Reality Fix - Lucifer's Crown

by tantan

stumbling over the same table.

  The Serpent shook his head and laughed.

  Peter the Mighty, and Thomas the Great

  "Where is Hearthoff?" Thomas asked Peter over lunch. "He missed breakfast too. Strange isn't it?"

  "Haven't seen him all day now that you mention it," Peter said, waving his roasted chicken leg in the air.

  "Perhaps we should go look for him," Thomas said, looking concerned.

  "Naw. I'm sure he's alright and he wouldn't appreciate us meddling in his affairs."

  "I don't think it's a girl. The gatekeeper said he went in the direction of the portal this morning."

  "He can handle whatever the demons throw at him. He's Thor, the god of thunder, after all!"

  "The clouds have been moving since he's been gone. The skies are clear now; for the first time since we've met him."

  "He's probably gone far away. I wouldn't blame him. That Guan Yu drives me nuts."

  "Guan Yu's ok," Thomas smiled. "Just a little brash, like someone else I know."

  They finished eating dinner and decided to go out for a walk. As they passed by the gates the heard a shrill voice screaming, "lemme in you ****, lemme in, lemme in, lemme in."

  "Stay out demon and leave us be, or Peter the Mighty and Thomas the Great shall destroy you," the guards threatened.

  "I like the sound of that," Peter laughed. "Peter the Mighty. I'm thinking of staying here for good. If Mary stays as well of course."

  "I know that voice. Shh..." Thomas whispered. After hearing a few more expletives Thomas was sure, "It's our friend, the mocking bird. Come!"

  "No friend of mine," Peter growled.

  "Let him in," Thomas ordered the gatekeeper.

  "As you command, Sir," the gatekeeper said, looking unhappily at the heavy gate.

  The bird ran in and took off in the air, flapping over Thomas.

  "You're electrified friend has been earthed by Belial, the Prince of Hell," the bird croaked. "He told me to tell you to come through the portal and rescue Hearthoff, if you dare."

  Thomas looked at Peter. "It sounds like a trap. We must be careful."

  "Obviously. Let's go." A new thought fizzled through his mind, "That bird forgot to swear."

  "We don't know what might be lying in wait beyond the portal. They took Hearthoff after all."

  "Probably caught him off his guard. We'll be more careful. Come on."

  They told the gatekeeper to inform Guan Yu that they were heading for the portal to rescue Hearthoff from the demons, and ran to the palace to put on their armour.

  "Oh, and look after the bird," Thomas shouted to the gatekeeper from the distance, who stared at the black bird in trepidation.

  The End of the Ku Klutz Klan

  The Ku Klutz Klan scaled the walls to the castle, making as much noise as two overweight movers with squeaky shoes, carrying a broken piano down a flight of narrow steps, which played a B minor chord whenever they inched forward by a step,  because of a fat lady who was sitting on its keys while singing to a wine glass.

  "Ow, you're standing on my head," cried one of the KKK members.

  "Then move your head, you idiot," shouted the demon on top of him.

  "You move your filthy feet."

  "Shut up, both of you," yelled the leader, who was right on top. "We're supposed to be stealthy and quiet," he screamed at the top of his lungs. "Thanks to you two the whole castle is going to know we're here."

  "Well then, stop yelling your mask off," shouted the demon who had just got his head stamped on.

  They made their way up the castle walls laboriously and entered through a window.

  The whole barrack of soldiers was waiting for them. "You took your time. We could hear you all the way to the other side of the city."

  The guards pushed each member of the Ku Klutz Klan out the window and into the moat.

  A Ssssamurai Indeed

  Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle, the Midgard Serpent and a crack team of demons scaled the walls, as quietly as a rattle snake hunting. The Midgard Serpent sniffed the air. No guards. The Ku Klutz Klan had done its job well. The perfect distraction. The Serpent entered the castle with his team, and signalled them to get in position.

  In the throne room, the Emperor of Uso, surrounded by his bodyguards, looked warily at the Serpent and the rest of the demons.

  "You must be the Emperor," the Serpent hissed. "I am known as the Midgard Serpent. They tell me you know the art of the samurai. Come; let's put your skills to the test."

  The Emperor signalled his guards to attack. The bodyguards were torn to shreds by the demons in a split second. Blood sprayed the room, soaking the Emperor's face. The Emperor kneeled and said "I yield. Spare my life, I beg you."

  The Midgard Serpent looked at Beelzebub. "Samurai," he snorted. "Would you like to have him?"

  "I have servants enough," Beelzebub answered

  "Very well," the Serpent pointed at the Emperor. "Kill him."

