Anyone mind if I join the fun, he says and just like that, the atmosphere changes. I remember that, how the atmosphere could change the minute he walked in. I’ve never met another person like it. As if he was made of ice and cooled everything down, made it seem like winter, it’s difficult to explain.
Oh lovely, says Jackie, clapping her hands, the more the merrier, don’t you think.
My hand is itching to draw a screwdriver. A menacing one this time, a big old dangerous old screwdriver, a screwdriver that could get him right in the eye.
I don’t think I make any noise but perhaps I’m wrong because I look up and everyone is looking at me. Trevor and Penny look concerned and Jackie looks very worried. Stop it, I think to myself, don’t make a fuss, you’re safe here, he can’t get you. I manage a shrug. The other thing I’m thinking is, keep your enemies close. Isn’t it better to be aware of what’s going on at all times? To know where he is?
The only one who doesn’t seem to notice the atmosphere is Bill. I know your true name, I think, and then I laugh because who’s to say which of his names are real? Could be he was Bill all along.
Trevor explains to him what we’re doing. I can tell from the glaze in his eye that Bill doesn’t really understand it but he watches as we all choose pieces in turn. Jackie goes for something sparkly and Penny chooses a dried flower and then looks all coy and won’t say why. Trevor has a feather, of course, and he holds it to his lips for a moment before he sticks it on. I’ve got quite good at lip reading now that I can’t talk, I think it’s because I concentrate more, and I see him say, my darling, to the feather.
It would be a perfect afternoon if he wasn’t here, the man of many names, the man I’ve met so many times before. It’s his turn next and I have another spiteful thought about screwdrivers but then he chooses and it makes me gasp. It’s a piece of material shaped a little like a heart, and I’m immediately back in the art class at teacher training college.
Cut out a shape and pass it to the person next to you, the lecturer said. I don’t remember the point of the exercise but I remember this, Alain cut out a red heart and passed it to me. We hadn’t met or spoken at that point although I’d noticed him of course, all the women had. I was so surprised I actually looked over my shoulder, I couldn’t believe the heart was for me. We went to bed for the first time that night, and Jenny was conceived three months later.
I look over at Bill and he’s smiling, grinning really. For Jackie, he says as he puts the heart in the middle of the collage. But it’s me he’s looking at, I’m sure it is.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
May 1978
Pimlico
May left on the last day of her name month. The days were getting longer and even in the middle of London birds could be heard announcing the season. Weed flowers sprouted between paving stones and Jenny didn’t need so much dressing and wrapping. Life became softer, more manageable. A good time to go, May thought.
May had been struggling with her decision for days. She should have gone as soon as she bought the ticket, she knew that. She knew that a brave, sensible woman would not have been able to stand another minute but it didn’t help to know that. It just made her hate herself more, feel more ashamed of her inability to act.
You’re pathetic, she told herself, fancy putting your own daughter at risk.
‘I just need time,’ May wrote to Helen in one of the letters she didn’t send. ‘I need to come to terms with the enormity of what I’m doing.’ She knew this wasn’t completely true.
‘Let’s face it,’ May said to baby Jenny, ‘I’ve been hoping that things would change. Giving your daddy another chance, really, only he doesn’t know that.’
If anything, Alain’s behaviour had got worse. He had written a list of what he called ‘May’s Stupidity’, and stuck it on the wall over the sink.
‘It’s for your own good, May,’ he said. ‘You must see that. If you want to live a normal life, and if you want Jenny to live a normal life, we’ve got to address some of these things.’
May hated the list, but she was too scared to take it down. The first item he had written was, ‘reading crap family sagas like a stupid old woman’.
May had argued at first, said that it was light reading for when she was up in the night feeding Jenny, and that it did no harm, but Alain had been so scathing that even without being hit or hurt at all she had thrown several books away, including one she hadn’t finished reading.
‘It’s OK to read what you like, baby,’ May whispered to Jenny when Alain was out. ‘Comics, Famous Five, the lot.’
