by A A Bavar
Gabriel walked in as the two of them battled across the floor, blades slicing and swishing through the air. He looked calm as usual, but I could feel a sense of urgency in his demeanor. I motioned and he cautiously made his way to the corner where I was standing. He smiled.
“Azrail, Father has made up his mind. Today, we seek the dirt to create Adam!”
I looked at him bewildered. It was frustrating to be the newcomer, and Gabriel almost always forgot that I hadn’t been with them as long and so didn’t know much of what was going on. But I couldn’t blame him. I quickly learned that in order to think, I had to tune him out because he was always talking, mediating or rambling on about something. So, it was quite possible that I had let this tidbit of information slip through the cracks. Thankfully, I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t remember all that he’s talked about in the past either; although it’s pretty much everything. “Adam?”
“Yes! The creation of Man in Father’s image,” Gabriel said excitedly. “Our children to serve on the earth below.”
Lucifer, as he dodged a mighty swing aimed at his head, chimed in, “Serve or bore to death with long-winded, philosophical monologues?” And then added in a more challenging and condescending tone, “A creation likening Father but with a will of its own that will be governed by dam – the blood that is common to every animal.”
I knew that Lucifer was discontented about something, but this was the first time that he openly showed rancor and dissension toward Father. It was shocking, and I was confused but also angered by his lack of respect. Before I could object, however, Michael warned, “Brother, be careful with your tone. It is not worthy of you or us.”
Lucifer deftly jumped on top of the large, oak table in the center of the room that I had made the day before. I cringed, hoping he wouldn’t scratch the surface. “Why? Father made up his mind and we’re supposed to serve this creature. Nothing I say will change that, but I don’t have to agree and I will not serve under it!”
“Luicfer! You will, as will the rest of us.” Michael, overtaken by anger, thrust his sword up slightly more aggressively than usual. But Lucifer parried the blow with a small dagger which he had unobtrusively taken out with his left hand and grinned.
“Now, now, Michael. Let’s not lose our temper again,” he said, and jumped off the table backwards just as Michael’s sword came down hard where he had been standing, its tip gouging the surface as it slashed across.
“Ah… my table,” I moaned in dismay.
With the table momentarily separating the two, Gabriel rushed in and grabbed Michael by the arm. Michael looked sideways at him and his eyes betrayed his thoughts. I could almost hear his mental groan, and although we all knew we were in for a discourse, he respected Gabriel too much to utter a single word and lowered his sword. I, however, couldn’t care less. I had to redo the surface of my table!
“Yes, you are right. Man will be governed by earthly blood and desire. But, Father in his wisdom also gave Man the means to control the desires that live in blood. He gave Man alef, the teachings that will guide Adam and make Man great.” Gabriel looked at Lucifer and smiled warmly.
Apparently, Lucifer was not in a listening mood either, and Gabriel’s explanation was not nearly convincing enough. He chuckled and said, “Alef over the dam. That’s amusing.” And then, he fixed his gaze one-by-one on each of us and said, “You have no idea. You close your eyes to what is in front of you even here, in this room, and spin fairy-tales about the nobleness of what will be Man. In that, you underestimate the power in blood, the essence that sustains life and defines survival. Man will always choose life over death; self over service; himself over his neighbor.” He lifted his sword and pointed it at me. “He’s worried about his table, and you,” as he motioned at Michael, “only care about Father’s praise and your dignity. Trust me, Man will be no different.”
Lucifer’s cynicism shocked me. “But we can teach Man! Guide Man!” I looked at Gabriel and he nodded in agreement, while Michael stood silently observing with his eyes, his rage barely contained. “It’s Father’s wish. You can’t ignore it.”
“Like I said, I will never bow before such toy creatures made of clay.” Lucifer held his sword up like the horizon that was splitting between us, bowed his head and then stowed it. “You can go ahead and try, but in the end even Gabriel will find himself with a dry mouth and nothing to show for it.”