  "Yes, my Lord." His soldiers rushed to do his bidding, leaving a bloody mess on the carpet.

  Thor! where had he gone? The Midgard Serpent looked out the window. His scent had disappeared a few moments ago. The Midgard Serpent sniffed and could detect the faint smell of brimstone.

  "All hail the Emperor of Uso," his demons shouted, banging their swords on their shields. One of them took the crown off the dead Emperor's head and placed it on the Serpent's.

  "The Emperor is dead, long live the Emperor," shouted a demonic lawyer, who got his head cut off for confusing the Serpent.

  The Serpent laughed. Well Hearthoff, you shall come to me. I shall make sure of it.

  "Summon Sayonara, I wish to speak with him," he said to Beelzebub.

  Beelzebub nodded and jumped out the window.

  True Embodiment of Evilness, Prince of Darkness, Ruler of Hell: Lucifer Light Bringer

  Eligos brought an unconscious and bound Hearthoff to the throne of the Demon King, who was reading a thick, elegantly bound book. "Your Supremely Demonic Majesty, True Embodiment of Evilness, Prince of Darkness, I bring to you Hearthoff, also known as the Monkey King, Thor and Zeus, with the compliments of Lord Belial, Prince of Hell."

  The Demon King took off his bifocals, and looked at Hearthoff's face keenly. "But a few of his names. Eligos, I do not think I shall throw you to the worms just yet. But tell me, how does Belial come to be involved in this? I was under the impression that I had given you charge over the matter."

  "I asked for his assistance, my King."

  "Begged, more like it, I'm sure."

  "It is as your Majesty says."

  "You shall not go unrewarded for this. It is only the wise who ask for help when they know a task is beyond them."

  "There is no task that is beyond you, Mighty Lucifer, you who are both wise and strong."

  "True. Now wake up Monkey, I wish to speak to him."

  Eligos kicked Hearthoff in the stomach until he stirred.

  "Not just yet, Sif," Hearthoff mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

  "Wake up you fool! You are in the presence of the Demon King, ruler of all Hell," Eligos thundered.

  Hearthoff opened his eyes and looked at Lucifer sitting on the throne.

  "Why, I do believe you're right," Hearthoff said jovially. "How's it going Lucy?"

  "Hearthoff," the Demon King smiled. "You insolence, as always, knows no bounds. Well, that shall soon be remedied."

  "You know me. I was never one for formalities." Hearthoff said, looking up and down at the Demon King. "Still don't have a crown I see."

  "Ah. Jumping right to business, are we? Yes. About the crown. Where is it?"

  "I don't know," Hearthoff replied. "I'm getting old, Lucy. Losing my memory. It will happen to you as well, I'm sure."

  "Don't play games with me Hearthoff. Beings like us do not age. Where is my crown?" the Demon King spat.

  "I really don't know. Would help you if I could Lucy, seeing as we go way back and all. But… I can't."

 
"Very well Hearthoff. You have forced me to take extreme measures. Take him to Television Room 4," the Demon King gestured to one of the guards. "Hearthoff, you will soon know what the word torture truly means."

  The Demon King laughed, and went back to reading the Bible.

  Two More for Television Room 4

  Thomas and Peter ran through the green countryside of Chinese Afterlife, as swiftly as the wind. Bushes were torn from their roots and trees swayed with the force of their passing. They headed towards the demon portal.

  "No demons so far," Peter said, stating the obvious, like Hearthoff frequently did.

  "Look! There on the tree," Thomas slowed down pointing at a tree. "Must be a scout."

  A grotesque yellow demon with wings, on seeing that he was spotted, immediately took off into the air. Peter flew and took down the demon with ease.

  "You shouldn't have killed it," Thomas rebuked Peter. "We could have interrogated it."

  "I'm sure there'll be many more," Peter scanned the horizon. "Anyway, we'll definitely find some guarding the portal."

  They reached the portal and looked around warily, hands ready to draw their swords at a moment's notice.

  "There's nobody here," Peter said forelornly.

  "Yes, very strange."

  "Maybe they didn't feel the need to guard the portal after they caught Hearthoff, since he's the only one who can close it."

  "Maybe…"

  "Should we go in?"

  "I think we should. But carefully."

  They entered the portal. Colours swirled around their head making them nauseous. Hot air hit their faces and their lungs felt like they were on fire. They had to keep their eyes closed because of the piercing sharpness of the hot wind. And they couldn't move.

  "What is this?" yelled Peter, opening his eyes to slits. "My legs are frozen. Oh!"

  Thomas opened his eyes and looked around. They were surrounded by demons.