Nodding, I follow him out, and we start walking down the street towards a small coffee shop.
“How are you doing?” he asks me as we enter.
“I’m doing okay.” I nod, lying through my teeth and forcing a smile.
“Do you want coffee?” I nod my answer. Once we get our drinks, we walk down to a bench farther down the street, overlooking a lake.
“Daria, be honest.” He pauses for a beat. “Are you really okay?”
“What do you mean? Of course I’m okay,” I say defensively.
Liar.
I hear a rumble of motorbikes. My heart begins to beat faster and harder than normal.
“I’ve known you long enough to know that you’re lying right now.” He tilts his head to the side. “Plus, you jumped when you heard that motorbike. Tell me what’s going on, sweetheart.”
I don’t want to drag him into more of my dramas. He’s already helped me so much throughout my adult life.
“You women think you can do everything yourselves. Too damn proud to ask for help.” He shakes his head. “Look, I’m going to tell you a few things that happened before Jessica was born. You have to listen to everything, and listen carefully.”
I nod, scared about what he’s going to say.
“Before Alex, I was like this Striker guy,” My head swings to look at him. “Jessica is a gossip, like her aunt. I overheard her talking to Alex. She’s worried about you.” Damn it, Jess. “Anyway, I was like him in the way of rebelling against my dad. I lost my mom to the De Costa mafia and I wanted nothing but revenge on the bastards.” His hand closes into a fist. “We were asked to save a friend of Dad’s daughter, Alex. She was married to the son and heir to the De Costa fortune. The one who killed my mom. I blamed her for it, but it turns out that she tried to save my mom, and saved me. She’s saved me more than once since.” He smiles, thinking about his wife. “I let the club take over my life; the whores, and the violence. I felt like I was untouchable, until I couldn’t admit to Alex how I really felt. Not until it was too late.” He looks down at his coffee cup. “De Costa came back for Alex. I almost lost her on more than one occasion.”
“What has this got to do with me? Striker isn’t in love with me and I’m not in love with him.”
“Is that true? Can you honestly say that you feel nothing for him?”
“I’m married to Jake. He’s all I need.” I stand and he stands with me.
“Look, my point is, he may be harboring some sort of feelings for you, or he really is an asshole, as my daughter calls him.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “Just don’t let your hate for him get in the way of how you truly feel, Daria.”
“You think I would love a bastard that does this to me?” I pull the gauze away from my neck, showing him the bruises and the small laceration on the side of my neck.
“No. No, I don’t, but I know you and I know you want your daughter to know her real father, just like you want to know who your real mom is.” My eyes widen. “I’ve seen this Striker character when I’ve dropped Jess off at Nico’s. Emily is the spitting image of him. I put two and two together.”
“I don’t want my daughter around that.”
“I didn’t want my kids growing up around that either, so I left. But I think if you talk to him and tell him what your terms are then he may surprise you.” He rubs my arms.
“Tyler, I’m not okay.” I burst into tears.
He encloses me in his arms like a father would, and it makes me miss my own dad more. I need him more than ever right now.
“I know, sweetheart. I know.” He places a kiss on the top of my head and lets me hug him for as long as possible.
***
Two days pass. Jake is finally coming home and I can’t wait to have him in my arms. I’ve drunk nearly two whole bottles of wine waiting on him coming home. Emily has been fast asleep for a few hours. She had a hard day at school apparently, and she didn’t want to talk about it, she just wanted to sleep.
The door opens and I hear Jake’s keys clink on the table. I race out to greet him. He’s in the middle of taking of his tie when I launch myself at him. He catches me, and I plant my lips on his, kissing him deeply and causing him to moan. “Well, hello to you too,” he breathes.
“Shut up and take me to bed.” I kiss him deeply again, not giving him a chance to answer me. He takes me to our room and makes love to me. I needed this. I need to erase the past two days from my brain. Jake always helps with that. I need to feel close to someone.
