I finally bite the bullet, swallow hard, and after another glance at the curtain, ask: “Aiden?”
I know her too well for her to hide her feelings from me. Maybe nobody else in the world would spot the minute twitch of her right eye that gives away her anger, but I see it straight away, standing out so much it might as well be a giant red flag waving in my face.
I screw my eyes closed tight. Valerie’s arms are around me immediately, but they’re wrong. The wrong arms. The right arms are attached to a man who is God-knows-where. And who could blame him?
I let her hold me for a while, and I cling to her while I try to stop myself bawling and attempt to realign my thoughts, away from Aiden’s absence and back to what’s going on right here, right now. I need to be preparing myself mentally for whatever is ahead of me. But as hard as I try, Aiden is all I can think about.
“What did he say?” I ask, when I feel like I can talk without sobbing.
“Nothing,” she says, immediately. I don’t even need to wonder if she’s telling the truth. She always has. “He looked shell-shocked. He stood there in the little room with the doctor, staring at the wall. Distant. She said one of us needed to come in, so when he wasn’t moving I did. Sorry, Pip, I just couldn’t bear the thought of you in here alone, after the doctor told us what had happened.”
“Aiden obviously could, though,” I say, bitterly.
“You can’t worry about that right now,” she says. “You’ve got other things to think about. And for all you know, he’s outside, waiting to get in. The doctor said only one of us could come in. He’s probably just gone to get a coffee or something.”
“Yeah,” I say. I’m not convinced, but there’s definitely a part of me that refuses to believe he’d leave me here, alone, about to have his baby. Unless he thinks it’s not his baby. Or I’ve really misjudged him.
“Can I borrow your phone to text him, just in case?” I ask. “They’ve taken my stuff to the maternity unit.”
“Out of battery,” she says, with an apologetic look. “Sorry, Pips. I’ll go find your phone as soon as we get to the other ward, alright?”
I nod, sighing.
The curtains open again and I look up eagerly, only to have my hopes dashed when a hospital porter enters, pushing a wheelchair.
“Phillippa Long?” he asks.
“Pippa,” Valerie and I say together.
“Pippa,” says the porter with a nod, and he pushes the wheelchair out a little, toward me. “Your chariot awaits.”
I get down cautiously from the bed while Val gathers the magazines and unconsumed food from the bedside table, and we make our way to the maternity unit.
Aiden
When I walk into my apartment, Dave has arrived. He and Lexi are decorating a Christmas tree in the corner. Winter Wonderland is playing quietly in the background, there’s an open bottle of wine on the coffee table and a couple of half-drunk glasses beside it. Dave is standing with his arms stretched out either side of him and a tangled mess of tree lights connecting them, and Lexi is threading strings through baubles, ready to hang them. When she sees me, she gets to her feet and walks over.
“How is she?” she asks.
I know I’m white as a sheet. If I look even half as addled as I feel, then what Lexi’s seeing is nothing good.
“Jesus, Aiden. What happened?”
“You got a tree,” I say. I know it’s the most ridiculous thing I could say, but how the hell do I find the words to explain everything to them? There’s a baby on the way. And by baby on the way, I mean right now. I’m going to be a father. And I managed to get myself kicked out of the hospital and banned for 24 hours. Oh, and just in case you needed a fairy on top, I doubt Pippa will ever want to see me again.
“Dev called and told us about Pippa being sick,” says Dave, dropping the lights in a bundled mess on the floor. He walks over beside Lexi. “So we went and picked one up. Dude, what’s wrong?”
I look up at him and manage a weak smile. I haven’t seen him in months. He’s grown a full beard and he looks good, apart from the frown of concern on his face.
“Uh,” I say, reaching up and raking a hand through my hair. “She… uh. She’s in labor,” I blurt, finally.
They both freeze stock still, much like I did at the hospital, and I watch them both as the news seeps in and then realisation dawns on them. Dave’s eyes narrow, and I already know that he’s mentally counting the months since March.
