“So,” I started, “would you like to unpack, freshen up, take a nap, or go exploring?”
She fell back on the bed, exhausted, even after the two naps on the plane. Maybe the medicine that was helping with her nausea had a drowsy side effect. She inhaled deeply, then pushed out the breath, closing her eyes. “Maybe I could rest a few minutes. Are you tired?”
“Nope, but that’s okay. I’ll unpack.” I walked to her and leaned to kiss her on the forehead. She wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down, but I knew she wasn’t really in the mood. “It’s okay, Kayla, take a nap. I’ll wake you up in a little bit after I take a shower and put everything away.” I unclasped her fingers from around my neck and lowered her hands gently to her side. She rolled over and curled up into a ball.
I pulled the curtains closed, instantly turning the room as dark as night. I put all our clothes into drawers and hung up my two suits and her dresses. Then I put away the toiletries. Last was our carry-on bags. We’d brought snacks that needed to be put in the small fridge, and I wanted to set up my laptop.
Kayla’s carry-on weighed a ton. I hadn’t noticed before, since I was carrying everything. What in the world had she packed in there? I unzipped the main compartment and pulled out three huge textbooks. I read the names and then sank to the floor. I’d thought she’d given up the idea. I’d hoped over the last few months that she’d realized the past was the past. But here we were, on our honeymoon, and she’d not only brought textbooks, she hadn’t told me she’d enrolled.
I sat on the small sofa, her books at my side, just staring at Kayla while she slept. I’d told her I wanted her to do what she wanted.
How many times had I said that? But before her father’s death, she’d repeatedly said that she didn’t want anything other than to be a wife and a mother. The idea had taken root; the notion had embedded itself into my wants and dreams.
It’s not that I didn’t want her to go to college or have a career, but now, with babies and a company to run, I just didn’t see how it was possible. I’d think myself chauvinistic if it weren’t for the fact that she’d insisted on several occasions that it was all she wanted.
How in the world did she think she was going to manage this without something or someone suffering? I wasn’t sure what I should do or how I should react. If I didn’t say anything, I’d be lying about how I really felt and she’d see through me anyway.
I watched her stir, probably feeling the stillness in the room. She rolled over, and her eyes fluttered open with a brief look of confusion, but then she found me and rewarded me with a sleepy smile. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I responded, but couldn’t bring myself to return the smile.
“Did I sleep too long? What’s the matter?”
One word was all it took for her to see my despair. So spit it out, get it over with, and be on with our week already. I held up one of the books. I’d been taught, The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, anything else was misleading. And Kayla had purposely withheld the truth.
“What?” she responded indifferently. “Classes start within a week of us getting back, so I figured if I got some reading done, I’d be ahead of the curve.”
“On our honeymoon, Kayla? And why didn’t you tell me you enrolled?”
“I did tell you, Jesse.”
“Two months ago, you mentioned the possibility of going to college. You never told me you’d enrolled, which means you kept it from me because you knew I’d be upset. Which means you withheld it from me purposely, which means you lied.” The words came out harsher than I’d intended. What else was new? I never was good at holding back my feelings.
“I didn’t lie!” She sat up, furious now. “I told you.”
I shook my head. “We’re having twins, Kayla. We’re on our honeymoon. I just thought … I don’t know what I thought. It’s like everything I ever wanted, but everything that I never wanted to happen is happening at the same time. I have no control over anything. Our life seems to be spiraling out of control, and I’m not sure what to do or how to fix it.”
She walked over to me and put her hands on either side of my face. I felt like a child, sulking because I wasn’t getting my way.
“I didn’t lie, and I didn’t hide it either. I told you what my plans were.”
“Okay,” I conceded. “You didn’t lie. That was uncalled for.” But deep down, I knew that she hadn’t told me the entire truth for this very reason: because she knew how I felt.
“You can’t control everything in life, Jesse. Sometimes life just happens.”
