by Katy Kaylee
“You have to help her.” I grabbed onto Claire, feeling like a drowning man with her as my only lifeline. “She’s my whole world, I can’t lose her. I lost Lacey—I can’t—I can’t lose her daughter, I can’t lose my baby girl.”
“I know, Alex. I know.” Claire was still so calm, and it hit me in the face for the first time that this really was her calling. She was really good at this. “I’m going to do everything I can, Alex. I promise you. I’ll do everything I can. I know what she means to you.”
Claire gently detached herself from me, then joined Dr. Franklin in wheeling Tabitha out to the ICU.
Pippa got me a glass of water. After a few minutes, or maybe it was seconds, or hours, I jumped up and started pacing. I couldn’t keep still. My legs were bouncing uncontrollably, my hands shaking.
Claire reappeared after a couple of hours. I blinked at her. How long had I been pacing?
“Sit down, Alex.” She handed me coffee and a bear claw. She must’ve gotten them from a vending machine. How she’d known I’d need that—I didn’t know if it was because she knew me that well, or if she just knew worried family members that well. Either way, I was grateful.
Claire sat next to me, giving me a pointed look. I obediently started eating. “We’ve gotten her stabilized, but until the infection is gone we have to keep her in the ICU, to finish getting rid of the infection.”
“Can—” The food stuck in my throat. “Can I see her?”
Claire’s eyes softened, and she nodded.
Tabitha looked so small and frail in her bed, hooked up with all of these tubes and wires. She’d been so energetic just yesterday. Full of life.
I tucked the anteater in her arms, so that it would be the first thing she saw when she woke up. Then I sat down and took her hand. Her pulse was so weak. Fuck. I felt something splash onto my hand and realized I was crying.
“Get better,” I willed her. “You have to get—no, you will get better, I promise you. I’m not leaving your side until you’re better.”
She had to make it out. She had to be okay.
22
Claire
Alex had been at the hospital for days straight.
To say that I was worried about him would be putting it lightly. I had never seen him like this. Of course he was always a bit worried about Tabitha. Every parent was when faced with their child being sick. But she had been doing so well and despite all of my concerns, my warnings not to get his hopes too high, I knew that Alex had been feeling buoyant and positive about Tabitha’s chances. Now, all that probably felt like it was crashing around his ears.
I hadn’t been as positive as Alex. I had been worried. But I also wasn’t sinking into abject despair. That wasn’t my job. If I’d done that with my patients, I could never have become a doctor. My job was to assess the risks and be prepared for them but keep fighting anyway. Tabitha was a fighter, I could agree with Alex on that, and I was on the case. I wasn’t going to let this girl go, not on my watch.
Alex was a whole other matter. The man hadn’t slept as far as I knew, other than snatches here and there when he would fall against Tabitha’s bed, her tiny hand still caught up in his. He was drinking coffee like a madman. I didn’t think he’d showered, either, just splashed a bit of water on his face now and then.
Yeah, the guy was a wreck. And someone had to help him.
It occurred to me, for the first time, that while Alex was taking care of a lot of people… he had no one to take care of him. He was Tabitha’s father, the head of a company, the one looking after all of his employees, assets, the board members. When he was with Tabitha he gave her his full attention but when he wasn’t, he was often on his computer or phone, discussing options for his company, moving things around—there was some big merger coming up, that was what the reporter had said. I’d seen her doing an interview with him in an empty patient room a couple of weeks ago, when I’d been doing my best not to speak to Alex. He’d been very professional with her even though she’d clearly been flirting with him. I’d thought, at the time, that it was just that he didn’t want to get mixed up in the gossip if it was found out he slept with the reporter who did a glowing review on him—but now I knew it was because he only wanted me.
That thought never stopped making me feel warm and fuzzy inside. It was ridiculous. And I couldn’t get enough of it.
But nobody was looking after Alex, and here he was looking after everyone. And if nobody else would step up and do it, then dammit, I would.
Luckily, I had good news for him to help as I walked over to try and drag him home. “Alex?”
He was pacing up and down in the hallway since Pippa kicked him out of Tabitha’s room to change the sheets on the bed and such. He looked up as I walked over, and God, he looked so haggard. Still handsome, but absolutely worn down. He deserved to get some rest.
“I have some good news.” I finally allowed a smile to slide onto my face. “Tabitha’s infection is going away, the medicine is working, and we think that we’ll be out of the woods soon.”
The look of relief on Alex’s face made my breath come up short. Before I could even blink he was hugging me tightly—and for a second I was worried that people would gossip, but then I remembered that this was far from the first time that the family of a patient had hugged me in relief. I hugged him back for a moment, patting his shoulder, and then pulled away. It wasn’t safe to linger in his embrace, as much as I wanted to, as much as his warmth, his touch, his smell, intoxicated me.
“Thank you,” Alex said, his voice hoarse. He looked like he’s holding back tears, and I helped guide him to sit down in one of the plastic chairs that lined the hallway. “Sorry, I don’t usually let go in front of other people like that.”
“It’s okay to cry.”
