by Emma Creed
“I guess that’s all there is to say,” Chop’s tone softens and what sounds like the scraping of a chair signals the end of the conversation. The audio ends a few minutes later.
Whoever the other voice belongs to must have been a member of this club. No one mentioned to me yesterday that Chop had slept with Prez’s wife. Seems it wasn’t just Skid who Chop has betrayed. And I’m beginning to wonder how many more secrets the man is hiding.
Unable to just sit on what I’ve heard I decide to go speak to Prez myself. This could be the missing link to help us find Chop. So, armed with the USB and my laptop I head down to the club.
The track down seems longer than usual, especially with my feet still sore from last night, and when I eventually make it to the yard I find it empty. Clinking sounds come from the garage, and I figure it will be Skid working the skin off his hands in attempt to shut all the hurt out of his head.
I walk on past, it’s best I don’t tell Skid about the new information just yet. Instead, I need to find Prez before the USB stick I’m carrying burns a hole through my hand.
“You reckon you can be ready for midday, Utah’s a fucker of a drive,” a voice calls from behind me, and when I spin around I see it belongs to Nyx.
“Midday?” Looking around the yard, I check that he’s actually talking to me.
“Yeah, I wanna get going as soon as. Sooner we leave sooner I can get back.”
“Are you taking me to Cannonville?” I ask excited, this is just what I need, the Utah Charter is where my mom is hiding out, and I’m really starting to miss her. “You sure it’s safe enough for me to visit,” I check.
“Take it you haven’t spoken to Jessie?” Nyx scratches at the back of his head looking suddenly awkward.
“No.”
“It’s a one-way trip, I’m just dropping ya off,” he tells me, almost sounding like he feels sorry for me. Nyx is the kinda guy who doesn’t seem to feel anything.
Unable to shake off my panic, I rush past him and into the club. I search all the bars, but there’s no sign of Prez anywhere. I’m even brave enough to knock on the doors of the bedrooms upstairs, and I’m still unable to find him.
It’s becoming harder and harder to breathe, the temperature of my body rising and making me feel giddy as I search, trying to focus on what I’d come down here for, when really all I can think about is what Nyx has told me.
I need to speak to Jessie, ask him about this impromptu trip. It takes priority over talking to Prez about this new information. I know I won’t be able to focus on anything else until I’ve spoken to Jessie about Utah, so I head back up to his cabin in hope of some answers.
There’s no sign of him in the lounge or the kitchen when I burst through the door, and so I storm straight through to the bedroom. Jessie doesn’t stir, his body laid out flat on the bed, still clothed. Suddenly furious at him for being so selfish, I grab the closest thing to hand and launch it at him. He hardly moves when the tub of moisturizer lands hard on his back.
“Get up,” I scream, tugging at his leg. “Get the fuck up, Jessie”
“Fuck, darlin’, calm your clit.” Jessie rolls over, rubbing his eyes as he sits up.
“So. You’re done with me now then? Packing me off to Utah without so much as a goodbye. That’s a low fucking blow even by your standards.” I pull my holdall from under the bed and start filling it with my stuff. Scrubbing his hand over his face, Jessie rises up on his feet.
“It’s for your own good,” he croaks, stumbling past me and heading for the bathroom. I carry on tossing my things in the holdall, trying my hardest not to let the tears filling my eyes leak.
I’m almost done packing every trace of me from his room when Jessie returns, dripping wet with a towel tucked around his waist. His blonde hair hangs wet around his face, and I watch his fingers run through the strands pushing them back over his head.
“Look, Mads, I’m doing this for you, the Charter in Utah will take care of you. Cannonville's a nice place, there are families there and you can be with your mom.” He steps closer and reaches his hands out to mine. “I ain’t no good for ya, and you got nothing for you here but a shit ton of painful memories.” He speaks so softly that it breaks my heart and terrifies me at the same time.
“Jessie, we had a fight.” I hate that he isn’t making eye contact with me, it makes me feel so distant from him.