“Exactly!” The irritation had been building for a while, and she’d just opened the hatch, releasing my ire. “Life does happen, and I’m willing to accept that, but how we react to it is another issue. I can accept what happened, but I want to have some control over how I face the future. And this just isn’t the way to go about it. I don’t want you to forget your father, but I want you to accept his death. I want you to be my wife, the mother of our children, not some activist or someone on a mission. It’s not what John would’ve wanted either.”
Undeterred by my spiel, she crossed her arms and released a long breath through her nose. “If I’d brought fiction books to read, you wouldn’t have been upset.” She waved her hand at my backpack, still sitting next to the sofa. “You have all your books on management, construction, and pregnancy.” She sneered on the last word. “I’ll read when you do.” She tilted my head up to make eye contact with me. “They’re just core courses; it’s not like I’m attending Harvard Law. I promise you, I won’t let anything interfere with our family. I’m going to take my basic college courses and work toward my associate’s degree, and then we’ll see where that takes us. Okay?”
I said nothing.
“I love you, Jesse. I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize our life together. You need to relax.”
I sighed. I needed to relax? Maybe I did. Kayla did seem to be doing much better; I was the one freaking out all the time. It’d be okay. She loved me. Wasn’t that all that mattered? Then I had a thought. Maybe I was wrong about my father. Maybe it wasn’t that he wasn’t strong enough. Maybe he was too pushy. My mother could have gone to college, even after having me. Maybe my father had tried to control her too much. I needed to call my mother, I realized. I needed real insight on women. Reading could only take me so far.
Kayla sank down beside me and curled herself into my side.
I hadn’t responded to her. “You’re right, Kayla, I do need to relax. I worry about whether you like me because of my actions, and then I turn around and overreact again. I’m not helping my case, am I?”
She gave me a half smile. “You’re passionate, Jesse. I love that about you. Like I said, I don’t want you to change.” She paused for a second or two, seemingly weighing how to continue. “And I’m stubborn enough to present you with a challenge, I know, but I’m doing what you asked me to do from the beginning. I’m going to be honest with what I want, and you’re going to placate me.” She smiled at her curtness, and then continued, “And that’s why we’re going to make it.” She laid her head on my shoulder. “We will compromise.”
Now I couldn’t help but smile. “You are feisty, cowgirl, aren’t you?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Will you promise me one thing? I know you said you told me, and you did, but you didn’t tell me when you actually made the conscious decision to enroll. So, yes, it took me by surprise. Will you be straightforward and let me know before you do something like this again that, no matter what you believe, will affect our lives? It’s not that I want to control you. I don’t. I just don’t want us to keep anything from each other. Does that make sense?”
“Yes.” And she sounded as if she meant it and really wanted to end the conversation.
I wanted that too; we were on our honeymoon.
“So, do you want to go downstairs, or we could stay here for an hour or so and make up?”
She answered by crawlin
g into my lap. I draped my arms around her and pulled her close, then carried her to the bed. Make up time, it was.
Making up was fun, and then we changed clothes for a walk around the property.
I led Kayla through the lavishly decorated casino. We weren’t old enough to do anything but walk through; we weren’t even allowed to stop and watch. Not that I wanted to; gambling held no interest at all for me. Life itself was a gamble. No need to throw hard-earned money away on a pipe dream. Instead, I took her to the mall. She needed new clothes so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable because of the few pounds she’d put on in the last few weeks.
“Jesse,” she whined. “I really don’t feel like trying on clothes; you know how much I hate to shop.”
I chuckled lightly. “You’re so adorable. How many girls will admit that they hate to shop? Come on, it’ll be fun. I’m sure they have a lot of tropical items you can’t get in Charlotte.”
“Ugh … really, I don’t want to do this.”
“Kayla, I don’t want you to be worried the entire trip about your clothes not fitting. Besides, I’ve never shopped for clothes with you. I’d like to help you pick out some things.”
