I’m going to have a good head-on look at this now. No non-dual language either! Where is the one to whom memories apply? What can be found? To whom do memories belong? What can actually be found when these questions are asked?
I find sensations, perceptions (sound of the oven, sound of cooking, sound of my pen on paper), thoughts. I find other sensations that might be called feelings. (Sensations in chest and stomach right now—they’re difficult to label because they keep moving about. The main feeling, though, is a little hint of freedom/joy, as not much is being found.)
Is there anyone here that memory describes, or belongs to? Anyone at all?
Can’t find anyone again.
Memories (like all thoughts) come and go in impersonal space (oops, that sounds a bit non-dual, but you know what I mean). They don’t refer to anything real. The past is not present; a memory is a thought referring to another thought. What is real are the thoughts themselves. All this is coming up spontaneously, thoughts/feelings/sensations. Stuff coming up! Memories are no more “mine” than the sound of the oven is mine. Why? There is equal awareness of both. Something notices the memory-thought, I made a cup of coffee five minutes ago. Something notices the sound of the oven. That something is not any closer to the thoughts than it is to the sound of the oven, even though those thoughts will say otherwise. Memory thoughts are not mine. They don’t describe a me! How could they? Where is the me described in memory? Nothing there. Nada. Silence.
While looking above, I noticed that thought seemingly wants to interrupt, as if there is a fear of being found out. There is a sense of something bad/rotten/sinful at the core that has been there since childhood. But where is this one who is bad/rotten/sinful? Does he actually exist? Scary place to look. Looking. Thoughts/sensations. Can’t find him, again!
Sorry to write so much above! But it helped having a good, hard, honest look. It felt good to really look for the person who is presumed to exist. I felt good at the end of it, a bit lighter. I think what I need to do (I?) is to keep digging, keep looking, be persistent, as the so-called “person” quickly seems to solidify and become heavy again. As I am writing this, it feels strongly like Rowland is writing it again. So I just need to keep digging, questioning, looking. Rowland comes back in so quickly. The empty something feels like it is wispy and fragile, when I know it’s not because it’s actually what’s real.
Thank you, Ilona! My gratitude to you is more than I can express. I need to ignore those thoughts that tell me I will never get this.
Love, R.
Ilona:
Yet, there is still this strong sense of an owner, somewhere.
Sense of an owner or an unquestioned assumption that there must be an owner.
Can you find an owner of sensations?
Test with each sense. Is there an owner of heard sounds?
Why does this sense of self persist so strongly? It feels odd: on the one hand, I definitely can’t locate a separate self. When I have a look, all I can find is thoughts/feelings/sensations and something that notices these. Nothing else. Nothing that stays the same, nothing that isn’t in a constant process of change, apart from the noticing, which is constant.
Yes, noticing awareness is always present, and its content, which is movement, is like a kaleidoscopic ever-changing movie of sensation, thoughts, and feelings.
Look more closely: Is there something that notices, and is what is noticed one and the same? Is there a gap?
When I have another look now, what I think is that keeping the sense of self going is still belief in thought. It is the thoughts that are like a “stuck record” in my head, particularly memory thoughts. These still draw me in, make me think I am a “me” unfolding in time. They seem very compelling.
Yes, thought says there is a sense of self. Take a look with senses.
Is there a sense of self in seeing, hearing, tasting?
Where and when does the sense of self arise exactly?
They are often painful memories that replay, sometimes from years ago. They tell me things like, I am unworthy or I am bad. They tell me I am not “spiritual” enough, whatever that means. These are the kind of thoughts which I have suffered from even since childhood, self-punishing thoughts.
Thoughts of judgement affect how we feel, but are they true?
Is it true that you are unworthy? Is it true that there is someone here to be unworthy?
How is unworthiness felt?
What is behind the sensations?
Is there a feeler of sensations to which sensations happen?
Memories (like all thoughts) come and go in impersonal space (oops, that sounds a bit non-dual, but you know what I mean). They don’t refer to anything real. The past is not present; a memory is a thought referring to another thought. What is real are the thoughts themselves.
Thoughts are here to be noticed, not to be believed.
All this is coming up spontaneously, thoughts/feelings/sensations. Stuff coming up!
Yes. All is happening in the present—sensations, thoughts, feelings.
Is there a center to which they all happen?
While looking above, I noticed that thought seemingly wants to interrupt, as if there is a fear of being found out. There is a sense of something bad/rotten/sinful at the core that has been there since childhood.
Good one: Examine that closer, what is there that feels rotten? What is behind it?
Yes, yes, great stuff. Keep looking. And when Rowland comes back, check to see if that is not just a thought too, appearing effortlessly.
