by tantan
while the lamb covertly nibbled at his expansive beard.
Waking up in Utopia, where the Smoothies are Free
Welcome to the Afterlife," said Mary to Anne. "Every day in the afterlife is less than an hour in the real world. So don't worry about missing out on things at home while you're here."
Anne looked around as if in a trance. Her senses seemed to tell her that she wasn't where she was. She felt disoriented and sick.
A naked man ran across the road shouting "God is dead! God is dead! We killed Him!" He looked at Anne and his eyes seemed to lose their madness for a minute. "If God is dead then who's going to make us smoothies? Oh the horror!" he cried.
"That was Nietzsche" said Mary. "He does that every morning, as soon as he wakes up. Sadly. He doesn't talk much anymore". Anne shivered for a minute and then fell to the ground. She took refuge in the safety of the black nothingness that was slowly enveloping her, and gradually lost consciousness.
When she came through she found herself staring into the eyes of an old man with a flowing white beard, wearing a T-shirt and a pair of jeans with a Harley-Davidson leather jacket. Anne had never seen such a strange get-up before.
"Where am I?" she asked him.
"You're in Utopia," he replied in a voice that exuded youth and charm. "Don't worry kiddo. You've just fainted. Happened to Mary the first time she got here too."
At the mention of 'Mary' all memory of the last few hours came flooding back to her. She sat up straight and looked around her. She was surrounded by Ancient Grecian architecture. There was also an electric light dangling from the ceiling, which she thought was some kind of decoration. She had never seen an electric bulb before. There was a pinball machine in the corner and a Bhose audio system opposite it, all completely alien to Anne. The rest of the room was bare apart from the bed she was lying on and a desk piled with loose sheets of paper.
Observing Anne's puzzlement the bearded man said, "I know lots of things don't make sense to you right now, but that will change. Just relax and don't worry about a thing. Swallow this," he handed Anne a white pill and a glass of water. Anne swallowed the pill and relapsed into a state of unconsciousness.
There Be Norsemen
The next morning, Peter and the lamb, Thomas, Hearthoff and Laird McShooflee gathered at the lake outside the castle. Hearthoff was dressed in full Viking regalia with furs, a helmet with mammoth tusks attached to them, a war hammer, boots made from Sasquatch fur, a girdle ,and gloves that looked shiny enough for a king. Peter and Thomas had been given thick coats and good boots by the Laird earlier to wear on the journey. They were still as much in the dark as before on Hearthoff's plans, except for knowing that they were going somewhere cold.
"All right lads," said Hearthoff. "We're finally ready to begin our journey."
"It began a day ago," said Thomas.
"Don't interrupt. I'm giving an inspirational speech. As I said… We're finally ready to begin our journey. A glorious adventure awaits us. To the victor the spoils and all that stuff". After saying this he dived into the lake and hit his head against the ground beneath the water and cursed. "Ow. Lads, if you want to dive don't do it in the shallow bit".
Shooflee pushed Thomas and Peter into the lake, after they decided that they didn't want to go after all. He looked around for the lamb and chased it through a series of nooks and crannies before finally succeeding in getting it into the lake.
"I hope you die Hearthoff," he shouted and then muttered some pagan words under his breath. The colour of the lake changed to a blood-red, and a whirlpool formed at the centre. It gradually drew Thomas, Peter, Hearthoff and the lamb into its vortex. Peter, Thomas and the lamb paddled around madly, but to no avail, shouting at the top of their lungs.
The four adventurers literally fell through the whirlpool and found themselves in another lake surrounded by a frozen wasteland. They swam to shore and dried themselves off as best they could.
"We're here," Hearthoff said joyfully, always one for stating the obvious, and led the brave adventurers to a walled city, which could be seen on the horizon, with a spring in his step. They covered the distance in no time, the bitter cold wind encouraging them to move at a faster pace than they were used to, through the frozen wasteland. They approached a rainbow bridge that crossed over a river. Hearthoff muttered some words under his breath and told them to cross. They navigated the rainbow bridge in leaps and bounds, never once looking down. Hearthoff however calmly walked across it like he crossed rainbow bridges everyday. A horn sounded as they neared the town and a big hefty blonde Norseman, dressed in battle armour and with an axe by his side, came out to meet them.