“Fine,” she said, exhaling sharply.
I couldn’t control my laughter. “Poor thing, a husband forcing you to shop. I’m sure you’ll have a lot of women who’ll pity you.”
“Probably not,” she moaned.
We strolled through several of the shops until we found one we liked. I pointed out some shirts that I thought made women look pregnant anyway. Baby doll tops, Kayla called them, agreeing with my assessment and choosing a few to try. They did look comfortable and the fabrics were silky and stretchy, a plus.
Eventually, Kayla lightened up, seemingly enjoying herself. She even picked out a Tommy Bahama shirt for me and a pair of light-colored rayon shorts to match. They’d look fine here, but I couldn’t see myself ever wearing them in North Carolina. Someone would definitely challenge me to a fight. It was bad enough that I looked like a surfer when I lived on the redneck side of Charlotte. I was more redneck than surfer any day; I’d prefer muddin’ over surfing given the chance, and my music of choice had always been country. But unless I dyed my hair, changed my complexion and body type, I’d always look like a surfer.
Next, I led Kayla to a lingerie store. She whined again, “Seriously? You want me to wear this?” She tossed the sheer white nighty I’d picked up back on the table.
I nodded. “It’s not that I don’t love the cotton T-shirts and pajama pants, but it would be kind of nice.”
She picked up the outfit and charged toward the dressing room. “You’re gonna pay for this, mister.”
“Name it! I’ll take my punishment. Whatever you want to do to me,” I whispered, following her until she let the door swing back against me. “It’s our honeymoon, Kayla,” I called after her. “And I happen to love your body.”
We spent the next few days exploring the resort, walking on the beach, and on the third day, I scheduled us for a trip to Blue Lagoon, a small private island designated for nothing but peace and relaxation.
We took a ferry to the island, which wasn’t the most peaceful thing for Kayla. About ten minutes into the trip, she started turning green, but we managed the entire thirty minutes without incident.
Hundreds of hammocks strung between palm trees invited weary city folk to take a nap. The sand was pure white like the beaches in my hometown of Clearwater, only the density was more like crushed rock than fine sugar sand. A shallow, crystal-clear path of water cut between the island and the inland waterway, so we rented a kayak and paddled around the island.
I booked a dolphin excursion for later in the day, so we spent the early part of the afternoon simply relaxing in the sun.
When we arrived at the dock, the dolphins were peering up at us as if they’d been waiting on our arrival. I was accustomed to their playfulness and curiosity, but Kayla thrilled at the sight. She’d witnessed one in Florida, but she’d been feeling rather ill that day.
After a brief video and information on the dolphins, we donned our life preservers and entered the water. Kayla shrieked with joy when she was able to hug and kiss the dolphins and laughed as one danced around her. All in all, it was a great day that I would remember for the rest of my life. The look on my wife’s face was all I needed to make me happy. I’d shown her a great time.
By the time we returned to the hotel, it was around six. Kayla had fallen asleep on the ferry, and it looked as if she wouldn’t be able to stay awake through dinner.
I took her bag from her and set it on the dresser. “I’ll just go get pizza and bring it back to the room.”
“That sounds wonderful,” she agreed. “Why am I so darn tired?”
I just looked at her and smiled. The answer was obvious, and I really was working on not having an answer for everything. “I’ll be right back.” I kissed her lightly, then walked out the door.
Chapter 45 - Kayla
After taking a shower, I curled up on the couch, waiting for Jesse to return. It took only a few minutes of being alone for the sadness to creep its way in, and before I knew it, I was bawling.
I tried to pull myself together; I didn’t want Jesse to see me like this. I’d been doing a good job of hiding my grief lately, but it was always at the back of my mind.
Sometimes I was the saddest when I was the happiest. Days like today. Jesse had planned such a wonderful day, and I could see his bliss. He worked so hard, and when he wasn’t working he was taking care of me. How pathetic I’d become. I’d never needed someone to take care of me.