“Then… why are you here?” says Lexi, eventually.
A glance at the half-decorated Christmas tree makes my top lip curl up in disgust. It should have been Pippa and I doing this. Standing here in this room, carefree, sipping wine and laughing and untangling Christmas lights.
“Because I’m a fucking idiot,” I say, grabbing a bottle of whisky from the kitchen counter and pouring a large measure.
“Aiden… you didn’t leave her there?” asks Lexi. I take some comfort from her disbelieving tone.
“Not by choice,” I say, throwing the whisky down my throat and pouring more.
I don’t look up. I already know what expressions they’ll be wearing if I do. They’ll have that half-concern, half-pity look that I haven’t seen for years, and I can’t bear to see it again. I’d rather stare into the bottom of my whisky glass. Just like last time.
“Mate,” says Dave. “Tell us what happened.”
I rub my face with my hands to try to push out some of the pathetic self-pity and force myself to talk. I tell them about the farm, about her collapsing in pain.
“Oh!” Lexi interjects. “Something similar happened when I was with her at the studio. She doubled over with a sharp pain in her tummy.”
“And you didn’t mention it?” I say, looking at her aghast.
“No. Sorry.” She frowns, regretfully. “I was so focused on the fact that I’d told her about Sophie. It slipped my mind.”
I’d usually flinch at the mention of Sophie’s name, or feel a wave of grief, or guilt. None of that happens this time. I’m laser-focused on Pippa, on our baby, on the fact that I’m not there.
I carry on, telling Dave and Lexi all about the hospital, the endless stream of nurses, the doctor. They’re probably the only two people in the world who understand the way I feel in hospitals, so I tell them all of it. I tell them about Valerie, and that I froze, that I panicked, that by the time I got back to Pippa’s cubicle she was gone. I tell them about the mad dash to the maternity unit, the crone at the reception desk, the security guards.
“Jesus,” says Dave. I guess he instinctively understands how it must have felt for me, being refused entry. It was him who dealt with most of the fallout when I was turned away from visiting Sophie.
“At least she’s not alone, anyway,” says Lexi, and I have to admit that is a silver lining. Valerie might be mad at me right now, but I trust her, and there’s some comfort in knowing that there’s someone standing where I should be.
“So, they banned me for 24 hours,” I tell them both. It seems like a good moment to throw back the second shot, so I do. The burn sinks down behind my sternum, and I welcome it like an old friend.
“So my baby is going to be born to the woman I’ve fallen head over heels in love with, and I’m not going to be there. I’ve tried her phone about thirty times, but it keeps ringing out. If she ever forgives me for this, it’ll be a mira—”
“We’ll see about that,” says Lexi, interrupting me. She’s suddenly striding across the room. She grabs her coat and Dave’s from the stand beside the elevator, and throws Dave’s to him. He just about catches it and turns to give me a questioning look.
“Lexi, they kicked me out,” I say, shaking my head.
“And when did a little hurdle like that ever stop a Coleman?” she asks.
Bless this woman and praise whatever gods saw fit to make her my sister. I can feel a sudden bloom of hope rising up in me, a swelling warmth that pushes me to my feet and makes me believe, for just long enough, that I c
an salvage something out of this mess. And then, a sinking feeling.
“Dev will have taken the car home,” I say.
“Dev doesn’t have snow tyres, mate,” says Dave, pulling his keys out of his pocket and jangling them in front of me.
I don’t need any more persuading. I beat them both to the elevator, and inside a minute we’re in Dave’s truck.
The snow is really coming down, now. There are hardly any cars on the roads now, partly because it’s late on Christmas Eve and partly because fat, fluffy snowflakes and white-out roads are making it difficult to see and difficult to drive. Dave is right at home, easily picking his way along the snow-laden roads while humming along to the Christmas tunes that float out of the radio.
I’m staring out of the window again, anxious, my leg bouncing up and down on the ball of my foot. I think back to the hospital, to the pain Pippa was in, to the way I felt when the doctor said she was having a baby. I keep coming back to one moment, though: when the nurse congratulated me.
