Liberation Unleashed

by Ilona Ciunaite

  You may think that this recognition comes as a grand awakening experience, but it can be so subtle, nearly unnoticeable at first, until you start to notice the implications. So don’t look for a big bang that may or may not happen. Recognition is not a special elevated state. Don’t wait for a special feeling, because recognition may be pretty ordinary and pass unnoticed.

  At Liberation Unleashed we use the term “Gateless Gate,” borrowed from Zen tradition, to describe a Gate that does not exist; there is literally nothing in the way to the here and now, but for a spiritual seeker there appears to be a solid wall that needs to be broken through in order to find the happy ever after. Crossing the Gateless Gate is an opening to further exploration; it’s not a “done” point but rather the single-most important recognition of emptiness, after which life is no longer the same. It’s not just the end of another chapter in life’s journey, it’s the end of a book. Then a new book starts.

  When a child recognizes that Santa was never real, a belief about the magical superbeing falls away; the child gets that the mystery of presents is no longer a mystery but a belief in a fairy tale—no more than that. The child can no longer believe in Santa; no matter how convincing the parents may be, the child knows it was a trick. It may be a disappointing, shattering event, but even then Christmas and presents can still be enjoyed, the game can still be played, but no one gets fooled by it anymore. Now the child can tell other kids about this realization and, in turn, the little believers-in-magic can see the truth of Santa. It does not mean that “no Santa” replaces Santa. The bubble bursts with a silent pop. That’s all.

  Sacha

  What follows is a conversation I had on the Ruthless Truth forum in 2011. It was the first conversation I had on a forum with anyone. For me it started the journey of Direct Pointing and Liberation Unleashed. This was a little spark that ignited the fire that excited me enough to carry on, to share, and to sound the wake-up call louder. Sacha was great; our chat happened over two days, and on the third day he saw. He was as ready to look as it gets and was relentless. Soon after this conversation, Sacha started to point, and he became a great guide; a dedicated, key member of Liberation Unleashed; and a beautiful friend.

  Ilona: I’ll help with all I got, just bring yourself to me; let’s examine this together.

  Sacha: The last few days have been quite interesting. Examining, for the first time really, the notion and experience of self, of me. I’m a bit puzzled by the fact that the assumption of self has been left unscrutinized for so many years and amazed by the ease with which any notion of self is dissolved by asking if that notion is really true.

  So you asked me to bring myself to you for further examination. Problem is, I can’t really find a self when looking for it. Yet, something seems to be holding me back, as if I cannot really accept the fact that there might actually be no one there.

  I would describe the place I’m at as clinging to a very vague, yet very intimate and familiar “sense of self.”

  Ilona: Hi Sacha! Let’s see.

  The sense of being is the same as it has always been and always will be. That is the basic “I am” awareness. That is the only true thing that I know. I am.

  Let this be and have a look at the individual self. You say that you cannot find it. Describe what it is you find when looking for the self. What is holding you back is fear—the fear that there is no you. Can you examine the fear? See if you notice what it is protecting.

  If there is no one here, then no one needs protection, right?

  Now look at life through the lens of no self and see what you notice. Does life need a manager in a form of you?

  Or is it happening all by itself?

  Sacha: I can find nothing (real) at all, that’s the silly thing about this. The question I’ve been asking myself is, What is meant when I say “I”? Not the body, not the mind, not the totality of body-mind, not the brain, nor a special organ in the brain. These are obviously not what I refer to when I say “I.” So then, less physical notions of self appear: an incorporeal ghost inhabiting this body (a soul of sorts) and so forth. But these kinds of ideas are highly speculative and really don’t make any sense at all.

  So I understand that what I call the self is really nothing more than an idea, or a cluster of ideas that have reality only in the domain of thought.

  What is holding you back is fear—the fear that there is no you. Can you examine the fear? See if you notice what it is protecting.

  You are right about the fear that comes up in this process. This fear is felt very distinctly as a physical sensation, as if a knot is being tightened in the area of the stomach. A nauseating and overwhelming feeling. What is it protecting? I guess a sense of “being in control”—no, I’m sure of it actually—the tightness is attempting to create a barrier between a weak, scared, fragile self that wants to keep the other at a safe distance. There is fear of being seen naked, of being vulnerable to criticism, ridicule, of “being found out.” Funny thing, come to think of it, is that this fear has always been the fear of being found out as a fraud. I’ve never really understood where this fear came from, but it is beginning to make some more sense now.

  At this particular moment, the fear mainly revolves around the control issue. Afraid to relinquish control, afraid of becoming a vegetable, a zombie, of not being able to take care of myself and family.

  If there is no one here, then no one needs protection, right?

  That makes sense. It is not experienced as such, however.

  Now look at life through the lens of no self and see what you notice. Does life need a manager in a form of you?

  Or is it happening all by itself?

