by Lexi Blake
“It doesn’t sound like it’s over. It sounds like you’re still having to fight for your life.” She took a sip. “You should know you were good at that. At fighting. You were an excellent solider and all your men loved you. If you ever want to know about them, I’ve got some pictures back at my place.”
“Could you tell me about my family?” It was the one thing he did want from her. “Sometimes I think I remember them.”
Her eyes widened. “I thought you didn’t remember anything at all.”
“I don’t really,” he admitted. “I get flashes of what seem like memories. I get brief glimpses and feelings. It’s hard to explain. The strongest are about holding hands with a woman. I have the sensation of warmth on my face and I know I’m safe with her. She’s taller than I am and I feel love for her, but not desire. She’s my mom. I’m almost certain of it.”
He'd gotten used to that memory. He was able to let it flow over him like a warm blanket. It was a good part of his day.
She sat back, a frown on her face. “I’m not sure how to put this. You weren’t close to your mom. Maybe you were when you were young. I never met her. You left home because you didn’t get along with her or your brother. I want to candy coat it. I really do, but you were always a man who valued honesty.”
That hadn’t come close to the feelings he’d had or that voice that sometimes whispered through his brain. “What did we fight about?”
“You didn’t talk a lot about your family. I know your father wasn’t in the picture. You didn’t talk to either your mother or your brother the whole time we were together. You went into the Army to get away from those problems. We became your family and you were happy with us,” she said, her tone wistful.
It hurt something deep inside him to think he didn’t talk to his brother. His brother was nothing more than an idea in his head. A whisper across his brain. And yet the thought that he was gone and they’d parted badly made Robert ache. He’d liked thinking there was someone out there he’d shared a childhood with. “I was close to my unit?”
“You were really close to a guy named Bill Barrows, though you called him Happy. He got that nickname in boot camp because he always had a dumbass grin on his face. Even when he was doing pushups or running until he got sick. You told me the only time he wasn’t smiling was when you got into a firefight.” She was much more animated now that she was talking about the past. “Happy was your closest friend, but you had a ton of them. Jimmy Collins would come over every Sunday because he knew I made a roast. He would show up and find a reason to stay until we pretty much had to invite him for dinner. I would make the roast because you liked roast beef sandwiches. I mean, you craved them.”
He still did. When they made roast at The Garden, he would always go back for seconds or thirds. “So I was a private?”
“You were when I met you. When you…well, you were an E-5 when you went missing.”
“I was a sergeant.” That felt right to him. Somehow he knew what it felt like to stand in front of his team and give out orders. Happy would smile even though he was telling them they were likely going to see heavy fire…
He let it go.
“You were so proud when you got your promotion. I always knew you would go as far as you could. Our plan was to put in your twenty and then figure out where to go from there. We were pretty happy to go with the flow, if you know what I mean. We didn’t need a ton of money. We had each other.”
He heard her words, but he was thinking about other ways to jog his memories. “I wish I could read my records.”
“Yeah, apparently those are all gone. I guess having a senator for a dad helped Dr. McDonald out. He could get rid of all those pesky records.”
“She needed to hide what she was doing but still be able to have us go out into the world. It was precisely why she never worked in the States. She preferred South America and Asia. If she’d worked in the States, someone could have seen our faces and potentially asked why we weren’t as dead as we were supposed to be. My mother…did she come to my funeral?”
“I’m sorry. She didn’t. She cut off all ties with you when you left Wyoming,” Emily explained. “I called to invite her but your brother told me you died a long time ago.”
He nodded. He needed to stay away from those questions. Especially since it seemed like there was no one left to answer them. “I understand. We should talk about Dr. McDonald.”
Her face flushed. “I still feel guilty that I introduced you to her.”
“How did you meet her?”
“She did some work at the hospital I was stationed at, taught some classes,” Emily explained. “We thought it was amazing to have someone with her reputation willing to come into a base hospital and give us her time. Now I realize why she did it. She was a sick woman. Dante said this Rebecca person thinks she might be able to cure you. Is that true? You might get your memories back?”
He didn’t want to give her hope. “Rebecca worked with patients who have Alzheimer’s and dementia. She believes with therapy and some drugs in the pipeline she might be able to reconnect the neural pathways Dr. McDonald broke in our brains. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen tomorrow. It could be years down the line.”
“Dante mentioned there’s a man out there who claims to have a cure.”
“Dante talked a lot today.”
She shrugged. “We were the only ones here. He was nice to me.”
“That doesn’t seem to bother him most of the time. And he’s not known for being nice. You should be careful around him. He’s been through a lot.” He should have thought about that when he’d walked out the door. He shouldn’t have left her alone with him. He should have insisted Tucker stay behind. Even Sasha would have been better.
“You all have been through a lot. He told me a little about it.”
“Some of us handled it better than others. Dante’s got a dark side. I don’t think you should be alone with him.”
A smile came over her face. “You were always protective. It was one of the things I adored about you.”