“I’m going to be a father,” I say out loud.
Lexi turns around in the front passenger seat and Dave looks at me in the rearview. They’re both smiling.
“I love her, guys,” I say.
“We know!” says Lexi.
“No shit!” says Dave, at the same time. “We’ve been waiting for you to catch up.”
“Oh, hey! Dave, stop, man. Just for a minute.”
He doesn’t ask any questions. He pulls in at the side of the road and half-turns in his seat.
“Back in a minute,” I say, and, leaving them both there looking perplexed, I head out into the snow and toward a department store that is, miraculously, still open.
There aren’t many people left inside at this time, so I have the run of the place. I’m desperate to get to the hospital to see Pippa, so my shopping spree is a mad dash through the baby section and the ladies’ clothing section, and a quick pit-stop at the jewelry counter, where I leave a very confused, very bewildered assistant in my wake. With a couple of grand rung up on my card, I head back out, put the packages in the trunk, and shove a giant teddy bear into the back seat of the truck before I get in behind it.
Lexi and Dave are looking at me as though my mind has finally snapped.
“What?” I ask, holding up my hands as if to plead my innocence. “Just a few necessities.”
Once we’re out of the city traffic, the run is smooth and fast. We soon arrive at the hospital and manage to find a parking space near the main entrance. From inside the car, Lexi nods toward it.
“Same guard?” she asks.
“Yeah. There were two of them earlier, though. I guess the other one’s finished, or on a break or something.”
“Okay, here’s the plan,” says Lexi, and starts to explain to Dave and I what’s going to happen.
A few minutes later, Lexi is out of the car and sashaying through the snow, wearing her huge fake-fur coat and a pair of sunglasses that cover half her face. Dave and I have split off to opposite sides of the hospital, making our way stealthily through the car park so that the guard doesn’t see us. I peek out from behind the corner nearest the entrance on my side, waiting for my cue. From my vantage point, the guard looks bored. That’s a good sign.
“OH MY GOD!”
Dave’s voice rings out, loud and unmistakable.
“Lexi! Lexi Coleman? Oh, man, I’m a HUGE fan!”
Around the corner, I have to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. The plan is ridiculous, and something that only Lexi would’ve come up with - and it just might work. Even if it doesn’t, the temporary reprieve from feeling on-edge is a relief.
Unable to resist, I peek out again. They’ve already caught the guard’s attention. I can see him looking between Lexi and Dave, trying to fathom what’s going on. He’s probably trying to figure out who Lexi actually is and whether he recognizes her.
“HUGE fan!” says Dave, approaching Lexi from the other side of the doors. “Can I get an autograph?” he asks, and he gets right up close, inside her personal space.
Lexi, right on cue, takes a step back, looking uncomfortable and glancing to the security guard. I could probably get through the door without him noticing by now, but I decide to wait a bit longer to be on the safe side.
“Lexi, please?” says Dave, and grabs at the sleeve of her coat.
“UGH! Get away from me, creep!” Lexi says, feigning disgust and giving Dave a shove.
This is provocation enough for the guard—the bigger of the two from earlier—to step away from the door and head towards the pair of them, yelling: “Hey!”
I don’t wait a second longer. As soon as he’s away from the entrance, I slip inside and head quickly toward the maternity unit, following the same, brightly colored signs as earlier.
The closer I get to the unit and to Pippa, the faster my feet carry me. I ease up when I get to the corner just before the reception desk comes into view, and my heart skips a beat with pure joy when I realize there’s been a shift change. Pinch-Face is nowhere to be seen. Instead, a plump and pleasant young nurse sits there, thumbing through her phone.
“Hey,” I say. My heart is pounding now. Pippa is just beyond those doors.
“Hello,” says the nurse, placing her phone down on the desk in front of her.
“I’m here to see Pippa Long,” I say. I don’t feel like I quite manage to hit the casual tone I’m going for, especially while the sound of my heart is hammering rhythmically in my ears, but the nurse doesn’t seem to notice anything off.