It was a breaking moment, the three of us on one side of the table and Lucifer alone on the other. I wanted to say something that would calm Michael but not in a way that would condone Lucifer’s position. “Come on, Lucifer, we’re brothers. Let’s do this, and then talk about it when we’re more calm.” And added in a meager attempt at humor, “I’ll flip the tabletop, it’s no big deal. We must stick together!”
“Must? That’s an interesting choice of word.” Lucifer pursed his lips, his eyes, lines of pure displeasure. “I think that we are at the crossroads of what is creation, and I will not be a part of it. It seems to me that the next time we meet I’ll need my sword and it won’t be for play.” With that, he nonchalantly flicked his dagger at the table. It sank into the center of a knot resembling a bull’s-eye with a resounding thud as he disappeared.
FOUR
The world below us was in creation. Earth, water and fire collided, tore at each other and exploded as the continents ripped and split apart. It was a vicious and unmerciful show of power, a reminder of what was in charge. Explosions sent melting volcanic matter into the air in every direction like red, smoldering spears as plumes of hot smoke rose around us. Mother Earth roared continuously through the chaos and destruction making talking an impossibility. The view over the intense physical assault, however, was breathtaking. I looked down and one thing was clear. Through destruction comes transformation and change; a change that I was not fully ready for.
Michael, Gabriel and I hovered at the peak of a newly formed mountain, its jagged edges razor sharp and steaming. None of this seemed to faze my brothers as they looked on unconcerned, ready for duty. But not me. Maybe they didn’t take Lucifer’s threat seriously, or took it as something that he said in the heat of the moment. But I didn’t think so. Lucifer never said anything that he didn’t mean, and he always followed through. And if I knew that, then Michael and Gabriel did, too. The turmoil below reflected my feelings. What was it that was tearing us apart? Was it us or Lucifer? Maybe he would reconsider.
“Hey, I said we’re going in,” shouted Michael, as he grabbed me forcefully by the arm. “Gabriel will get the clay and I’ll go as protection. You stay here and keep watch.”
I stared at Michael blankly for an instant. His voice sounded like a strange rumble and the words didn’t make sense. But then it hit me and I felt a wave of resentment and anger. “Stay here and watch? Watch what?”
Michael moved closer and with his mouth practically in my ear, yelled, “I said keep watch! Not watch us. Gabriel talked to Father, so he should be the one to go in – and, he’s the better negotiator.”
With that, Michael tapped Gabriel on the shoulder and they dived toward the inferno below and were almost immediately swallowed by the smoke and ashes that filled the air. I knew what Michael wanted me to watch for; Lucifer. I guess he was just as concerned as me that he would try to stop us. Us? Not yet, not for me.
I twisted my head around in frustration and decided to move a bit higher, away from all the noise and heat. In my gut, I felt robbed of the chance to show my brothers and Father that I was ready.
“Not fun to be left out, is it?”
I heard Lucifer's silky voice without any trouble, and the manner in which his tone slithered through my mind sent a shiver down my spine. It was like it was in my head. I quickly spun around, but he wasn’t there.
“Oh don’t worry, brother, you won’t be seeing me down there. I’m bored with all this and love my wings too much to subject myself to Mother Earth’s nasty tantrum. You don’t seem too happy yourself.”
“What do you want, Lucifer?”
“I don’t want anything. But you do.”
Lucifer had an uncanny ability to read me, and it was unnerving. It was true that I wasn’t happy and wanted my own space and the respect of my brothers, but I knew that would come in time. I would get my chance. What I didn’t know, was that to spot a snake, you had to be a bit of a snake yourself. I tried to close my mind and push him out, but he was too strong.
“You’re nothing but a shadow to Michael and a simple apprentice to Gabriel. Come join me and be your own Lord. There will be a big world for us to command!”
“What?” Lucifer’s offer was an insult to me; a piercing betrayal. Why did he even consider that I would agree when this made it clear that the rift was with him, within himself? Did he really believe that I would desert Father and forsake my brothers for a title? If nothing else, I had integrity, and he would have to answer to Father for this. “Never!”