"What business do you have here?" he asked in a guttural, threatening tone. "Lord Thor," he asked excitedly, bowing before Hearthoff, "is that you? Yes it is!" His voice rose many octaves higher to its previous pitch as he said this. "Lord Thor has come again. Lord Thor!" he shouted to some Norsemen gathered behind him, in his now effeminate voice. The crowd ran to Hearthoff and bowed before him.
"Where is Heimdall?" Hearthoff asked the gatekeeper.
"He's gone on vacation to Hawaii, my Lord," he replied.
Hearthoff arranged for golden chariots to take them wherever it was he wanted to go.
"These are automatic lads. Just sit back and enjoy the ride," Hearthoff grinned with delight, and stroked the surface of the chariot. He was clearly in his element.
Soon, they were flying in the sky riding the golden chariots. They arrived at their destination flying as fast as lightening. Norsemen helped them out of the chariots and took them to the main hall
Meat, Mead and Lithium
"Welcome Lord," said one of the Norsemen, guiding them through the hall. "Welcome to Valhalla," he said, turning to the two boys, and lamb.
After they were dried before a fire in the main hall the celebrations began with gusto. A goat urinated mead into a vat continuously which was then served by the Valkyries. Several cows, goats and dozens of chicken, as well as the boar Sæhrimnir were slaughtered for the ensuing binge fest, and served on the long table.
"Why do they call you Lord Thor?" asked Thomas when the Norsemen decided to give Hearthoff a break from the feasting for a minute or two.
"Coz that's my name here," replied Hearthoff. Thomas decided to give up trying to understand what was going on. "Now listen closely," Hearthoff said moving in closer to the two boys, "this is Valhalla. They fight fierce battles during the day and celebrate during the night. You can't get injured here after eating this meat. You just regenerate what you've lost. So don't worry about picking fights here. They like it and will probably approve."
Peter cut his fingers on one of the swords placed near the walls to see if what Hearthoff said was true. Sure enough, the wound began to heal and close before Peter could say 'Rubbish'. He laughed, took a gulp of mead and passed out. It was much stronger than Wottish ale. Thomas and the lamb passed out in quick succession.
Hearthoff shook his head and muttered "Happens all the time to first timers. I should've warned them." After making sure his companions were comfortable in their state, he went to the middle of the hall to dance with all the women he could see, stealing quick kisses whenever the opportunity arose. He then joined in a discussion with some Norsemen about the efficacy of lithium in the treatment of manic depressive illness. The Norsemen laughed at everything Hearthoff said, like they'd never stop.
When Hearthoff got bored with this he decided to have a drinking contest with the man who had first greeted them at Valhalla. The man soon fell into the same state Peter, Thomas and the lamb were in. After this, Hearthoff decided to spend the rest of the night with two of the well-endowed women he had found particularly inviting during the festivities. He was having the time of his life.
Thor's Marital Discord
"Sif," Hearthoff yelled quickly getting out of bed the next morning.
"Hello Thor," said a golden haired woman standing in the doorway, tapping her foot against the floor, and not looking very am
used at finding her husband lying between two women.
"I can explain," he said.
"Save it" she replied. "Whatever we once had between us is over. Half the time I don't even know if you're dead or alive. I'll have my lawyer talk to yours about the divorce papers and the settlement."
Hearthoff scratched his head for a while and looked about dazed. "Are you leaving me? At least let me explain, before you make a rash decision like that."
"No. I ignored all you're mistresses before, but now I've had enough! You treat me like a toy! Goodbye Thor!"
Hearthoff sighed and said 'women' under his breath at Sif's retreating back. Hearthoff debated something silently, nodded and ran after Sif. In the distance the Norsemen observed Hearthoff gesticulating wildly, and finally, Sif laughing and hugging him. Sif then walked away, leaving Hearthoff to go back and explain things to his two late night companions.
Some Boring but Necessary Exposition
Anne woke up the next day to find herself alone in the room. She got up and shivered a little as memory of past events caught up with her. She decided to go out and explore what the strange old man had called Utopia. She found herself in what could only be described as Athens in its golden age. A large temple dominated the city at the centre. It was built of marble, with dozens of golden statues lining the raised platform on which the shrine was placed. It could only be accessed