by Lou Cameron
He shrugged and resisted asking if that was the same Don Carlos who went nuts and let his nutty son, Phillip, be the king of Spain. So they finished dessert with no argument and went into the drawing room to get down to brandy and business.
As they all took seats in front of a baronial fireplace, Captain Gringo asked Don Federico just what his terms might be. The old man looked startled.
Before he could say anything, his wife said, ‘Our Spanish land grant gives us title to the entire delta, so naturally, if those others wish to remain on our land, they may do so as tenants, provided they pay us fifty percent of their profits.’
Wee Angus roared, ‘Are ye daft, lass? My people were poor lang before they got here from the auld country!’
Captain Gringo shushed him and told Doña Inez, ‘Never mind what you may have heard about Oriental pearl sales just yet. Let’s talk about your so-called Spanish grant. Haven’t you been reading the papers lately? Spain hasn’t owned anything around here since the twenties, ma’am.’
Inez sniffed and said, ‘Poof, we don’t recognize Colombia’s claims either.’
Laval chimed in, ‘Oui, in a no-man’s-land the game is to the strong, and my patrons, I assure you, hold all the cards in this game.’
‘Never eat with your mouth full or mix your metaphors, Frenchy. We’re talking terms. So the only question before the house, now that I know we’re not discussing stuffy law, is just who might be the strongest.’
Laval sneered and told Inez, ‘I told you it was a waste of time to show them mercy, madame. Had I not wasted all that fuel on leaflets today, it would all be over now. I assure you I can reduce that squatter settlement to rubble in less than a dozen flights!’
Wee Angus started to protest, but Captain Gringo silenced him with a warning look. The son-of-a-bitching Frenchman was probably right. So maybe the dame could be talked into a more delicate view.
He told her, ‘Those Scotsmen are going to be sore as hell if you bomb them anymore, Doña Inez. Before you do, let’s consider what comes next. Sure, you can blow up New Dunmore with your flying toy. You know where it is. But don’t forget we know where you live too! What’s to stop us from coming at you guys on foot? This is a nice house you got here. It would be a shame to see it burn to the ground.’
Wee Angus growled and added, ‘Ay, and that gaes for yer auld cacao trees too!’
Her husband looked stricken, but Doña Inez didn’t bat an eye as she replied demurely, ‘They’d have to get through our army, on our own ground, with air cover, as Marcel calls it, on our side.’
She was probably right, damn her big hazel eyes, but a guy had to keep swinging.
He said, ‘Never mind who might or might not win in the end. Between now and any end to the war you seem anxious to have, both sides are bound to get hurt. So why do you want to have a war? Jesus H. Christ, there’s unclaimed land in every direction if all we’re talking about is expansion.’
Doña Inez wrinkled her nose and said, ‘That’s not the point. This entire delta is ours, by royal grant! Scotland had no right to settle others on our land, and—’
‘Hold it, we’re talking about ancient history! New Dunmore wasn’t built just yesterday by wandering vagabonds, Doha Inez. They’ve been right there since 1695, and getting along fine with you Spanish-speaking settlers, the way I hear it.’
Was it his imagination or did old Don Federico nod at that? He was sure his daughter, Rosa, had. Before they could get in trouble, he added, ‘Okay, so you heard they’re taking some pearl shell as well. We’re talking about off-shore fishing and you can’t tell me any king of anything gave you title to the Caribbean, too! While we’re on the subject, your air raids just scared the only important pearl schooner clean out of the neighborhood. So all the settlers have left can’t be worth fighting over.’
Laval chuckled and then went back to sneering as he said, ‘You must play chess or at least poker, Captain Gringo. You know as well as we that sooner or later a canal to the Pacific must be built. To do so, in this area, one must of course purchase land to build it through and—’
‘That is enough, Marcel!’ snapped Doña Inez, and from the way he dummied up, she had to have him under her thumb too.