“A stupid fight, and now you want me to leave?” I find it harder and harder to contain my emotions, and when his head slowly nods back at me. The tears finally spill from my eyes.
“What about Chop? You need me to find Chop,” I tell him. I can’t leave, the club need me here, and I need to be here, with him.
“You have all the information. You can do whatever it is you do from Utah. You’re safer there.” He shrugs.
“How can I be safe without you protecting me?” I ask. “Please don’t shut me out again, Jessie don’t do this to me.” I’m begging now, because I have nothing else.
Jessie closes the space between us, his wet body pressing into my T-shirt, and sucking it to his skin. Strong hands lift to my hair and when his lips contact with mine, I lose myself.
He kisses me long, hard, and heartbreakingly slowly. He kisses me goodbye.
“I’m doing this for you, darlin’,” he speaks against my lips. Lowering my head, and marking my forehead with another kiss. Then he pulls away and slides into jeans and a plain white tee.
“Nyx will be here in a few minutes,” he tells me quietly.
“He said I had until midday.” I cling desperately to some hope that a few more hours might change the outcome of this mess.
“I text him and told him you were ready now, he’s eager to get goin’.” Leaning forward Jessie grabs my holdall off the bed and stops right in front of me. He curls a lock of my hair around his fingers, and when he finally dares to look in to my eyes, I see it. The same sadness I’m feeling, the same pain. I just can’t understand why he’s doing it to us.
“I’m so sorry, Maddy.” He closes his eyes to hide that pain away from me again.
“You should be with your mama. You’re safer there, I’ve been selfish to keep you here.”
“Then be selfish again, keep me here,” I yell, just as the door opens and Nyx walks in.
“I can’t do that, darlin’,” Jessie whispers, and just like that my world collapses around me. My chest feels too tight for my lungs to stretch for air. I need him. I don’t want to go to Cannonville, not even if it means I get to see Mama. I want to stay here where I belong.
Jessie leaves me standing in the door to the bedroom, walking past me to hand my holdall over to Nyx.
“Don’t, Jessie, please.” My tears leave a cool trail against my hot cheeks, and I wipe them away with the back of my hand and chase after him.
“You need to go, Maddy,” Jessie whispers like he has no patience left in him.
“Jessie, come on,” I plead, refusing to budge. I’m not leaving with Nyx, I’m not going to Utah, I’m taking charge of my own life for once.
“You want me to say it? Keep on pushing. But don’t blame me when you’re hurting like hell,” he warns.
“What? Say what Jessie?” I yell at him.
“Jessie, you don’t want me to leave, you said you couldn’t lose me,” I remind him, clawing at anything to stop him sending me away. “You promised you’d never hurt me.”
“And you should never have trusted me. I gave you enough warning,” he tells me. “Hayley was right, you were just a plaything. I was fed up of club whores kneeling and sucking whenever I told them to. You were a challenge, something different, and I got what I wanted. Now I want you to leave.” The way he speaks so emotionlessly drives a stake into my heart.
“You don’t mean that.” I shake my head, and he answers me with silence. I choke on my own breaths while I wait for him to tell me he’s sorry. But he doesn’t and I lose it.
“You selfish bastard.” My hand raises and my palm stings like h
ell when it impacts his cheek. Jessie doesn’t react, just takes my assault with his eyes fixed on the floor. I gasp in shock, ashamed by my own actions, and when he looks up at me, instead of the anger I’m expecting his expression is blank.
“Yeah well, I never claimed to be anything else.” Jessie shrugs.
“You promised me you’d never hurt me,” I remind him through sobs.
“I told you what you wanted to hear.” Jessie nods at Nyx over my shoulder.
“Don’t say that, Jessie, you don’t mean it. You take that back.” I feel an arm on my shoulder tugging me away, and I fight it off the best I can, but it’s too strong, and it drags me further and further away from Jessie. I’m not sure what I would do if I did manage to get to him. Hug him or attack him?