To feel loved
“Not that I’m complaining, but what did I do to deserve that welcome?” He rolls off me.
“I just missed you.” I try not to slur my words.
“I missed you too.” He kisses my head. I fall asleep on his chest. This is what I always imagined my life to be like. A kind, caring husband and father, and a beautiful daughter.
Pity you don’t love him..
***
I crack my eyes open when I feel the bed dip and a hand caress my face. A smiling Jake looks down at me.
“Morning.” He leans down to kiss my cheek. “I'll take Emily to school today. You lie in.” I offer him a weak smile.
“Thank you. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you.”
He laughs a little. “It’s about time you got a long lie in, Mrs. Jefferson.” After kissing me again, he leaves and I hear him and Emily laughing and joking. Sighing contently, I close my eyes again. But soon wish I hadn't.
Sitting up quicker than my body is ready for, I feel sick, and the impending fountain that's about to leave my mouth comes out like something from a horror movie. You know the one where the girl that’s possessed fucks herself with a crucifix? Yeah, I'm sure I resemble her right now.
“What the fuck did I do last night?”
I text Jess to come over quickly. I need her. *SOS. Come over.*
“What’s the emergency?” she asks, holding some Ben and Jerry’s in her hand, as I finish cleaning up the vomit.
“I slept with Jake last night.”
“You slept with your husband? Shock. Call the nine o’clock news.”
“Jess, it’s not funny.” I pace the floor while she tucks into the ice cream.
“You said you wanted to make it work, so what’s the problem?” She shrugs.
“The problem is, I couldn’t get off without getting drunk beforehand or imagining someone else.” I close my eyes, ashamed I’m admitting all of this to her.
“Who do you imagine?” I don’t answer her. “Oh my God, you don’t? You do!” She gasps, realizing who I had to imagine.
“What am I going to do?”
“What is it that you want, Daria?”
“I want Jake to be loved the way he deserves. I want a divorce.”
Jess’ eyes widen a fraction that I’ve actually said it out loud. “Really? Is this truly what you really want? What are the real reasons behind it?” Jess hands me a spoon. “I still don’t understand why you feel like it was wrong to sleep with your husband now? You’ve had sex before. Why is this so different?”
“We haven’t had sex in months,” My face is flaming. You could probably fry an egg it’s that hot. “Fifteen months to be exact.” Risking a look at Jess, her eyes stare at me, unblinking. She’s holding her spoon midair. “I bought a vibrator to cope.”
“Okay. Firstly, you bought a vibrator. We women have needs too, Daria. There’s no need to be embarrassed. I have one.” She rolls her eyes at my embarrassed look. “Secondly, have you voiced this to him?”
“No, I haven’t. We used to have sex almost every night when he was back home, but ever since he’s taken over the New York branch of his dad’s company, it’s stopped.” I used to be all he thought about when he was away, and when he came home he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Now, he comes home, spends time with us as a family. I go to bed and he stays up to all hours. “I can’t help but think he has someone in New York.”
/>
“Daria, stop. He loves you. You guys have been married for almost eleven years. Maybe you need to rekindle that romance?”
“Jess, it’s hard to do that when he’s only back for a day, two at most, then he’s gone again.”
“Ask him to take a week off. Emily can stay at my house while you two spend some time together.”
“I’ve asked him before, Jess. He keeps making excuses.” I pick a piece of invisible lint off my trousers.
“Are you sure that’s all there is to it?” She tilts her head slightly. “This doesn’t have anything to so with a certain six-foot-seven grumpy asshole biker, does it?”
“No.”
“I’m just saying, because ever since Striker came back on the scene, you’ve been distant and a lot snippier than normal.”
“Striker is not back on the scene, Jess.” I sigh, running my fingers through my hair. “He was never on the scene. We slept together once. That’s it.”
“Yet you have to imagine him to orgasm instead of your husband.”