“Yes, I heard your whiny mental speech, but I’m not answering to anyone. Not anymore. Not ever.”
Suddenly, the world underneath ruptured, opening a gorge filled with a glowing fiery mass. Michael and Gabriel shot out, expelled like insignificant little fireballs completely covered with soot. Worst yet, their wings were singed and black. I folded mine behind me and dived, sunlight reflecting off my bleach white feathers and gold trim. I was determined to succeed where they failed. Then, Lucifer would have to contend with me.
To my surprise, the opening started to shrink immediately, and I was too far to make it in time before it closed, but I wasn’t giving up. Michael and Gabriel were right below me waving their arms frenetically, signaling me to go faster, as I spiraled down with maximum speed. I had never flown with so much intensity, but it still wasn’t going to be enough. And then I got it, they weren’t urging me on, they wanted me to stop! What, they thought I couldn’t make it because they failed? I tucked my arms and wings beside me as tightly as possible and twisted my body into a corkscrew dive; it was all or nothing extreme diving. Everything became a blur as I shot down towards my target. The exhilaration made me forget about myself, and I thundered past my burnt brothers straight into the heart of the chaos. It was like hitting a stone wall. The explosions were bone crunching, and the intense heat burned my wings as I crashed through invisible shockwave after shockwave, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. My brothers hadn’t made it past this point, but I would. I was going to succeed.
With a final push, I smashed through the molten crust, my muscles screaming in pain as my skeleton almost shattered from within. Fire and lava attacked me from every direction, burning and scorching my body as I thrust my right hand into the melting clay, but when I pulled my fist out it was empty. The skin on my hand and fingers was charred and blistered, but I tried again and again, and was denied every time. I looked down at my right hand and could see the white of bone and the horror of the abuse made me cry, the pain unbearable. “Why? Why are you denying me?” I switched hands and stubbornly tried once again without success. There was no way, I had to stop. I was burning alive and my wings were reduced to nothing but their skeletal frame. “Mother, help me!”
Suddenly, I felt an unusual cool and there was no more physical agony. I was floating in an ethereal state, and it reminded me of my existence before I was born into my body. It felt good to be disconnected from the material world, and if this was death, then I welcomed it. But I knew that it wasn’t. I’m not sure why or how, but she had accepted me, and I had become part of something bigger. Life was not something to take for granted, and she had made that clear. But that wasn’t all. She wanted something in return, a guarantee that her investment in Man was not in vain and that Man would remember and respect her. It required commitment – my commitment, and compromise from Man. I thought that I understood, and as the words left my mouth I reached down and grabbed a fistful of clay, “… earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust …” It was a contract, forever binding, and a commitment to Man that would test and eventually destroy me.
FIVE
I thought that my return to health would take a long time, and was especially worried about my hand and wings. After all, I was never hurt before and this time managed to cause myself intense damage. The image of my hand and fingers, the skin reduced to charcoal and the sight of my bare bones was something that haunted me when I closed my eyes. To my surprise, however, my recovery was astonishingly quick. More impressive, yet was my transformation. I looked older, more mature and my new wings were jet black with a royal blue sheen and silver tips. Even my eyes now had a blue glow to them which reflected the intensity of my mood and made me look more unearthly. It all made me feel more distinguished, and although not what we consider a heavenly quality, my heart filled with pride, and for a fleeting moment I thought of myself as The Angel of Life. That’s what I had become; I had found my place with my brothers. But almost immediately, my gut told me that I was wrong, and Father proved it.
I’m not sure what I expected to happen when Father finally called to me. A glowing orb of yellow light surrounding me and trumpets sounding as I drifted to heaven with my prize, who knows? I was young, proud and wanted a pat on the shoulder for a job well done. No thoughts of service is what you do as an angel even hinted to cross my mind. I wanted recognition from Father and the respect of my brothers. But what came next was shocking and a true lesson in humility. How ironic that I was right about my title, but mistaken about its context, for in reality, I had become the Angel of Death. That was my reward for accomplishing the one task that the other archangels had failed to do. Father gave me his most prized possession, the soul of Man to guard and care for. However, I didn’t fully understand the significance of it or what that title really meant. But Lucifer did, and I soon felt its weight crash on my shoulders and almost break me on Mount Qasioun.