Rowland: Thank you so much, Ilona! I have had an interesting couple of days. On Sunday night, lying in bed, I was overcome by a feeling of terror as I lay there. A sense of profound disorientation, of not being able to find Rowland, of not being separate from anything (including the sensations of the bed I was lying on). Then yesterday morning, walking to the bus stop on the way to work, I was again seized by an intense fear, almost a panic attack. The closest I can describe was that it was like a kind of agoraphobia, like I had no boundaries, I was everywhere and everything at the same time: the trees I was seeing, the feel of the road beneath my feet, the clouds in the sky, the sound of the cars, all were as much me as the sensations of the body—sensations which hardly seemed to be there for a period. I felt dispersed, dissolved, and like I would lose my mind! Then, as I sat on the bus, the fear slowly dissolved.
While I was in this fearful state and unable to locate Rowland, there was equally no concern at all about all Rowland’s apparent worries and problems and stories! They seemed distant. I am deliberately not dwelling on this experience, though, as it is just an experience. Something similar happened about a couple of months ago: walking up the stairs to the bathroom, I was overwhelmed by fear at not being able to locate Rowland; there was a sense of panicking, desperately trying to reassert him. But looking now, it is not that I am afraid. Where is the “I” that is afraid? Having a look now.
Fear is a sensation/feeling that is experienced like any other. It is experienced in the same way as the sound of the clock ticking, or the feel of the floor beneath my feet right now. It feels like something is “more” aware of feeling than sound but is that actually true right now? It only seems that way because we have been conditioned to believe that feelings arise in something called “my personal body.” This itself is just sensations coming up now. What notices these sensations (called “body”), these feelings, these thoughts about experience, the sound of the clock? All really sensations, even thoughts. Looking now and nothing there but a sense of something wide and transparent and peaceful which can’t be found.
Sense of an owner or an unquestioned assumption that there must be an owner.
Can you find an owner of sensations?
Test with each sense. Is there an owner of heard sounds?
Looking for an owner of heard sounds and can’t find anything. There is just the sound of the clock ticking, footsteps, and so forth—just the hearing which is totally effortless. Is
there anyone making hearing happen? Looking. No. Thought might say that “I” am “hearing,” but that is not true. How can a thought hear?
Can’t find an owner of seeing, either. There is just automatic seeing that can’t be stopped or started. If I close my eyes, there is still seeing. Seeing is happening. Can the thoughts “I” or “Rowland” see? No. Can’t find a taster, can’t find a smeller. What occurs to me is that only another thought links the I-thought to different sensations, the I-thought is itself a sensation. All just sensations appearing and disappearing. Thought, feeling, sound, sight.
Is there anything you expect or hope to happen?
If so, what?
If I am really honest, there is still a longing for peace and harmony, and an end to psychological suffering, and maybe the occasional blissful experience.
Look more closely: Is there something that notices, and is what is noticed one and the same? Is there a gap?
Yes, thought says there is a sense of self. Take a look with senses.
Is there a sense of self in seeing, hearing, tasting?
Where and when does the sense of self arises exactly?
There is no sense of self in seeing, hearing, tasting. There is just seeing, hearing, tasting, the sound of traffic, fingers tapping away, the feel of the keyboard, the colors on the screen. Where is the “I” in all of this? It is only in thought that a sense of self arises. Nowhere else. The sense of “my body” still feels strong and persistent. It still feels like it “houses” awareness, even though it is seen that sensations are noticed by something, including sensations of “my body.” Perhaps a bit more looking is needed here.
Thoughts of judgement affect how we feel, but are they true?
Is it true that you are unworthy? Is it true that there is someone here to be unworthy?
How is unworthiness felt?
What is behind the sensations?
Is there a feeler of sensations to which sensations happen?
Looking behind the sensations, behind seeing and hearing, and can’t find anything. Just hearing and seeing, and something noticing the sounds and sights. It feels like there is a something that feels “inside a body” but that body is just sensations right now. It doesn’t even have an inside. Sensations are just happening, including the sensations labeled “my body.” If I look closely, these “body” sensations are even changing every second (the mind makes the body into something solid and stable). There are bits of my body that aren’t even being felt right now.
Yes. All is happening in the present—sensations, thoughts, feelings.
Is there a center to which they all happen?
Can’t find one! It feels like there is one, but this is only an assumption. Looking at hearing alone right now, it is unclear if “I” am over where the sounds “are,” or whether I am “here,” where the sounds are seemingly being heard. Feeling wide and spread out.
Yes, yes, great stuff. Keep looking. And when Rowland comes back, check to see if that is not just a thought too, appearing effortlessly.
Yes, will keep noticing and checking. Rowland feels heavy again in the moment, but is he here? All that is found are sounds, sensations, sights, and thoughts. (Yes, Rowland is here) and something noticing all this that seems to be inside a body still. Always thoughts that cause the problems, cheeky blighters! Thank you so much, Ilona! There is a subtle loosening, although I need to keep looking, looking, looking.
Love, R.