It’s true. I replay that night ten years ago over and over in my head. The feel of his cock moving inside me, the pulling of my hair. Shaking my head clear, I don’t want to go back there. Not now and not ever again.
Groaning out loud, I flop back on my bed. “Why is my life such a clusterfuck?”
“Hell if I know.” Jess giggles. “I’m here whatever you decide, Daria. You know that. But you really need to think about this and think how hard it’ll be for everyone involved.”
I’ve thought about this non-stop for the past couple of months. I can’t keep up this façade any more. Living a life where love is one-sided. Jake deserves to go out and find someone who will love him just as much as he loves me.
“I know. I’ll sleep on it.”
“I’d suggest talking to Jake before making a decision, especially one as big as this.”
“Thanks, Jess.” I hug her. I can’t thank her enough for being with me through all the shit with my stepmom, my dad and all my dramas. “Enough about my drama; tell me something good to take my mind off this huge choice I have to make.”
Jess looks down then back up again biting her lip. “I’m engaged.”
“Oh my God, congratulations.” I squeal, thankful for this distraction, grabbing her hand to see the ring. “It’s beautiful. How did he do it? The whole shebang? Did he ask your dad’s permission? Tell me everything.”
She launches into how Nico proposed and that he done it all by the book; asking her dad’s permission, down on one knee at their favorite spot. “After the first disastrous attempt a few weeks ago, he asked again and I didn’t hesitate.” Jess beams.
“I’m so happy for you guys.”
“Thank you,” A shy smile graces her face. “Will you be my maid of honor?”
Tears prick the back of my eyes. “Jess, of course I will.” I throw my arms around her. We launch into what wedding she wants and the time of year she wants to get married. Before we know it, it’s time for her to go.
“Good luck for tonight. If I know Jake, he’ll be fine and understand,” Jess says before she leaves to meet Nico’s mom.
“Thanks. I’ll message you later.” Closing the door, I try to relax before Jake comes home.
I need to clear my head, so I walk down to the basement where Jake built me a dance studio. I need to dance my thoughts away.
***
Waiting for Jake to come home has my anxiety soaring higher than Mount Everest, again. I would rather be on top of that mountain than have to do what I'm about to do. Hearing the jingle of keys in the door causes me to jump a little.
For goodness sake, Daria. Get a grip of yourself. This is Jake, he'll understand.
Shaking my body clear of all tension, I start making dinner for Jake and me. Jake’s dad is looking after Emily tonight. I asked him on the off chance he would be free. Luckily, he was, so I can talk to Jake.
“Mmm, something smells amazing.” Jake places his hands around my waist, kissing my neck. “Food smells good too.”
“Why don’t you go have a shower while I finish up?”
“I’ll be back in ten.” He kisses my cheek.
This is it, Daria. Time to be truthful, and as much as it will hurt, you need to tell him everything.
I’m staring at my glass of wine when Jake comes back down. “What did I do to deserve this?”
“It’s just for being you.” I smile, dishing up his food.
“What’s wrong?” he asks when we finish dinner.
“Huh? Nothing.” I take his plate and place it in the dishwasher.
“Come on, Daria. You’ve been quiet throughout dinner, which is a total contrast to last night when I arrived home. So, spill.”
How can I put this so it doesn’t hurt him? Who am I kidding? There is no way to put is gently. I’ve mulled over this all day since Jess left. I said I would sleep on it, but I have to go with what’s in my heart. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not fair.
“I want a divorce.” There, it’s out. I risk a look at Jake. “Jake?” I reach for his hand which he snatches away from me, placing it on his lap. He pinches his lips together, his jaw clenching while he tries to process what I just said. He scrubs a hand over his face and blows out a heavy sigh before uttering words I wasn’t prepared for.
“Is this because of him?” I blink at him, shocked he would even think that this was all because of Striker. “Answer the damn question, Daria.”
“What? No, Jake. This has nothing to do with Striker.”