“No, I know, it’s not that—” He winced, and kept his voice low as he spoke. “My father was a bastard. Drunk, abusive. My mom suffered from debilitating depression, she was rarely out of bed. I learned to keep my emotions to myself, to only cry when nobody could see me, that kind of thing. It’s a hard habit to break. But I trust you.”
That… that meant a lot to me. “I’m glad to hear that.” With a jolt, I realized that I trusted him too. “You do need to rest, though.”
“You said she’s getting better. I need to see her.”
“Tabitha’s going to be asleep for hours, and now that she’s on the mend, we know that you won’t miss anything. She’s not going to want to wake up and see you like this.” I gestured at him and Alex chuckled.
“I look a mess, don’t I?”
“Yeah, you could say that.” I stood up. “Go home, take a shower, have something to eat that isn’t coffee. Get some sleep for once.”
Alex stood up as well. “No. I’m not leaving my little girl.”
I grabbed him by the arm. “My shift’s over, which is bad news for you.”
“Oh, really?”
“No teasing, Alex.” I dragged him to my office to get my things and hang up my coat. “I’m taking you home and I will shove food into you and you into a shower if it kills me.”
I couldn’t do this with other family members of patients, although I had driven a couple of them home now and then. But I had just left them once I’d gotten them home. I hadn’t walked them in and I certainly hadn’t stayed.
Now, I was staying.
Alex grumbled as I made coffee, scrambled eggs, and toast. It wasn’t much but it was food, and it was easy to make. Besides, his kitchen had next to nothing. “Do you ever eat here?” I asked.
Alex sat down heavily, watching me as I moved around the kitchen. “Not really, usually I get whatever’s in the hospital cafeteria.”
“I know that I’m a hypocrite for saying this since I practically only eat there but—you need to eat something other than hospital food.” I set the plate down in front of him.
Alex picked at his food as I watched, then scrubbed a hand over his face. “I just don’t want to leave her,” he admitte
d. “Fuck. My parents were the worst. And I know that’s hyperbole. I know that there are parents out there who were probably worse than mine. But I don’t want to ever have Tabitha experience anything like I did. I want her to be safe and to be loved and to know that. I want her to know I love her. The idea that—that she might wake up and be alone, that she might feel like I don’t care—for even a second. Fuck.”
“Hey.” I took his hand. “Alex. She does know that you love her. But you can’t look after her properly if you don’t look after yourself. Abuse happens when you think about yourself over your children but when it’s the other way around you end up having a breakdown. You need a balance. You can’t take care of her if you don’t also take care of yourself.”
I tugged on his hand. “C’mon, a hot shower will do you good. Then you can nap.”
Alex finished up his food. “I’ll take one if you join me.”
I chuckled. It was probably an outright ploy for sex but I didn’t mind. I wanted to have sex with him again. We hadn’t so much as touched over the past few days, while I’d been running around and Alex had been with Tabitha. Maybe we could’ve managed some hugs, or something simple like that, if we’d been able to openly date but as it was this was the first time I was getting to really just be with him. I hadn’t realized how much I loved it or anticipated how much I would miss it.
“All right,” I told him. “If that’s what it’ll take.”
Alex’s shower was a bit small, but still bigger than mine, and we were able to fit the both of us in nicely. It was just cozy enough that I had to stick pressed to him, and Alex wasted no time in pressing his lips to mine.
“Nuh-uh,” I whispered as he tried to deepen the kiss. “We’re actually getting clean first.”
Alex snorted, but he let me pour shampoo into his hair and wash it for him. He insisted on washing mine as well, working his fingers through the strands, the strong pads of them massaging my scalp. God, he was good at this. I was shocked that he’d never had a proper girlfriend before, he was just so caring.
I respected him all the more now, and appreciated this about him so much more, now that I knew about his past. He hadn’t been taught all this by his family the way most of us had. He’d had to learn it as an adult, away from them. He’d probably had to break some pretty nasty learned toxic behavior while he was at it.
“I’m proud of you,” I blurted out as we rinsed out our hair.
“What, for letting you drag me here?” Alex teased.
“No, for…” I took a deep breath and turned to face him. Water was sticking to his skin, sliding down in fat droplets, and God he was so handsome it took my breath away. “You’re a good person. You really are. And I know that couldn’t have been easy for you, with the childhood that you had. I really admire it. And I know that you don’t need me to be proud of you, or anything, but I am. I’m proud of you for overcoming all of that and refusing to perpetrate that behavior.”
“You sound so nerdy when you say things like that,” Alex replied. “Perpetrate that behavior. It’s adorable.”
I could feel myself blushing.
Alex kissed me softly. “It’s also hot as fuck. You’re so damn smart. It’s just oozing out of you. You’re a brilliant woman and I honestly don’t even think you know how crazy you drive me with that kind of shit.”
“Oh?” I felt playful, vulnerable, and safe, all at once. I looped my arms around his neck. “Then show me.”
Alex chuckled, and before I knew it his hands were sliding underneath my thighs, lifting me up, and he was pining me to the wall of the shower. I could feel him hard and insistent against my hip and I gasped, already feeling hot all over from wanting him inside of me.