Captain Gringo wondered how she did it. She was either one great lay or one mean lady. Probably both. He sipped his brandy, shrugged, and said, ‘Okay, I get the picture now. The powers that be will no doubt be willing to cut a deal with anyone they find in control here once they get around to surveying a more southerly canal route. I’m beginning to wonder why they started up in Panama in the first place, too. Meanwhile, I can tell you you’ll have to offer those settlers something better than a simple order to pack up and leave. So what do you want us to tell them when we go back to New Dunmore?’
Doña Inez shook her head and said, ‘Don’t be silly, Ricardo. We can hardly allow their best military leader to return to them if they mean to make a fight of it, can we?’
Wee Angus roared, ‘Och, I was expecting dago treachery!’ and sprang to his feet. It seemed like a good idea to Captain Gringo too.
But as he reached inside his jacket, their gracious hostess said, ‘Don’t. Look behind you.’
They did, and sure enough, a couple of thugs in servant’s livery were covering them with drawn guns. As the black butler moved in to disarm them both, Captain Gringo stared soberly down at Doña Inez and growled, ‘For a lady who claims to come from such a swell background, you sure have funny idea about a white flag, doll!’
She shrugged and replied, ‘We were hoping they’d send someone less dangerous to discuss terms. How was I to know they’d risk their leader? I’d be a fool to give you back to them. This other hulk can return the way he came, if he’s willing to carry a message to Gaston Verrier, of course.’
Wee Angus roared, ‘I stand wi’ my friend and I’ll do ye nae favors, ye black-hearted slut!’
‘Very well, in that case I suppose we’ll just have to hold you both for now, and if you ever call me a slut again, I’ll have you killed, you uncouth peasant!’
Before Wee Angus could take her up on it, Captain Gringo said, ‘I notice you don’t seem to have to consult the master of this hacienda much, Doña Inez. Am I right in assuming you’re the kid in sole charge of this sand box?’
She smiled sweetly up at him and said, ‘You see, Richardo? You’re just too smart to part with. Bruno will show you to your quarters. We’ll discuss your future further after we extort a surrender from New Dunmore. It should be ever so much easier without you there to help them.’
As the butler took his arm, Captain Gringo started to say something else, shrugged, and decided not to. She’d already said she’d have the next one who called her a black-hearted slut executed, and at the moment, he couldn’t think of another thing he wanted to say to her.
‘‘Will you knock it off?’ sighed Captain Gringo as he watched Wee Angus try to wrench the iron grille out of the window in vain again. They’d been shown to what looked at first like a pleasant enough guest room, until one tried the door of thick solid oak or opened the window blinds. Captain Gringo sat on one of the twin beds, smoking, as the big Scot got all red in the face, trying to bend steel with his bare hands. The American added, ‘‘Even if you could get that grille out, the fucking window’s too narrow for even me to wriggle through, Scotty.’
‘We hae to get away, ye daft loon! Can ye nae see they mean to kill us or worse?’
‘Not so loud. Let’s not give that bitch any ideas.’
‘Och, do ye mean to just sit there? Help wi’ this window, mon. For if only we can shove one skinny Yank oot in time—’
‘I’ve already measured it and my ass isn’t that skinny. Besides, it’s way too early. Once the moon’s up, we’d have a chance of getting away without walking into too many trees. The moon’s not due to rise for an hour or more. So simmer down and conserve your strength. I told you to eat your dinner like a good little boy.’
Wee Angus came away from the win
dow, muttering, ‘Ay, the black-hearted villains attacked us under their ain roof, wi’ nae respect for the traditions of hospitality even an Indian kens! Why did ye let them feed ye, mon? How are ye ever to caith wi’ ’em noo and still keep self-respect?’
‘Just let me at ’em, Wee Angus. I used to be an officer and a gentleman – before some other people taught me how many rules are meant for suckers!’ He took a drag on his cigar before he added ruefully, ‘I guess I still have a lot to learn. I’m sorry I got you into this. I really thought they’d respect the rules of parley, not because they were good guys, but because it makes common sense.’
‘Och, can ye nae see the woman’s mad as a hatter, mon?’