“Then why? We were getting on fine before you saw him released.” He grabs another beer out of the fridge.
“I’ve been feeling like this for years. You had to have known this, Jake. How many times have you been home the past year and a half? I think I can count on two hands how many times. When you’re home, I don’t feel like you’re one hundred percent here with me.” I try to gain eye contact but he keeps his back to me. “We’re not doing ourselves any favors by staying together for Emily.” Walking up behind him, I place my hand on his back but he shrugs it off. With a heavy sigh, I look down. “Look, Jake. We both know this marriage was just to keep up appearances. I don’t want you to stay in a one-sided marriage when there are plenty of other girls out there that will love you the way you love me.” He remains silent.
“Maybe it was for you, but I love you and Emily with everything in me.”
“I know that, Jake. I love you too, which is why this was hard for me to tell you. But I’m not in love with you.” I wipe my tears away and repeat what I said earlier. “This isn’t fair on either of us. Staying together for Emily’s sake isn’t the way to live our lives.”
“That’s not why I’m still here, Daria. I love you so fucking much, it kills me to think of my life without you.” His lips flatten into a hard line.
“Please, Jake. Do you really think I wanted it to go down like this? That I want to hurt you?” My voice wobbles. “I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for you.”
A tear falls from his eye. My heart shatters seeing him like this.
“I’m sorry, Jake.” I go to take his hand but he snatches it out of my reach. “Jake, I am truly sorry.”
“I’ll be at Dad’s for a while. I’ll call you with the papers.” He doesn’t look at me and walks out, slamming the door, leaving me alone.
Chapter Twelve
Daria
After Jake left last week, Emily has been asking questions. Why is Dad not living here? Why do I need to go to Grandpa’s to see Dad?
Jake tried to explain to her but she just wasn’t getting the fact that Mom and Dad were having adult problems.
“We need to tell her the truth,” Jake says, looking ahead, watching Emily at her basketball game. “We need to tell her we’re getting a divorce. We need to tell her I’m not her real dad.”
He walks away and starts cheering for Emily to score, leaving me numb and feeling worse
than I already did.
Tonight. I’ll tell her tonight.
“Well done, sweetheart.” Jake hugs Emily when we wait to go home.
“Are you coming home tonight?” Emily looks up at Jake, who looks to me.
“Not tonight, sweetheart. Grandpa needs me to do something for him. I’ll pick you up tomorrow and we’ll go to the mall.”
The look on Emily’s face is breaking my heart right now.
You did this.
“Come on, sweetie. You’ve got school tomorrow and I have a ton of work to do for Grandpa.”
“Dad can come and help you after he’s helped Grandpa.” Her eyes glitter with the prospect of her dad coming over and being there when she wakes up in the morning.
“Sweetheart, it’ll be too late.” Her shoulders slump in disappointment. She nods. “I’m sorry.”
Emily walks away towards my car.
“Tell her, Daria. Tell her tonight.”
***
Emily was quiet throughout dinner and only spoke when she told me she was going up to her room to have a shower and finish her homework.
This is it. I need to go tell her. I’m about to walk up to her room when my cell beeps. Looking down, I see it's Striker. I don't even want to know how he got my number.
*I want access to MY daughter.*
No sooner have I read the text, another comes through.
*That's not a request!*
Receiving that text from Striker wanting to discuss access to Emily was a shock. I don't want to see him, but I know he has a right to see Emily and get to know her.
How did my life become so complicated?
I shake my head, sighing. Striker can wait. I need to break the news to Emily that her dad and I are getting a divorce and that Jake isn’t her real dad.
“Emily, sweetheart.” I pop my head round her bedroom door. She’s sitting at her desk. I sit on her bed. “What are you doing?”
“Math homework.” She shows no emotion.
Rubbing my hands down my jeans, my nerves get the best of me. “Sweetheart, come sit.”
Placing the pen down, she sighs as she stands to walk over, and sits on her bed beside me.
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