There were four other items on the list. Not frying the onions before cooking them, that was one, obsessing over the baby, making a ghastly chewing noise when eating apples, and not understanding that moth infestations are serious.
May had her small bag packed and waiting under her bed. She loved to think of it sitting there when she lay down each night, holding her clothes like a helpful friend. She had put a layer of Jenny’s old baby clothes on the top so that if Alain ever did find it, he would assume that was all it contained. The open ticket had been much more troublesome to hide. It was small, but so was the flat and places to hide things were in incredibly short supply. May had finally decided on a bag of sanitary towels, and she had cut a slit in one of them and poked the ticket in.
May might have gone on waiting for ever if things had not come to a head. Alain was feeling better and stronger, and he’d been out for most of the day. He had told May that he was visiting his school, but she doubted it. He would be going back to work soon, and it didn’t make sense to go in before that. To be honest, she didn’t much care where he had gone. Worries about Sue seemed like something from another life. Her world had shrunk to this flat and this baby plus the new one she was growing inside. She felt sick and scared all the time, and her mind was a whirl of pros and cons until she felt torn in half. As soon as May decided to leave she would remember how sweet Alain could be sometimes, how much he loved Jenny. As soon as May decided to stay she could only remember the cruelty and the terror. It was impossible.
If only Helen would get in touch things might be easier. There had been no letter, no phone call, nothing. May couldn’t believe that Helen was still angry with her but each day without contact made May less sure, more scared. She decided that if she wanted to leave Alain she would have to go up to Hull and explain that she really had left him this time, throw herself on Helen’s mercy and make a new life. It was a terrifying thought.
May was chopping onions when Alain came in.
‘My darling,’ he called as soon as he was inside the flat, ‘darling May, merry May, I’ve been thinking about you.’
He swept into the kitchen, smiling. May felt confused. He had stormed out this morning after trumping up an argument about the milk, which he said had gone bad. She hadn’t been expecting this at all. Her stomach felt as though the baby had grown to full term overnight and was doing a somersault.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ Alain said, ‘what we need is a holiday, a few days away somewhere pretty. Cornwall or Devon, somewhere like that. Sea, sand, tinkling masts, the whole thing. I know, I know, you’re going to say we don’t have enough money and it’s true, but I’ve got a plan, there’s someone at work I loaned money to and he’s going to pay it back.’
Keep cool, May thought to herself, don’t get pulled in, imagine a holiday if things went wrong, imagine being somewhere lovely by the sea with Alain when all the other families were having a happy time, imagine being the only one who was scared, and bullied, and hurt.
‘We don’t need this stupid thing for a start,’ Alain said, tearing down the list of May’s stupidity on the wall over the sink. ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did that. It was cruel, wasn’t it?’
May wasn’t sure what to say. Yes, it was cruel, she wanted to say, anyone in the entire world would agree it was cruel. It could be a trick though, Alain getting her to let her guard down so that he could get even more ang
ry. This sort of thing had happened before. May shrugged her shoulders and just like that, it was over, any idea she might have had that things could change. I’ll always be like this, she thought, this is my future, hunched over the sink pretending things don’t matter when they do, frightened of what’s going to happen next, flinching at loud noises.
May put her knife down.
‘I’m tired,’ she said. ‘I’m tired and I’m sick. I don’t want to chop onions and I don’t want to have anything to do with dinner. I’m going to put Jenny to bed and then I’m going myself, sorry.’
Something in the way she said it made Alain stop and look at her. He’s really looking, May thought. She had a sudden moment of terror that he would be able to see into her head, see the ticket and the plan and the happy life she had hidden there. Just in case, May forced all thoughts of tomorrow out of her head and concentrated instead on thinking about the material she had bought to make a little dress for Jenny. It was dark green brushed cotton with a pink flower, very unusual for a baby dress, and May loved it. She was making the dress by hand, and she imagined showing Helen and sewing together in the evenings when the babies were asleep.