SIX
I was young and full of energy and felt more invincible than ever. After all, I triumphed where my brothers failed and it felt good; even if momentarily I chose to forget about Lucifer and our conversation. I remember strutting about with a stupid grin on my face, thinking how intimidating and cool it was to be the Angel of Death. But what did I know? What did any of us know about life and creation?
We were so naïve. That is, all of us except for Lucifer. Michael didn’t say much, but I could tell that he was excited and anxious to serve and protect. As for Gabriel, he spent the days philosophizing about the wonderfulness of creation and spun visions – or should I say dreams, because although founded in truth, they were mere illusions – of a majestic, harmonious, and unified civilization that lived to serve and venerate Father. I shared that vision, Man created in the image of Father with holy attributes, and saw myself as the gatekeeper to his soul. But Lucifer had his own plans. His vision was quite the opposite and he didn’t lose any time in putting it into action. Basically, we were gunning for the same trophy and he had the edge.
The Tree of Life, with the souls of the living as its leaves, was the central piece of that illusion. In my mind, it was full of enchantment and had a celestial aura that soothed any beholder while inspiring humbleness. That was because I had never seen death and, consequently, had never stopped to think about it; but in the back of my mind it would be noble and dignified. How wrong could I be?
Standing in Father’s garden on that fateful day, I was overwhelmed and confused. My eyes were fixed on a brown and withered leaf that was on the ground under the Tree of Life. It was my first encounter with death, and it was way too soon; and as I would soon realize, way too wrong. I walked to the tree and slowly kneeled down. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as a strange coldness took me over. What I would have given at that moment to rescind my position. Slowly, I picked up the leaf. As we made contact, there was a flash of golden light, and the name of the person whose soul I had to retrieve appeared on it. I felt sick to my stomach as my heart fluttered in my chest.
“How Father? How can this be?”
SEVEN
The Syrian sky was clear and magnificently blue, the sunlight warm and comfortable on my skin. It was my first time back on earth after that iconic day when I faced Mother Earth, and once again I was alone in my journey. It was a goddamned lonely job when it was time to do the dirty work. Not that I knew any of this then, but then age and wisdom can also be a curse. Time had no meaning or essence for me; it could be a day, a century or a thousand years and I wouldn’t know it. Every image, every memory, was as fresh as the moment it happened and I had to deal with it no matter how I felt or what I thought. My feelings this time, however, were very different. Gone was the excitement of the challenge, the adventure, an opportunity for recognition, its place now filled with a mixture of fear and revolt. I didn’t want to be there, and surely, didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. But this was the job that I had anxiously signed on to do, and today was simply my first day at work.
The dirt path ahead of me, the only road to the village of Damascus, was a one way street to the beginning of a new destiny. I stood there and watched the beautiful blue sky – the golden ocean of chest-high wheat shoots, and the gentle breeze that caused them to sway in harmonious waves, with as much abandon as I could muster because this view would never be the same. I looked down at my silver tunic with its accented gold trim, my jewel studded leather belt and sandals, and my white and silver cape trimmed in black; and suddenly, I was furious. How could I look so clean, so alive and serene when death was laying around the corner? Didn’t Father care? Didn’t Mother care? Didn’t life care? Could I be so callus and selfish to give up? No! If this was to be the suicide of life and nobility, then the wheat fields needed an eternal marker. With that, as if on cue, a murder of crows suddenly appeared and for an instant the day turned black. I focused on one and as it flew past saw the white pinpoint in its eye and for a fleeting moment, the whole sky was covered with white starry dots. I smiled and looked on as they flew overhead, following the path through the fields of wheat, painting an image that remained solely with me until Man did it justice; and he did. My decision was not in vain. I had to go on.