“Yeah, she is.” Kevin changes from little man to big boy by leaning over and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, Mom.”
“There’s no need to thank me,” I protest.
“I’d disagree,” Jennings murmurs before shoving a large wedge of nachos into his mouth and letting out a small moan. “Christ, these are good.”
My head and my heart are currently in a fight with one another, so I decide to ignore them both by answering another organ that’s wading into the battle.
My stomach.
Taking my own bite, I’m not forced to answer him verbally. But sooner or later, Jennings is going to demand answers to the questions burning in the back of his eyes. Questions I’m just not ready to address for a second time in my life.
Jennings
I’m driving back to the B&B doing nothing but hearing her words replay over and over.
“Why, to make more money to put towards Kevin’s college…Jennings!”
“She wouldn’t have had to do that if I’d have been there,” I declare resolutely to no one but the cool air wafting through the car. But even as I say that, I wonder if anything will ever allow Kara to forget the man who forced those circumstances to become her reality.
The more time I spend around my son and his mother, the more I regret. Everything.
I always believed deep down I was unlovable because of the way my parents left, so I never gave my aunt and uncle a chance. Kara’s words from dinner the other night play over and over in my mind.
“It’s not you, Jennings. It’s me. And that’s not an excuse. Trust comes hard. And that’s hard for me as I get to know the man you are today. The man sitting across from me appears to be a good man.”
My life in Seattle is empty, save the business. I wonder if I did that deliberately so when it all abandoned me, I wouldn’t fall apart. Then I hear Kevin’s voice, his certainty.
“But you don’t mind if I say that, do you, Jennings? Mom said you talked about that.”
She’s right; I didn’t mind. It simply savaged me but not because my son had a role model like Dean Malone. Even if Kara had married and her husband had given him that, there’s no way I could resent Kevin having that influence. It devastates me it wasn’t me who gave him the tools to become a man. Someone else did. Why? “Can I accept the fact it wasn’t me?” I ask. My voice is filled with bitterness.
Pulling up, I park my car and just sit there while it idles. I choke out a sob as I spew aloud at Jed. “Are you laughing up there? Christ, I’m going insane. It’s killing me, Jed. You knew I’d fall in love with Kevin the minute I met him, and there’s no way I could hate you for keeping a promise to her. I don’t blame you; I never could. Kara doesn’t either in case you’re wondering. She freely admits that Kevin was likely going to ask soon. We all miss you so much.”
God, I’m reduced to talking to Jed while the pouring rain traps me in my car. I keep babbling. “I’m falling for Kara all over again. Did you plan on that too? I feel every wretched piece of me pulled to the surface when I’m with her. Is this what you wanted, you crazy fool? Yes, I get it. Her family was a piece of shit.” A crack of thunder rents the sky. I make a hiccupping, choked sound that tastes of the nachos I consumed earlier. “Okay. Other than your husband. She’s Kara, but she’s different. She’s warm and funny, but she’s still Owl buried beneath the fear. And how the hell can I resent her?” I’m breathing hard as I come to the state of forgiveness I needed to in my own heart. “I’m proud of her and so frustrated by her and wish I met Kevin sooner. And by the way, you dick? I want to kick your ass; how could you let her work for you?” I’m yelling in my car. If it wasn’t raining, people passing by would be getting a hell of a show, but I don’t care. I just got finished telling my son it was okay to let loose the emotions building up inside.
Now, it’s my turn.
“Jed, you’re the only one I can talk to. And I have no idea if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I just wish I could get some answers. Hell, I’m just an idiot talking to thin air anyway.” My head crashes down on the steering wheel as pain overwhelms me.
I don’t know how long I sit there before a text comes in. It’s Kara.
With the storm, I was worried about you driving. Can you let me know you got back to the B&B okay?
My lips part in shock. “Maybe I was wrong, buddy. Maybe you are watching us all muck it up down here. If you are, tell Dean thanks for everything he’s done for Kevin. He’s missed by some people who loved him an awful lot.”
