The old man chuckled. “He’s still there, and I haven’t changed my mind when it come to the conditions working people face, but, yes, I’ve mellowed, much as I dislike that word.”
We stayed along the road. Agnes kept up with Moses as Meredith and I fell back. She and Moses formalized their relationship when she got pregnant. I was ten. Since I lived in the bunkhouse, our lives didn’t intersect like they would have had we lived under the same roof. During those seven years she made no effort to be my mother, which both vexed and pleased me. What I did remember was an understanding and empathy that allowed people to speak more openly to her than they otherwise would to someone else.
“What do you think of Agnes?” I noticed Meri watching her.
“I think she’s a bit of a lost soul. I felt a terrible kind of sadness around her. From what she told me, her life’s been a series of disappointments and bad choices. We had a chance to talk this morning and I was struck by how quick she was to disparage herself. I had to ask her to stop apologizing for her perceived shortcomings. As if every woman knows her way around a kitchen. I know she loves you. She expressed it many times. I was a little surprised when she told me that you’ve only known each other a short while, but she didn’t care. She said that for the first time in her life she felt she had a chance to be happy, that you were the first man she’d known who accepted her. Apparently, her other relationships didn’t go well.”
“Did she talk about them?”
“Only in passing. She said they didn’t matter anymore. She wants to put her energy into what she has now. And you, what do you think of Agnes?”
“I don’t know. I’ve always disliked the idea that two people are made for each other, that seems so fairytale-ish to me, but I find myself surprised by how well we get along. I mean I like her, the way she is, and she feels the same about me. At least that’s what she tells me. She annoys me in the best way and has no problem giving me grief if. I think about her when we’re apart. Other than that, I don’t think there’s much there.”
Meredith smiled. “And the sex?”
“Oh that. I can’t complain. I could say it’s been very good, but that might be too much information.”
“For some.”
Agnes and Moses were waiting for us up the road.
“How’s Moses doing?” I figured it was better to ask her. “Not that I’m complaining, but he seems a lot less intense, almost easy-going if that’s possible.”
Meredith took my arm, surprising me.
“He’s less ornery to be sure. Some of that is time passing. The other is that life deals you challenges and Moses has had his share. I’d say there were three that changed him. The first was the revolt about a decade ago. You know your father can be very headstrong; how else do you explain that this community is still thriving? But he can rub you raw at times and there was quite a blow-up between him and the Mackinaws; all over what kind of grapes to plant, but really it was your father being overly demanding for too long and the brothers had had enough.”
Franco and Brewster Mackinaw were there from the beginning, back in the freewheeling Sixties. The three of them decided to go off the grid, although in those days, as I recall, it was getting back to working the soil with your hands They were the patriarchs of the farm, the three heads of the family.
“They always argued,” I said.
“True, but divisions build up. The brothers decided to leave after that and there was a lot of worry that the farm wouldn’t survive once they were gone, but fate made that a secondary concern.” Meredith held on to me as she spoke.
“Why, what happened?”
“Your father’s heart began failing. He had to have surgery to fix it. It removed him from the day-to-day operations for the first time in his life. He didn’t even want to go. If life kills me so be it, he bellowed, but I’d had enough as well. He was going to have it fixed whether he wanted to or not. He was not going to drop dead. I convinced the brothers to stay and put them in charge. Moses had to step back while he recovered, and lo and behold, the world did not end. As a matter of fact, our little community prospered. Your father had to admit that there were other paths to take, other voices to hear. He still groused, but there was no going back.”
Meredith paused. Her head turned to the man ahead of us. She started to say something before turning to me.
“What?”
“What? It’s his sons and you in particular. A father believes in his sons, you know, believes they see the value of his life. Yet all of you left. Sterling is our liaison to the wineries. He learned the business here and we had hoped he would stay, but he prefers to live in Napa these days. Isaac fell in love and followed Allison, his wife, on her missions. They work in Africa helping the poor. And Jacob, he surprised us all and became a Marine.”
“Really?”
Jacob the youngest of my half-brothers was supposed to be the second coming of Moses. He was the favorite. At least that’s the way I remember it. In truth, I remember very little of them. They were just kids when I left, Sterling, the oldest, was seven.
“Yes, after 9/11, he decided he needed to do his part. We were shocked to say the least. Moses, surprisingly, had little to say when he told us. We see him when we can. I can’t tell you how worried I’ve been every time they send him over for another tour. It terrifies me.”
“Agnes’ son, Barron, is in the Army.” It was all I could think of to say. I was still trying to process the idea that one of us would end up in uniform. It wasn’t encouraged, particularly by Moses, who viewed it as giving up your life for people who never see you as anything more than a statistic. It never occurred to me to join. It apparently occurred to Jacob.
“Yes, she told me. Odd, isn’t it, where you find a kindred soul?”