I’d taken care of my father for years, and then he left me. I was so afraid that Jesse would leave too. What if he got tired of taking care of me? Would he die, as my parents had? Or, would he just up and leave me one day, alone with two children to care for? No, I couldn’t think that way; Jesse was wonderful. Why were these thoughts even in my head?
I tried to control the sobs, but they continued to rack my body. I opened up the balcony doors; it wasn’t much of a balcony, just a railing really, but it felt good. I allowed the breeze from the harbor below to wash over me. Dad would’ve loved this. He’d loved the water, but never had much time to get away. Why? Was it because of me? Was he working so hard to keep me in the style of living he provided? The extravagant house, the horses. Did he think I needed any of it? The horses’ upkeep alone took a small fortune.
Would Jesse work himself to death also? It was my fault. I didn’t need all of this. I looked around at our hotel; it had probably cost a fortune. Jesse had taken care of everything, so I wasn’t privy to the cost. He’d paid for everything before we even married. He’d worked for years to save up his money and had spent a great portion of it on my ring, a new barn for me, and our honeymoon. Always for me. Overcome with grief, I fell to my knees. I didn’t want any of it. I wanted my father back; I wanted a carefree life again. I wanted to stop crying.
The door opened, and I quickly jumped up and headed to the bathroom before he could see me. Luckily, the room was dark.
“Kayla?” Jesse called. “Are you still in the shower?”
“I’ll be right out!”
“They only had cheese and pepperoni. Sorry, no veggie.”
Although slumped up against the door, I smiled. If only he could stay with me twenty-four hours a day, I’d be okay.
With a shove, I forced myself off the floor, then pressed a cool washcloth to my face, begging the swelling and redness to dissipate.
“You okay?” Jesse asked, soft and reassuring. He cracked open the door. I tried to hide my face, but it was too late. He’d seen my eyes and opened the door wider. “What happened?”
“Nothing. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, baby. It’s okay. Talk to me,” he pleaded.
I couldn’t talk, the tears started up again as soon as I tried to speak.
Jesse came in and wrapped his arms around me. “Are you hurt? Was it too much today?”
The tears fell unchecked. The nicer he was, the harder it was to bear. “I’m just sad, Jesse. I can’t seem to get better. I’m scared. We had a beautiful day. I don’t know why this happens.”
“You’ve had a traumatic three months. You’re only eighteen, and yet you’re married, you lost your father, and you’re pregnant. This is to be expected.”
“But I’m so afraid you’ll get to the point where you can’t handle it anymore, or something will happen to you.”
Jesse brushed my hair back from my face and pulled me against him. “Please don’t ever think like that. I will never leave you. You’re adding unnecessary stress. I assure you my leaving is the one thing you’ll never have to worry about. You’re my life, Kayla. I love you more than life itself. Can’t you see that?”
“You’re eighteen, newly married, having twins, and you’re not falling apart every five minutes.”
He lifted my chin. “You lost your father, baby. He was everything to you. I wish I could fill that role, but nothing can. Only time will help. Losing a parent at any age is hard, but you’re so young and have had to deal with it twice. The grief isn’t something that will just go away.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Maybe if you could forgive God.”
My body tensed. I didn’t want to forgive God.
“I know I promised not to mention it. I know you don’t want to hear it. But I think it’s the only way to heal. You need to let your anger go. Acceptance is —”
I pulled away from Jesse and walked to the bed. I curled myself up into a ball. In only seconds, his arms were around me again. How could he keep trying to make me feel better? I was a horrible person. “Maybe we should sell everything when we get back, Jesse.” He just lay there, saying nothing, so I continued, “The horses, the houses, everything.”
He turned me in his arms. “Why?”
“Because I don’t need it. I don’t need any of it. I don’t want you to work so hard.”
“No.”
Love Like Crazy (Crazy Love Book 1) Page 28