Quickly, without thought, I grab my phone and send two texts to very different people. Without waiting for a response from either, I jump out into the storm and race inside to strip my now soaking clothes off. Then without much effort, I fall onto the bed and sleep.
The next morning, I find a response from Reg. It will take a bit of time for us to confirm the accounts. Once sent, we can’t retract an amount like that.
I quickly type back, That’s fine. I don’t want her paying taxes on the amount, Reg. Adjust the amount to compensate for anything she’ll owe the IRS.
Understood, Jennings. Is Kara aware you’re doing this?
I hesitate before I type the truth. We’ve discussed it. Because that isn’t a lie. We just haven’t come to an agreement on any decisions about Kevin’s financial support. But after last night, there will be no more working in shifts in a hot stuffy kitchen to cover any expenses for my son.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
Kara’s not once asked about my financial situation. She has no idea of the state of my personal accounts, nor of my business accounts. All she wanted was a male role model for her son. Well, sweetheart, I think grimly. You’ve got one. And this man is determined to teach his son that no matter who he falls in love with, you take care of that person until your back breaks and your fingers bleed.
And while Kara may have already begun those lessons, she’d better be ready to show our son the one of graciousness when a windfall lands in her accounts. My fingers fly. Just let me know when it’s done.
I see dots moving before, And you want it to be that high? If we were to go based on your income back in the early days, you would owe significantly less.
Furiously I type back, And she paid medical bills out of pocket, Reg. You know what I want her to have.
His Understood. I’ll get it done. does little to soothe my frayed nerves. Throwing my legs to the side of the bed and my phone on the nightstand, I run my hands through my hair. “She’s going to kill me,” I say aloud. Then I soberly add, “But she deserves everything. She’s given me so much more than this.”
Reaching for my phone, I scroll to find the one I sent to Kara before the one I sent to my lawyer before I got out of the car.
Come out for the day with me. It’s time for us to have an honest conversation without impressionable ears, don’t you think?
Her reply came through as I was arguing with Reg just a few minutes ago. If Maris can stay with Kevin. I really don’t want him alone after last night. With all the talk of Dean, I want to know he’s with family.
Her concern for Kevin’s well-being makes my heart twist in my chest. I had typed back, If Maris can’t, what about Brad and Rainey? Maybe he could hang with their family. I know Rainey’s been making some inroads with Kara and looking to set up time for all of them to get together.
I held my breath hoping she wouldn’t be stubborn, hoping last night shook something loose inside of her the way it did in me.
And that’s why my stomach muscles clenched when I got the text of Okay. I’ll talk to Maris when she wakes up, so I won’t have an answer for a few hours. If not, then yes if Brad or Rainey can do it. Otherwise it has to be another day.
Laying myself back on the bed, I close my eyes, still clutching the phone to my chest, cautiously hopeful. Because that’s all I can be.
Then my eyes jerk open. It’s only 6:00 a.m. here. Quickly I type, Is everything okay? Why are you awake?
I s
ee the dots move. Then stop. Then they move again before a new text comes in.
I waited up for Maris to tell her about Kevin’s breakthrough tonight, but she didn’t come home. That’s nothing to worry about — she’s at the apartment above the bar. Then I was thinking back about today, the laughter, the emotions.
Are they good ones? I type back quickly, concerned she’s not in a good spot with the way things are progressing with our son.
Most of them, yes. Some are necessary. I’m handling them is what comes back much more quickly.
I suspect she also sent a long letter to her brother. I wonder if that habit will end as time passes and her heart heals. I hesitate before making the offer, but damnit, I want her to start getting comfortable with the fact I’m here for her now too. Do you want to talk about it? I’m here for you too, Kara.
I wonder if I’ve overshot my moment when the dots move. With a swoosh, I receive, Not now, but soon. You need to know anyway for Kevin.