“It is…” I looked at Moses. “And then there’s Sunshine…”
“And then there’s Sunshine, lost for so long. He’d never say it, but he was heartbroken when you missed the gathering. After it was over, he did a lot of rationalizing, but I think he believed you would never return. He retreated to the vineyards. In some ways I think that’s best. Your father’s not a young man and it’s important that the younger members have their say.”
“I don’t have a good reason for staying away. I wish I did, but…”
“But you’re here now. That’s all we can ask. I’ve learned over the years that nothing is easy or uncomplicated, no matter how hard you try to burrow back to a time where it all made sense. Your father loves you. I can’t tell you how much it means to him to have you here, what it means to all of us.”
I had no idea what to say to that. I had no idea what to do except to keep walking. Meredith let go of my arm. I gave her a hug and she smiled back at me.
“Welcome home, our dear Sunshine, welcome home.”
“Thanks.” I tried to keep my eyes focused on the road.
Agnes and Moses were waiting.
So was James.
34
It was an access road, crushed rock and dirt, one of many crisscrossing the fields. I stood in the same spot I had on that afternoon when I was seventeen. I remember my legs shook so badly that I could barely stand. I shit myself as the man with the gun laughed at me. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to be back with my girlfriend and our baby. Miguel and James were crying too. The three of us crying as the Pronto brothers taunted us. I could see them as clearly now as I had then. We were just boys stupidly thinking we could deal with gangsters. We were wrong. The sun, high above, burned as we waited to be murdered. I didn’t understand any of it. James was confident it was an easy score. Miguel was not. He literally begged us not to go, but James told him not to worry.
It was in the bag.
Agnes was with me as I stood there.
After the vineyards, Moses and Meredith took us to the orchards, the fields and the herb gardens, then to the barns and the pens to see the livestock. Agnes was charmed by this rural life. To me, it was just the past. We had lunch with the others, but my thoughts were elsewhere. The road was calling me. James was calling me. The three of us were as tight as boys could be. All those years raising hell, getting into trouble, dreaming; the black kid, the migrant, and Sunshine. Outcasts we were, but we didn’t care. We had each other. Agnes listened as I thought out loud, there on that lonely road.
“I was the idiot. I didn’t pay attention and I didn’t care. I thought it was something to do to pass the time, something to do in a place where not much happened, but for Miguel and James it was serious business. James was the believer; he had big plans. Miguel was the strategist, the one to get us there. I was the third wheel, but they needed me because I was the white kid. I could do what they couldn’t. People watched them. They don’t trust black kids and migrants, but a white kid? I had a free pass just about everywhere.”
The memory stretched out. Too wide for me to compress, but I had to get it out, out of my head and out into the atmosphere. There the wind would carry it away, far far away. That day had buried me for too long. I had to get it out. Just as Agnes needed me to hear about her time with Jordan, I needed her to hear about mine with James. Someone had to know what I had done here.
“We were just kids, doing a little dealing. I considered it harmless fun. I remember being asked if I could score some bud for a guy. I guess since I was a hippie kid everyone thought the farm was filled with potheads. I knew the old man and the Mackinaws smoked, but they didn’t do in front of us kids and they were very discreet around other adults. I told Miguel about it and he said he could get some from his cousins. So we got into the business, but we were small timers.
“Every once in a while I’d go south on a run for the old man to pick up supplies and I would sneak into Mexico to pick up some bud for Miguel’s cousins. It was easy money. I’d take Astral and then Rebekah along. We never got stopped. I was an all American white guy with his all American girlfriend and his all American baby. Neither Miguel or James would’ve made it past the border, but I was just another white kid living it up in Mexico for a day or two. They all cooed over Rebekah and it never occurred to me that if we’d been caught I’d probably still be in jail. That’s how I was then, a thoughtless idiot.”
I reached down for a handful of dirt. It was red with James’ blood. I flung it out towards the field. My hands were still bloody. They had been for twenty-six years.
“We came out here to meet the Pronto brothers, Frankie and Gene. They were the local thugs. I didn’t know anything about territories or any of that. Like I said I was just riding the wave, acting as if it was no different than surfing at Laguna. They heard about our dealing and didn’t like our horning in on their turf. Miguel wanted us to work with his cousins to broker a deal, but James said he had it taken care of. He’d run a deal for them. I didn’t know what his deal was, but he told me to play dumb; there was a lot of money at stake. It didn’t dawn on me that we were in big trouble till we were on this road. Miguel told me to turn around. James told me it was all right. Back and forth they argued. I believed him right until they stopped us. Before I knew it, the guns were out and we were on our knees.”
I picked up another handful of bloody dirt.
“They grabbed James and pushed him up against their truck. They wanted the money. He said he gave them everything that was given to him. No, they said there was a lot more; that we were holding out on them. Then they started to beat us. They were going to kill us here in this field. I couldn’t breathe. They had broken three of my ribs. There was blood running out of my mouth and nose. They held James up against the truck and dragged Miguel and me over to him. They put a knife in our hands and told us we had a choice. We either killed James or they would kill us all. I was blubbering and whining, but Miguel didn’t say a word. His face was like a stone. He looked at me and I said I couldn’t do it. I dropped the knife, but he picked it up and put it back in my hand. James just stared at us. He didn’t say anything even though his lips were moving. The brothers were screaming at us to kill the fucking nig…to do it. They hit us with their guns and pressed them against our heads. Miguel took my hand and we…”
I was on my knees, my hands on the ground. Agnes had her arms around me. She was crying.