  I can see how ridiculous the notion of a me controlling life is—but the reluctance and resistance to really consider the idea that there has never been nor ever will be an individual self is pretty strong. This creates tension, because the longing for the truth of this is getting more intense by the day.

  Thanks for taking the time to examine this with me.

  Ilona: Thank you for answering with honesty and taking the time to examine it.

  Let’s deal with the fear first. It is a very understandable fear of not being in control. It is scary to let go, of course. But fear is here for a reason—protection. Can you honor that fear? Just look at it as a powerful mechanism and honor it. It does its job. It’s okay. You can let it go. You have never been in control. It’s easy to let go when you see that there has never been an option to control what is.

  Fear of being caught as a fraud—right on. Self is a fraud; the mind pretended it was real and forgot that it wasn’t!

  Resistance is also part of a mechanism in the system that protects imaginary self from harm. Only in the mind.

  Life was never given to us, we can never own it, simply because life expresses as us before we express as life. Not two. The life force that moves an animal is the same life force that moves plants and human bodies. Somehow there grows an assumption that it is the “I” that is the one that moves and thinks. It is in the system until examined and seen for being the fraud that it is—the core fraud upon which beliefs build a castle for ego and which sets in motion all kinds of protection.

  Truth is simple—life is.

  If truth is all you want—look, it’s in front of your eyes! There is no separate life force that moves the separate body. There is no thinker, no watcher, but experience happening. Now.

  Now look at the idea that there really is no you; it’s okay, whatever fear comes up, acknowledge, honor, and let go.

  Look closer. Is it possible? Is it true?

  Sacha: I want to look a little bit closer at this fear. You say that it is there for a reason and that it does its job. Its job of what: Of protecting something that doesn’t exist at all? That seems strange.

  I can see that what is trying to hide behind these walls is nothing substantial at all, but what I do not understand is how, where, when, and why this mistake was made in the first place. Why is th
is organism fighting to protect something that does not exist? Perhaps it doesn’t really matter and this is another distraction that keeps me from really looking at this.

  I feel a little bit stuck at the moment. You tell me to look more closely at the idea that there is no me. You ask: Is it true?

  I understand that it must be—still, I do not really see how it could be so.

  Ilona: You don’t need to know and understand everything about the wall in order to demolish it. Just look at what it is inside that resists the idea that there is no you.

  Locate the idea, look at it, and see it for what it is—a belief planted in a mind in a form of thought.

  There is no “you” that is separate from life. The idea of separation is just a belief.

  How would the world look without this belief?

  Observe and notice what comes up.

  Sacha: Well, it would mean the end of struggling, grasping, trying to understand, defending, and attacking. The end of desperately trying to control each and every detail of a situation in order to prevent me from feeling bad about myself. It would mean the end of avoiding situations that could possibly lead to “me being found out as a fraud.”

  If there is no me, if that me has always been only a thought, then that would mean freedom, for sure. Life would just be as it is, it would be accepted without conditions. Oh, I will only show myself if such-and-such conditions are there in order for me to feel safe and secure. It would mean that the searching for a “true self” or “higher self” (whatever that means) would make no sense at all. Dealing with life would not be postponed until an ideal situation has been actualized.

  Life would just be lived, I guess. Not suffered by a separated being.

  I can see that, Ilona, and I feel the truth of it. It seems as if I just have to muster up the courage to jump into the truth of it.

  Earlier this morning, having breakfast with my son, playing with him, bathing him, and even now sitting here typing these words, I cannot find a separate self that is doing it, an entity making choices and deciding what actions are taken. There is no effort in any of this. What does still remain, however, is this nagging sense of being stuck somewhere, of holding back.

  Although looking at this knot, right now, at the tightness and the constriction of it, already seems to loosen it. Instead of feeling hard and immovable, it can be felt as warmth. I’ll sit with this for a while.

  You have some more ideas on how to let this go?

  Ilona: Trust that all you know about life is not what it is.

  Then just look.

  What is going on?

  I can see that the knot is loosening. Good. Now step forward. No “you”—there never was. See it. Let the seeing happen. There really is no you to let it happen. Just watch it unfold.

  Sacha: Okay. I can let the fear go by just letting it be as it is. It is fully experienced, seen to have no actual content, and then it dissolves. That’s great and I thank you for looking at this with me, but that’s not really important, is it?

  What remains is a very quiet mind and a sensation of being detached. I cannot keep the eyes open, so they close. There is the distinct experience of the space of awareness growing larger and larger. Thoughts arise, but there is no one creating them, they simply emerge, triggered by a sound, a sensation, whatever. The senses receive information and it is registered, sometimes leading to associations or memories.

  Any action taken either just happens spontaneously or is preceded by a thought. The sense of expansion and detachment is striking, really, but it is still exactly that: the experience of observing phenomena.

  It’s as if I’m waiting for some dramatic falling away of this sense of separation. Does that make sense to you?

  Ilona: There won’t be dramatic change, no angelic trumpets, and no bright lights in the eyes. The shift is very subtle. It may be that looking back you won’t even know when it really happened.

