He watched her walk a few feet towards their house and then she disappeared from view. He shifted on the sofa, trying to get a better look, but the angle wasn’t right. His heart was racing at an incredible speed. He stood up and rushed back to the dining room. The window there overlooked the entire front yard and seeing her in full view confirmed that it was Jasmin. She was wearing a thick jacket and a woolen hat covered half of her face, but he knew that small frame all too well.
He watched as she walked up the stairs onto the porch and Kevin hoped that she wouldn’t ring the doorbell. If his family saw her, there would be more questions than he was willing to answer.
“Fuck!” he whispered, waiting to see what she did next.
What the hell was she doing there anyway? She’d driven four hours from Yellowstone. All by herself. In the fucking snow. What was she thinking?
“What’s wrong, Bink?” Jordan asked.
“Nothing,” he replied irritably. “She’s just bat-shit fucking crazy.”
He kept his eyes on Jasmin. She placed a package in front of the door and without knocking or ringing the bell, she turned and walked back down the stairs. Kevin was even more confused now. She’d found out where he lived and drove four hours on Christmas day to deliver a package to him, the same guy who’d treated her like shit? And then she simply walked away. She was insane. Why would she do that? Why wouldn’t she just forget about him and carry on with her life?
He stormed out of the dining room and pulled on a jacket as he went straight out the front door. “I told you to stay away from me!” he shouted.
She was already halfway down the driveway and didn’t stop walking even when his voice sliced through the winter air. He looked down to his right and saw the package she’d come all this way to deliver. A black box with pink flowers painted on one corner, but one of them was smudged…like it had been yanked out of her hand while painting. On top of the box was a Post-it note that read:
To Kevin
These are all the things we weren’t allowed to talk about.
He sneered, almost afraid to find out what was inside the box. His throat clogged up and he felt a wave of anger and anxiousness run through him. He barreled down the stairs, taking them two at a time to catch up with her.
“Jasmin,” he called out.
Instead of stopping, she quickened her pace. She was trying to avoid the confrontation and get as far away from him as possible.
“Jasmin!”
“I didn’t come here to fight, Kevin,” she said, still powerwalking through the snow to get back to her car. “I promise you’ll never see me again.”
Hearing those words made his heart sink into his stomach, but he ignored it. “What are you doing here?”
She didn’t even glance behind her when she answered. “I just came to drop off the box and get my closure.”
“So you drove all this way…by yourself to get closure? You have a boyfriend. I think whatever happened between us is pretty closed, so why are you here?”
She stopped in the middle of the street and turned around. Seeing her face to face again reminded him of everything he’d lost. He was torn at that moment, not knowing whether he should fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness, or tell her that she should just go back to Dalton. Either way, it didn’t matter. She took the choice out of his hands.
Very slowly, a smile curved on her lips. “How do you know I have a boyfriend? You checking up on me?” He didn’t answer and her smile widened. “I might be reading too much into this, but you sound…a little jealous. Are you jealous, Kevin?” Again she paused, waiting for a response that didn’t come. “No, I am reading too much into it. Seeing me with Dalton probably doesn’t affect you at all. And I’m sure you don’t care about how much time we spend together…or us making out…cuddling naked under the sheets. You know, all that boyfriend-girlfriend stuff.”
She used a mocking tone and he felt his blood boiling under his skin. His breathing elevated, his fingers balled into tight fists as he battled to keep his temper under control.
“He’s an amazing guy and we just can’t seem to keep our hands off each other. He likes my ass too, by the way.”
“Stop it!” he hissed through gritted teeth.
“What’s the matter?” It wasn’t just the sarcasm that irked him now; it was the amusement in her voice. She was purposely trying to rile him up and it was working. “Does the thought of me being with Dalton bother you? It shouldn’t. I thought you didn’t give a fuck about me. Weren’t you just using me for sex because it was convenient, because no one else was around?”
“What exactly are you trying to prove?”
“That you’re a liar…and I figured you out.” She took a step towards him and, quite unexpectedly, gently traced her forefinger over his mouth. “These lips communicate with me in two ways. Cold words and hot kisses. After what you said to me in Florida, I drove myself crazy trying to figure out which one was real, which one should I believe. And then it struck me: they’re both telling me the same thing. It’s not that you don’t care about me. You care too much. You’re just too scared to show it.”
He took a small step back, clasping his hands behind his head. Disrespectful Jasmin didn’t give him the space he indirectly asked for. Instead, she stepped closer, her hand moving to his cheek and lightly caressing his jaw. “You fell first…and then you dragged me down with you only to toss me aside because you’re so afraid that we could be something more. You hurt me to protect yourself. There’s only one ugly thing you said that day that was true…You are a coward…and you’re right. That’s not the type of man I need.” She dropped her hand from his face and broke eye contact, choosing to stare at the ground instead of him. “I’m sorry I ruined your Christmas. I just needed to find a way to let go of all this. This is where the road ends for us…and I’ll…” She looked up at him again, mist leaving her mouth as she exhaled a shaky breath. “I’ll get over you eventually…as soon as I can convince myself that what I feel for you is just a chemical reaction in the brain.” Even though tears brimmed in her eyes, she still smiled through it. “Goodbye, Kevin…And after everything you’ve been through, I hope that one day you find happiness, the kind of happiness you want to hold onto forever.”