‘When you’re right, you’re right. That French balloonist is probably just her stooge, too. She has some cross-grained notion she’s some sort of fucking queen of the jungle. I see now why you guys never had any trouble with old Gomez before he brought her and that bubbleheaded Marcel back from Gay Paree. She’s got the old man whipped down like a dog. She’s probably screwing Marcel silly, too. I wonder how she keeps the girl under her thumb. Rosa didn’t strike me as a lesbian at dinner.’
Wee Angus snorted in disgust and said, ‘Och, nae Spaniard hae much backbone. The auld man’s simply henpecked, and Spanish daughters do as they’re told. The question is whether them peons wha take orders from the damn auld slut are as gude in a fight as my people are.’
‘We’ll never get to find out if Marcel blows them all to shit from the air. I wonder who flies with him. I’m sure I saw two guys in that gondola today, and you’re right about the old man looking like a sissy.’
‘Mayhaps the Frenchy has servants he’s too proud to eat wi’. It would take a full crew to launch that flying machine, would it nae?’
‘Not too many, once it’s filled with gas and takes off under power. From the sound, I make it at least a ten horsepower engine he’s got in that thing and ... damn, if we could just get out of here long enough for me to strike a match, it wouldn’t matter if we got back to New Dunmore alive or not! But don’t go grabbing at that grille again. There has to be a better way.’
There was, though neither Captain Gringo nor Wee Angus knew what was going on in the other parts of the same house at the same time.
In a master bedroom the official master of the hacienda was seldom allowed to visit lately, Doña Inez purred, ‘Oh, nice. But have some more snuff, Marcel.’ The naked Frenchman kneeling on the carpet raised his face wearily from between the naked woman’s widespread thighs and protested, ‘Must I, madame? You know how that crude snuff of your husband’s makes me sneeze!’
She insisted, ‘Si, I love it when you sneeze up my vagina as you eat it. I confess I enjoy a perverse thrill from your cold runny rose at such times, too!’
She handed him the jeweled snuff box, adding less sweetly, ‘Now, damnit, and try to hold back until you lick me hot again!’
Laval repressed a shudder of distaste, gallantly shoved snuff up both his nostrils, and proceeded to go down on her some more. It wasn’t this part that annoyed him most. For after all, a woman was entitled to common courtesy before a man shoved it in her. But his spoiled mistress wouldn’t let him do it right to her and it hurt like hell to give oral sex to a beautiful woman who refused to return the favor, either way. He’d told her he didn’t mind purely oral relationships, but merde alors, a man had to come some way, at some time, in bed with such a fantastic creature, non?
As Marcel began to jerk off furtively while trying to breathe despite the tingle of snuff and her musky body odors filling his tortured nostrils, the soft sadist raised her knees to brace a bare heel against either of his shoulders. She grabbed his hair in both her hands and hissed, ‘Not that way, you mundane clod. Rub your snotty nose around my clit and shove your tongue where you know I like it best, up my rectum, you wretch, and don’t you dare sneeze until I tell you!’
Outside the locked door, young Rosa Gomez rose from the keyhole, her face a mask of hatred and disgust as she bit her knuckles to keep from screaming. There was no use telling Papacito again. Poor Papacito was under that terrible bruja’s spell, even when he wasn’t smoking the opium Inez had introduced him to in Paris. She knew better than to call on Bruno for help. Some of the things her stepmother did with the black butler were even more disgusting than what she was doing right now with her latest toy. The other servants were nonentities who simply followed orders from the master or, in truth, mistress of the hacienda. There was only one way to turn, even if Papacito never forgave her.
So a few minutes later Captain Gringo heard what sounded like a kitten scratching on the locked door, shushed the pacing Wee Angus, and moved over to it to mutter, ‘Yeah?’
A soft feminine voice answered through the thick oak paneling, ‘If I let you out and give you back your guns, will you punish my wicked stepmother, Captain Gringo?’
‘I’ll sure as hell try! Who is this, Rosa?’