‘A life where we can live in peace,’ May whispered to Jenny while she was changing her nappy. ‘A life of pink, fluffy stuff where no one shouts.’
Jenny gurgled as if she understood.
‘I’m sorry,’ Alain said as he slid into bed next to her, ‘I really am. There’s some dinner left if you want to warm it up. You should eat, you know.’
May kept very still and willed her breathing to slow down. She was ready to leave, she wanted to go, and having a heart-to-heart chat, or worse, sex, would not help in any way.
‘I know you’re not asleep,’ Alain said, ‘and I don’t blame you for ignoring me, I’d ignore me too if I was you. I know you’ve got no reason to believe me either when I say I really want a fresh start, but I do, I do, and I’ll show you how much, I promise I will.’
May was totally confused. She had been ready to go, she knew she should leave, but it was strange not to have heard from Helen, and maybe, just maybe Alain did really mean it this time. People could change, she believed that. Even murderers who had committed terrible crimes were worthy of redemption sometimes.
It might have worked, she thought later, she might have stayed if Jenny hadn’t woken up. But Jenny was a creature of habit, and she started to cry at about two a.m., her usual time for a top-up. May leaned over and picked her up out of her cot and into bed.
‘Here we are, my little poppet,’ May said as she pushed a nipple towards Jenny’s mouth. I’m such an expert, May thought, I could do this in my sleep now. She was sore from the pregnancy hormones, but proud to have persevered with breastfeeding. Jenny made little grunting noises as she suckled.
‘Shut that baby up,’ said Alain, his voice full of sleep and venom. ‘It sounds like a pig.’
May was shocked. Alain had never said anything like that before out of nowhere. Usually he was remote but sweet to Jenny unless they were in the middle of an argument.
‘Al, she’s just snuffling,’ May said. ‘Her little nose gets all squashed when she’s feeding, she can’t help it.’
Al leapt out of bed and came round to May’s side.
‘Oh can’t she,’ he said and his voice sounded like a snarl. May shrank back against the propped pillows, pulling Jenny close to her. She tried to think straight, but all she could think of was the fact that she was only wearing a nightdress, and how vulnerable that made her feel.
‘Well I’ll fucking leave then, if I’m asking so much of everyone.’
Yes, May thought, go, please go, please.
Alain threw his jacket on and stormed out of the front door. Jenny let go of May’s breast in surprise at the sound and began to wail. May realised she had been holding her breath.
‘It’s OK, little one,’ said May, rocking her, ‘we’re really going to see Auntie Helen, it’s going to happen.’
The silence Alain left behind screamed at May like a warning bell.
The train seemed bigger and noisier than May remembered. She felt uneasy, and looked over her shoulder every few seconds to make sure that they weren’t being followed. Alain hadn’t come back before they left and May felt lucky that, for once, he had played right into her hands and things were going smoothly.
The train ride started well. No one leapt on at the last minute to stop the train, and Jenny slept. May was able to watch the flat green countryside slip away from the windows. Fields, trees, canals, everything looked so fresh and hopeful.
‘Going away, are you?’ said the woman opposite May.
May had been constructing a letter in her head, a letter to Alain that would explain everything, make him understand who she was and why she had to go.
‘I’m sorry?’ she said and the woman opposite repeated herself. She was clearly desperate for a conversation.
‘Only it seems a bit funny, you travelling such a long way on your own with a little one,’ the woman opposite said. She had the flat accent with twisted vowel sounds that showed she was heading home to Hull.
‘Does it?’ said May. ‘Really?’
The woman opposite was about the age May’s mother would have been. She wore a shapeless dress the colour of mud with a dark green cardigan thrown over the top.
‘My hubby would have paddled my backside if I had gone missing on my own with a baby,’ she said.
‘Gone missing?’ May said. ‘What on earth are you talking about?’
She hadn’t meant to reply but the woman’s words were so surprising she couldn’t help it.