“We killed him. We killed our friend. We killed James, because we were afraid, because we didn’t want to die. They told us we had two days to get the money or they’d do the same to us. They said they’d kill my stupid bitch girlfriend and that fucking kid of mine. James was tied to the rear bumper. I can still see him staring at us, holding his stomach as he bled to death. They were laughing as they drove off.”
“I’m sorry, Monk; I’m so sorry.”
“Why?” I wanted to be whole again, but that part was gone. “I can still see him” There he was, standing in front of me, that uncomprehending look on his face.
“What do you want me to do?”
I looked at Agnes. “I can’t leave him here.”
“He’s not here. We buried him with his father.”
We turned to find Moses behind us. I hadn’t heard him drive up. He put his hand on my shoulder.
“It’s time to forgive yourself. Please son, come home.”
35
I sat in the car as Moses drove. Agnes followed in the old man’s truck. She didn’t know how to drive a stick, never mind a column shifter. I stared at the fields. I didn’t feel any better. If anything I felt worse. All the land did was remind me of my failures and my cowardice. I was back where I started.
After they left us on the road, Miguel said we had to tell Moses; there was no other way. He was all we had left. What else could we do?
He was so angry, but he never raised his voice. That didn’t prevent him from telling us how badly we’d fucked up. What was he going to tell Esmeralda, James’s mother? How was he going to explain how we’d gotten him killed? We had no answers, nothing. We were in bad shape as it was. He took Miguel to his cousins. He packed me, Astral, and Rebekah into the Falcon, gave us enough money to get going and sent us to Virginia. I hurt like hell. He patched me up, told me it was of my own making and I’d have to live with it. I’d heal. I told myself I’d never come back…
“Where did you find him?”
“In the field off Lorry Road,” he said.
I couldn’t ask what was left of him.
“Marsyas Durant said I should ask you about the early days. He said he knew you?” I was tired of the road noise. I wanted something to think about other than James.
“Marsyas Durant? Where’d that come from?”
“I work for his firm now. I met him on a road in Santa Barbara after his car broke down.”
Moses smiled. “Marsyas Durant came to us a long time ago when word got out about the quality of our weed. He said he knew a group that was interested in buying some of our plants. He told us there was big money to be made, but I said we weren’t interested. Brew and Franc were and we argued and argued. Of course, in those days we grew it for ourselves and a few friends. We had an agreement with sheriff Bob that we’d keep it low key, no hanky-panky. I had no interest in the money, but after what happened with James and then the Pronto brothers, Bob laid down the law. He wasn’t going to have the Feds or the Staters rooting around his county! There would be no more drug-related killings, so we sold our stock and seeds to Durant’s people. I haven’t grown any since.”
“Is that all?”
Moses looked at me. It was the face he saved for those times when I’d say something stupid. I laughed a
nd told him of my more recent adventures, of Boyer and Desiree, Martin and Judith. I told him about seeing Miguel again and the story he told me. I wanted to know why Marsyas Durant, one of the most powerful men in LA, would have me ask an aging hippie about his recreational pot.
Moses wasn’t having it.
“I couldn’t tell you why he had you ask about the old days, other than as a cautionary tale. We like to think it was all peace and love back then, but there were always angry violent forces in play. Look at Manson and his little family; the assassinations and bombings. I have no illusions about my youth or that time. Neither should you.”
“I had those beaten out of me.”
Moses let out a deep sigh. We were back at the farm. He pulled to the side and waved Agnes around. She waved as she passed us. We followed her in and parked. Meredith was by the door. Agnes stood with her as we approached.
“Meri, would you and Agnes excuse us for a while. Monk and I have some things to talk about.” Meredith gave me a hug. I knew my eyes were red and I was sure I didn’t appear overly festive.
“So long as you don’t miss supper, we have a big celebration planned for tonight remember?”
“I’d be a fool to forget.” He kissed her, and then said something to Agnes. She smiled and the two of them went into the house. Moses and I stood on the porch surveying the valley. The sun had settled into a nest of clouds, playing peek-a-boo.
“It’s always been peaceful here. No endless blasts of noise or the harsh lights that never seem to go out. It’s quiet here. Don’t you miss it?”
I thought about it. “Sometimes, but I had that in Virginia. It too was peaceful and quiet. It was also lonely and isolating. I spent my time feeling angry and lost. I was mean to Astral and absent to my daughter. I spent years doing work I detested.”
“I think you exaggerate. I asked Lilith about that. You know she doesn’t like to be called Astral anymore. She told me you were, in fact, quite successful. She said your yields were always strong. Something Judah could never quite replicate.”
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