved. Anna suggested that only made the distance worse. I had to agree. I had plans to see her; I just had to follow through on them. Then Anna said a remarkable thing.
“I think you should take my mother with you. I don’t think she’s been to Virginia.”
Agnes who hadn’t said a word spoke up, “I’d like to go with you.”
“We’ll work something out. Rebekah has also talked of coming here.”
Agnes smiled. It drew some of the darkness out of me.
The Mind’s Eye was a supper club, or had been in its day. It wasn’t very big, but it wasn’t packed together and the stage, which had been part of the original design, hadn’t changed so it wasn’t mashed into a corner of the bar or by the doors in and out of the kitchen. I told the maître d’ we were guests of the entertainment and he showed us to our table. It was a happy bubbly place, which we were sorely in need of.
We ordered drinks and listened as Joanie began her set. We’d made it just in time. She sang with the house trio, drums, piano, and a standup bass. I hadn’t been to one of Joanie’s shows in a while and I’d forgotten how wonderful her voice was. Anna seemed to enjoy it and I took Agnes’s hand, which buoyed her spirits. She moved closer to me. It felt good. Maybe the past was shit, but for now, things were good.
We ordered dinner after the first set. Joanie came over. I introduced her to Agnes and Anna.
“Monk, you didn’t tell me your guests were this beautiful.”
Anna complimented Joanie on her singing. “Monk tells me the two of you had a torrid affair?”
“Monk has a vivid imagination.”
“I can remember it however I like, truth be damned.”
“Uh-huh. It nice to meet you Agnes, Monk’s been a little coy about you, but I’m glad you and Anna decided to come listen. It’s always appreciated.”
Agnes, ever vigilant, chimed back, “You have a lovely voice. I hear your boyfriend is a musician?” I raised my eyebrows, something Anna and Joanie picked up on.
“Yes, Mikal is a musician. Right now he’s finishing up a tour in Asia, but he also produces and arranges. He’ll be back in a couple of weeks.”
“Mikal Thorvaldsen?” asked Anna.
“Yes, you know him?”
“Eric does. I met him once at a party. Mikal played while Eric sang. He was very good. We had a great time.”
“Wow. Small world, huh, Monk?” Joanie was surprised.
“Small world.” So was I.
We had our dinner and stayed for Joanie’s second set. It was quieter with more ballads and love songs. Agnes took my hand and held on for dear life. Anna was more talkative, telling me of her love of music and her hope that one day she might have a place like this with both food and music. I told her that sounded wonderful and Agnes added that Anna used to play the piano and flute when she was younger. They asked if I played an instrument or was even musically inclined. I confessed that I knew how to play the guitar and thought I had an ok voice, but I left that in Virginia. Both encouraged me to take it back up.
Once Joanie was finished, we said our goodbyes and Anna took us back to the hotel. She hugged her mother and allowed that it was nice to get to know me. I told her I felt the same, and that I looked forward to seeing her again. She didn’t say no. I figured that was as good as it would get. We watched as she pulled away and went inside. I didn’t bother to see if anyone was watching us.
Agnes put her hand in mine on the way to the room and seemed determined not to let go. It wasn’t until I had to use the bathroom that she relented. I promised I’d be back. It was there I tried to quiet the voices in my head going back and forth. Eric was right; I had no right to judge, but I was tormented by the revelation that she was willing to return to someone who tried to rape her daughter and who had done the same to her.
The phone rang.
It was Llewellyn.
“Monk, I have some news for you. I got into the tablet.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. One of the icons is just more sex, though it appears to be homemade, but the other is the group file.”
“Whose in it?”
He gave me the names. As I suspected Martin was in the group, as was Boyer. He listed my attackers, Artie and Gordy, and two other names, Brent Holly and Wilmer Fordham. I wondered if they were our two dead guys in the alley. Boyer was the last to join. Recently. There was one other thing.
“A name came up I didn’t expect.”
“What name?”
“Deneso
va.”
“Really? Thanks Llewellyn.”
He said he’d call if he found anything else. I said I’d pick up the tablet when I returned to LA. I put the phone away and found Agnes sitting on the bed. I sat next to her.