Jessie’s crystal blue eyes turn stormy as Nyx manhandles me out of the cabin and into the truck outside. I don’t care about the small crowd of people that have gathered outside and are watching me fight against Nyx, screaming my demands at him to take me back inside.
My life isn’t in Cannonville. It’s here with Jessie and this fucked up brotherhood that he calls a family. But he doesn’t even follow me out, nor does he watch as I give up my fight and stay seated in the seat that Nyx practically throws me into. Troj offers me an apologetic smile as Nyx pulls away and speeds off down the dirt track.
Even Nyx looks a little sad for me as he pulls out onto the main road heading in the direction of the freeway.
“You'll feel better when you see your mom, and you’ll like Utah there are more families around.” Nyx sounds friendly for the first time ever, and I’m sure if I didn’t feel as though I’d been stabbed repeatedly in the chest I would appreciate his attempt of comfort. Though I don’t answer him, just press my forehead against the cool glass window and close my eyes. I try to focus on the fact that I will see Mama in a few hours. But it only reminds me that I won’t be with Jessie.
I can’t let myself believe the last words he said to me. There was more to us, I’d felt it. Or, had I just wanted it so badly that I imagined it? None of that matters now anyway, not as I get further and further away from him.
I let her go.
It was the right thing to do. For once in my life I’d done the decent thing, and if this is being moral, moral fucking sucks.
Surely doing a good thing wasn’t supposed to hurt so fucking much but seeing the hurt on her face when I lied to her, told her all she was to me was a challenge, had stung like a thousand needles. It burned me inside that I had to make her leave. But she belonged with her mom. I should never have kept them apart. It was just another selfish scheme I’d concocted, telling myself at the time that it was the best for Maddy's safety.
Me and Maddy were based on lies, all selfish decisions I’d made to make myself feel better.
I liked the thought of having Maddy to myself too much, I knew her mama being around could have made things difficult. Besides I wasn’t sure if I could trust a woman who whored for the Bastards.
My head pounds, and when I look in the cupboard there’s nothing left in the bottle of scotch. I throw it against the wall and let it smash to pieces.
Why did I have to be so spiteful to her? Her last memory of me would be all the cruel things I’d said to her before she left. Surely there was an easier way.
There’s only one way to make the pain stop, one way to void my mind of her, and that’s to hurt.
I search around for my list of the Bastards’ errand boys. My personal directory of wrath. It’s a bad idea in the mood I’m in, and I already doubt I’ll be able to stop at just a warning, but I have to do something, anything to remind me of who I am. To stop any doubt that I was wrong to let her go.
I search through the pile of clothes Maddy had neatly folded on the table, looking for my jeans and hoping the list hadn’t been in the pocket when Maddy washed them. Something falls to the floor, but it isn’t my list. It’s a letter with my name boldly written in Hayley's handwriting.
Another reminder of what a cunt I am. All those years she’d loved me, and I’d been too wrapped up in myself to even notice. I’d used her to get Maddy, and she’d been so desperate to please me she’d made herself miserable.
None of this would have happened if I hadn’t have asked her to find out about Maddy for me.
Hayley’s words are so painful, just the thought of reading them make my guts clench, but it’s no less than I deserve.
I could easily take out a few names on that list, causing actual pain to the people who are on it. But what’s the point when the person who deserves to hurt the most is me. I try to imagine how she must have felt when I was talking to her about Maddy, how mean I was to her the night she brought Maddy to the club. I was too busy giving a shit about myself and this club to even notice she had those types of feelings for me.
My fingers tear open the letter before I can talk myself out of it, and I slide down to the floor, resting my back against the refrigerator. I start to read.
* * *
Jessie,
I don’t know where to even start this time. These letters have been my way of outing all my feelings for so long it seems strange to think this will be my last one.
You know, I had every intention of giving you the first one I wrote to you. I was ten years old and thought I could make such a difference to your life with a few stupid words. Over time I’ve realized that I’ve been writing these letters for myself.