It was clear that she wanted to have the last word because she didn’t even give him a chance to respond. She walked back to the car and got in.
“Jasmin, wait.” His throat was so tight, he didn’t know if she heard his strained voice over the wind.
He was still absorbing the shock of what she’d said when she started the engine and she drove away before he could get to her car.
“Jasmin!”
Calling out after her proved to be pointless as he watched the car disappear around the corner. He should leave it there and let her move on with her life. She was better off without him. She deserved more. He told himself all of this and yet he was still racing back up the stairs. He rushed inside and went straight to the kitchen to get the keys to his father’s Land Rover. He didn’t care that there were a million reasons why he should let her go. There was only one reason why he was going to chase after her. He didn’t have the strength to watch her leave a second time.
As he walked back to the front door, he noticed that Jordan and Max were still in the dining room…at the window. That made it clear that they’d been spying on him outside. Jordan handed Max a twenty dollar bill and that confirmed that they’d taken a bet on the outcome of his argument with Jasmin. Morons!
His siblings were smart and successful adults, and it was mind-jarring that they could be so immature at times. But at least they were distracted and didn’t see him sneak out again.
He pressed the button on the remote to open the garage door and got into the car. Going after her seemed like a good idea, but as soon as he got behind the wheel, panic started setting in. He hadn’t driven since that night and the memories came flooding back. All his senses went into overdrive. He heard the screeching tires and
metal crunching as the car spun out of control. The stench of burnt rubber and blood filled his nostrils. His fingers gripped the edge of the roof and it was only then that he realized he’d gotten out of the car.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to steady himself. Once…Twice… “You can do this. Just go get her.” He got back into the car and with trembling hands, he turned on the ignition. “You can do this.”
She came all this way. The least he could do was take his head out of his ass and apologize. That was all he’d wanted to do for two weeks. That was what he’d wanted to do before she drove off. And he wasn’t going to let her leave until he had his say. He ignored his racing heart and sweaty palms as he slowly backed out of the driveway. He went in the same direction as she had and it didn’t take long to catch up to her. She was driving at less than twenty miles per hour. It was a quiet street heading out of the suburbs towards the main road with nothing but wilderness on either side. He sped up, cut in front of her and stopped the car, forcing her to do the same.
He hopped out first, slammed the door shut, and waited…and waited. She was bracing herself to face him again and he didn’t rush her. There was a drawn out silence when she finally got out and he decided to speak first.
“Why did you cut your hair?”
She hadn’t been expecting that question because confusion muddled her expression. “It…it was too long and…it’s so hard to maintain at that length.”
“Why did you cut your hair?”
“It was becoming so annoying to have it hanging in my face all the time.”
“Jasmin, why did you cut your hair?”
“And every time I brushed it back…I thought of you…And I really need to stop thinking about you, Kevin.”
It was confirmation of yet another beautiful thing he’d destroyed. “I’m sorry.” He walked from his car to hers, closing the gap between them. “Fuck, Jasmin…with everything in me, I’m sorry. And it’s too late and it’s not enough, but…I’m sorry…for everything. What I did, what I said…I don’t expect you to accept my apology…and you won’t understand why I did it—”
“Why did you do it?”
He shrugged, trying to find a way to explain it. “Come here.” He took her hand and led her to the side of the road. After picking up a stick, he knelt down in front of her. “This is me.” He drew a large circle in the snow and a smaller circle inside it. “Everyone I care about is in this circle, the bigger one. And the only person who managed to weasel his way into the smaller one was Perry…because he was the only one who ever really understood me. After he died, it’s like there’s nothing there. I was with him every day for fifteen years and now that he’s gone, there’s just this big, gaping hole. This whole space feels so empty…Now, this is you.” He drew a stick figure with one leg in the smaller circle and the other leg in the bigger one. “You came along and hit me like a freight train. And you have no idea what it’s like for me. I wanna be with you every second of the day and yet I can’t stand the sight of you. You represent everything I shouldn’t have, every feeling I shouldn’t feel…because that’s exactly what I took away from my best friend. The guilt eats at me every time I’m around you, but all I want to do is…be around you. It fucking kills me.” He paused, inhaling a deep, steadying breath. “That day in Florida…I had two choices. One part of me wanted to let you in. I wanted you to fill the emptiness, take away the pain…and maybe even the guilt…but the other part of me wanted to keep you out…so that I never have to feel this way again. But you see, both choices were selfish, so I chose neither. I chose to let you go. I didn’t do it to protect myself. I wanted you to leave and not look back. What I said was fucked up, but I knew you’d get over it. It would take a couple days, but eventually you’d realize I wasn’t worth your time and you’d forget about me.”