“Who was on the phone?”
“Just a guy.”
I put my arm around her and focused on her face. I hadn’t looked closely before. She had beautiful eyes and a sweet mouth with a smallish nose. I noticed it was a little off, and there were marks, scars, on her nose and around her temples. Her eyes were wet and her face was warm. I kissed her.
“I’m sorry, Monk.”
“Why?” I kept up the kissing.
“For not telling you the truth.”
I put my hand on her cheek. “You don’t owe me an apology or an explanation.”
“I don’t…”
I put my finger to her lips. “Agnes?”
“Yes?”
“We’re ok.”
The tears started falling but I didn’t care. We fell back on the bed tugging at our clothes; tugging at the covers. Her tears were salty and I wanted her so badly I couldn’t stop. She moaned and cried and pushed against me as hard as I pushed against her. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had such a violent orgasm. Agnes didn’t want to stop or let go. I went as long as I could until I was out of breath. I pulled the covers over us and held her tight. I was fading fast.
“Thank you for being here with me,” she whispered.
“Get some sleep.”
Tomorrow’s another day.
32
We slept till ten, something I didn’t normally do, but the day before had been long and more than a little stressful. Between two dead guys, the truth about Jordan, and all the pent-up emotions, I was exhausted. So was Agnes. By the time we were up and ready, the continental breakfast was over and it was time to check out. I dutifully hauled our bags to the car, and quickly made sure the 45 was safe. On the way out of town we stopped for donuts and coffee, crossed the bridge and ate our healthy breakfast on the other side of the bay looking back at the city in the late morning light. Agnes wanted to stick to the coast. I wanted to go through Napa, so we split the deck, up along the coast and back through wine country. She didn’t care that we’d have to backtrack and I wasn’t in a big hurry to get to the farm. I called Moses to say we’d be there eventually.
It was another warm and sunny California day.
Agnes didn’t say much but her mood was better. I assumed it was from many things, good sex, sleep, and distance. I smiled at her and she smiled back. We stopped whenever the mood struck us so we could look at the edge of the world. In the afternoon we had lunch at Redwoods State Park, down by the Navarro River. We listened as it made its way to the ocean.
“I wish I could live out here, Monk. A long way from everything.”
“Wouldn’t you get lonely or bored?”
“No, I’d have you come live with me.”
“Really?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“You got this all worked out then?” She looked at me and grabbed my hand.
“I do. I decided you’re not going anywhere.”
“No?”
“No. You’re the first decent man I’ve ever known.”
“I can’t believe that. What about your father?”
Agnes frowned. “My father never really cared for me. He didn’t care for the girly stuff, and as you can imagine, I was a girly girl. He liked Simon a lot more than me because Simon was an athlete. After Simon left, he all but accused me of turning him gay.”
“You know, you don’t have to tell me this.”
Agnes smiled at me and squeezed my hand. “I know, but I want you to know and that includes all the bad stuff and all the mistakes. I want you to know so you’ll understand why I want you to be with me. I want you to know why you’re so important to me. I don’t care if it’s only been a couple of weeks or whatever; I don’t care if you don’t believe me. For the first time in my life I’m sure of something and no one, not even you, Monk Buttman, is going to change my mind about it.”
“Really?”
“Really!” Agnes wasn’t upset or teary. In fact, it was almost as if we were discussing our favorite food rather than her recent troubles.
There was a trail nearby. She spoke as we walked.
“Believe it or not, Simon was the only man I knew till I was thirty-five. I didn’t sleep with anyone else, I didn’t know any better. We got married when we were eighteen, and I was pregnant at nineteen. After Anna was born, Simon became less and less interested in me. I spent most of my twenties and thirties alone. It’s not a nice thing to say, but I spent a lot of nights masturbating to foolish fantasies.”
“No one knew he was gay?”
“I’m sure people knew, but no one said anything to me. The closest was a girl I went to school with who said Simon liked boys, but I didn’t know what she was talking about. I just thought he was shy or didn’t know what to do. I suggested we try different things, but he wasn’t interested. Of course, that’s because he was in love with Eric.”
