It seems to be smoothing out, whatever that means, strange and totally normal somehow. So much stuff falling away. Thank you, me…I…it…everything…life…happening!
Ilona: Thank you so much for sharing your story, it’s quite something. I’m so happy to hear that you are relaxing. Yes, the shift is so small, subtle, ordinary, and yet all starts to look different. Where you thought that you needed to get home, there is noticing, that home is here, now, always.
How are you feeling? Yes, falling can be intense, just allow all to pass. Holding on is not advisable. Lots of love.
Shanti: How am I feeling? As if the fan is slowing down, the stirring, the spinning of the mind, how to explain? It is as if something is alive and living thoughts cannot be held on to, no matter what. Anger happens, irritation happens, overwhelm happens, and yet it doesn’t. It is wild. Like the last remnants of firecrackers, pop…pop…fizzle. Perhaps this is the settling in, the sinking in, the falling away of stuff. It feels somehow stable, constant. Where it used to come and go, it now seems to be constant and not able to be unseen. Deep, flowing, intense desire and excitement to share with others. That is how Shanti expresses, she is a sharer. But this, well this is different. This experience is for everyone. No one is a guru or special. All the same. The experience belongs to no one and to everyone. Hope this makes sense. Would love to connect with others to point wherever possible. Thank you for all that you are.
There is something interesting and at the same time meaningless. This way of looking. I sucked it all in or out or whatever. Is so darn simple, it seems that inquiry and religion confuse the whole thing—they are totally unnecessary. And yet I suppose they are needed, until they are not. It all drops—drops completely when it’s seen. No such thing as self-realization—unless seeing there is no self is it. No such thing as enlightenment or awakening, just looking and pointing. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Ilona: Oh, I’m so happy for you! It’s really that simple, and with seeing, seeking drops. Falling, sinking starts, and it has no end. Just different levels of intensity. I can see that the shift has happened. Can I ask you the final questions? If you are ready of course.
Yes, it’s amazing to notice how this little misunderstanding causes so much confusion and suffering. I’m very happy to hear that you have the intention to help and point to others. It’s a great gift to pass on. Much love to you!
Shanti: Thank you! I am ready. I will be off the grid from 5 p.m. tonight until late Sunday. Big hug.
Ilona: Sweet! Here they are.
Shanti: I will write Sunday night or Monday. Thank you.
Ilona: Looking forward to reading it. Have a great weekend, Love.
Shanti: Hi honey! It seems there was some effort to come here now and write this and isn’t that just interesting—and to whom exactly?
1. Is there a separate entity “self,” “me,” “I,” at all, anywhere, in any way, shape, or form? Was there ever?
No, no, no! Nope. Nada. And it is strange and a bit disorienting…but somehow familiar as well.
2. Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts, and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
“Shanti” began when there was an innocent kind of ownership. Yes, Shanti, “I” happened. It feels like an agreement, whatever that means. A sweet, precious, beautiful self yet completely meaningless. I don’t know who she is but I am in love, no longer able to believe in her. I can love her deeply the same as one can love the story of Santa Claus and magic and unicorns. The self is like camouflage; a way of fitting in, making sense out of nonsense. The self is a collection of stories, ideas, images, sensations all sort of glued together in the attempt to give life meaning. Funny thing is, no self “over here,” no self “over there.”
3. How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
The difference is a calm, balanced kind of experience. Shit still happens just as before but it isn’t personal at all; even when it feels like it or appears to be, it isn’t. Wobbly on my legs, a bit disorienting, and at the same time it seems like, yeah, well duh! And there’s no doubt that it feels more, for lack of a better word, real. There seems to be a lot of settling going on, a falling away of stuff all on its own, or as if simple inquiry has come to life; life happening, life living.
4. What was the last bit that pushed you over? What made you look?
Whoa—I’m not sure. So much happened in a matter of a few days. One was a video of Elena [Nezhinsky] talking to someone; she said the sentence, “Can I think?” It hit me between the eyes and the falling really began. The next moment I e-mailed you. It had already begun. Then in our e-mails…there was a moment when you asked me, Can you stop caring for your children? That hit the mark. It was one of the last illusions too. Seeing the fear of losing them—somehow, once it was realized that I could not do it differently, fear left and seeing happened.
5. Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
Ha ha! This was a fun one. It seems so convincing that someone or something is the master of the universe…and no choice, no intention, no deciding, no controlling. For example, I was eating dinner in a restaurant alone yesterday and I noticed, there was no one doing anything. Hand cut pizza, raised it to mouth, mouth opens, chewing, tasting, swallowing…so bizarre…no one doing it…no one at all.
I have also noticed that hand will move, sound will sound, and then thought will happen taking credit for the movement or sound…labeling it…none of what thoughts say it is true. Movement, seeing, sound, and even thoughts simply happen to no one, which is so strange to write.