  You are seeing it already, just the mind says no; it’s like being used to one thing and expecting that to change.

  With your eyes closed, is there a feeling of separation? Focus on that for a while—give yourself space to do this.

  When the eyes are open all mental processes kick in and labeling starts. It’s just thoughts registering what’s going on. But you don’t need to believe thoughts anymore!

  Just relax for a bit and forget everything. Take a break, if possible get out in nature; outside, watch the body breathing and notice that it breathes with and without a watcher.

  Report what you find.

  Sacha: Excellent idea! Could really use some extra oxygen at this point.

  I’ll report back later.

  Later…

  What to say?

  Something has shifted completely this afternoon. I can honestly say that the self, my self, does not exist, has never existed. It has always been nothing more than a thought, an imagined journey to an imagined goal that was bound for utter failure.

  As a matter of fact, life happens quite successfully without someone living it.

  So no halo or wings? Or is that the next level? Where do I sign up for that? ;)

  There’s still a bit of a rush and an elevated heart rhythm as these words appear—it’s quite amazing how vibrant and alive everything is now. The body is literally shaking with energy. The perceptual shift that has occurred is indeed quite simple and subtle, but it cannot be missed. The fact that there is no self is very, very visible. There is just this, experience, no individual being experiencing it, judging it, trying to influence it in any way. How could that be possible?

  The sense of self is still there, as are all memories, thoughts. Everything is exactly as it was. There is just a clear seeing of the fact that there is no me involved in all of this.

  Had to lie down for a bit as waves and waves of heat flushed through the body. Feverish almost. What is this?

  I think it’s a good idea to let this settle for a bit. Any feedback on this?

  Ilona: Seems like you opened your eyes for the first time. :)

  Relax, rest, and let it settle…and then write a big post about what you see. Explore a bit further, see with new eyes, share what you see.

  Yeah, no trumpets, but it’s way better than that!

  Sacha: I’m happy to announce that I have not turned into a vegetable.

  Also, I have not suddenly gained supernatural powers. I would like to speak to the management about this.

  Kidding aside, I understand that it is customary for newly liberated people to write up a big post about their experiences. I’ll give it my best shot.

  It is difficult to pinpoint “the shift” to a particular moment. In retrospect it is more like a process that took a couple of days, a process of a misconception—“there is a (real) self”—being seen for what is. Reading some of the material on this forum, some of the associated blogs, and really taking time to seriously examine the notion of self was a very helpful preparation for the letting go. And it is quite simple, really. What is asked is to simply, quietly, and without interruption look at all the assumptions, beliefs, and conceptions of the idea of “you,” the one living your life, the sailor that steers your boat on the ocean of existence, so to speak.

  Looking at this, really looking at this question, “What is referred to when I speak/think of ‘me,’” is a big taboo. It is seen as either a pubescent attempt to find one’s place in the world or a deluded question asked by people with mental problems, or new age softies. It is considered to be self-evident and in no need of further scrutiny.

  Well, it is [in need of scrutiny]. There is nothing there. Absolutely nothing. Never has been and never will. Void, emptiness, nothing at all. Just a messy knot of unchecked assumptions, memories, and a dramatic story that wouldn’t look out of place in a soap opera.

  I understand a lot more of the way that language has been used here on Ruthless Truth in order to point to the truth of this, that there truly is no self, especially the harsh language. You somehow have t
o get the full attention of that which people call “themselves.” I guess that for a lot of people, anger, defensiveness, and a sense of being attacked is the right trigger to get this self-idea clearly in the picture. Then that can be examined and shown to be wholly fictional.

  For me, the trigger was fear. As I posted earlier, it was a deep-rooted fear of losing control, of “turning into a vegetable” and not being able to take care of myself and my loved ones. A very real, visceral fear that was experienced very tangibly around the stomach. A very familiar fear. Ilona gently guided me to really look at this fear. What was it protecting?

  At this point, something interesting happened. The eyes closed and the feeling of fear became clearer and more pronounced. All that was done was looking, simple looking. No effort, no straining, nothing. The tightness of the fear released and what remained was warmth, radiating outwards. It was clearly seen that the “self” that was thought to be protected, shielded from an apparently hostile world, was not there. There was literally nothing to be protected.

  What really did the trick for me was Ilona’s emphasis on acknowledging this fear for what is—not trying to negate it, run away from it, or any such thing—just looking it straight in the eye. What is it trying to protect?

  I can see that the knot is loosening. Good. Now step forward. No “you”—there never was. See it. Let the seeing happen. There really is no you to let it happen. Just watch it unfold.

  You are seeing it already, just the mind says no; it’s like being used to one thing and expecting that to change.

  These words pushed me right over the edge. What I needed was a real faith (perhaps “trust” is a better word) that what was being pointed to is really, actually the case. There was an instant of not knowing anything, not doing anything, and then the belief in self fell away completely.