I’ve never really had anyone I could talk to, no one who would really understand me. And no that’s not a dig. I know how much you care about me. I could hardly talk to you about this, could I?
Today I admitted something to myself that I’ve been denying for way too long. I finally accepted that no matter how deep I look, or how hard I wish, I’m never gonna find that look in your eyes. The one you’ve saved up your whole life to give to Maddy. It’s a look I was worried you’d never be capable of giving to anyone. Jessie, all the years I’ve known you I’ve been so scared that you wouldn’t fall in love with me that I got distracted from what I’d feared most.
That first day I met you, the coldness in your eyes made me worry you’d never be able to love anyone again. I didn’t want that for you, but now I know from the way you look at Maddy, the way you hide yourself to protect her.
You love her.
Now, I’m not about to pretend that I’m not pissed that it’s not me you fell for, I’ve never been one to sugarcoat, but if a girl's gonna lose out to anyone, Maddy Summers is the girl she’d want to lose to. She is perfect… Fucking perfect. I’ve tried hating her, believe me I’ve tried so damn hard, but the fact is she’s impossible not to love. She’s caring, smart, and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in real life. But what I love about her the most is the way she sees you. She sees My Jessie. She looks far enough past your cut and the people you hang around with to know who you are and what you’re capable of. Her eyes are open to the Jessie that I’ve been crazy about since I was ten years old, and if you give her a chance to, I know she’ll love you right back.
For god’s sake, Jessie, give her your heart and let her keep it safe for you.
I talked to Skid today, he’s onto me. He knows how I feel. I’m guessing he has for a while. He’s worried, reminded me of all the reasons why me loving you is a bad and dangerous idea, and he’s right of course. When isn’t he?
He got me thinking about what was really important too.
I’m never gonna stop loving you, not ever, and I won’t apologize either. This shit is sloppy enough without me turning in to a do-gooder. But the thing that really matters is that you are loved by someone. Someone who can love you freely, and who you can love back.
So as much as it breaks my heart that this will be the last letter you never read. I can’t torture myself by writing any more.
We can be happy.
You and Maddy together, the most beautiful couple that ever existed, and me knowing that I did the right thing. I’m gonna speak to you next
time I see you, tell you to stop being a dick and have some faith in yourself. You need to know that you’re good enough for a girl like Maddy Summers. I’ll even help you make sure you don’t screw this shit up. I’ll remind you of all the amazing things that you are, things that you so easily forget. Like the passion you put into everything you do, and the way you care about the people close to you.
Most of all, I’m going to make sure you know how special you are, that hidden underneath the surface is a really good guy who you let out for the people who matter to you. I’m so privileged to be one of those people Jessie.
I told myself for so long that you couldn’t give yourself to anyone, that you belonged to the club. But I was wrong, Maddy makes you want things you never knew you were missing out on. She makes you want to be a better person, and she made you lose the god damn cut. You should give her all that shit and more.
Belong to her.
I’ll be okay, I can love you through silence and without pain, because you found love, and that for me will always be enough.
Be happy.
Your Best Friend always,
Hayley
xxx
* * *
I hold the letter to my chest. Everything clear now. Why that day at the warehouse Hayley valued Maddy’s life over her own. She saved Maddy for me. She wanted me to be happy. She took a fucking bullet for me to be with the person I loved, the same girl I’ve just forced out of my life.
“I fucking love you right back, pretty girl,” I speak out loud as if she’s sat right in front of me. I don’t know if it’s my hangover or my imagination gone wild, but I swear I feel a warm touch at my shoulder. It makes my body shiver and urges me to stand up off my sorry ass.
The door to my cabin nearly flies off the hinges at the same time, and a huge figure blocks the sunlight from entering behind him.
“What the fuck you playing at?” Skid’s voice bellows as he marches towards me, pushing me hard in the shoulder so my body slams back against the refrigerator.
“The fuck, man?” I shout.