“Why would he marry you if he was gay? I mean it’s not like you got married in the fifties?”
Agnes sighed. “He told me, later, it was because he wanted a family. So he put up with me long enough to father two kids. I also know he was terrified of AIDS. A lot of his friends got sick and quite a few of them died. I guess I should be grateful he was careful. And to be honest, he was nice in the beginning. Later he just avoided me and complained about the house or this and that. He was probably as miserable as I was. Then there was the fiasco with his coming out but not leaving, then leaving. I remember him saying he was sorry but he couldn’t love me anymore, and I wondered if he ever really did. I was heartbroken and lashed out. I started running around with men I had no business being with. That’s how I ended up with Jordan.”
We sat on a bench made from an old tree trunk. Agnes began making circles in the dirt with her shoes. She took my arm and put it on her shoulder.
“You don’t have to talk about Jordan?”
“I know, but I need to say it out loud, to get it out. Jordan was a lie from the start. All that stuff I told you was a lie. It’s what I wanted to believe because the truth was so ugly. I was a mess and he took advantage of that, but it’s not like I didn’t know what was going on. I was angry. I hated myself and hated my life. He was the perfect piece of shit to go with my perfect piece of shit life. I didn’t deserve to be loved and I took a kind of perverse pleasure in the misery he inflicted on me. I lied and told people he meant to treat me better, that it was the alcohol, but deep down I knew better. And he hit me from the start. I don’t know what I was thinking. I know it continued to get worse, and I know that everyone kept telling me to leave, but I was defiantly going to let my life kill me no matter what anyone said.”
Agnes pulled away from me and stood up.
“After he broke my nose the second time, MaryAnn called the police, and that really got him worked up. He told me if it happened again he’d kill me. And for the first time, I realized he probably would. By then I was working for Johnny, and he had taken an interest in the kids and me. He tried to get me to leave, but I wouldn’t listen. Jordan didn’t want me to work there, but I needed the money. That’s when he started acting up with Anna.
“When I told him he couldn’t do that, he broke my arm. I told everyone I fell down the stairs. Barron couldn’t stand it and enlisted. Anna spent more and more time with her father. Jordan would come over and ask where Anna was and would get mad when I said he couldn’t see her. He called me an ugly worthless bitch, told me nobody loved
me and nobody ever would. And yet I stayed, even though he beat me. Even though he fucked me whether I wanted to or not, and he would laugh and tell me how worthless I was.”
She bent down and picked up a pinecone and handed it to me.
“It came to a head when I found out he was stalking Anna. She came to see me to say she wouldn’t come over anymore until I left him and called the police. I told her ok, but I lied. He came over and he told me to get out and…”
“You don’t have to say anymore, I don’t need to know…” I didn’t want to know.
Agnes smiled at me. “Yes, you do, you need to know.”
She was rubbing her hands as if trying to remove the stain. “I left ,Monk; I left her with him. I was in my car, crying, waiting for it to be over. I don’t remember getting out, I don’t remember going back in. I didn’t want to, I was so afraid. Maybe that’s my only saving grace, I did go back in. He hit me and hit me and hit me. Anna was screaming and screaming. After what seemed like forever Jordan left. Anna kept screaming and it finally dawned on me that she was screaming at me. She ran out and I tried to chase her but I couldn’t get up.
“I was completely numb. It was then that I realized how terrible a person I had become. I just lay there. I couldn’t even cry. The next day I made it to the living room. He was waiting. He knocked me down, tore off my clothes and…and then, he beat the living daylights out of me. I don’t remember much else.”
Agnes sat down and put her hand on my face, on the side that was still discolored. What did I know about pain? My life was a veritable joyride.
“Who found you, the police?”
“No, Johnny did. He covered me up and took me to the hospital. I was in bad shape, but I deserved it. I had gotten what I’d asked for. I considered myself worthless, and that’s how I was treated. After what I did to Anna, I didn’t care if he killed me; I wasn’t worth saving.” She sat there staring at the ground. “Johnny took care of me, paid for everything, even fixing my face. See?” she pointed to it.
“You have a beautiful face.”
Where Fools Dare to Tread Page 26