She replied by unlocking the door and slipping in to hand them their revolvers. Captain Gringo closed the door behind her. She asked why, adding, ‘My stepmother is just down the corridor, doing wicked things with that awful Frenchman. Don’t you wish for to shoot them?’
He sat her on the nearest bed and said, ‘It sounds like a lot of fun, but let’s eat this apple one bite at a time. Angus, how are we coming with that moon?’
The Scot moved to the narrow window, looked out, and replied, ‘It’s still black as that dago slut’s heart yon. Sae what?’
‘Watch your mouth around company. We have to wait for some light on the subject before we fight our way out through God knows what. Rosa, what’s the story on armed house servants?’
She shrugged and replied, ‘¿Quien sabe?’ Bruno always carries a pistol under his butler’s livery and of course has others posted by every entrance and exit after dark. Los Indios do not like us, for some reason.’
He nodded, frowned thoughtfully, and said, ‘Wait a minute. Don’t you guys have Caribs as well as mestizos working for you?’
She sighed and said, ‘Alas, nobody works for me. Why did you think I was forced for to turn to strangers? As for los Indios, who but a madman would trust a pagan Carib? Did you not know that Carib means cannibal in my language?’
‘Sure, but damnit, your father or, okay stepmother had a friend of mine killed by Indians, way up the river in unexplored territory, right?’
‘Pero no. I heard my elders speaking of the matter. My stepmother is too wicked for to live, and she laughed when she heard another woman had been murdered. But to be fair, her surprise seemed genuine. She used it, in fact, to convince my poor Papacito we should arm even more of our peons.’
Wee Angus looked disgusted and opined, ‘Foosh, the black-hearted slut lies to her weak mon aboot wha she sleeps wi’ as well.’
Captain Gringo said, ‘Let’s not worry about the past until we see how much future we have to work with. Rosa, do you know where they keep that dirigible ballon between flights?’
She said, ‘Si, in a big shed half a kilometer away from this house. Marcel says the gas they use for to lift it is dangerous, and the guards posted around it are forbidden for to smoke on pain of death.’
Wee Angus grinned wolfishly and said, ‘Och, I ken the drift of yer dreams, Sassenach, and I’ve plenty of matches my ainsel!’
The American shook his head and said, ‘Too big a boo. Attacking across wide open ground with nothing noisier than pistols just isn’t my way to spend a lovely evening. Our best bet is to wait for moon rise, beat it back to the settlement, and set up a hot reception for them! Do you think you can find that dugout again once it’s light again?’
‘I hope so. Yon lass is nae dressed for swimming in crocodile-infested waters after dark.’
Captain Gringo nodded thoughtfully at Rosa and agreed, ‘That dinner dress is pretty but hardly practical. You’d better slip out and slip into a blouse and skirt. Black, if you got ’em.’
She protested, ‘Pero no! I wish for you
to punish my wicked stepmother. I do not wish for to elope With you!’
‘Don’t worry. My intentions are seldom honorable. You’ll be safer on our side of this delta no matter what. You want your father to come to his senses, don’t you?’
‘Oh, si! He has been acting like the fool of fools ever since he met that wicked woman in Paris!’
‘Bueno. You don’t calm down a dirty old man by shooting his favorite perversion. But if we can shoot down that dirigible ballon and get Marcel out of the way, she won’t be half as hard to deal with. Where did she pick him up, by the way? Was he her pimp in Paris or a post-honeymoon afterthought?’
Rosa replied, ‘He is most wicked, too. They say he was working for a Brazilian called Dumas when he was caught stealing from his original employer. I do not know the details.’
‘I don’t need ’em. Santos Dumas is years ahead of other would-be airship builders, and old Marcel probably stole some spare parts as well. Now about that silly lace dress ...’
The argument was never settled. The door flew open and Bruno the butler dropped the tray he was bringing them to go for his gun. But Bruno’s future plans got all screwed-up, too, when Wee Angus simply raised the muzzle of his horse pistol and blew the Negro back out of the door with a mighty roar of rage as well as gunfire!