He didn’t want her to get the wrong idea. “I would say that about any woman. I’m not trying to hurt you, Emily. I’m not. You need to understand that even if I do get my memories back, it won’t erase what I feel for Ariel.”
“She seems to think it might,” she gently pointed out.
“She’s wrong.”
“I didn’t come here to fight,” Emily insisted. “Look, I can help you. I can talk to you and tell you about your life. Believe it or not, we were good friends before we got married. It’s why I think we worked so well. I get that you’re not attracted to me anymore.”
He hated the fact that he’d hurt her. “I’m sorry. That was a harmful thing to say. You’re obviously very attractive.”
“But I’m not your type.” A rueful laugh huffed from her mouth. “You pretty much told me that the first time we met. I won you over in the end.”
He had to admit, he was curious. Now that he was settling into the new reality, he had to wonder about his past. “How did we meet?”
Her lips curled up. “How do privates and nurses usually meet? The private was a dumbass and needed the nurse’s attention. You were super flirty and I accused you of hitting on me. You weren’t very smooth at the time. You told me I wasn’t your type and then still asked for my number.”
He winced because that sounded about right. “What had I done to end up in the hospital?”
“Well, you’d managed to make it all the way through boot camp without a single injury and then you decided to show everyone that you could break dance.” She shook her head. “You could not break dance. You were, however, excellent at breaking your big toe.”
“Is that the reason it hurts from time to time?” It was an annoyance and one he’d never figured out. He’d decided he’d likely gotten it in one of the many fights he’d been in during his time with McDonald.
She nodded, grinning his way. “Yeah. You would always th
ink you could do things when you got a little tipsy. Sometime I’ll tell you about the great juggling incident. You promised me you knew how and decided eggs were the best way to go. That was a nasty cleanup.” Her smile faded. “It was also the first time you kissed me. I’m sorry. That memory was overwhelming. I know you don’t want to hear about those things.”
“I do need to know about my past.” He would have to listen to her stories. She wasn’t so bad. She seemed quite nice. He supposed a nurse would have to be a person who cared about other people. She might be able to help figure out how McDonald’s network had operated. He’d always had questions. “What did I like? Sorry. That’s a pretty broad topic.”
She leaned forward, an eager look on her face. “You loved baseball. You would watch football, but it wasn’t your favorite. You were on a team, too. Center field for your high school. You played a lot of video games, but I think that was more about spending time with your friends than the actual games. You were good at fixing things. I would want to throw something out and you would always find a way to fix it. Like our old toaster. I wanted a new one so bad but you just kept that sucker running. Your favorite subject was history. You liked to read nonfiction. I’ve still got a bunch of your books. I gave away your clothes, but I kept some of the books.”
“And you said you had pictures.” It would be surreal to look at himself in a picture and not be able to remember anything of the hows and wheres that it was taken.
She bit her bottom lip. “Some. A lot of them got ruined when I got water damage in the apartment. The upstairs neighbor had an overflow and it dripped down and wrecked a lot of my keepsakes.”
He wasn’t terribly upset by that, but he had to say something. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It forced me to move,” she admitted. “I needed that push. I think if I hadn’t I might have stayed there and mourned you for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t have ever dated again.”
“It’s good for you to move on. It’s okay if you have a boyfriend.” He would be more than happy if she’d found someone.
She seemed uncomfortable with the shift, but she plunged ahead anyway. “I dated a couple of guys. A doctor. A guy who works in admin. But I haven’t taken things past dinner and a movie. I haven’t cheated on you.”
“It wouldn’t have been cheating,” he said gently. “That’s the whole point. You didn’t know I was alive.”
Her chin came up, a stubborn expression on her face. “But now I do. I know you think you won’t remember me, but you can’t be sure.”
“Like I told you, there’s a very slim chance of that. The only one of us who’s managed to get back his past is Theo Taggart. He wasn’t in the program as long as I was.”
“I still think you should try,” she implored. “Come back to the base with me. It might jog your memory. Did coming to Germany make you feel anything at all?”
He didn’t want to admit that it had, but he owed her an answer. “I remembered Spargel.”
She dropped to her knees in front of him. “Yes, you loved it. I would make it for you and I would make a ham.”
She reached up for him and in his mind she shifted. She was different, her hair up in a ponytail, her eyes desperate and beseeching. She was afraid. The memory was right there and he couldn’t stop himself from chasing it. This was important. Why was she afraid? He had to know.
His head started to pound, but he knew there was something important about that memory, about Emily looking up at him from her knees. He was angry. So fucking angry. He could feel the volcanic rage in his gut but he had no idea why he was upset.
“What’s wrong?” Emily’s voice sounded far away.
She knew what was wrong. She fucking knew.
Why couldn’t he remember? He could see the carpet underneath her. It was basic beige, the same as every other unit in their bland apartment building.
Light flared, making the world a stark white place. He was going to lose it if he didn’t stop. He would puke all night and he would be vulnerable. He was alone with her. He couldn’t be alone with her.