6. Anything to add?
Thank you. I think I could write forever about all the stuff that has happened since seeing. Time has done a funny thing, as has space, and it’s been interesting to notice when seeing gets somehow bent. Like when there is an argument with one of my children, they appear very big. I have to laugh out loud, it is so strange. I notice then that the patterns are dropping and this bending is part of that. When my children are giants or my husband a midget. I cannot play along any more. It is so silly. (Now this might all sound a bit crazy…but there you have it.) I felt wobbly but it feels more, no, not solid, but perhaps clearer with each moment. I am having very strange dreams as well, and energy seems to be endless even when tiredness is present. Thank you for you! And, how can I help? And, is there a place to talk about these weird things happening with others? Loving you.
Ilona: Dear Shanti, It was delightful to read your answers. I can see that you see. My heart is full of joy for you. Yes, there is a lot of settling in, a lot to clear up, a lot to recondition. And that takes time. This falling away of old beliefs happens whether you do work on that or just rest in being, the process takes care of itself. Sometimes it is intense, sometimes it’s gentle, but there is no landing, only falling deeper and deeper into peace.
Could I put our conversation on my blog? I can use your name, or initial, or whatever name you are comfortable with. That way your process can be of help for someone else. It’s like a giant wave rolling. Once it’s on my blog I can ask other guides to see if they have any questions for you, and if all is clear, I invite you to the groups. There are many groups at Liberation Unleashed, and you too can start guiding.
If you would like to take any personal information out, no problem too. Much joy and love to you.
Shanti: Ilona! Share it, all of it. This one always has been an open book just really noticing there is nothing to hide, nothing personal, nothing to be careful about, and I appreciate you asking. I will answer any questions from anyone you would like me too. I might like to be a part of the groups and a guide. Thank you for your movement; much has been seen. Loving you. I have really loved our exchange and having you in my heart always. Thank you.
Ilona: I was walking and thinking of you. It’s so s
weet to connect. I too enjoyed our exchange and will put it on the blog today or tomorrow. It’s really my pleasure to meet you and be part of your journey.
A few months later I received the following from Shanti.
What has changed for me? Before our meeting and discussions, so before the Gate, I had a lot of shifts, a lot of awakening moments, a lot of junk unraveled and was worked through, but it wasn’t stable; it seemed to come and go, and when it went it was really ugly, dark, depression, sadness, meaninglessness, and not in a good way. There was desperation and wishes for death. There were a few more “veils” I was having a hard time seeing through; a big one was a fear of not loving my children if I really let go of everything. Through our conversations and your loving guidance, I was able to see those fears for what they were—nonsense. Since the Gate this understanding of my experience as not personal and yet deeply personal has stabilized. If despair shows up, it is not taken as personal or to have a meaning about a “me.” It comes and goes, and that which I am, which I really cannot ever know, remains…always. I live as gratitude and move as joy. The ordinary is extraordinary and now I get to play. Loving you and your movement in the world.
Suffering
Physical pain happens and is unavoidable, but mental pain, or suffering, is optional. Thoughts that tell the story about suffering are the suffering.
In my work with Liberation Unleashed, many people ask me to help them stop their suffering. People write me messages saying how much they suffer and how unbearable it is and how much they want to make it stop. I feel it’s important to say something about suffering.
I know how bad it feels. I really do. I felt horrible many times, and all I wanted was to die. I used to cry and suffer. I used to feel this way periodically, and I saw life as being bits of sweet happiness in between feeling…well, the only word that describes it is “shitty.” Life seemed unfair, harsh, and pointless.
I wasn’t depressed, except for a few months after the process of deconstruction had started, but, in general, life sucked. In the background were constant feelings of “not enough,” of not being good enough; I seemed to always be seeking relief, hiding, denying, pretending, and feeling rushed. I was looking for ways to improve my situation and constantly moving to the next self-help book or program that promised relief.
Some days were light and easy; some days were not. Expansion. Contraction. I did not like the contraction.
Nobody wants suffering. And yet it’s here. What to do? How to get rid of it? Who can help? Hello!
If you are trapped in a vicious loop of darkness, you feel so hopeless and alone, and all feels pointless and meaningless. If you are looking for an Exit sign, here it is.
There Is No Sufferer
There is no sufferer. Not one at all. There is no one here at all. As it is with Santa Claus, the sufferer is imagined.
You think you are suffering, and this is the suffering. Yes, the story that your thoughts tell about suffering is the suffering. The story comes with emotions that you feel and resist. The story is a chain of thoughts about the “me” who is suffering. But let me ask you this: where is that “me” who claims to be the owner of feelings?
There is a story about a victim—a person who is tortured. Thoughts say that there is a victim.
But let’s drop down from the head into the body for a bit.