She sighed irritably and shook her head. “Well, it’s been a couple days and look at where I am.”
“Yeah. What I didn’t filter into the equation is the fact that you’re bat-shit crazy.”
She smiled, kneeling down in the snow beside him. “I forgive you.”
“You can’t just forgive me.”
“Did you mean any of things you said to me that day?”
“No.”
“Then they were just words.” She shrugged as if he hadn’t ripped out her heart. “I forgive you.”
This was the type of craziness he would never understand. It was infuriating. “Fuck, Jazz! For once, can you just react like a normal person? Shout…or get mad, tell me you hate me, tell me to go to hell, call me an asshole. Fuck…anything!”
“You want me to hurt you?”
It only clicked when she asked the question, but that was exactly what he wanted. After the way he treated her, it was what he deserved. “Yes.”
“And what would the point of that be, Kevin? Look at how much you hurt yourself.” A long silence stretched on between them before she leaned forward and took the stick from his hand. “You know what else you didn’t filter into the equation? I have a massive rapper dick and it causes me to lean to one side.” She drew a long, thick penis in between the legs of the stick figure and she made it so big, it filled the smaller circle. “Whether you like it or not, I’m already in here, so the question is…what do you want to do about it?”
He sank back to sit on the ground. “I-I don’t know. I wasn’t lying when I said I’m not ready for a relationship. You’ve got everything going for you and I don’t want to hold you back.” He paused, feeling utterly conflicted. “I…I want to be your one in one hundred, but I can’t expect anything from you when all I have to offer is broken pieces of myself. My life is a mess and it’s going to take time for me to get my head right…I don’t know if I can give you what you need.”
“Pffft! I honestly don’t know how you came to that conclusion.” She crawled towards him and straddled his hips to sit on his lap. She cupped his face with her gloved hands and tilted his head up so he would look at her. “You have an odd way of encouraging me. I was so insecure before I met you and you told me to embrace every part of me, even if it’s weird. You accepted me just the way I am. That’s what I needed. You rented a family for me so I would know what it was like. If I didn’t know, I would probably still be yearning for it, but now I can see that I have all of that in my dad. That’s what I needed. When you held my hand the whole time I was in that boardroom with my mother and you sat outside the bathroom door until I was ready to talk. That’s what I needed. And then you stayed with me for a whole week afterwards. You gave me what I needed and you did that even while you were hanging a foot above rock bottom. I don’t need you to be more than what you are, Kevin. Now, I’m not saying that you’re not an asshole. You are. And I’m not saying that everything’s okay. It’s not. I’m not ready for a relationship either. You’ve hurt me a few times and I don’t trust you with my heart anymore. What I’m saying is that I leave for Chicago tomorrow, and I wanna know where do we go from here?”
He took a few seconds to think about that. They weren’t ready now, but it wouldn’t stay like that forever. If they were both willing, they would find a way to make it work. “Forward,” he answered. “Every day let’s try to take one step forward. I don’t know what the future holds. And I’m gonna try like hell, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to earn back your trust. So let’s just start at the beginning…as friends and take one step forward…together.”
“Okay, Kevin.” She smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Okay.”
He pulled the woolen hat off her head, moving his fingers into her short hair as she rested her forehead against his. “I love you,” he whispered and just saying it made him feel like more weight was lifted off his shoulders.
She didn’t say it back, and he understood why, but she held him tighter. That was good enough for him. They sat there for a long time, not speaking, just embracing each other and that moment. He shut his eyes, inhaling the scent of strawberries and exhaling all the negativity he’d
been trapped in. For the first time in four months, he finally felt at peace.
Even though she was probably wearing several layers of clothing, he still felt her shiver. “Let’s go somewhere,” he suggested.
“Where do you wanna go?”
“We could find a motel…you know, for old time’s sake.”
She smirked. “Sure. But we’re going in my rental car and not that petrol guzzler you came with.”
She stood up and he got to his feet as well. “How did you find me anyway?”
“Well, you told me about your hometown and once I got here, I looked for the Barber Shop—that was hard to find, but when I finally did, this nice lady named Rose told me where you live.”
“That was easy enough.” He opened the door of her rental car and she got in. He leaned in and pulled the strap of the seatbelt across her chest. “Safety first’” he said before he closed the door.
She followed him back to his house. After parking the Land Rover, he went inside and told his mother he would be out for the rest of the night. He picked up the black box as he stepped out onto the porch, then made his way down the stairs to her car.
He opened the driver’s side door and knelt down beside the car. “Hey, what time is your flight tomorrow?”
“Two in the afternoon. Why?”
“The rest of my family will be out tomorrow…skating at the lake. It’s tradition, but uh…” Somehow asking her this made him feel nervous. “My mom will be at home…and I want you to meet her. I could ask Momma B to come over too.”
“Really?” She beamed with excitement. “I’d love to meet them.”
“Okay.” He stood up and nodded his head towards the passenger seat. “Scoot over. I’ll drive.”
Journey to the Unknown Page 39