Find another memory, one you don’t have to fight for. Throw yourself into it, love.
Ariel’s voice came to him, clear as day. He clung to it and did as she asked. In an instant he was back in time.
Loa Mali
He liked the ocean. He liked the feel of sand beneath his feet and the way the air smelled. He definitely liked the sense of peace he found here.
But he wasn’t staying.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
He turned and the reason he wasn’t staying was strolling down the beach wearing a flowy white dress. Ariel. He could see the thin strings that held her bikini top in place. Thank god she’d covered up or he would have a hard time looking at anything but her body, her gorgeous curvy body. Now he could concentrate on her beautiful face. “I thought I would take a walk before the evening’s festivities begin. Who would have thought getting married was such a social event?”
Her smile was brighter than the sun. “I think it’s supposed to be a social event. And Erin and Theo have been through so much that they deserve a bit of indulgence.” She moved to stand beside him, the tide brushing against her feet. “Are you not having a good time?”
“Of course I am, but it’s more change. Now it’s good change, but a whole lot of it. I’m going to miss Theo.” He’d known Theo Taggart as Tomas. He’d been there when Theo had been “born” into the family. That had been McDonald’s euphemism for wiping their memories. Reborn again and again into a world where she’d controlled everything.
“I don’t think you have to miss him. I heard Ian offered you a job.” She turned and started walking in the same direction he’d been going.
He fell into step beside her. “He did. I was also offered a job here with the king of Loa Mali. He’s in need of a new bodyguard. I turned them both down. I’m staying in England. I think Damon is going to need a hand with the new kids.”
And he couldn’t quite bring himself to leave her. He’d only been living at The Garden for a few months, but he already wanted to be around Ariel every moment of the day. It was precisely why he should have taken either of the jobs he’d been offered. He couldn’t have her. He wasn’t in any kind of place where he could be in a relationship, and he was pretty sure casual sex was off the table. Mostly because it wouldn’t be casual at all. But he’d found himself turning down every offer.
“I’m so glad, Rob. I will admit that I think they need you. You handle them so well. Even Dante, who I can’t get to say a thing in sessions. He seems to respond to you.”
Dante was a bit of a mystery. He hadn’t spoken much at first. He’d seemed more dazed than the rest of them, and Robert worried his abuse had been worse. “I think he’s settling in. I’ll reiterate the need to open up in therapy.”
She shook her head. “He has to come to that conclusion on his own. For now I’ll keep our sessions light. I think he might be feeling shame. I’ve talked to the others and apparently Dante was frequently violent with them. McDonald used him to punish the others at times.”
“She did that to all of them, I believe. She wanted to see if she could get us to go against our better natures. She often gave us the choice. We could be the one doing the ass kicking or be the one getting our asses kicked. She tried to pit me and Theo against each other several times.”
“And what would happen?” Ariel asked.
“Well, there was a third guy in our group, and Victor liked using his fists.”
“But you wouldn’t hurt Theo and Theo wouldn’t hurt you.”
He’d never been about to bring himself to that point. He’d always taken the beating. “No. I couldn’t do it. Even when I knew it would cost me. I think I had to hold on to some piece of myself no matter what.”
Ariel nodded as though he’d made her point. “Yes, and Dante did not from what I can tell. He did her bidding.”
“He was in there for a long time,” Robert replied,
needing to explain. “Longer than most of us. It’s hard to tell. She wiped our minds so many times, but most of them remember Dante being there.”
“Still, shame is a hard thing to deal with. From the outside it can look like he feels nothing, but I think he’s afraid he won’t be accepted given the fact that he was brutal in the past.”
“I’ll talk to Sasha,” he promised. “He seems to get along with him better than the others. I’ll see if he’ll spend some time with Dante.”
“Good, because I’ll be honest, I’m a bit worried he might run.”
“Where would he go?” Where would any of them go? They had no homes. There were warrants out for their arrests. They were trapped.
Ariel gasped and stumbled. He caught her before she could hit the ground, dragging her against his chest and twisting so when they fell, he bore the brunt of it. He turned to try to see what had caused her fall. A tiny crab raced away.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice breathless. “I’m not much of a nature girl, it seems.”
She was so close. All he had to do was lift his head slightly to brush their lips together. His arms were already around her. It wouldn’t take much to flip her over and be on top of her, their bodies nestled together in the sand.
He released her because he wasn’t good for her. He was one of the sad-sack men who she had to sit and listen to. She deserved far more. She deserved a man who could give her everything.
He got to his feet and helped her up. Her fingers tangled in his and she didn’t let go.
She blinked up innocently at him. “In case there are any other wild creatures who try to attack me.”
Her hand in his gave him the warmest feeling in the world. He could give her this. They started down the beach, talking about absolutely nothing meaningful.
It was one of the best days he could remember.
He was shaking when he came out of the memory. It was odd how they hit him when he got to this state. They were like dreams. He was fully inside them, as if he were living it all over again.