‘Oh, you’re being met at the other end, are you?’ the woman said.
There was a glint in the woman’s eye that indicated that she didn’t believe May. May was furious.
‘Yes, actually,’ May said, ‘yes I am being met.’
‘I’ll help you off the train, if you’d like, it’s a lot on your own, the pushchair and everything.’
What is this, May thought, some kind of secret agent working for Alain? Calm down, calm down, she told herself, she’s just a nosy old woman and there’s nothing spooky in it at all. She would have been the same with anyone, it’s a coincidence.
‘My name’s Pet,’ the woman said, ‘only I’m not a dog or cat or even a tortoise.’
The woman sat back in her seat, clearly hugely pleased with her joke. I wonder how many times she’s said that, May thought.
‘If you want to go to the toilet,’ Pet said, ‘I’ll hold that baby, any time. Oh yes. I’ve raised three of ’em, big brutes they are now. I’ve just been to see one of ’em in London. No, there’s not much you can tell me about littluns, I reckon I know it all, the lot.’
May contemplated moving to another carriage but the train was busy and she couldn’t face dragging the loaded pushchair along the corridor, or worse, having to come back and sit down in the seat she had just left if there were no empty ones. She got out her writing pad instead, and wrote to Helen. It was a crazy thing to do when she would be seeing Helen so soon but May had two reasons. Firstly she needed to clear her thoughts and May had always done that best by writing things down. Once she set things down on paper she could look at them in a different way. The other reason was that the Pet woman who had taken such a shine to her was beginning to seem creepy, really creepy.
‘Can I give the little one some chocolate?’ Pet said as May set up her pad in a position to her right, between herself and the window so that it couldn’t be overlooked.
‘No,’ May said, more loudly than she had intended. The other occupants of the carriage, two men in suits, looked away.
‘I mean,’ May said, ‘I haven’t given her sugar, not yet, I think it’s bad for her teeth.’
Pet burst out laughing. ‘Now I’ve heard it all,’ she said. ‘She hasn’t even got any teeth. Poor little mite.’
‘Dear Helen,’ wrote May, ‘I’m on my way to see you so this is a ridiculous letter and I’ll pro
bably throw it away when I get to Hull. There’s a mad woman sitting next to me who wants to feed Jenny chocolate. I don’t know why but she made me think of you and how angry you would be if someone tried to do that to Seb – I swear I sounded like you when I told her no! You’ve taught me to stick up for myself, and I’m so grateful for that. I still can’t believe I’ve left him but I have, and it feels so good, this is the beginning of a whole new life. I won’t stay with you for long, I don’t want to cramp you, it’s just until I get on my feet. I’ll get a flat round the corner and a teaching job nearby and oh gosh, that sounds like I’m going to crowd you but I’m not, honest I’m not, it will be such fun with the babies growing up together. Almost like on a kibbutz.
I’m worried, Helen, about why I haven’t heard from you for so long. I hope you’re not too fed up with me for not leaving Alain sooner, I wasn’t quite ready and I know I waited too long, I know it now but I was scared. I still am really, I’m scared of Alain and I’m scared of the unknown. I’m even scared of the mad woman in my carriage! So I hope that you’re OK, and I haven’t really got a backup plan if you don’t want to see me. I’m confident, honestly, that we will be OK.’
May folded the letter up and pushed it to the bottom of her bag as the train approached Hull. She managed to dodge the offers of help from Pet and instead pushed the buggy down the long platform and into the cavernous station. It was strange, May had only been away in London for four months and yet it felt much longer. Everything seemed odd, out of place, full of echoes, as if she was recovering from a serious illness. May filed it all away to share with Helen.
There was a row of cream-coloured phone boxes against the far wall of the station and May wished that she could ring her mother. The urge was so strong that May even rehearsed the number in her head, her mum’s old number. She would have known what to do, she would have anchored May and Jenny. May missed her more in that moment than she had done since she died.
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