Ilona: Thank you for sharing your experience. When it happens next time, see if you can welcome that fear when it is there and allow it to pass. This oneness that was seen is not here to scare you, it’s seeing that there are no boundaries, all is one, no separation.
If I am really honest, there is still a longing for peace and harmony, and an end to psychological suffering, and maybe the occasional blissful experience.
Peace is always here, it’s only the longing for peace that is covering it up. Look right now, underneath the thinking, behind experience, can you feel this peace? It’s not a state that comes and goes, but rather a background to that which comes and goes. If the mind wants peace, ask it, literally, what is in the way of feeling peace now. See what it is that the mind wants the most, then check if that wanting is the one thing that creates tension.
Also, examine this closely: what is the sensation that you call “Rowland”?
You say that sensations are noticed by something. That something is an assumption too. There is noticing happening, being aware, focusing on experiences, no subject is doing any of it, it’s just simply happening.
When there is a feeling that Rowland is back, see what is really happening that is labeled “Rowland.”
Here is something special for you, Bahiya Sutra [see http://awakeningtoreality.blogspot.sg/2008/01/ajahn-amaro-on-non-duality-and.html]. Write to me what you notice after spending time with it.
In the seen, there is only the seen,
in the heard, there is only the heard,
in the sensed, there is only the sensed,
in the cognized, there is only the cognized.
Thus you should see that
indeed there is no thing here;
this, Bahiya, is how you should train yourself.
Since, Bahiya, there is for you
in the seen, only the seen,
in the heard, only the heard,
in the sensed, only the sensed,
in the cognized, only the cognized,
and you see that there is no thing here,
you will therefore see that
indeed there is no thing there.
As you see that there is no thing there,
you will see that
you are therefore located neither in the world of this,
nor in the world of that,
nor in any place
between the two.
This alone is the end of suffering.
Much love.
Rowland: Thank you so much, Ilona, for all your patience. Will spend a couple of days looking with your e-mail, reflecting on those beautiful lines, and get back to you. Love, R.
Rowland: I hope this e-mail finds you well. Below is my latest response.
As I look, it is clear that anything that is covering up the peace is thought-based. It is not the thoughts themselves that create disturbance, as much as belief in those thoughts. It is believing that the I-thought points to something real. It feels like this needs to be really, really clearly seen here. I have been writing a lot in my journal over the past couple of days, and noticing especially when “Rowland” comes up most strongly. Some jealousy arose in me yesterday in relation to a work colleague, which was interesting: almost immediately there was a sense of anger and guilt, as if this is not a “spiritual” emotion and that I should not be feeling it! But I had a good look at the one who was feeling jealous and couldn’t find him. Just thoughts/feelings/sensations coming and going. The thoughts/feelings persisted quite strongly, but I couldn’t find a central “I” to direct them. So nobody to take ownership. Nobody to say, “I am jealous”—but equally, nobody to say, “I shouldn’t feel jealous.” All these things just happening, just arising!
You say that sensations are noticed by something. That something is an assumption too. There is noticing happening, being aware, focusing on experiences, no subject is doing any of it, it’s just simply happening.
Yes, I think there is a tendency here to turn awareness into another object or person. When direct experience is looked at, there is nobody “behind” thoughts/feelings/perceptions. Nobody can be found, even though this feels fleeting at times. There is a noticing of what comes and goes, a presence (Is this the right word?) that is not changing, that is aware of change: that is not judging, that is always present. It is the sense of just being. It is always here. The I-thought comes and goes in it. Sensations of the body come and go in it. Sounds and sights come and go in it.
The Bahiya Sutra is very powerful, and I will keep working with it. What has co
me up with it has been the reminder that there is just this, just the hearing, the seeing, the touching, the thinking—all without an entity behind them. Everything just coming up now, now, now. There is certainly a “lightening” of the “Rowland” burden at the moment, a subtle sense of ease filtering in, even in the midst of a stressful teaching job. Just observing that even during crazy lessons, there are just sounds/sights/perceptions/thoughts coming and going. There is no “me” controlling them.
This feels like it is getting clearer but that I need to keep digging for it to become clearer still. It doesn’t quite feel yet like a “lived reality,” if you know what I mean. I have found writing/journaling very helpful by getting it all on paper. Looking on paper. I think it is important for me to stick with the simplicity of this. Thought here has such a tendency to conceptualize, to compare what one teacher says with another (about awareness, consciousness, and so forth), and it gets snared in loops of confused, anxious thinking! If I pause thought now, how complicated is any of this? How much does natural being need to “figure out”? It doesn’t, it feels like it just needs to settle in gently with a recognition of what is real. Thank you, as ever, Ilona, for all your compassion, guidance, and amazing patience! I really enjoyed your interview with the Wizard. [The interview is available at http://podcast.liberationunleashed.com/2011 /12/ilona-wizard-radio-show.] Love and light.
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