And I’m left intrigued and confused. I tell her as much.
What I get back is a bunch of emojis that make absolutely no sense. Is that supposed to make it clearer? I ask.
No, I was just showing you what I was feeling.
Suddenly, I feel like I’m studying a preflight checklist before takeoff. I evaluate each and every emoji in detail, trying to discern what to say next when a new text comes in. Get some rest Jennings. We’ll talk more later.
I want to tell her to wait, but the clock on my phone tells me it’s almost six thirty in the morning. With a groan, I reach over and plug my phone back in.
I’ll memorize Kara’s self-study guide before I hopefully see her later. I’ll show her I’m a superior student when it comes to handling the emotions of the Malone family.
Kara
My fists are clenched tightly in my lap as Jennings lines up his Cessna for us to take off. “This is your idea of a good place to have a conversation?” I demand belligerently.
Jennings laughs through the headset. “What better place, Kara? Up in the air, we have plenty of time to just talk without interruption.” Jennings speaks to the tower. I hear through my headset, “Cleared to take off, runway 1, Juliette Sierra Foxtrot 206.” Slowly, the plane begins easing forward.
I have to admit, I’m impressed. “It’s like you’re speaking another language when you do that.”
He laughs. “It reminds me of when you used to talk about the different kinds of soil topography here in Alaska. I was, and am, slightly in awe over how smart you are. Hold on, babe.”
Immediately, my hands shoot to the armrests on either side. Jennings chuckles in amusement. “I didn’t get the full effect of this yesterday when I took you both up. Why didn’t you tell me you’re afraid to fly?”
“I’m not afraid, per se.” And as we lift off the ground, I open up. After writing to Dean last night, I talked with Maris this morning. “I’ve never been good at this,” I admitted to my friend over coffee.
“What, being happy?” she countered.
Staring into the depths of my cup, I whisper, “Relationships. People. Feelings.”
Then Maris blew my mind when she retorted, “You have a chance some of us don’t have. Just see where this leads?”
Jennings picked me up later after I told Kevin I was spending the day with his father. “We have a lot of things to talk about” is all I said.
He shrugged before saying, “I think I got the better end of the deal. Maris says she’s taking me to…where?”
Maris smoothly interrupted. “I’m going to take him on the ferry and spend the night in Ketchikan. We’re going to see the Lumberjack Show.”
I groaned. “Jennings is going to murder you,” I warned her.
An impish smile crossed her face. “He’ll think it’s worth it.”
Brought back to the present, I answer him. “It’s just since we got the news about Dean and Jed, I’m terrified about something happening to me. Then, what happens to Kevin?”
Silence stretches between us. I joke, “That must seem silly to a pilot who’s in the air every day…”
“Hush for just a minute,” he interrupts me.
I’m about to take umbrage until Jennings speaks in a strained voice. “I keep wanting to bring you up here so maybe you’ll get to see a side of me you haven’t really met. But instead, you keep getting under my skin, reminding me of all the things I already know about you I can’t get out of my head.”
I reach over and place my hand on Jennings’s bicep, which bunches beneath. “Then show me you,” I say simply.
“Are you sure? We can turn back if you’d be more comfortable.” His declaration immediately endears him to me more.
“Show me the air,” I tease him lightly. But I don’t miss the way his head whirls in my direction, a small smile playing about his lips. “But before you do, would you mind reminding me of how proficient you are at flying this thing, Ace? Despite my questions, I was too freaked-out yesterday to pay much attention,” I confess.
Jennings’s smile fades. “This means we’re going to talk about the past.”
I lift my hand from his arm and wave it to indicate the beautiful skies around us. “I can’t go anywhere.”
He lets out a sigh, faces forward to check the gauges, and then turns his head back to me. “I moved to Seattle when I left Juneau. It wasn’t long after…”
“We broke up?” I conclude, turning to face the almost blinding sky. Reaching up, I slide my sunglasses up, telling myself they’re to protect my eyes.