How does suffering appear in the body? It’s a sensation of contraction, of unwanted emotion. There is a sensation of tightness or emptiness like a dark, empty hole, but the description we use isn’t the point. Bringing attention to sensing rather than thinking about suffering allows the tension to start dissolving. If you keep the focus on feeling, just letting it be there, letting it be okay, just watching the raw energy without naming it, the suffering starts to dissipate. Test this. For just one minute, allow the sensations to be here as they are, giving them space to unfold.
What is behind the tension?
Try This for Yourself Is there a feeler?
Thought may say, Yes, there is, it’s me.
But without thought, is there a “me”?
Is there anything separate in life from life?
Is there a me-person in the body?
If so, where is it?
Can you touch it?
Can you smell it, or taste it?
Can you hear it with ears or see it with eyes?
How do you know that it’s there?
It seems to be in the head behind the eyes, it seems… But is it there?
How do you know for sure? Take a look.
Suffering and Acceptance
“Me” is not an entity living in the bag of skin, is not a soul having human experience, is not a separate avatar navigating through life, is not the narrator of the story; “me” is just not there. There is emptiness where a supposed being should be. And it’s not a bad empty or a good empty; this emptiness is not the end to a little me. There is nothing there. Don’t believe this? Then take a look.
The sufferer is not there, but there is a sensation and a story about suffering, right? And heavy, unbearable feelings too, yes? You may ask, “What’s up with that?”
Try saying no to whatever is arising and yes to everything that is arising.
The sensations in the body, the contractions, only get stronger if you will them to go away. If you want to get rid of them, the sensations will feel even worse. The key is to notice resistance. Just notice that there is something that resists something. If you sense frustration and tension, locate them in the body. Feel them, let them be okay for one minute and twenty-three seconds. Watch them, make friends with them, and feel them fully, openly, and simply… Feel.
That’s it.
Say yes to whatever is here. So be it. It is here already. It is here with and without your acceptance and approval. It’s already here. It’s okay to feel it.
Tension, when you notice and allow it to be here, starts melting. See this for yourself. Notice when resistance arises, and when you say yes to it, what happens?
If the feelings are so intense that they seem unbearable, it may help to learn the emotional freedom technique (see http://www.emofree.com/new-to-eft.html). Many people find it to be simple and effective, and there are plenty of books and free videos on YouTube offering instruction.
Yes, we view suffering as negative and unwanted. And it’s okay. It’s okay to want to drop it and feel at peace. It’s okay to relax. You do not need to believe what thoughts say; you can directly focus on the sensations in the body instead. When you do so, there is no longer a need to try to stop the voice from talking. It’s okay for it to be there. Just move the attention to the senses.
When all is welcomed, all will flow smoothly and sweetly.
When resistance shows up, and it will, just like breathing in and out, notice it.
Don’t try to change anything, just notice.
Rinse and repeat.
Resistance and Frustration Are Our Friends
Right now it may be impossible to believe that resistance and frustration are your friends, but if you start noticing them, you will see where they lead. Resistance itself is not meant to be resisted, otherwise it locks into self-strengthening, repeating loops. Some say there is a path of least resistance, and when resistance melts, all that is left is surrender. This is the path of saying yes to whatever feeling, emotion, or sensation shows up.
Try This for Yourself Notice frustration, watch how the mechanism works, and ask questions.
What is behind it?
What is here that feels threatened?
What is here that wants to hold on?
What needs to be protected?
And from what, exactly?
Listening closely and noticing sensations in the body are key to releasing stuckness.
When one sees that there is nothing here that needs to be protected, the mechanism of frustration no longer gets triggered in the same way in certain situations. Don’t expect happily ever after, because there is nothing permanent.
Life is a movement of expansion and contraction. Things happen and will keep happening. The peace is here when there is no resistance to what already is.
So a start to the end of suffering is saying yes to it. It’s okay to feel shitty. And it’s okay to want to end it. It’s okay to feel what is here now.
When you say yes, you may get really curious and interested to see for yourself where that sufferer is.
Try This for Yourself When a sensation comes up, look behind it. Is there someone who feels?
Can that someone be found in sense experience?
Or just in thinking?
Is that someone here now?
What is most important of all? To be kind to yourself. By saying yes to feelings and sensations, a door opens, and the habit of thinking about suffering starts losing its grip.
In short, it’s not that you want to get rid of suffering, but rather to see for yourself, in your experience, that nothing exists where you think that “me,” the sufferer, is.
Rowland
The looking process with Rowland took a couple of months. Our conversation was quite long, but I did not want to cut anything out. It was full-on looking and investigating. We covered many angles until all became clear. What amazes me is that even though Rowland started seeing a psychiatric nurse and getting a mental health assessment in the middle of the process, neither interfered or made the investigation difficult. He was looking with full focus and determination, and I was overjoyed for him.
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