“Long,” she says, clacking away at the keyboard at breakneck speed.
“Ah,” she says. “The doctor’s just doing the rounds, but if you take a seat in the waiting area, I’ll call you when you can go in.”
It takes every shred of self-control I possess to smile and nod, and head for the waiting room just off the corridor. I can’t risk being kicked out again. I can’t risk squandering this chance to let Pippa know exactly how I feel.
Five minutes later, Lexi appears at the door.
“Hey,” she says as she steps into the waiting room. Dave comes in after her, struggling to carry the huge teddy bear and several bags that I got from the department store.
“You shop like a woman,” he says, dropping everything onto the floor in front of me.
“How did you get away?” I ask.
“Pretended it was a misunderstanding,” says Lexi, pulling the ridiculous sunglasses from her face. “And then took him to one side to discuss an upcoming feature about blue-collar workers and their daily struggles, for which he would of course be a perfect fit, while Dave grabbed the stuff from the truck and snuck inside.”
I laugh, impressed once again by her moxie. “ Of course you did.”
“Of course she did,” says Dave.
“Well, we’re in, aren’t we?” says Lexi, smiling, and I have to concede that her plan worked perfectly.
Now that we’re here, sitting in the waiting room, I keep feeling pangs of nervous energy splaying out through my chest. Lexi and Dave sit and chat, Dave teasing Lexi about her “pointless celebrity rag” and Lexi teasing Dave about being a neanderthal up on his snowy mountain. I keep slipping my hand into my pocket and fidgeting with the small box I got from the jewelry counter in the department store, and nervously glancing out of the door every time footsteps approach, only to be disappointed when it’s just a random nurse or maintenance worker passing by.
“Taking their time, aren’t they?” says Lexi, when we’ve been sitting there for ten minutes.
“Doctors’ rounds,” I say, clipped. “Don’t even know what’s happening.” The tingling energy in my legs gets too much, and I stand up and start pacing.
“Aiden!”
I spin around at the sound of Valerie’s voice, and she’s standing in the doorway, staring at me. Or glaring. I can’t tell which, right away, and I don’t have enough mental energy set aside to think about it.
“Is she alright?” I ask.
“Oh, wow,” she says. “Lexi Coleman! I love your site—I’ve read you since you were just a blog.”
Lexi beams at her, and I recall Pippa telling me that Valerie was a fan of Wirl. I only know Valerie as a consummate professional from work, so it’s strange to see her standing there with a huge, fan-girl grin on her face. I take it as a good sign that Pippa is well, at least.
“Dave,” says Dave, filling the silence. He leans forward to shake Valerie’s hand.
“What’s happening?” I ask. I know it comes out as a demand, and the look on Valerie’s face is not appreciative, but my store of patience and moderation is running low. I see her gaze shift quickly to the huge teddy bear sitting in the corner of the waiting room, and the assortment of bags that have baby clothes and ladies’ pajamas spilling out of them. Her expression softens a bit.
“She’s alright. It’s starting to sink in now. She was in labor, but it’s stalled,” says Valerie. Lexi, Dave and I all stare at her, silently listening. “There are no signs of distress, but the doctor says they’re going to give her some medicine to get things moving again, since she seems to be full term and there are risks if they don’t. I just came out to get a drink.” She nods at the vending machine at the side of the waiting room. “She’s been wondering where you’ve been,” she says, deadpan. I can discern nothing from her tone.
“The doctor’s gone now?” I ask, feeling my pulse pick up again.
As soon as she nods, I’m out of there. I grab the teddy and squeeze past her, out into the corridor, and run to the reception desk.
“Pippa Long?” I say to the nurse.
She looks up and smiles at me, her lips twitching amusedly at the teddy I’m carrying that’s half my size. Her hand shifts and there’s a low, sharp buzzing sound as the door unlocks. I feel like I’ve won some sort of tournament.
“Just at the end of the corridor,” she says. “On the right.”
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