“Yes.” Jennings clears his throat. “Every summer I was flying here. Every minute I wasn’t on stage or in Juneau, I was working with a small charter to get in enough hours to graduate to larger planes.”
“You must be thrilled. All your dreams came true, Ace,” I tease gently.
“That’s the funny thing about dreams. One minute you think you’ve attained them all, and then you wake up realizing there are more of them to be had.” I open my mouth to speak, but he beats me to it. “It seemed like some days I was working round the clock, but logging flight time is ridiculous.” He rattles off the flight hours needed for small-plane certifications.
“What about large jets? Like commercial pilots?” I yelp, suddenly terrified that someone like the boy Jennings was is going to be flying me and Kevin back to Florida at the end of the summer.
Jennings laughs. “The FAA has some serious requirements for commercial pilots, Kara. Relax.”
I do, infinitesimally. I ask the question with the curiosity I was born with. “Why were you working so hard? You were young, Jennings; you had so much life ahead of you.”
His response is swift. “If I wasn’t going to allow my heart the chance to have what it craved, because I feared what might happen if I did, then I needed to give everything to what my soul needed to breathe.”
“The air,” I say firmly, expecting him to agree and us to continue to talk about flying.
His next words both soothe and scare me. “You didn’t ask what I wouldn’t allow myself, Kara.” His tone is almost offhanded as he turns us again. The more banks and turns we take, the more he’s keeping me off-balance. Much like this conversation is.
“What’s that?”
“You.”
“Please,” I scoff. “Jennings, we were so young.”
Jennings’s face twists with an emotion I can’t name. I go on in disbelief. “You said things were over because you didn’t want a girlfriend on the other side of the country. Am I wrong?” I accuse.
“No. I spent a lot of time thinking about you as I studied the letters you sent to me.”
“You read them?”
“Yes.”
I don’t know whether to be terrified or thrilled. Those letters were some of my most innermost fears as a young parent. “I’m sorry. There are so many things I should have said and things I probably shouldn’t have.”
Jennings hums through the headset. “I know you are—sorry, that is. Because despite the
confident woman in front of me, there was a scared girl who made the best decisions she could. And despite all of that, she still tried.” Jennings pushes the small plane faster.
I don’t say anything, but there’s no way he can’t hear my accelerated breathing through the microphone.
“Kara, look out the window,” Jennings urges me.
I do, and I gasp.
“I listened to you, Owl. All the nights I got to hold you. This was your dream.” Jennings lowers us slightly so when we pass over the majestic beauty of the Mendenhall glacier, I can practically make out the crevices in her.
“All these years. She’s still so strong, so beautiful.”
“And she perfectly represents how I felt about you then and how I’m beginning to feel about you now.” My head whips away from the window. My lips part in shock. “I can’t go back in time and say what was between us would have made it. I was a terrified boy who didn’t know much beyond escaping the past and finding his future. I cared for you, and we made something beautiful out of that. I think forgiveness—on both sides—is key for us to give what’s still between us a chance.” Jennings yanks off his glasses so I know my answer isn’t just important to him; it means everything.
Shakily, words I didn’t know I’d had buried deep inside come out. “I can live on my own. I can survive. But if I could go back and give myself one gift, it would be you answering one of my emails. Just one. Just so we had a chance.” I take a deep breath, and my voice trembles. “Jennings, there was nothing to forgive you for. I just hope one day you can forgive me.”
Heat and hope descend on his features. Then a rueful acknowledgement of our location. “Fuck, now I’m the one who wishes we weren’t in this damn plane. I want to kiss you to show you I already have, but I won’t take that chance.”
Turning my face away from Jennings, I stare down at the glacier that always felt like it was tied to my soul. Then I murmur, “Even without our lips touching, I kinda think you just did.”
Return by Air (Glacier Adventure Series Book 1) Page 18