“So eager, aren’t we?” he teased me. He ground his hips against mine and I let out a little moan. I sometimes worried that I was too loud, too obnoxious, that my voice got annoying—but Alex seemed to genuinely love it. He seemed to really like hearing me when we were having sex.
It filled me with confidence, made me feel sexy.
When I had imagined having sex with someone, I hadn’t been able to imagine myself really taking the lead. I had imagined that they would be the one in control, that I would just be more… passive, I guess.
But here I was, taking Alex in hand, stroking him, guiding him inside of me. He made me feel like I could just take charge and do what I wanted, and then give control back to him. The two of us swapping back and forth. His confidence, his experience, probably should have made me feel intimidated but it just made me feel safe, knowing that he was experienced in this, that he could guide me. After all, I’d spent my entire life being the youngest person in my classes, going ahead, skipping grades. Having an older person there with me to help me along wasn’t anything new to me.
I relished it, and him.
Alex stretched me wide, and perhaps I should’ve prepped myself a little more, but I didn’t care. I wanted that burn. He was fucking strong, holding me up without a problem, and I gasped as I felt our hips press flush against each other, finally joined.
Yes. This was what I wanted. For as long as he wanted to give it to me. Us, joined, just like this.
23
Alex
I could hardly contain myself as Claire pulled me into her, guided my cock inside of her. She was so open about what she wanted, just reaching out and taking, and I fucking loved it. It was amazing, she was amazing, and being inside of her felt like a fucking revelation.
“God, you’re a fucking miracle,” I moaned, burying my face in her neck, wishing that we could be together openly, wishing that I could leave marks in her skin, little claims that she was mine.
Claire gasped as I started to fuck into her in short, sharp little movements. Yes, yes, just like that, fuck—
“So fucking gorgeous,” I whispered. I had always given out compliments here and there during sex. My partners were always beautiful and I wanted them to feel it. But it had never felt like this. It had never felt like I just had to say these words, like they were just spilling from me without permission, like I would die if I didn’t get to tell Claire how I felt about her. “Fuck, sweetheart, you’re so fucking sexy, do you have any idea…”
Claire responded, she always did, it was like I was flipping a switch on inside of her and she was lighting up in neon. I drove into her, feeling that tight hot vice of her around me, again and again… fuck…
It felt over far too soon. Every time I got a taste of her, I wanted more. I didn’t think I would ever get tired of her and what was more, I didn’t want to.
We toweled off together and I lent Claire one of my shirts for her to sleep in. Now that I was out of the shower I was realizing how tired I actually was. I hadn’t felt it, not while I was with Tabitha. I’d been wired on adrenaline and fear. Now that was all crashing down, but in a good way. I felt like I was still floating on a cloud, riding the high of being with Claire again. The rest of the world didn’t exist right now—it was just us and the sweet embrace of sleep.
I felt bad that this wasn’t my proper Malibu home. Not that I thought Claire would mind. But this wasn’t me, and my home in Los Angeles was. It was an extension of myself, and I wanted her to see all of me.
“Join me?” I asked, pulling back the covers and starting to climb in.
Claire hesitated for a moment, then nodded, biting her lip to try and fight down a smile as she crawled into bed with me.
Every time she agreed to do something to continue our relationship, I felt more honored. I felt joyful. She was risking a lot more than I was in dating me, and every step she took with me was an admission of trust. I wanted to do everything in my power to be worthy of that. Of her.
One night stand or not, I’d always been a cuddler in bed. I liked having someone to hold. My therapist had once told me that it was because after the kind of childhood I’d had that I was touch starved. Made sense to me. God forbid my mother touch me or my father use his hands on me in any way other than hitting me. Claire
went easily into my arms, settling in, and let me curl up against her back. Her hair smelled like me, like my shampoo, and I tucked my nose into the back of her neck, breathing her in. God, she was lovely. Lovely inside and out.
Daddy?
I couldn’t quite make out what was happening. If it was Tabitha calling out for me and I couldn’t save her, or me calling out for my father to stop and leave Lacey alone. I just knew that I was in the middle of darkness, and I was losing the people that I loved. They were yelling for me, and I was yelling for them, but none of it mattered.
I woke up in a cold sweat.
Jesus Christ. That was far from the first nightmare I’d had about my dad. They were rare, now, but they still crept up now and again. The nightmares about Tabitha had been nearly constant for the past six months. As much as I tried to put on a brave face… I was terrified for her.
Claire shuffled a little in her sleep. She was still in my arms.
I looked down at her, my heart softening, my breathing evening out. She was so peaceful like this. Just having her here helped to chase the nightmares away. She’s a presence here, and not just some random person, but somebody that I cared about. Someone I wanted to have with me for a long time.
For a while, I didn’t go back to sleep. I just held her and listened to the sound of her breathing. Our relationship really was breaking all of the rules. She could get in massive trouble. It was probably selfish of me to continue to see her when she was the one putting everything on the line. But at the same time, I couldn’t let her go. Not when she already felt so vital to my peace of mind.
I didn’t know when I fell asleep again, but when I woke up, it was to Claire turning around so that we were facing each other, nuzzling further into me, her mouth against my throat.